A year of learning

I have confessed to my husband and received his forgiveness. If you know us, you know this is not unusual.

Tonight's dinner did not go as expected. (Leave it to my kids to eat a pretty terrible meal anyway praising me for loving them and cooking so they can eat. I sometimes worry about their culinary palate; eating off the floor, out of the dirty kitchen sink and from the garbage. You can judge me now, I deserve it.)

However, because it was far from tasty, that left my husband with nothing to eat. In our house we have primarily moved to all fresh fruit and veggies and ingredients to make food, but not convenient food that is just on hand to snack on. I was on my way to the store anyway to wrap up my out of town grocery list to make my children their meals before I leave on Thursday. Before I left, Paul and I discussed the food in the house and how it is difficult for him because he doesn't want to be a burden on me.

He proceeded to tell me that he feels guilty eating the organic naturally raised beef or chicken knowing how expensive it is and that our kids need it and he doesn't want to take it from them. He NEVER complains about a meal, but I know he doesn't enjoy them all. He always eats what is in front of him because he knows I have spent time researching it, making sure our children can eat it, shopping for it, preparing it, and then I will clean up all the dishes that I used to cook it. He continually supports me focusing on the kids and steps to the sidelines.

This evening though I realized just how much I have stopped thinking about my husband and his needs and wants in regard to food. When I was at the store this evening I realized that I haven't even put him on my radar in almost a year. For almost a year, I haven't thought about that he probably misses some of his favorite snacks and canned food. I made a choice for him by not getting it because I knew what was better for him. And in truth, that is not my choice to make for him.

After I grabbed the last few items I needed to make the meals for the kids for the weekend, I literally had to stop in the middle of the store and think, "What does Paul like to eat?" So I went to the cracker isles. Oh the cracker isle how I have missed you. I picked him up a box of Sundried tomato Wheat thins, one of his favorite with cheese and summer sausage. After that, I went and grabbed a whole stash of his favorite Campbells soup so that he had ready meals whenever he fancied them. On my way to the canned soups, I passed those pre-made pasta side dishes that you throw in a pan for five minutes and its done. He enjoys those and they were 10 for $10.

I had this flashback to my coupon days. To looking at food as a game. How much could I get for as little as possible, with some fresh fruit and veggies thrown in. As I put those 10 packets of Paul's easy side pasta into the cart I was struck with how far my ideas and opinions and knowledge of food has come and how much I left my husbands wishes or desires to the wayside for his better health and that of our kids.

What I realized is that I was choosing for it to be too complicated, (thinking about two very different diets, desire, and wishes for food) and thus never bought him any snacks that he loves or can enjoy. The man works so hard for us and I had taken away all of his joy in food.

So I have confessed that I had forgotten him, that his wishes or wants in regard to food hadn't even crossed my mind. I was so caught up in making food that was what my children needed and wanted that I didn't even think about Paul. But that will all be different now.

Paul and I sat down and made a list of items that he would like to have around the house again. Foods that are easy for him to eat and don't require a lot of attention by me. Even in the midst of forgetting him for a year, his greatest desire is to make it the easiest on me.

I am a lucky gal, the least I can do is buy the man his favorite crackers. It's funny, it doesn't sound that hard, but somehow, I just stopped thinking of him.

Truly a celebration

I am not sure if this is my story to tell, but I will share it from my perspective. Since my friend is a blogger herself, I am hoping she won't mind sharing a few of the details. If you want to check out their adoption story and to learn more about Amber's ministry, check out her blog here.

Amber was a fellow coworker of mine and friend. Her husband is also in the same band with Paul, 100 White Flags. I would actually call them a married couple on the road. Zac is Paul’s other half while they are away and vise versa. It’s good old man love.

