Rose Quartz and mountain lions

I love that our family gets to go out the Black Hills every summer due to my husband being wonderful and playing music at family camp. We spend a whole week making art projects, singing songs, playing games and swinging on swings. I love hiking but haven't found that this activity gels well with my family yet.

But low and behold, Middle wanted to use his walking stick that he got from school and go gold mining. Paul and I made a pack that we would do whatever we could to make our kids dreams come true at camp. We went fishing, Tye dying, we made paper, and played countless hours on the basketball court and open field. But this was Middle's last big wish, and I was determined to make it happen. Justin a counselor was ready to take us. Paul and I just finished up a session talking about the Haiti Mission Project. It was 2:30, already way past nap time and Little had no choice but to come with us. Paul was getting things checked out on the car and Big was playing with his friends, so it was just me and Middle and Little. We were late already, Middle kept pulling on my skirt to get me going, and Justin had to be back in time to help prep dinner. So we grabbed our hiking sticks and Little had her bear and I was a screaming stereotype of a city girl who doesn't know how to hike. (Which I do, I just presently was not dressed accordingly.) I was wearing a sundress and three year old Old Navy Flip Flops, which basically means my feet were touching the ground and I was feeling every rock under each step. Those things are thin to begin with and I wore the balls of feet down to almost holes. We had a water bottle and my cell phone. No one was wearing sunscreen and I discover this hike is a mile to the Rose Quartz Mine where we will be lowering my children into a large rock pit to dig for treasure. I shake my head at the ridiculousness that we are becoming.

Four minutes into the hike I hear, "I'm tired, are we almost there?" And right after that, Little says, "Carry me mama? Carry me?" Oh my, what I have done.

Soon after this, we discover all the Mica on the ground which makes the Black Hills famous for all the sparkling rocks in the dirt. It is a beautiful shiny thin shell that coats rocks and you can easily peel it off. Little loves that fact that she has become an explorer and stops every five seconds and shouts, "Mica mama! I find mica!" Considering the ground is littered and covered in this stuff, it's gonna take us an hour just to walk 20 feet. This is annoying, I mean endearing to say the least. Here is Little with her huge hiking stick and favorite animal hunting for mica.




Right after this, Justin and I discover a large animals fresh remains and huge rib cage. I look at him and he informs me there have been mountain lion sightings this summer.

Awesome.

We hike on. I carry Little. We spot wild flowers. We drink water. I carry Little.  Little's puppy has to stop and pee. Yea, we stopped for that. She did the whole bit, wipe and wash paws and everything.

Good Grief.

Collect more mica, find a feather, carry Little some more. Then we arrive after a triumph mile hike to the Rose Quarz Mine in the Black Hills. This is where I find out that we have to lower my children inch by inch down the rocky terrain to get to the bottom. Me in a skirt, with my paper flip flops, a water bottle, two hiking sticks that have gotten discarded, two feathers and a fistful of mica that have become treasures. I shoved my cell phone down my dress and we made it happen. Look at how happy they look and they almost look completely unscathed.



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Look how high that wall of rock is behind them.  That's what we slid down while lowering them into the pit.  The kids loved looking for special rocks.  They would collect them, and then separate them, and find their favorites.  Dreams come true baby.  Dreams coming true.




So we pocket our rocks and then start our walk back.  We climb out of the pit, me slipping on rocks and trying to stay decent in a skirt while not loosing our treasures. I have big sunglasses on, phone shoved down my bra, skirt covered in dirt, and my feet slipping on the rocks.  Who are we kidding, if I saw me, I would judge me, I was judging me when we left on this little adventure.

We weave through trees, Little races birds down the lane and that is when we notice more animal bones freshly savaged.   This is when I realize that there is no way on God's good earth that I could protect my kids from a mountain lion!  Justin and I exchange a look, and silently we communicate to each other that the best course of action is to quickly move forward.

This is a bit of challenge as Little pees herself and decides that she can't walk with wet shorts.  Middle has also decided that this adventure has far surpassed his walking capabilities and so Justin and I exchange water bottles, walking sticks and treasures, we haul the two kids on our backs, hands full of gear and we move forward.  My face is wet with sweat, my feet hurt and my back is now wet from pee.  We push on.

We make it.

We never saw the mountain lion.

And three hours later I got to shower.

Gross.

Someone please remind me of this story when next year I want to take my kids on a hike.

Celebrating LIfe!

Yesterday was my birthday.  I love my birthday.  This year I am 33, the Jesus year.  I don't really know what that means, but people keep saying it to me.  Does that mean it will be my year of greatest trimuph or greatest heartbreak?  Only God knows.  I just pray I will handle my year, my circumstances and my troubles and joys with grace and eyes set on Christ.

Yesterday was my Birthday.  My mom always made sure that we felt very special on our Birthday.  It was our day and our day alone.  What I realize more and more is how I want to celebrate other people on my birthday.  To be surrounded by the people who love you, put up with you, listen to you, walk through life with you.  Hold you up when you fall miserably, pray with you when you are broken, cheer you on when you are inspired, encourage you when you are doing well.  My community gets celebrated today because they love me, invest in me, and make me who I am.  Yesterday we celebrated God's intimate design of our lives together.  Thank you for being here with me.  Last night we celebrated with cake and a bonfire and cocktails.  All food recipes come from www.thespunkycoconut.com.

Celebrate Life today!


This cake is THE BEST Vanilla cake I have found.  It was moist and fluffly  and amazing.  Totally made my day.

Who doesn't want a side of fresh berries and cream?  The blue and white dish came from Paul's grandma and the yellow dish I snagged at a pop up sale here in the cities.  So happy it lives in my home.
Terrible photo, amazing pie.  Mint coconut freezer pie with chocolate crust.  Recipe can be found at Spunky Coconut blog.

The candles were free from a friend.  The holder was found recently in our garage attic by another friend and the lace table cloth was purchased at an antique store for $3!  You heard me right.  I layered it on another yellow table cloth and the effect was perfect!

Peach and Cherry cocktails served in mason jars in an antique milk carries that I snagged at a shop with mom years ago.  I love bringing out small pieces that we don't usually use for special occasions like this.

Sangria served out of a large glass container usually reserved for oatmeal.  There wasn't much of this left over by the end of the night.  Perfection.

This beautiful addition was fond for $10 at a thrift store over a year ago and it was its first appearance tonight.  I did notice it has a small leak, but I hope to fix that.  I added fresh mint from the garden to freshen the water.  It was delish.

Mmmmm.... A slice of both cakes plus fresh berries.  I decided that since the yellow cake is made out of beans with no sugar and the mint pie is raw, I was in good shape to have two pieces.  So good.

I found old Terra Cotta pots in my garage, filled them with dirt, added more free candles and topped off with glass hurricanes that my mom and purchased for a $1 a piece at a garage sale.  Such a steal!  I placed them around our plants in our garden for more mood lightening.

Since we were eating and drinking, I brought out our TV trays and drapped them in fun scarves or fabric I had around the house.  I made small bouquets of mint in juice glasses for a table topper and lit a few candles.  The draped tables added to the effect of my garden party.  So did these ladies dresses.  They fit right in and made it perfect.

I made sure to have a wine table stocked with glasses.  Cocktails were popular, but we all ended our evening with a wonderful bottle of red.

For some reason, I love having wooden chairs around a campfire.  These were salvaged from a heap out back of a house that was severely damaged after the tornado.  To far gone to be kitchen chairs, but perfect for outside.  I love free chairs.

We had twinkle lights, a bonfire, amazing food, even better drinks, and wonderful laughs and memories shared.  This birthday truly was a blessing.  Even though we live in the hood, and the neighborhood noises reminded us of that, it did feel like a set a part garden party.


Fried eggs over fresh greens

Trying to cut down on the amount of carbs I am eating and at the same time teach Big how to cook, I thought I would include our favorite recipe that we indulge in almost every day here. We eat eggs or oatmeal every morning during the week and only bake on the weekends. I usually make scrambled eggs or frittata or egg scramble with veggies. However, Big's favorite eggs to eat are fried eggs. I thought this was the perfect thing to start teaching him. It teaches him lessons on the stove, cleaning cast iron, and how to season and handle eggs. So we have been working on this a few times, and Big knows that he can not under any circumstances work the stove without an adult, but with me, he is doing great and doing it all on his own. So how do you eat fried eggs? He likes them with just salt and pepper, but recently he is enjoying my salad. Fried eggs over a bed of spinach or greens, topped with avocado, salsa and blueberries for fun. When we have extra, we throw black beans on there or corn or fresh pepper from the garden, whatever we have on hand. For a quick lunch though, fry the eggs and put them on the greens and voila, wonderful lunch!



I am sorry for those of you who are vegan, maybe you could just use Tofu, but since we are soy free here, we love our eggs.



Fried Eggs over fresh greens 

2-3 eggs
coconut oil for cooking
Bed of greens
Avocado or Guacamole
Salsa Sea Salt and pepper to taste
Optional: peppers, onions, tomato, broccoli, hot sauce, black beans, corn

Heat pan on med-low heat. Add Tablespoon of Coconut oil and heat through. Crack 2-3 eggs over pan and sprinkle with sea salt and pepper to taste. Cook eggs to over easy, med, or hard depending on your liking. I like a runny yoke to act as my dressing.

Cube up your avocado and dice the rest of your vegetables.

Wash greens and lay on plate.

Dish eggs on top of greens and then top with your variety of veggies and guac, and salsa.

Dig in.

Love and Marriage

It's funny, whether you read a book or watch a movie, you can find a couple where one is ultimately devoted to the other. One person in the couple will do anything to be with the love of their life. They will move heaven and earth, fight evil, and live in harsh conditions. They will forgive any past wrongs, and devote themselves to the welfare and happiness to the one they love.