Zac and Amber have been in the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia for three years. Three years! Three years of paperwork, waiting, paperwork, waiting, praying, waiting, paperwork, and more waiting. And that’s just after they finally decided to adopt. I am sure there was much waiting and praying before then as well. Waiting is by far one of the most challenging character building experiences. It breaks you, strengthens you, challenges what you believe and in the end, grants you hope. What a great way to gain strength and wisdom for parenthood. Adoption is such a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So you can imagine how excited we were to hear that after meeting their daughter Feven for the first time two months ago, they are able to go get her in a couple weeks. Well needless to say, along with some other friends, we couldn’t wait to celebrate with Zac and Amber! We have been waiting alongside them, and now it was time to be truly joyous and we get to see the child that was waiting for them, matched at just the right time, and witness God’s goodness and faithfulness to this family.

So we had to do a shower quickly in order to get them ready for their big trip. They had held off on getting most of the items needed for a baby because they were unsure of their child’s age and gender up until a couple months ago.

What was so wonderful about this shower was all of Amber’s friends were able to come and love on her. We could surround this wonderful couple and let them know how supported and loved they are. We could with our presence reassure them that they are not alone in this. That’s what I love about parties. It brings people together and celebration happens!

Even better, I got to try out some fun pinterest ideas and in order to make that happen, had a little crafting party the week before the shower with friends and wine and laughs and music. This was by far one of my most enjoyable parties. Most likely because so many amazing women were in attendance and second, this child was such a wonderful thing to celebrate.

Thank you Amber for allowing us to walk this journey with you and celebrate your long awaited arrival, Feven.

Enjoy the pics!


Here is Feven's mom Amber with her mother and mother-in-law. How great that both these mothers got to be here to celebrate! Truly, such a blessing.



Here is a banner I made for the shower. I believe the party should reflect the essence of the person being celebrated and Amber is very natural and organic person. I tried to pick beautiful fabrics that reflected her love for recycling and nature. I used double stick tape on the back of the triangles so she can pull them off and reuse the fabric to make gorgeous little outfits for Feven. I didn't want to ruin the fabric by sewing it. I think I see a great skirt mixed in there.

Yes, that is the recycle logo you see.


I had this idea and I couldn't wait to do it. This was the backdrop to the food table. I found all these pieces for Feven at the half off sale at our local Thrift store. I wanted to honor Amber by using our financial resources respectfully and support the other "R" Reuse. It was such a fun way to do a centerpiece in my opinion.


Browsing around Pinterest one night I saw someone post a photo of premade cocktails in mason jars. I thought it was brilliant, but because this was a baby shower, and I have kept DOZENS of baby food jars in the basement, it just made sense to make shot glass cocktails. Since the mama could drink, we decided to do the right way, Ethiopian punch and Ethiopian banger cocktails.


Just because it they look fun and it added to the festive feel. Plus, I love these colors together.



I have discovered that you can find decorating success by creating a focal point. I wanted a special centerpiece focal point for each section of the shower. The clothesline for the food, the banner for the drinks and cake, and here I made pinwheels to hang over the party favors for the guests. In my mind I was going to have included three smaller wheels to hang as well, but ran out of time. They still turned out great though didn't they? I just accordioned the paper, stapled them together, strung them with string, taped a button on the front and hung from the ceiling. They were bowing out in the middle, so I duct taped some cardboard to the back to keep them straight. I like them so much, I made rehang them in the kids room. Here's a close up. The key is to use great colored paper with patterns that work well together.


The pinwheels hung over the party favors. I wanted to find something that reflected Amber and didn't induce a sugar coma. So I found cheap natural planters and picked Basil as the herb to give to each of the ladies. Amber loves to garden and I figured, who doesn't like Basil? To round out the planter, I added a couple little jelly beans to the bottom and put in a cookie cutter.

To bless Amber and Zac and their love for recycling and homemade goodness, we painted Feven her set of alphabet blocks. Our friend cut and sanded the wood and ladies all throughout the shower could come and paint a block. I love this. It brings a touch of all who love the couple and baby and if its homemade, I am a big fan.


My mom loves making signs for all of our parties. This is my version in the party color scheme.



So there you have it. A super fun evening celebrating the arrival of our friends baby. We are excited to meet her after she comes home.