Now lets be honest, my gut reaction is, "I want someone like that! I want someone to always think of me first, be what I need, devote themselves to every wish and desire I have." The hard truth, is I never think to myself, "I want to be that for someone else. I want to always love someone else above my own wishes and desires, devoting my life to their happiness and health." At the very core, my sin of selfishness reigns strongest.

This here in lies the only times when Paul and I struggle in our marriage. You can use words like selfishness, submission, miscommunication, independence, expectations, it doesn't matter. When one or both of us stops looking out for the other, then we have a hard time communicating, living, and helping each other. our marriage hurts in these times.

I noticed this trend about two years ago. Paul and I were miscommunicating a lot. He was hurt by things I said, I was hurt by things he did, and when he was arguing with me about how I wasn't appreciating him, my gut reaction was to "nicely" point out how much I did around the house and all the things that go unnoticed. He was feeling unloved and I was feeling unloved. We were both needing and missing attention from the other person. He was coming to me saying, "I need..." and I was thinking and feeling, "I need...". We were both in so much need we couldn't give to the other. And for some reason, in that moment, a light bulb went off. This conversation wasn't about me, he was trying to share his needs, his frustration, his hurt. My job was to listen. He needed me to listen. And so instead of speaking my piece about my hurt, I waited. My hurt and my opinions were screaming to be heard. I remember squeezing my hands together as I listened to my husband communicate how he felt unseen and unappreciated and I wasn't supporting him. (Clearly he wasn't noticing the children were still alive, the house was semi cleaned, the laundry done and dinner always made. I felt I was supporting him plenty by taking care of all the house duties and he wasn't appreciating me!) But that wasn't what was happening. Paul needed to be heard. He needed me to put his needs first for a change. He needed me to listen and support him. And so I did.

What I noticed was by the end of the conversation, he got around to verbally affirming all that I do. He recognized my hard work and thanked me for it. What he said he needed in that moment was just my listening ear and support. In that discussion I was able to see our pattern.

And here is our pattern: Paul and I get busy. Life happens, he goes out on gigs with the band, I travel to go speak, he gets a few acting gigs that take up the next couple weekends, our kids have swim lessons and field trips, people visit or we go visit people. In that kind of life, date nights, quality time with spouse and kids falls away to chores and life responsibility. We both ending up giving so much to our jobs and chores and our children that we have nothing left over for each other. Then our response turns selfish toward one another. I think, "Can't you see all I am doing? Please affirm me, and help me and pull your weight around here." Paul is thinking, "Can't you see all I am doing? Please affirm me, and understand and don't put expectations me and just listen and support me I am doing everything I can to find extra work to pay our bills."

When both of us are feeling empty, one of us has to step up. One of us has to man up and think of the other person first. (We both try to communicate to each other about what we need, but when our hearts feel empty, someone has to act first.) I usually fall in the immature camp waiting for Paul to be mature and do it first.

Paul and I fell into this pattern again recently and I noticed we were arguing and feeling unnoticed and not cherished. So I put the theory to the test and tried to love as God loves us, unselfishly. Even though I was feeling deeply unappreciated I tried hard to be the person in the movie that everyone wants. I choose to organize my days so that when Paul came home, I could spend time with him. I wanted dinner ready and the kids and I would cheer for Paul when he came home. Instead of doing chores in the evening, I would sit with Paul and we would talk. I would listen and affirm him. I tried very hard to devote myself to making sure he knew he was loved.

I knew how to do this because yes, Christ poured himself out for all people, he spoke of loving God and loving others. He spoke and lived to love others. But my real life example really is my husband and Christ in him. I would say that when we married and even today I struggle to love like he does. Every decision he makes, I and the kids are at the forefront of his mind. When he knows I have had a long day, he brings me a coffee or puts the kids to bed to give me a break. He won't buy new running shoes so that we can use the extra money for groceries. He has taught me in the daily grind of life what it means to love others and put their needs first. Day in and day out he is my real life romantic comedy and the man I dreamed of wanting to spend my life with. One who finds his joy in my happiness and fulfillment.

I have learned from him to love him that way. Now I'm not gonna lie, when we do this for one another, our life together is filled with so much more joy. When I put Paul ahead of my myself it sounds selfless, but truly in the end, he feels filled with love and thus in return can love me. Can see beyond his own need to help out around the house, to see me, and make sure I feel loved. So I guess you can even make it selfish to love someone this way if you wanted to but that really is the wrong motive. I want my husband to know he is loved, cherished and appreciated.

As I write this I feel like you might get this impression that Paul and I have this whole thing figured out. Let's be clear that I have made a living emptying my pride and inviting others into all my mistakes and learning experiences. I write this to remind myself of how to love my husband and those around me. I write this to share with you what I have learned in my marriage. To remind myself that loving someone else deeply and wholly truly is a wonderful gift. This is not my idea, nor am I first to write it, but living it every day is hard and we could all use a little reminder every now and then.

Berries, bread, and coffee

Fresh homemade morning

Today started with having my in-laws in town.  It was so wonderful to start the day with them in the house.  Sharing stories and doing life.  It was a quick visit, but always so wonderful to see them.

Since we are heading out on Friday, the goal for all of our meals is to eat through our food so as not to waste it.  Since I am a sucker for cheap food when I can find it, I scored big at Aldi this week, but noticed that we are only about a day away from most of our fruit going bad.

This morning started with smelling coffee brewing while we cut fresh fruit to munch on.  Nothing beats fresh berries and fruit as a morning snack.


While we munched, the kids helped me make squash bread. I have a recipe for Zucchini bread but didn't have zucchini left over from the Lasagna I made last night, but I did had steamed acorn squash and it was sitting in my fridge earlier this week so I used that.  I needed to use it before it went bad, so we turned it into bread.  This bread tastes nothing squash and everything like soft, moist goodness.  I love the crunch of the nuts, but you can easily leave them out.  The Sorghum flour adds to the sweetness, but you can switch it out with an all purpose GF flour.  Coming from someone who has experimented with switching out flours and thinking they are interchangeable, take my word for it, not all flours are created equal.  You could use almond flour or sweet rice flour, but I would stay away from any kind of bean flour.  If you want your kids to eat squash, use the best tasting kind of flour to help balance out the flavor.  Here is a quick couple photo's.




I'll be honest, the bread was so good, we ate the whole thing fresh out of the oven and didn't use any nut butter or jam.  Just soft, moist bread warm from the oven.  It truly lasted about 15 min and then it was all gone. We don't get a lot of bread in this house, so when we do, we go all out.

Coffee and bread this morning was just what I needed to start my day right.

Big really wanted to make a smoothie, so we let him be the chef on that front.  He didn't want any liquid or health benefits, just fruit.  ONLY fruit.  So we scooped fruit from our fruit bowl and he wanted to add a peach a plum and an apple.  So all in all, I think the smoothie included peach, plum, apple, strawberries, blueberries, grapes, and kiwi.  It was Delicious!  That kid is onto something.  I always try to sneak in a veggie or some other health benefit and he went straight to the good stuff.  I'll let him cook more often I think.


After we feasted on brunch we went out to tend the garden.  This is when we got to pick our first produce of the season!  It was very exciting.  We planted late, and last year not at all, so this was a very, very big deal.  I let middle pick it and then we all took a turn to smell our fresh beautiful green pepper.  The smell was so potent.  We decided then we would marinate chicken and have baked chicken on a bed of spinach and strawberries and blueberries that night for supper with strips of our beautiful green pepper.

So today was filled with homemade goodness, a trip to our favorite children's bookstore and a game of Sorry where everyone was in a good mood and not one kid minded loosing. (a rare moment mind you).

Enjoy the recipe!


My version of a Zucchini Bread Recipe

I didn't have zucchini but had lots of squash frozen in one cup increments.  Here is my final version of a recipe that I altered.

Gluten/dairy/corn/sugar free Squash Bread

Preheat 350 degrees

1 cup cooked and mashed squash (or 1 cup of zucchini or pumpkin or banana.  Use whatever you have on hand.)
1 cup sorghum flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch (sometimes called tapioca flour)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon xanthan gum
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
2 tablespoons of Chia seeds or flax seeds
1 tablespoon cinnamon
3/4 cup honey or agave or pure maple syrup
1/3 cup coconut oil or olive oil
1 teaspoon fresh lemon or lime juice
2 egg whites or egg replacer (1/4 cup liquid)
1/4 cup coconut milk (or rice or almond if you don't have coconut)

1/3 cup nuts optional

Wisk together sorghum flour, tapioca starch, baking powder, baking soda, chia seeds, xanthan gum, sea salt, nuts if using, and cinnamon.

Add oil, lemon juice, egg white, coconut milk and honey.  Beat to combine and continue to beat on medium high until batter is smooth.

Add in squash or banana, or pumpkin or zucchini.

Scoop and scrape the batter into prepared loaf pan.  Sprinkle nuts on top if using.

Bake for one hour, or till tooth pick comes out clean.
Enjoy




Part Two...EMDR and a bright beautiful party

Because I promised...

Because of a dear friend, this weekend Big was able to participate in EMDR therapy.  This friend has noticed what we knew to be true, that since the tornado, Big hasn't been the same in regards to storms, wind, rain, and if we were being honest, even white puffy clouds.  He is constantly aware of the weather.  He gets incredibly anxious when the sky turns grey, even just for rain.  I can hear him chanting to himself, "It's just rain.  It's just rain.  It's just rain."

My heart breaks for him knowing how scared he is.  Knowing that we don't go anywhere for the day when there is the threat of rain.  I try to balance it out and push him out of the house when I know there isn't rain, but just clouds that day, though I can tell it is hard for him.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of ours, Kyle Hood, was watching the kids, and while at the park, it started to rain.  Big had a huge panic attack and cried like it was the day of the tornado.  Our friend Kyle, who is a counselor, offered to do EMDR therapy with Big after watching his reaction.  Of course being so close to our family, she can't do regular counseling for him, but she could do this.  So on Saturday, Paul and I went with Big and did  our first session of EMDR.

In its basic form, EMDR therapy is taking the person back to the day and moment of the trauma and having them retell the story.  The idea is that because a certain event is so traumatic, the brain has stopped connecting from right brain to left brain in regards to that experience, so it is not functioning fully.  Therefore, every time something similar to that traumatic event happens, that person is thrown back to that day, that moment in time.  Their emotional response is just as heavy and intense.  If I understand all this correctly, the EMDR therapy is sound and vibration that bounces between right and left ears and hands so that when the person retells the story, their brain is making connections, new paths, between the right and left brain.  This will help in moving them forward from the trauma and helping them heal.

Big was timid when we started, and after him retelling the story, then Paul and I both retelling the story and then Big retelling it again, by the end, he was remember new details and could talk about it without crying.  It was pretty cool to see.  I even think just talking about this helps a ton.  What really took me back, was asking Big to retell the story, because I have told it so many times, I forget to ask my kids their opinion about what they remember seeing and hearing and feeling that day.  It was fun to hear his side of the story again.

So we leave for camp on Friday and are going to visit Kyle one more time on Thursday morning to do it again.  We were a little nervous for Big being away from home, his safe place, but at camp if there was a storm, and just want to do everything we can to help him.  Its been bright and sunny here for the last few days so no way to know if the therapy worked or not.  This isn't a cure all, and I don't think the first storm he sees  he's gonna want to throw a party or watch from the porch, but I am hoping he can think things through a bit more, and his anxiety will be less.  We still plan on going to therapy, but just haven't figured it out with insurance yet.

After therapy while in the car, the kids had lots of questions about death what happens to them when Paul and I die.  In a weird way it was such a great way to express to our kids that even in our death we still love them.  That we made a plan to have them taken care of and loved.  Middle had all sorts of questions about when we die, who tells Nana and Papa so they can come for them, are they going to be alone, can we go to the police and hospital and give them Nana and Papa's phone numbers so they can call them when we die.  It was a little weird for me hearing my son figure things out so fast and make a plan for himself when we bite the dust.

That night, after a wonderful day of fun and healing, we went to our neighbors party where they  were celebrating two of their children's birthday and a baptism.  Our neighbors, whom we play with all the time outside are Mexican and this party was in full tradition, the cream of the crop.  Big white tent out back, a bounce house, Spanish music blaring, over 100 guests with all the woman in their finest, and little girls running around in dresses.  In the garage were pots filled with enough rice and chicken and beans to feed a village.  Drinks overflowing and dozens of kids running around.  It was a scene out of a movie or a book.  It was so wonderful getting to experience a completely different world just three houses down.  We enjoyed playing basketball with the kids, playing catch with Big, and getting time to visit with our neighbors.  I'm not gonna lie, one of the best parts was that the food served was food my family could eat.  They had boiled chicken with garlic and onion and delicious rice.  My kids were able to eat a feast and I didn't have to cook it.  Do you know how rare that is?

After all the fun and excitement, we came home, enjoyed bath time, stories and then sang to our kids and prayed over them till they fell asleep.  It was a beautiful day.

I think a lot of times we look at the 10 commandments or law or guidelines that God sets before us for living.and look at it as a chore.  Something else we have to do or can't do.  We feel guilt when we don't do it and God's judgement if we ignore it.  I believe that if we approach his word and will for our life that way, than we won't ever want to participate in the gifts that he has for us.  Making and creating a Sabbath is hard to do.  It's hard to not work.  It's hard to break habits and create new ones.  However, the gift of the Sabbath and all that it gives and offers is irreplaceable.  It changes your mindset to focus on relationships instead of "to do" lists.  It makes it about people and not about work.  It allows time to focus on God and what he is and what he has for you.

We were abundantly blessed on Saturday.  The ground work of spending time with our kids and prayer over them has blessed the rest of our week.  We see the fruits of that for days on end.

The other bonus is that our work has been more productive because we started from a place of rest.

Thanks for letting me share my day.  Look at the link above to know more about EMDR.  And take time in prayer to see how you might be able to incorporate a little bit of  Sabbath into your life.  You won't regret it.

What a Sabbath brings...part one

Today has about four posts in one.  So many great things learned, observed, and enjoyed ye.  Tonight as I write this, my husband is catching up on the phone with his brother, the kitchen is an absolute disaster, and my list of things to do is still just as long today as it was yesterday, but I am so wonderfully happy.

In full disclosure, it is hard to break into the habit of Sabbath.  It is easy to continue doing chores, running errands, checking email and whatnot on the weekend.  Especially yard work.  And for me it is work.  Some people putz in the yard because it relaxes them.  I enjoy it, but don't get me wrong, it is work, so I avoid it on Sabbath.  So, we as a family haven't been the best at carving out this time each week.  We believe in its importance.  God says it is critical to your health as a human, as a family, as a community.  But we have come up short in living in this command.  So Friday we agreed that Saturday we would make sure that Sabbath happened.  We felt this was even more important since we have so much to prepare for our trip, we needed to make sure our priorities we in order.

So yesterday morning started with each kid coming in to have snuggle time.  Once their snuggle quota was met, they went to build a train track in the living room and Paul and I got our snuggle time where we get to casually wake up and talk about the day.

Once up and out of bed, my first thought was to start getting stuff done.  I had to remind myself that today chores weren't allowed, so I sat down at the table to color with my kids. But they had to show me what they had been up to.  They made a new bed for Little out of our empty tupperware bin.  It was too cute not to share.


Then my children proceeded to draw me coloring pages.  It was awesome,  Here is a picture that Big drew me and we colored together.  Nana her hair is read in your honor.


Middle decided, at five mind you, to draw out a paint by number to help me along.  I wasn't sure if I should be impressed or insulted.  I choose to be impressed.  Here are those pictures.  I love how many numbers he gave me to make sure I understood what color I needed. Ha.


After coloring for a bit, the kids decided to come into the kitchen and help me make scones.  There is something wonderful about joining together in the kitchen and cooking together.  We made tasty cinnamon pecan scones with coconut milk.  Once the scones were in the oven, Middle was the creator of our smoothies.  He decided everything that went in them.  So we feasted on scones and strawberry/blueberry/kiwi/coconut milk smoothies.


It was yummy.

During breakfast, we started our "feed your body, feed your soul" devotion.  This basically means that we passages from my Bible during breakfast so that we remember as we feed our body food, our soul needs it too.  It is also a great way to get the kids into "real" word of God.

So before we begin, Middle says "What does soul mean?"  Again I wasn't sure whether to be impressed that he is paying attention, or offended that we have been doing this for months and he is now just asking me.  I again choose to be impressed that he asked.

Then I realized, how the heck do I answer this to a five year old.  So all you theologians out there can tell me how I did.  I thought for a quick moment and then said,

"Think of an egg.  You have the outside shell and then the inside "egg" part.  The white and yellow yoke is the egg right?  The essence of the egg is what's inside.  You crack the shell to get to the inside, the egg.  Well each person has a soul.  Our soul is like the egg and our skin, our body, is like the shell.  The shell holds the egg, the insides."

Then he made the observation that when we die we don't take our body, but we get a new body when Christ comes again, just like we crack and throw away the shell of the egg.

OK, yup, we'll go with that.

So we sat there eating and drinking and talking about eggs and death and our soul.  It felt right not to have to hurry off anywhere, but to focus on my kids and where their hearts and heads are at right now.

Since chores aren't allowed, I asked if the boys wanted to go outside and toss the football around.  I'm not gonna lie, it was weird for me to be outside playing.  If I'm outside I am usually doing chores around the yard.  Our yard has been neglected for two summers due to the tornado.  Even my son noticed that every afternoon I work in the yard.  He asked me two days ago not to work in the yard and just do sidewalk chalk with him.  As a manager of the home it is hard to put aside all the chores and mess staring you in the face and remember to get down on your hands and knees and play.

So since the house  next door got tore down, we have this big beautiful open field.  The boysand I played catch with the football for about 45 min.  We laughed, we fell down, we had silly throws and we worked on good throwing skills.  I caught myself a few times looking around and wanting to call quits to the game to pull a few weeks, put toys away, work on my fence, etc.  But I stayed present with my children and I was rewarded with a wonderful morning.  I made memories with my kids.  I built trust and deepened my relationship with them.  I was a mom who was present and played with my kids.

This truly happened because of the Sabbath.  The Sabbath forces you to stop what you are doing and be present for what is important.  It creates space for you to deepen and build relationship with yourself, the Lord, and your family.  I had to physically remind myself not to work.  To be present and attentive to the relationships around me.  God has a high opinion about the Sabbath.  It is important to him because he knows how deeply we need it.

Fun time, fun mom, playful mom was present on Saturday because I wasn't bogged down by chores.  But the other cool thing that happened on Saturday morning was the conversations I had with my kids.  When you aren't rushing off somewhere and you aren't looking at your to do list, you are able to hear your kids.  To listen.  To talk.  To figure out life together.  The Sabbath provides time for those conversations to happen.

So that was the first half of our day. The rest of the day included EMDR therapy with Big and a fabulous Mexican birthday party in the evening.

Beautiful things tend to happen when you have the time to allow them to happen.  Lately I have been too busy for life to happen.  Saturday, life happened.

Hello again.

I am having this weird relationship with technology right now. 

I need it.  I am using it to purchase things we need because I don't want to run to the store for it.  It connects me to people so I don't feel alone, and I can then know what is going on in their world.  I love the books I am reading on my Kindle.  I love the music I listen to on my radio.  I love being paper free on my finances and doing it all online.