My Saturday

Today started with an amazing breakfast of scrambled eggs and green smoothie and slices of kiwi to celebrate good ol St. Patrick's day. My dear friend Rachel and her husband Lionel are in town from St. Louis for the weekend and were a little surprised to learn that I cook a dozen eggs for breakfast. They were probably a little more shocked when they witnessed my almost two year old daughter eat more eggs and mushrooms then the two of them combined.

After breakfast and a race to get dressed, Rachel, Lionel and I met with the other board members of the Haiti Mission Project. This is an organization that started about five years back when we kind of just stumbled into it. We were leading trips already to Haiti and it sort of evolved into this non profit that supports Haitians helping Haitians. That's what we do. We aren't out to build anything, start a clinic or another orphanage. We aren't on the ground in Haiti and we understand it would be foolish for us to know how to run things there. So, we visit the country multiple times a year, we listen to stories, we grow our relationships there, and then we speak out for those Haitians who are doing amazing work on the ground in Haiti and we find support for them here. I love what we do and we get to partner with amazing people down in Haiti.

One thing I love about working with this crew of people is how open, honest and nonjudgmental we all are towards each other. We have this really incredible healthy communication and common love and understanding for the country. We understand we are on the same side and the same team to get things done. We discuss our options and everyone pitches in to get things done. I get to be apart of this really incredibly beautiful relationship with these folks, and it is truly an honor. My time these last two years on the board has felt very small, and even in communicating my concern for my future with the organization and what I can give, I am met with encouragement, prayer, love and understanding. Being in that meeting today gave me renewed dedication to what we are doing.

I am excited for the projects we have on the table right now, projects that you will hear about soon, and I am most excited about our process of figuring out what our future looks like as an organization and as a board. The HMP is in a very exciting time and I am so thankful to be apart of it.

After the all day meeting, everyone piled into the car and we headed back from the east side to the west side of the cities to meet Paul and the kids for dinner. But this was not to be any ordinary dinner. Big had requested that we take his very special Godmother Rachel and Godfather Lionel to his favorite restaurant, the Chinese Buffet. Now I know what you are thinking, you have got to be kidding me! I know you are thinking it because I think it. Paul and I used to pride ourselves in finding amazing locally owned joints to eat at. However, with our diet restrictions, we don't venture much anymore. We know that at the Chinese Buffet by our house, they have a Mongolian BBQ station where Big can load up on all the shrimp and veggies he wants with no worries of oils or sauces.

So dressed in our green beads, we eat at the Chinese Buffet. I should mention that this weekend, two of my kids Godparents are in town, so this was a special night for us. And to celebrate Godparent time, our friend Tad dressed himself in a green kilt. Oh yeah, that's right, and I didn't get a picture. We were too busy starting and appreciating the kilt to take a picture.

The only time we could tear our eyes away was when we were in shock and awe at the amount of my food my children can consume. At one point, Big had an entire plate of shrimp, (ENTIRE plate mind you) and said, "Game on". My stomach hurt watching it.

We don't usually let our children eat gobs and gobs of food, but when at the Buffet, eat like its a Buffet. Plus we figure, we can't afford to give him that much shrimp, so let him eat it there!

After an amazing board meeting, a dinner I didn't have to cook or clean up after, my day just got better with the promise of a bonfire. And bonfire we did.

We pulled out the chairs, the drinks, the wood and we enjoyed a beautiful, perfect, bugless night by the fire. We had some more friends join us for the evening and enjoy the company of Rachel and Lionel and that just fed the fire for the party.

I took my friend up to the balcony to get a great look at the city skyline view from our house now that the home next door was tore down. That's when we noticed the two car loads of cops come running with guns drawn across the alley in the backyard of the home behind us. (No worries, all little people are tucked snug in their beds at this point.) Ironically we aren't really worried, just fascinated and curious to see what happens. Then we notice, what at first we thought was a man, but then later discovered was a woman comes walking down the alley and stands at the fence watching all the action. Curious right? The cops are looking for someone, and we are pretty sure they arrest someone in the front yard. We see two squad cars leave and an unmarked cop car pull away. Random he/she is still standing at the back fence watching and talking on the phone. The rest of our fun get together are sitting around the fire, laughing and has no clue what we just saw.