But...I don't like being online all the time, so I haven't.  I don't like being on my phone all the time so I let my phone go to voicemail. I don't like getting in my car and my kids see me hop on my phone.  I don't like having my computer open so I can check it all the time.

My computer crashed months ago and it broke my ties to the outside world, and I'm so glad it did.

Looking back I realized how often I would walk by my computer and check it.  I was texting all the time.  I even started to dialog in my head like it was a blog.  It was out of control.  But it somehow made me feel important, keeping connected.  I somehow started to believe that people needed to hear what I had to say.  That people were waiting to hear from me so I couldn't disappoint them.  It was this sad imaginary sense of self importance.  I believe in the importance of sharing life with others.  Of speaking to the things that change and challenge us so that others may gain and be encouraged by what we have learned.  Of sharing struggles or heartache so that others may know they are not alone.  We were made to be in relationship with others, to walk alongside each other to share in life.  I however started to feel too needed.  That people were waiting on me, and I didn't want to disappoint them.  So I would blog often, and then it became all consuming.   I would end up sitting next to my husband and blogging instead of being with my husband.  Blogging started to fill this imaginary place inside of me that said I was important and needed

And then I got cut off.  I was left with my real life.  I was left with my moments, and my nap time, and my evenings that had so many more options than getting on the computer.  I all of a sudden started to see how I was neglecting my relationships with the people in my house.

Now please don't get me wrong.  I have an Iphone so I am still checking things, but my life and my thoughts and my time aren't wrapped around being connected.  During nap time I would rather nap or garden or read or do chores so I can hang out with my kids in the afternoon.  In the evening I would rather do projects and hang out with Paul or relax.  My focus has turned back to my family.  To enriching the relationships that are before me.

It has amazed me how much mental noise facebook, the internet, email, texting, phone calls create.  Always being connected creates a lot of noise in my life and I simplified.  I enjoy not being connected all the time.  I enjoy being free of the pressure of needing to write a blog all the time.

There are so many fun things I want to share, and I will.  These last couple months have been ones of much learning.  Learning about food issues, learning about child behavior, learning all sorts of home repairs and projects, learning to be selfless.  The list goes on and on, and I'll get to it.

But the main thing I wanted to say was, hello.

Its been awhile.

Dani

Andrew Peterson - The Chasing Song

Andrew Peterson sings my heart better than I have words to write it.

If you have time to listen to this song you should.  He is an artist to support by purchasing his music.  Trust me, you will be blessed.

The Chasing Song

Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't

Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes

Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving

'Cause Job, he chased and answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he
Captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him

Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving

'Cause Samson chased a woman
and he chased the Philistines
I'm not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
And Jesus chased the money men
And he chased his Father's will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And he caught it on that hill
Saul, he chased the Christians
Till his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Please do me a favor, when you click on the link below, after you press play, close your eyes and listen.  It's the only video I could find and its terrible.  Don't be distracted by the crappy pictures posted to go along with this video.  Close your eyes, let it speak to you, and you will be blessed.

At least I have been.  I am glad we have resurrected this album.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bPZL0ROC_E&feature=fvwrel

Candida and me

I apologize now for all of my random thoughts from my previous post.  Like I said, I have a lot in my head, and a lot on my plate and sometimes it comes out all jumbled and I forget to complete full thoughts or give you a better understanding of what I'm doing in this diet, or what's going on.

A short while back, maybe a couple months ago, I went to see Dawn at New Dawn Health, the woman we go and see for Big.  This was kind of my "spa day".  For months I had changed my diet at first for my son and then to be healthier, but I was curious.  What was going on inside my body?  So when I had the chance to do something just for me, I went to go see Dawn and get tested.  I have struggled with headaches and lots of random stomach pains, so I knew there was something going on.

Now I understand that to some, seeing a naturalist is a bit out there on the crazy scale and maybe you have lost respect for me.  But really, if I was living my life to please you, it would look different and I wouldn't be happy.  I believe that all people are made up of blood, bones and muscle and energy. (And your soul and spirit and finger nails and what not) I believe that you can find out what's going on inside your body by looking at and testing the blood, urine and energy of a human.  Yes even your energy.  Every living thing has energy.  Ever walk into a room and feel immediately the tension that comes from two people, or the chemistry?  Remember when you were that person who had tension or chemistry with someone else?  It's all apart of our energy.  You might call it a vibe.

Well when Paul and I got Big tested and we heard the results, we were not immediately convinced.  In fact, we weren't convinced at all.  But we had no other choice.  There were no other options on the table at that time and continuing to live as we were was most definitely NOT an option.  So we changed the diet in hopes to see a difference.  We didn't start as believers, but we were willing to try to see if something would change.  We wanted to be proved wrong.  At some point in your life you are faced with a choice and when you choose, you have to jump and see what happens.  So we jumped on board with the diet waiting to see what would happen.

It was so amazing to see what changing a diet did for our son.

So, back to Candida.  I was told when I went to see Dawn that there was a strong vein of Candida in my system.  Not really knowing at all what that means, I saw my high chemical levels, and told her I was interested in detoxing.  So about two months ago, I did a two week detox.  It was a version of the Candida diet and lots of pills to pull the chemicals and Candida out.

I stuck to my diet for 1 week and 6 1/2 days.  The last day of the diet/detox was a really fun wonderful photo shoot where Paul and I got to be a bride and groom.  If that sounds fun, they also had cake.  A big beautiful wonderful delicious looking cake.  My emotional laps is always this, "I've been so good for two weeks and the diet is over in a couple hours anyway.  This is award winning cake!  It would be OK to eat a piece.  A couple hours won't make a difference."  I have a tendency to reward my good behavior with food.  And so I did.

The thing with Candida is that if it isn't completely killed off, it comes back with a vengeance.  The yeast does this because for the last couple weeks I was starving it.  Well, my system only registered that it needed more sugar.  The other thing with Candida is that you can't just enjoy one carb/starch/sugar item.  You CRAVE, you NEED, you HAVE to have more.  So I couldn't stop at one piece of cake, I had four.  Yeah you heard me right.  And thus started my downfall and spiral into a highly toxic diet again.

So I have been doing some reading and lots of research and now have a much deeper, well rounded understanding of Candida and what it takes to get rid of it. (much like I was eating Cashews and carrots and mushrooms on the previous detox and those items aren't allowed.  To be honest, nothing but veggies are allowed the first week.  whew.)  And its not a two week diet, this is looking more like a couple months of hard discipline ahead of me.

People want to know if I've gotten officially tested and the answer is no, if you mean. do I have a blood test by an official doctor.  However, I can see signs and symptoms and I do believe Dawn.  I also am highly addicted to sugar and carbs.

So, the reason I brought up Big before is I am starting this new diet to see if it works.  I am fascinated to know if I can live life without sugar cravings.  I want to know if when I have a cookie, I'm not obsessing about how to get another one or feeling guilty that I had the first one.  I want to know if I can say no to sugar with confidence and not regret.  I would love to know if I can survive nap time without a carb/sugar snack.  I want to know if its possible to not plan grocery shopping runs around my cravings/need for chocolate.  Cause if I plan it right, the kids won't be with me and I can buy whatever treat I want.  I don't want to live like that anymore.

I also want to see if its possible to live without all these crutches.  I want to be free from all those things and more.  I want to see what happens to my body if I eat carb/sugar free for a couple months.  (even on our gluten/dairy/sugar/soy/port/potato you can still have sweets and carbs.)  I am so curious to see what happens to my skin, to my attitude, to my anger, to my motivation, to...frankly... all of it.

I have often wondered at highly disciplined people in regards to food.  I feel like they would be unhappy resisting temptation all the time.  But most of the time they look really happy and satisfied.  I want to know if that is real and if it can be real for me.  I have never fully lived life without wanting, craving, needing highly sugary food.  I can only survive for a short time and then I cave.

I am curious.

Does this work?  Can I be free?  And when I mean free, can I enjoy a treat in a couple months and leave it at that.  How much mental space can I free up by not thinking about food all the time?  Can you live life apart from sugar?

I don't know.  But as far as I can tell, this detox and diet are my best chance at finding out.  So I am embarking on this journey.

For the last week I have starved off fruit, coffee, alcohol, all carbs and all sugar even natural.  If I'm not making it, I'm not eating it.  Tomorrow I start the detox drinks and the diet gets even more intense for about nine days and then eases back to where I am now for a couple months.

Whew.  I know it will be hard, but if I take the next couple months and compare it to the rest of my life.  It kind of feels worth it.  I know its worth it.

stop what you are doing

Today I received some very difficult information about someone I love.  Information that is sad, no, not sad, more than sad, devastating.  Life altering.  Heartbreaking.  News that challenges your faith.  News that makes or breaks you.   This someone isn't close to my physically or even emotionally if we are talking about how often we speak or see each other, but someone I love all the same.  Someone who has shared life with me.  Someone for whom even though life gets busy, I still love.

Someone who's life is at stake.

Life.

I just spoke at a Prayer Shawl appreciation luncheon and the woman who spoke after me lost her son in a terrible, horrific accident.  When we were speaking together after the event, the thing that sticks out the most to me is when she said, "God may be good through it all, but at least you're all still together.  You are still together."  She was referring to my family and that my children are still living.  That my husband is still living.

Every day we wake up and our family or friends are still with us, it reiterates this false sense of security.  It confirms what we knew to be true the day before, we are still all here.

But the truth and reality is that we won't be.

We won't always be here.

Our spouses will not always be here.

Our parents will not always be here.

Our children will not always be here.

Our dear friends who become family will not always be here.

Life.

Sickness is a part of life.  Accidents are a part of life.  Handicaps are a part of life.  Death is a part of life.