We stand at the balcony fascinated and curious to see what will happen next. Random he/she is spotted by a man in the yard and there is some yelling and language I don't want to repeat here being said. The he/she doesn't leave, but instead sits on the hood of the car parked in the alley just behind their home. A couple minutes later, the cops show up again and forces the she (we have decided its a she at this point)to leave. She does.

HOWEVER, immediately after that, a van pulls up, not across the alley, but across the street to our right and out pours a dozen men wearing black vests. Seriously, they are pouring out the back of the van like its a clown car. Now, I quickly glance over, and all I notice is the vests. This immediately takes me back to when my children and I were run down by the SWAT team this summer and I just witnessed all sorts of shaddy behavior in our back alley, so I think, the SWAT team has been called in.

It is at this point that we decide to let the rest of our guests in on what is happening. I did this by quietly shouting, "It's time to get in the house! The SWAT team is here after the cops with drawn weapons just left. Get in the house."

That is when my guests look across the street and inform me its a Mariachi band. I argued, totally confident that I was right and they were wrong, but after taking a closer look and finally noticing the instruments strapped to their backs, I conceded. I had no idea that a Mariachi band lived on the corner of our street, but now I do, and no one here tonight will ever let me forget that. I am the gal who called everyone in for safety because the Mariachi band came home. Seriously though, how many men can fit in that van and why don't they use the side doors like normal people.

But because we have drawn so much attention to the shady happenings going on across the alley, the whole party moved up to the balcony and it was from there that we watched the creepy lady walk back to the fence. Yes, the lady that was escorted off the property was now creeping back toward the home. I couldn't believe how entertained we all were for the next hour as we watched her creep toward the house, then run away when someone came by, until she finally after a gentleman left the home, this lady crept up to the house and went in the back door!

I considered it B and E since the cops told her to leave, so I, uh... called 911. The evening was getting interesting and I'm sure we all were in agreement that this was so much better than cable. Once the lady was inside, she locked the guy out! She has guts is all I'm saying. While the original gentleman said some choice words and was figuring out how to get back into home, we danced a little, sang a little, and told lots of funny stories. We also found out that our favorite pastor in the whole world was sick and maybe a little too high on meds to come for a visit.

Once the gentleman got his keys and let himself inside the house, there was nothing. No cops showed up, no guns fired, and no yelling. I'm not gonna lie, after waiting an hour and watching that lady creep around and then break into a house for drugs or stolen property, we aren't sure which, we kind of wanted some action.

But alas, maybe they all kissed and made up.

Probably not, since its been three hours and I just heard more yelling.

It was such a fun and random day. It started out with great clarity and looking at some focus coming into play with the HMP, to someone else making dinner, to major drama and excitement around the bonfire tonight.

It was so entertaining. But as fun as it was to watch, I am hoping that everyone in that house is OK.

It was a full night relishing our lives in the hood.

Once Paul and I had friends over years ago and we were watching Black Hawk Down. All of a sudden the lights went out, in a very pivotal moment of the movie I might add, and we saw sirens and heard yelling out our window. Turned out, the house next to our neighbors was burning down. We stood on the balcony and watched that action about 8 years ago. This is a close second.

I wasn't ready

I wasn't ready for yesterday.

It was the first beautiful day which means playing outside with neighborhood friends which meant TONS of request for outside toys which are buried behind building materials from the construction of our home this winter. So they just ran around the house over all the cement and nails and glass. Seriously.

There is a ton of small bits of debris in the yard from the construction and when you pair that with curious kids and apparently complete mental block, kids get hurt, things get broke.

Somehow yesterday, in the excitement of spring and our friends we haven't played with in months, the kids were really anxious to provide me with lots of opportunity to remind them of all the rules. ALL the rules. It was like there were magnets for doing stupid crap.

When it was dinner time and Paul and I were talking with the kids about our behavior outside and how even in our excitement, we are still Christians and should behave as such. We are still control of our selves. Because we weren't ready for this "How do we play outside and what are our rules" conversation, we just kept looking at each other like, "uh....was there something else?" It was a very moving, convincing family meeting. Five minutes later we found our kid breaking one of the rules.

(You have to understand that with the tornado last spring, everything changed here. Fences are down, houses are gone, debris was everywhere. The rules changed. The layout of their play area changed. They played different and unfortunately it meant pushing LOTS of boundaries in what is respectful and not.)

I get that in the summer we stay up a little later, but we are still in school. I also forgot that when boys play outside, they stink and they are dirty when they come inside. So in my freshly cleaned house, were three rowdy, dirty kids ready for their baths.

Oh, yea. They need to be cleaned.

Crap, I wasn't ready for this task, because now they will be even later getting to bed and not getting sleep which they so desperately need as they are still adjusting from day light savings.

I ran those kids through the bath like it was a factory for cleaning kids. Wash, rinse, lotion, PJ's, teeth.

There are dirty clothes everywhere, water everywhere, friends pounding on the door and peeking through the window still wanting to play, and my kids screaming at the top of their lungs that its time for bed.

Good grief.

Once stories were read, and prayers were said, they were all in their beds giggling and telling stories. I looked at my husband who said he was waiting for me to print our statement of completion for the bank because he just got off the phone with our contractor and the one we mailed in was blank.

Awesome.

15 minutes later, we have all of our paperwork printed, Paul is on a mission to get it signed by the other owner of the home, we can't find keys, kids are having issues with the bathroom, and monsters on the walls, (for some reason middle really hated his room last night and was plaqued all night long with nightmares. Not sure where that came from.) and my friend who has come over to hang out has now successfully washed and dried all my dishes.

It felt like constant reacting, or catching up or parenting on the fly all evening. I wasn't ready and I couldn't keep up. I was faced with making choices that I hadn't even known were questions. It was an exhausting night.

We need to figure out some boundaries for playing outside in the hood.

I need a plan.

Don't give up

We all have something that we want in life. Maybe it’s a dream, maybe it’s a lifestyle or an education, or a job, it could be a hundred different things.

In my experience, the thing that we want never seems to be easy to obtain. It takes work. It takes work to make that dream happen and it takes work to maintain it.

I have found though that when you work for it and you stand in the midst of experiencing your dream, it’s worth it. All the hours, the sacrifices, the struggles, all the work is worth it, and fuels you to keep working at it.

In my family, Paul and I both have dreams and we love pursuing them, and supporting each other in dreaming and doing what we can to make them come true. (Unavoidable life experiences happen, but when it is within your control to push forward, we do.) It takes a lot of work to make two dreamers content with life. Staying still when needed and pushing forward when able to do so. I would have said last year that it takes works to make our family happen in a healthy way. Now in our new year of dietary restrictions, school schedules, and living a dozen hours from family, it takes a LOT of work to make our life and dreams happen in a relatively healthy way.

Last year when I would prepare to be gone and speak for the weekend, I would do hours of writing prep, I would select my wardrobe, I would arrange for travel, I would pack my merchandise, I would make sure Paul had diapers, one meal already prepared, and groceries bought so he could just spend time with the kiddos. That was basically my checklist and it took me two days to make my dream come true.

I have found in our busy season that it takes me all week to prepare to leave for a weekend away. We have food items that are at certain specialty stores, so in one week it’s a stop at four different places to feed my family. On top of grocery shopping, I prepare all the meals ahead of time for my kids and then prepare snacks and small items for me to bring along so that I too can eat and not be a burden on my hosts. With adding good ole down home cooking, there is also our school schedule. We are not in activities yet, so we aren’t running around in the evenings, but school does mean packing the other kids up twice a day to take and pick up Big from school. It takes time. But it also means when I am gone, I need to arrange someone else to do the driving, and make sure there are notes to teachers, and directions for drivers, etc. The list goes on.

If we want to see our kids, that means being extra prepared so that you can prepare a little each day, play with the kids a little each day, pack a little each day, cook a little each day.

It would be a lot easier to stay home.