I have a lot on my list.  Things to do, life to make happen, projects to accomplish.

But today...today I just sat with my kids.

My heart is full of sadness, and I cry at really random times.

But if learning about the heartbreak of one family can teach us even a very small thing for our own life, it is this.

Stop what you are doing.

Stop what you are doing and tell those that you love that you love them.

Hug them, embrace them, kiss on them, and spend time with them.

Spend time with them.

You never know when the time will run out.

We've all heard it before and it sounds so cliche' but really, when you are at a loss for words and don't know what to do with heart break, they are the words that remind you of what is important.

Go ahead, hug someone and spend time with the people you love in your life.

And while you are embracing those that you love, please pray for the families that are facing life and death decisions.  Pray that faith is renewed and strengthened and that they see God.  Pray deeply that in the face of heartache, they can see God.


A long way of getting to the point

It's been awhile since I wrote.  Many factors contribute to this, mainly that I still don't have a computer!  Yea, I know, who knew it could take so long to choose a computer, but I haven't gotten one yet, and my dear sweet husband has had lots of extra work.  So in the evenings when I would write, he works on the computer.  And during the day when I would write, I have been overloading myself with projects.  Yard projects, home projects, cooking projects, life projects.  My head is about to explode.  I need to take a step back and take each one in stride.

The project currently taking up most of my mental space is my diet.  I confessed to you that I had cheated on our joy free diet.  It happens, I get it.  What I underestimated, was how hard it was to kick the sugar habit again.  Holy cow, how I like deep, rich flavorful food.  And sweet food.  So the last few weeks have been this hard, trying to kick the habit, but then I'll be walking through the grocery store late and night, and a cookie, or doughnut will be calling to me.  Or I'll be speaking at a luncheon and for some reason, when someone else cooks for me, I just can't seem to say no.  It's like it's my biggest love language right now and I eat it up.  I can find a dozen different reasons why I choose to be strong, then chicken out, or cave.  There is always a reason.

What I was finding was that I don't like this had control over me.  I don't like that I can't say no.  Combine that with the knowledge that I gained over a month ago that I have Candida.  For those of you how don't know, no it's not an STD or anything disgusting or creepy.  Candida is in its most basic form, an addiction to sugar.  It is a yeast overgrowth that needs starch/sugar to feed and grow.  This is my basic understanding.  In order to rid yourself of this and gain some control over your cravings and eliminate the yeast, one must eat only veggies, lean meat, eggs, and a small handful of other things.  You CAN'T eat starch of any kind, even potato's, sugar of any kind, even natural, coffee, alcohol, or fruit, or anything processed.  Yea, that gives me a lot of options doesn't it.  The kicker is that this diet requires you eat this way for almost 4 months in order to truly starve the yeast and kill it off.

(This is a VERY limited overview of Candida.  If you would like to know more, please visit TheCandidaDiet.com for more information.)

All that to say, I am in day four of my diet, and IT SUCKS!  I'm not gonna lie.  Most of the time the only thing going on in my head is, "I'm hungry, what can I eat?  I am so hungry, I want a chip.  I want a brownie.  I want a piece of my kids birthday cake.  I want bean and corn dip.  Mmm...I want ice cream.  I want to eat anything deep and rich and full of fat.  Then I want to wash it down with hot coffee, finished with a glass of wine."


Day two of the diet was probably  the worst since my body was going full throttle with no sugar or caffeine.  By the end of the day, my body could hardly move my head hurt so bad.  I laid in bed wanting to throw up, and eventually fell asleep.  Woke up the next morning feeling much better.  No headache since then though.  I got through that and then was faced with my kids birthday party.  Baking a cake and not getting to lick my fingers, or snag a small piece, or have one at the party.  At the party, I couldn't eat the rainbow fruit kabob, or my favorite Quino and black bean chips.  No glass of wine for me, yes we had wine for adults at the kids party, that just makes sense in our world, or no coffee on the chilly rainy day.  All things I love, all things I can't have.

At the end of the day, when I was exhausted from the activities, I was craving cake, or chips, or chili, or anything other than the veggies I was eating for supper.  I wanted something, ANYTHING real to eat.  Oh, to be in my head right now is just obnoxious.  So terribly annoying.

So I am stuck in this place of immediate want/need.  I crave, I have emotional connection to food and I want it.  Its hard to sit there in front of food that isn't even all that bad for you and still say no.

And then there is the knowledge and personal experience of knowing how good I feel when I eat healthy and am free of my cravings and obsession and guilt over food.  I love the freedom that comes from not having the cravings.  I love that my taste buds enjoy veggies when I am not eating a swiss cake roll.  I love how I don't feel bloated, or guilty or heavy or obsessed.  I love my energy level and peace of mind, and the amount of patience I have when I eat healthier.

Right now, all day long, it is a choice,.  Immediate satisfaction that is fun while it lasts, or looking at the possibility that I could really be free from this.  That I could find a place in my lifetime to not obsess over food.  To not feel guilty over what I eat.  I don't know if this place exists, but I am going to spend the next four months trying to figure it out and see if I can get there. 

The thing is, I don't want to be a secret eater.  I want to live fully in our diet, and look in my sons eyes with pride and understanding of what it means to eat healthy.  But you can also live on carbs and sweets even on our diet, and I don't want to be a slave to that either.  So I don't know if I can make the whole four months, it seems really, really daunting right now.  But if I take this one day at a time, I may get to four months.  As I write this, I have made it four days, and it's sucked.  But I know the first two weeks are the hardest.  I"m getting there.

One day at a time.  Or in my case right now, one meal at a time, and then at the end of the day, I can say, I did it!  Candida is a real issue.  One that I have.  I can either ignore it, and just live life as I have.  Eating healthy while waiting for the sleeping giant to rear its ugly head all the time.  Or I can face it, and see if I can live in a better place.  I'm not sure you can rid yourself completely of Candida, but I am going to try to find the best way to live with it.

I am choosing freedom over cravings.  Big picture over in the moment.  Health over obsession.  But I am so cranky about it, and I'm not sure how long I can last.  So here's to hoping and praying for better things.

A fallen time

So admitting this means I have to admit defeat.  It means that I have to confess to not being stronger than I think I am.  Confessing this means I am human.  In being human, I fall, I make mistakes, I look at what I do and feel ashamed, and then just like any fallen person, I have to choose.  Do better, or continue in my sulking and sinning.

This weekend I broke the diet and broke it hard.  Sorry to all of you out there who had better faith in me.  I realize why I did it now, and I have noticed a books worth of repercussions.

This weekend we had strong weather advisory.  There was a strong tornado path that was coming and going from Friday - Sunday.  The thing is, Paul was gone till Sunday at a gig.  Chad our renter was gone most of the weekend at a wedding, and Jeromy, our saving grace last time was with Paul at the gig.  So all my people were out.  It was just me and the kids.  What I realized as I watched my son grow more and more anxious at the wind, that I too was very anxious.  I always masked my nerves by associating them with the kiddos.  What I needed to admit myself was that the tornado left a long impression on me as well.

The thing about me and stress is that we have a complicated relationship.  When I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I eat.  That is my M.O.  I eat.  But to make sure that no one can see that flaw in my D.N.A. I secretly eat.  If no one sees you, than it doesn't happen right?   For some reason I suppose my ability to eat whatever I wanted made me feel like I could control one thing in my life.  Which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it, since it really means that the cravings actually have control over you.

I couldn't believe my lack of control.  I couldn't believe how easily I fell.  The wind and the storms made me nervous.  The fact that my security team wasn't here totally unnerved me.  I wasn't sure what I would do without those three men here, and it would just be me and the kids if something happened.  And so I ate to relieve the stress. (And when I mean eat, I mean ice cream, cookies, hamburgers, etc. When I binge, I do it all out.)

This is what eating terribly for a weekend revealed to me:

1. It is almost impossible to eat healthy when you are eating processed sugary foods.  Who the heck wants salad and asparagus when you can eat a burger and fries and it tastes SO good?  There is no room for eating healthy when you are graving grease and sugar.

2. I was having these flash backs to my previous life when I would do is obsess over food.  I understand that I am always thinking or buying or preparing food, but I don't obsess over it.  I don't crave it.  I don't feel guilt over it.  I don't calculate it.  On our allergen free diet, I enjoy food.  I eat a wide range of food.  I always feel satisfied, but never over indulged.  I never feel guilty.  I have freedom from the pains of food, from the dysfunction of food.  But binging this past weekend, it threw me right back to all those unhealthy places.  I would eat cereal and then I couldn't get enough.  After I ate icecream I just kept thinking, when could I get my hands on another treat?  I felt like I walked right back into prison.  My mind and body wasn't free from cravings or addiction to sugar anymore.  I let it own me.  I couldn't say no to processed sugary food.  And my body felt gross.  I felt so gross, bloated, heavy, guilty, all of it.  Eating process food only made me want more of the processed food and none of the healthy food.

3. I couldn't believe my emotional response to food.  I have often talked about how Big's response to food has been all emotional and behavioral.  It reshaped my understanding of food's role in our life. Now, I was watching myself firsthand and paying very close attention to my behavior and emotional response.  It floored me.  Eating unhealthy processed food, along with gluten/dairy/sugar/soy I became more on edge than I usually am with my kids.  Where I was able to easily get out of bed before and embrace my day, I had to drag myself out of bed.  I didn't have any energy.  I was lethargic, slow, empty, and kind of depressed.  My energy zapped, my taste for fatty food the only thing in my mind.  I was sitting and watching TV at night and not doing anything.  I was ready terrible fiction and it was consuming my time.  I was getting swallowed by own lethargic self.  I had no motivation.  I didn't care about much.  I was cranky and angry with the kids.  I was more my old self than I have been in over a year.  I couldn't believe how much eating my old way effected me.  Effected my behavior.  Effected my emotions.

4. When I am eating healthy I have the capability to choose.  Even in a quick moment, I know I have a choice in my behavior.  This is what I keep explaining about Big, so I don't know why I was so surprised to see it in myself.  I would pray and pray for the patience to deal with my kids.  To help them, to parent them, to train them and guide them.  God has shown me much in what it means to be a healthy parent.  It was astounding to me though to realize how much food effected my mood.  Eating a ton of processed food took away my ability to choose.  I would INSTANTLY react.  There was no second for a quick choice.  My emotions were directed by the sugar and fat I was putting in my body.  It was almost an out of body experience.  I watched myself loose control.  Get frustrated easy.  Go right to directing behavior instead of encouraging character in my kids.  When I live on our new diet, I have been amazed at how God freed me from instant reaction.  I have this capability to choose in a second how I want to respond.  I am not as stressed out or filled with anxiety.

5. I realize that many people see our life and think it is overwhelming.  They come to think we live in this food prison not getting to enjoy all the things they get to enjoy.  Not getting the convenience of processed food.  But I have to say.  When you see our life and it looks like there are bars in the way, I think you are looking from the inside out, not the other way around.  My life may look high maintenance in regards to food and you may feel sorry for us, but don't.  This past weekend has taught me in spades that I will do the hard work and get the sugar out of my system again because I don't want to live in this space anymore.  I feel like I openly walked into this prison of addiction and guilt and I want out.  I want my brain back.  I want my energy back.  I want my evenings of getting real rest, quality time with my spouse and the attention to work on projects back.  I want my life back.  I want a deeper, richer life that is free from guilt, shame and addiction.  I have had a taste of my old life, and I hated it.

I hate that I fell.  Clearly I have some deep rooted habits that still need to be worked through emotionally and spiritually, but I'm getting back on track.  Wish me luck, detoxing and clearing sugar addiction out of your system is hard work, but like I said, I want my life back.

And selfishly, I want to fit in my pants better again.  Man I forgot how easy it is to gain weight when you eat like crap!

Living between fear and trust

I wasn't sure how to start this blog.  Some of the things I want to share will concern some of our family.  Others may think I am overreacting.  And if I hear one more person tell me that we should move, I may start scratching myself on the arms till I bleed.

We live in North Mpls.  Is it the most dangerous place to live in the Twin Cities?  No, but we sure are close.  We call it the hood, not the ghetto, the hood.

Over the years, all sorts of strange things have happened here, some of them dangerous.  On average we call 911 once maybe twice a week.  More often in the summer.

We live in the city and for the most I love it.  We are close to so many things.  We bike all over, walk to the store and thrive on doing all sorts of artsy fartsy things.  We love the variety and accessibility of food and theater and music and art and parks and trails.  It's wonderful.

We choose to live where we do because we couldn't afford anything else.  We choose to stay because we can't afford to move. Within the first month of moving in, my husband got jumped in the park one block from our house.  It is "our park" according to our kids because we walk there all the time.  We have been broken into a handful of times but no one was ever injured.  We have a two bedroom house where our space is limited, but we love that it forces us to live more simply, although I think it just forces me to be more creative in how I stash our stuff!  We have tried to move once, and then the economy tanked.  Like thousands of others, we ended up being tens of thousands of dollars under our mortgage.  The bridge that linked us to NE got blown up and since then, what was the riskiest place to live in regards to crime, shifted to where we live in North.  NE is now the art hub of the cities, weird right?  Then a tornado hit, demolishing already run down houses.  Where we sit now, we'll never be able to move.  I couldn't believe a houses value could sink quite as far as ours did.

BUT...

The homes around here are looking great including ours.  A true blessing if you ask me.  Improvements that never would have happened without the force of the tornado.  The bridge opens at the end of June and I am curious to see how things shift again in regards to crime and shootings and deaths where we live.  Our area of Mpls was also chosen out of dozens of cities across the United States to receive a special improvement grant for our side of the Mississippi.  They will be cleaning up the north side of the river, adding trails, parks, businesses and making it a go to spot when traveling to the cities.

We live in this juxtaposition of good and bad, as most people do, it just seems to be kind of extreme.

In the last couple weeks, I have seem what usually is a whole summers worth of police cars.  A whole summers worth in the last couple weeks.

Eight cop cars and an ambulance brought out a man from a home on our block five doors down.  There was all sorts of screaming at the cops while they took the gentleman away.

Four days ago a young man was riding his bike to deliver a meal that his mom made for a friend three blocks away.  Two boys shot and killed him taking his bike in the process, two blocks from us.  Mindless, ruthless hate.

I wrote about the cops coming and arresting and searching for someone in the home right behind us.

Detectives have been searching our alley corner, including our yard for evidence to God knows what.

Twice in the last two weeks I have come home to different routes being blocked off by the police because they are looking for someone.

Three times I have come home and there have been drug deals/exchanges happening between cars right in front of our home.

Two years ago there was a girl shot and killed right in front of our house because she was at a party where there was angry gang activity.

That was the first murder that started a string of gang related murders over the next couple weeks causing that to be the most murders that Mpls has seen in over 20 years.

One year ago a party let out and while everyone was walking down the street they decided to smash our friends window while jumping on the hood of their car.  (Gheezz, writing all this together makes me a little nervous.)

I get it.  It happens everywhere.  I know that to be true.  Maybe it isn't as obvious where you live, maybe it is, but the murder of this boy on his bike has kind of been our last straw.  Mindless, senseless killing.

Before there was this sense of false security that if you leave "them" alone, "they" will leave you alone.  We call it targeted violence.  We lived in this belief that the main stream of violence happened within circles of people defending their territory, their family, or proving to themselves or to friends that they were dangerous enough to pull of "said" crime.  We know it happens around us, but our lives don't really intersect to bring us face to face to life altering violence.

There have always been random acts of violence.  A rape at our park at dinner time, a child dying by a stray bullet that was shot in the air, but now this.  Killed for his bike, two blocks away.  This poor boy did nothing wrong and his family will suffer forever.

The crime here seems to be escalating.  Other good friends who live in the hood have been feeling this constant low hope dread feeling as of lately.  They say they feel like they have to always be looking over their shoulder.

So now we are presented with a choice.  We can't move.  That isn't a choice, at least not right now.  So our choice is to live in fear or trust God that whatever happens can be worked to his glory, even if that means one of children suffer death or a permanent life altering handicap because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I don't know how to live in that place.  A place that allows my children to still play outside because their kids and they need to be outside without making myself sick worrying about their safety.  Do we always have to fear the person walking down the street?  That creates unfair judgement and fear to everyone involved.  What does that do to my faith and my heart when all I do is wonder and worry about things out of my control?  Perfect love drives out fear right?  In otherwords, that means trust.  I trust in God's love to be enough.  Trust his ability to work good out of all situations.  Trust him that even while my kids ride their bikes, that if a stray bullet hits one of them, he would still be good.

That feels like a tall order.  I don't want to be lazy in my parenting, and I want to be smart in listening to my gut, paying attention to what is happening outside and making smart choices.  That is how I make responsible choices for my kids.  That is how I make healthy choices for my family.  But for all my being responsible, accidents still happen and I don't control what goes on in my neighborhood.  In the middle of the day, while I was out with my kids, we were run down by the SWAT team. No way of seeing that coming.

So, we live in a scary place.  It feels scarier to me now more than ever anyway.  We make sure we are in before dark.  I am always outside when my kids are.  And I pray everyday that I could trust in God's ability to take care of us, even if something happens.  I pray for my ability to believe in his goodness.  That I wouldn't give up hope.  And I pray that he keeps my kids safe.  And if something should happen, that I would still have faith that he is good.

I'm not sure if a lot of this makes sense, mostly I just needed it out of my head.  The juxtaposition of living in a scary place and trying to be safe, while ultimately trusting that God will be enough.

There are many things I love about living in the city, but I'm not gonna lie, my heart is ready for my old brick farm house on acres of land.

I choose to trust that God is good.

Please keep the families of this young man in your prayers.  They have a lot of hate and frustration they need to work through.




Wisdom

The best parenting advice ever offered to me:

"Teach your thinkers to feel and your feelers to think."

Hardest parenting advice to put into practice:

"Teach your thinkers to feel and your feelers to think."

a fun idea for the future

All these thoughts are running through my head:

1. A conversation I had with my friend Pastor Graf about the idea of modeling behavior and disciplines.  I don't have a lot of people in my life who walk alongside me that model behaviors that I want.  I don't have a mentor in my spiritual life, in my family life, as my role as a woman/wife, as a speaker, or as a cook.  Jesus was a model in behavior, yes I understand, but what does it mean to have someone who's life looks like mine to model behaviors that I desire?  To learn from?  To ask questions from?  To gain wisdom from?

2. Sitting in my kitchen with my friend and wishing we had more time together than we normally do.  She was asking questions about what I was cooking and I thought, man wouldn't it be great if she moved in here for a couple weeks and I could teach her how to cook?  I could show her my meal plan, where I shop for diet restrictions, things I have learned in the past year and how to cook allergen free on a budget.

3. My sister has been sick for a long time and I wanted to bring her here so that she could be seen by Dawn at New Dawn Health, and we could explore a different approach to looking at her health.  For 10 days, we detoxed her, I cooked for her, we shared recipes, we went to the grocery store and looked and talked about food.  I am sure it sucked for her, and was way more than she bargained for and felt very overwhelmed.  She is on a new diet of gluten/dairy/sugar/soy/pork free.  But for me, I LOVED it!  I loved having her here while she sat in my kitchen and we just talked.  We talked about faith, life and friends, and while we talked, I was slowly teaching her how to cook.  She doesn't cook at all, so I got to walk her a long in small ways learning the way around the kitchen.