But staying home doesn’t make my dream come true. Doesn’t make what I believe God has gifted me with happen. Not working for it will never make my dream a reality.

It takes work to make dreams come true. It takes work to have intentional family time, to prepare devotions, to arrange your schedule to have quality time with your spouse, with your kids, and the Lord to remain healthy and balanced. It takes work when all that is said and done to say, now I push forward on making my dream happen. Now I get myself back in my kitchen to prepare food for my family so I can be gone. Now I get off the couch and workout so my body doesn’t fall apart and I feel better. After all that is said and done, now I write. Now I read. Now I paint. Now I play my instrument.

Now I make my dream happen.

After I used EVERY dish, I’m not kidding, every dish in my kitchen this past week to prepare all eight meals for the weekend for us while we were gone, I thought to myself, this is crazy. This is a lot of work. Why are doing this?

Then I watched my husband take the stage in front of 800 people. I love watching him play. He’s alive when he plays. He is at his best when he plays. He is connected to his soul more then ever when plays. I experience how different our family time is when we are away from home. The games my kids and I play together, and the fun we have because we get to come with dad once in awhile. And it’s worth it.

The work to make your dreams come true are worth it. Don’t give up. Keep pushing forward. Find the balance. Learn when to say no, but don’t give up. No one applauds the daily dirty work to make your life happen. Its what you do if you believe in your dream enough. The daily work isn’t to be praised by others, its for your own growth, your own depth of character to appreciate when the dream happens.

Don't give up.

In never giving up, most of what makes it so much work is putting God and family first. It’s making sure you still see your kids, you still laugh with your spouse, you still sit and read together at night. That you find time to snuggle and play. Those aren’t the sacrifices you make to have dreams come true. Make sure those things still happen cause you’ll never get those moments back. Fight hard to find the balance and never give up.

Side note: I know there are short cuts to not preparing every meal. We have LarBars for meals, we eat all fresh fruit and veggies for snacks, we eat scrambled eggs for dinner, or veggies and hummus. I cut my corners, but mostly we also value health, and want to make sure we never cut corners when it comes to feeding and training our kids about food.

Intentional Spiritual Time

This past summer at a musical festive in WI, my friend and speaking partner Pastor Henry Graf and I led a session on Dirty Parenting. Yea, you read that right. Dirty, as in the screw ups, the loss of control, the freakouts all teach us, mold us and help us get to our knees in prayer and invite God into the mess. It is a reminder that real life doesn’t look spiritual. Most of the time it just looks like a mess.

At least it does for me.

After one of the sessions, a woman came up to me and asked how I found time for spiritual fulfillment. I thought that was funny considering most of the time I am wondering that myself. I told her in the last few months I had found a good balance of accepting my reality with adjusting my expectations.

I told her this is what I wanted: Every morning wake up at least half an hour before the kids. Open my Bible, pray, journal, read, pray, cry, let go, be filled, be ready for the chaos.

Then I told her this happens maybe once every two weeks.

Then I told her this is what I strive for every week now.

Once a week I pray over my children after I put them to bed. We have read stories, teeth are brushed, our devotions and prayers and thankfulness to God are done. Then when our ritual is complete and everyone is tucked in, I pray. I pray out loud with my hand on the child I am praying for and I pour out my fears, my weakness, my dreams, my hopes, and my control. I lay down my expectations for my child and pray that God gives me eyes to see them for who they are. I pray for wisdom, for me and for them. I pray for their friends, their future spouse, and their relationship with their siblings and father. I pray for truth, for the men/woman of God they will become. I lay it all out there for them to hear. I let my children hear my heart for them and lay them back down before God almighty.

If nothing else, when they are in counseling when they are older confessing all the ways I screwed them up, they may hopefully remember that I tried. That I loved them enough to give them back to God every day. I tried.

Once a week my husband and I do our Managers meeting. This is spiritually fulfilling because it is prayer time with my partner. It is coming before God Almighty together, confessing together, gaining strength together, supporting each other, loving each other at the feet of God. This is hands down one of the most centering, balancing discipline I have.