This became a dream of mine.  Someday in the future I want to run a modeling house.  A place that thrives on health for the physical and spiritual soul. I want to bring people in for a period of time and sit with them, listen to them, talk with them, cook with them, pray with them.  I want to teach them what I know and have learned about healthy living. I want to help walk them into a place where they can cook and enjoy food without gluten/dairy/sugar.  I want to set them up for success in wanting to live this way.  I do NOT know everything there is to know.  I am NOT an expert.  I am NOT a doctor.  I am a mom who transitioned her family into a healthier way of eating and living and I have taken LOTS of notes.  I have journaled our progress a ton.  I feel like I could help others transition out of a heavy starch/meat diet and set them up for success and freedom from unhealthy food .

The idea of modeling life.  Christ lived with a few to model life to them.  I get that I have that with my children and I love that.  But I think, when they are grown a bit more, why stop with just them?  There are so many who suffer physically and long for a better, healthier life.  We have knowledge to share.  Health and life to share.  I want to do that for others in a cool camp like, sit in my kitchen and lets drink wine and gab and cook kind of way..  How does that not sound like the best idea ever!?

I got a taste of it with my sister and I love this idea.  It is only a dream and an idea right now, but I made tons of lists with notes of how to do it better and set my time up for better success next time.  It was wonderful.

I have a dream.

Small things impact in HUGE ways



13 years ago was my first trip to Haiti and my life has never been the same.

Six years ago I was honored to be on the founding board of the Haiti Mission Project. Working with this team of people makes me feel humbled and honored to be apart of such Christ centered work.

Two years ago a monumental earthquake destroyed the city we love in the country we are passionate about hurting the people who have become our family.

One year ago Cholera began to rise to epidemic proportions. 500,000 have been affected. Over 7,000 have died since the Earthquake.

Today, the rainy season has begun. In all honesty, heavy rains have plagued the country for the last week and today, tonight actually, as I write this, we received this announcement:

SUBJECT: HEAVY RAINS EXPECTED FRIDAY NIGHT AND SATURDAY (MARCH 30-31)

The Haiti National Weather Service is predicting heavy rainfall on Friday evening (March 30) and on Saturday (March 31). The whole country is predicted to be affected, including Port-au-Prince. Please be careful, as flash flooding can occur, making conditions very dangerous.

Once the rain begins, the dirty and infected water washes down hillsides, overflows open sewer systems, floods and contaminates the rivers and small communities only water sources. Water carrying cholera will quickly spread and be used by children, youth, and adults living throughout Haiti, including the crowded slums of Port au Prince. Within hours and days, sewer systems, open bathrooms, garbage, drinking water, washing water, food waste, medical waste all washes together and lives in the same source. But with the water rushing and the rain washing it down stream, the people drinking from the river don't know that someone just crapped in it up the road. I don't know about you, but I feel deeply that clean water is a human right.

If you don't know, Cholera is a bacterial infection transmitted by drinking water or eating food that has been contaminated by the feces of an infected person. Many Haitians do not have access to modern toilets or working sewers and septic tanks, which helps explain how the infection has quickly become what NPR News recently called “the worst ongoing episode in the world.”

The effects of cholera include intestinal pain, severe diarrhea, vomiting and in some cases death by dehydration. In most cases, cholera is treatable by rehydration solutions, but intravenous (IV) fluids or antibiotics may also be needed. Almost essentially, clean water.

After understanding how widely the people in Haiti were effected the last two years by this epidemic, it is hard to sit back and watch, knowing that thousands are still living in tent cities and that the worst slum is sitting at the bottom of the city, where the river sources dump into the ocean. This slum being set up to the worst hit.

LinkBut we don't need to sit back. We can do something. You can do something.

The Haiti Mission Project has already established clinics ready to receive Aqua tabs. Aqua tabs are small tablets used to decontaminate water making it possible to drink and to use for food preparation. These tablets are able to be purchased for mere pennies.



Here are the tabs.

Now here is the math:

1 aqua tab will clean 2 1/2 gallons of water.

We are hoping to give 5 aqua tabs per person for the week to create clean water in the aid of preventing Cholera.

$10 will provide 300 people with clean water for a day
$25 will provide 750 people with clean water for a day
$100 will provide 3000 people with clean water for a day

If you are interested in reading about one of the doctors we are working with in the distribution of Aqua tabs you can read his blog here. We will also be working Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity along with other clinics in need of providing preventative care as Cholera cases escalate

I beg of you. If you have read this far, and this human need has touched your heart in any way, you can help by doing any of the following:

1. Please visit www.haitimissionproject.org and donate. 100% of your donation will go to providing aquatabs for creating safe water.

2. Post the safewater logo on your facebook page and a link to the website to continue promoting this very real and current human need.

3. Tell your friends, co-workers, churches, class mates, family and strangers about this campaign. Our goal is to reach $6,000 and we can't do that without getting the word out. Remember, you aren't supporting the Haiti Mission Project., you are helping care for your fellow mankind in a country that is getting hit hard with rain that will create water sources that carries the potential to kill them. This isn't about any one organization, its about people.

4. Write an article about it, write a bulletin insert about it, write a blog about it, conduct a radio interview around it. We need all the help we can get to the word out and make sure we can meet our goal in providing multiple clinics with aquatabs.

5. Please pray. We want God to be honored in this and we would love to see the power of kindness and compassion move through people and see our goal met. We want to see people's lives saved. We want to see families whose mothers and fathers are around to see their kids grow up. Please pray that this campaign can carry an impact and that people will see the value in their dollar.

Thank you for walking with us in this. Thank you for giving.

Cough medicine and Pineapple salsa


I haven't updated about Big lately and I wanted to do so. Here is a fun picture of him helping me in the kitchen when he was 5. I love that face.

So many of you have been following our journey and I haven't done a really great job keeping you updated.

It's hard in some cases because Big doesn't really have any physical reaction in your traditional sense. There are no rashes, no throwing up, headaches, stomach aches, discoloration of skin. Nothing. Our only indicator is his behavior.

Now let's be honest, we have all paid at least a minimal amount of attention to our poop, so we know that the food we digest takes time to work its way through our system. That being said, his behavioral response is the same way that it happens anywhere from a few hours to two days after he's eaten something and can last up for up to four days till it's all out of his system. Food takes time to be digested and effect your systems.

This makes paying attention to his food, his behavior, his sleep, his transitions every day, all day exhausting.

For the last month or so I have been cautious to write anything because something deep down in my gut has been telling me that something, albeit very small, but still something is off.

If you get discouraged by the use of my vague description words, I apologize. I try so hard to find words that describe what happens when food effects my son. The words I keep coming back to are:

Hard. Constant. Fight. Push.

When something is off with Big, I can tell because his pushing back and fighting me is constant. However, it is often small things that, when, you pull that specific instance out on its own, it's no big deal. But you put it right next to every behavior he has and they are all the same, you start to wonder. When these questions/statements start coming up continually through the day

"Big, can you hear me? I have asked you four times to ________. Let's take off the angry face. Please stop your whining. Don't argue. Stop yelling. Watch your ton of voice. Sharing is a way that we show love to others."

All of these statements are things a parent says countless times during the day. My life is no exception. HOWEVER, a healthy, normal child should be able to listen at some point. A normal, healthy child should be able to make a wise choice at least once during the day. When Big is in his heightened state, any ability to make a good choice, to control his voice, to show kindness, to understand his emotions, is impossible.

The last month has shown small indications of these behaviors. However the last month has also been either mom, dad or the whole family gone every weekend. It’s been the same meal over and over again. It has been the loss of our Sabbath because we have been gone. All family time is shopping for food, preparing food, or packing or unpacking, so there have been late nights and less intentional time. All of these factors have been the reason I understand Big’s behavior to be the way it is. These are legitimate reasons.

However, something has felt off. Just a little something, but something all the same.

This is what I have learned over the last month:

  1. All natural Pineapple Salsa from Trader Joe’s still has sugar in it. I didn’t realize that until we had eaten Mexican Lasagna two days in a row and I prepared it for their sitter.
  2. Their All natural cough medicine from the Co-op that has lists of names I can’t pronounce still uses Soy and Gluten. But you have to research the names in order to find that out. I’ll be honest, due to the constant checking labels, there are times where I just take names “all natural” for granted, especially if it comes from the Co-op where things feel the most natural and best for you. I still take those labels for face value, and you can’t. YOU CAN’T. You have to be diligent in checking and looking and researching. It is tiring, that’s why I let this one slide, and I now know different.
  3. Sweet Potato fries from Trader Joe’s also have sugar in them.
  4. When using different salsa and stopping the cough medicine I have seen changes in Big. We are still dealing with our transition out of a crazy schedule into normal routine, but he has the ability to cope. He didn’t before. We don’t have to remind him to do things 20 times before he does it. I can’t tell you what that means! On the right diet, Big has the mental capability to hear me, to listen, and to respond. He still gets cranky. He still doesn’t like to share most of the time. He still whines. BUT, he has moments of making good choices. He hears me and will get his shoes on and get dressed without it being a fight. Without complaining.
  5. Its hard to post this because he/we are still human. I like to have a couple weeks go by with this “regular” behavior so I know it’s not a fluke. I can tell it’s not a fluke because he hugs me again. He will look me in the eye. He can remember the rules and do chores without me needing to ask.
  6. I know some of you might not agree with me that food plays this huge important role in our lives and behaviors, but there is NO way you will ever convince me of that. I see constantly with myself and my children the way food has changed our lives. The right kind of food. I have also seen other parents start to monitor their child’s intake of sugar and then they are amazed at the difference. It often doesn’t take much, but even small changes can make the world of difference.

For your sake, I would love to figure out a way to communicate more effectively the change I see take place in my children when they eat right. Food not only fuels them, but gives them the opportunity to live life. I see Big’s relationship with his siblings and with me struggle. I see our whole family hurt. I see that Big wants to choose different, but its almost like he can’t. Food takes over and takes away his ability to make healthy choices.

I understand. I GET IT. Food is only piece. Schedule, parenting, discipline, school, family, emotions, it all plays a part in our choices. I GET IT!

But why don’t ever give any thought to food being a piece of that puzzle? And if we are looking for a way to help our children be the best version’s of themselves, than why don’t we look at just one piece of the puzzle and make some changes to that one piece.

I bet you would be surprised, just as we were, to see how strong a role food plays in your ability to live life to the fullest.

So, Big is doing great. We continue to discover all sorts of new things to create a healthy, satisfied family and life.

Thanks for walking with us.

If you have other insights, I would love to know about them. We continue to learn and grow and share as we go along.

The Forevertron

I love those times when you can see a physical representation of a spiritual experience.

For over 10 years, Paul has wanted to take me to the Forevertron Art Park in WI. A couple weekends ago, all the stars aligned and we were able to go. Paul and I are big lovers of art, and we frequent galleries whenever possible. Going to multiple galleries and the sculpture gardens here in the twin cities was actually our first date.

Here is a shot of the main attraction, Forevertron



This is my favorite shot we took.



We spent most of our time looking around and enjoying the experience with the kids, so our pictures aren't the greatest. If you want great photo's please check out the link below. Also, all the amazing details that make up the Forevertron are listed below.

Here is an excerpt when researching about the Forevertron:

Dr. Evermor's Forevertron, built in the 1980s, is the largest scrap metal sculpture in the world, standing 50 ft. (15,2 m.) high and 120 ft. (36,5 m.) wide, and weighing 300 tons[1]. It is housed in Dr. Evermore's Art Park on Highway 12, in the town of Sumpter, in Sauk County, Wisconsin, United States.

The sculpture incorporates two Thomas Edison dynamos from the 1880s, lightning rods, high-voltage components from 1920s power plants, scrap from the nearby Badger Army Ammunition Plant, and the decontamination chamber from the Apollo 11 spacecraft[2]. Its fictional creator, Dr. Evermor, was born Tom Every[3] in Brooklyn, Wisconsin[disambiguation needed ] and is a former demolition expert who spent decades collecting antique machinery for the sculpture and the surrounding fiction that justifies it. According to Every, Dr. Evermor is a Victorian inventor who designed the Forevertron to launch himself, "into the heavens on a magnetic lightning force beam." The Forevertron, despite its size and weight, was designed to be relocatable to a different site—the sculpture is built in sections that are connected by bolts and pins.[2]

In addition to the Forevertron itself, the sculpture includes a tea house gazebo from which Every says Queen Victoria and Prince Albert may observe the launching of Dr. Evermor; it also includes a giant telescope where sceptics may observe the ascent. Dr. Evermor's art park is home to scores of other sculptures, many of which relate to the Forevertron, such as the "Celestial Listening Ear" and the "Overlord Master Control Tower". Other large-scale sculptures include gigantic insects (the "Juicer Bug" and "Arachna Artie"), the "Epicurean" bellows-driven barbecue train, "The Dragon", and "The UFO". The most numerous sculptures are the "Bird Band and Orchestra" which includes nearly 70 birds ranging from the size of a child to twenty feet tall, all made from scrap industrial parts, geological survey markers, knives, loudspeakers, springs, and musical instruments, among other salvaged materials.

Tom Every says he takes pride in allowing the original materials to remain unaltered as much as possible, using their original forms in new juxtapositions to create his aesthetic. While he himself is not often available for tours of the art park, the site can generally be accessed from passing through the surplus store adjacent to it, Delaney's Surplus. Mr. Every also created much of the installation art for the House on the Rock, including the world's largest carousel.

If you want to read more, check out this article from PBS (which is great!)

One especially inviting aspect of this park is the field of Song Birds.



The field of Song Birds were all created and designed around an instrument. The heart and soul of each piece has its heart beat in music displayed in a unique way. It's beautiful and worth a slow walk around to appreciate each piece.



Here is my favorite. (We had each person stand next to their favorite piece after exploring through the song birds. It was fun to hear the kids reasoning behind why they were eliminating certain pieces.)



Here is the largest and most intimidating piece in the field of song birds, and the boys favorite. Isn't it stunning and amazing!



It was very spiritual for me to walk around and see bits and pieces of metal, car scraps and radiators and instruments and bowling balls all designed in a whole new way. Something that would normally be thrown away was created into a new artistic expression. Dr. Evermor sees past what others see. He sees something new out of what can't be used for it's original purpose anymore. He can imagine and dream something broken into something that inspires life. It can be hard for me sometimes to push past what is. To see past what was broken.

I often think that one of the greatest tools used to keep people from living freely in Christ is the guilt over what they have broken in life. To just see the strangled pieces. The hurt that they have done to themselves or to others. To see trust broken. To see relationships damaged. To see mistakes that can't be undone.

For some it's addiction, or abuse, or lying and cheating. It could be divorce, death, disease, or hospitalization. It could be obesity, or impaired mental and emotional health; it could be a natural disaster, or a shooting or car accident. It could be disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness, or pain.

Brokenness comes in all shapes and sizes. People wear it differently wherever they go, and thus making it impossible to see sometimes. It can come out at judgmental, or fear, or OCD, or short tempered, or irritability. We become afraid of others seeing that we are broken, or weak, or all used up. That we actually could have life left to live but feel lifeless. But it's there and we all have it. We can either let it sit there, suffocating our existence, stealing our joy, or we can own it and see how God takes us on a journey to turn it into something new and amazing!

Brokenness can stay broken. It often does if we hide it, or run from it, or ignore it like body odor. But broken it remains.

Or, it can be given new life. It can be healed. It can be beautiful.

Do not be afraid of the road or the work that it takes to move from broken to beautiful, from old to new.

I loved visiting the Forevertron, it breathed peace into my broken places.

Have hope today. Beauty is in there.

It has to start somewhere

Let me start by saying that I am exhausted. My five week stretch of speaking weekends, vacation, and having company have caught up to me.

My husband is also exhausted.

My kids are just trying to keep up.

All this leaves us little energy to love each other the way I think we truly want to and the way God desires and command we do.

This evening my husband and I had an issue with the way the other person was handling bed time. Silly, I know, but when your energy is zapped and people don't behave the way you are willing or expecting them to, it gets irritating. So we irritated each other.

I am usually a pusher. I don't like confrontation so I push through the issue till things are better. Tonight, I decided to own my fault, apologize, and sit on the basement stairs and just cry.

Sometimes a good cry is what makes it all better.

I had a phenomenal weekend. Truly, maybe one of the best all year. And then reality came, as it always does.

So I sat on the stairs and just wept. Wept for no reason and wept for real reasons. Wept for real hurt and wept for unjustified anger.

As I sat there, I just cried and thought, "why?" Why does this feel so hard? Why can't we be nice to each other? Why does no one in this house have nice words for each other, including myself? I'm not even proud of the way I am speaking to my kids or my husband. Why did we do this to ourselves again? Why did we think we could pull this off without coming out the other side wounded? I cried for all those questions and for the questions I didn't even know how to ask. I pleaded with God to give me something. To speak some of truth into my heart to help me gain wisdom.

As my heart started to settle, I heard two things:

Spiritual Warfare is real. As my husband and I discuss parenting issues, we sometimes find ourselves on opposite sides of issues. Some of that has come up recently (that's another post) and all of a sudden I saw how we were just kind of at each other about small things. It resonated with my heart that Satan (forces, whatever) was trying to keep us divided instead of forming a strong team to lead our children in their walk with the Lord, each other, and the community. We have let our prayer time together, our family meeting and snuggle time fall to the wayside due to the schedule of the last month. All of these things together weaken us as a family and makes feeding on our weakness even easier. I am not usually one to immediately think of Spiritual Warfare, so the fact that it was first thought made me pay attention. I knew immediately I needed to go and pray with Paul.

The second thing that came to me was actually my own words that I spoke to the youth this weekend; it starts with you.

I don't know about you, but I HATE when my words come back to bite in the arse. As soon as I heard it, I tried to fight it.

I don't want to be the one to change their attitude to inspire everyone else in my house to be better. I don't want to try to be humble and see my mistakes and not someone elses. I don't want to give up being cranky while everyone else gets to be. I am tired and I want someone else to do it.

I want someone else to reign in their feelings and try to be better. I want someone else to take a breath and wait before they speak. I want someone else to start thinking of others. I want someone else to serve me. I want someone else to give up their selfishness.

But the words were: It starts with you.

Forgiveness starts with you.
Love starts with you.
Patience starts with you.
Serving starts with you.
Mercy starts with you.
Self Control starts with you.
Laughter starts with you.
Playing starts with you.
Goodness starts with you.
Joy starts with you.
Understanding starts with you.
A good attitude starts with you.

It starts with me.

I couldn't escape it. I know it's true. It starts with you. With me. And I just challenged 500 youth and adults to live this way because I believe and know it to be true. But in the midst of the challenge of life and in the moment of weakness and tiredness, it is hard to hold onto that inspiration. To let that truth move me to action. To let that truth be bigger than my weakness. To let that truth be bigger than my frustration. Bigger than my hurt. Bigger than my pride. Bigger than my control.

That truth needs to move me into selflessness.
That truth needs to move me into love.
That truth needs to move me into humbleness.

Paul and I usually only conflict when we are tired, empty and have nothing to give to the other person. This is where we are.

This is where I need to step up the most. To love him when we have nothing to help move us out of this place. To not let the hard part separate us.

We all have a choice. Its hard. But I am going to try, because I challenge you to try.

It starts with you.

It starts with me.