Once a week I wake up early to journal, to read scripture and to pray. This is my truest form of honestly I can strive for. My journal has horrible confessions and crazy thoughts and emotions. It has questions that good Christians don’t ask anymore. It is my time to gain wisdom from scripture, lay down my sense of control and seek God’s counsel for the way I live my life.

I used to strive for five days a week waking up early, and when I couldn’t accomplish that and was struck by feelings of failure, I would eventually stop. Once a week is very doable if you are smart about the morning you choose to wake up early.

There are people out there who can accomplish devotional time every morning, and I congratulate you on your success. However, for those of you who can’t because your current life circumstances don’t allow it, I want to encourage you to find what works for you. Be creative, and find your vibe.

Once a week we do a family devotional and snuggle time. We read from Paul’s Bible and we just ask the kids questions about what we read. There aren’t any great activities and no the questions are planned, we are kind of fly by the seat of your pants people. Then after the Bible reading is done, we just hang out on bed, snuggle, giggle, tickle, laugh, snuggle, and hang out. It is a time to reconnect and push the pause button on life. It is full of love and therefore a deeply spiritual act.

This year, our family motto is to be intentional. When we discuss our priorities, humbling ourselves and subjecting ourselves to God’s authority needs to be intentional. If you aren’t intentional about your spiritual life, be aware that regular daily duties of life have a tendency to steal your spiritual life.

Creating these weekly ways of connecting your soul with its creator is our way of being intentional.

Four days a week I try to plug my soul back into my creator in an intentional way. The way I figure, four out of seven ain’t bad. I’m over half covered. The reason I have found success with this method is that each of my four days fills me in a different way and it looks different so it keeps my interested and forces different habits from me. Healthy habits with my kids, with my partner, and for myself.

Family meeting

We don't always succeed, but we try. We have gone weeks without a family meeting and have suffered the consequences. Life is so much better for us with a family meeting.

If you are anything like me I have a list of things I need to tell my husband after he comes home from work. Things that happened, things I'm thinking about, plans we need to make, schedules we need to coordinate. If your partner is anything like mine, he isn't thinking about those things. He isn't ready to hear all the things going on in my head. He needs some time to prepare for what's coming.

We had spent years trying to communicate in this way. Me trying to bring Paul up to speed as soon as he walks in the door, and him, trying his very hardest to balance work, the kids, projects, my wishes and desires, and his own plans. These weren't our finest moments. Sometimes work got accomplished, but mostly we were both just left feeling hurt, unheard, and disrespected.

That's why over a year ago we instituted our family meeting. Since the kids are a little older, we include them once a week in our schedule meeting, and Paul and I actually created the managers meeting.

Once a week, at a designated time we sit down and hash out all of our family business. Now it isn't necessarily the same day each week, sometimes it doesn't work that way. However, the week before we would have looked at our upcoming schedule and so we would have set our date for the next managers meeting.

In our managers meeting we start with prayer. This is hands down my favorite moment in our meeting. This prayer time allows us to refocus. To center ourselves, our plans, and our agenda. It forces us to put things in perspective. This time also allows me to hear what is on my husbands heart. Things that maybe he is struggling with that I didn't know about. I get a chance to hear his heart, his desires, his insecurities, his concerns, all the things he wants to lay on God's shoulders. It gives me insight into what is going on in his heart that maybe we didn't get a change to talk about because life got in the way. And the very opposite is true. He gets the chance to hear all these things from me.

Once we've prayed, we pull out our schedule and go through our week. We start with the most important items first, when can Paul and I get time and when do we spend time together as a family. Once those items are decided we look at what else is in our schedule for the week, the month ahead and on the cusp of each busy quarter, we look a few months ahead.

Then we bring out our notepad.

The notepad is where we have put the items to discuss for the entire week. This has saved so many disagreements, frustrations, and arguments. Instead of dumping my ideas on Paul right when he gets home or sporadically during the week, I have already put them on the notepad to discuss during our meeting. I can't tell you how helpful this is. When Paul and I come to the family meeting, both our minds are ready and prepared to discuss the family, the house, issues, whatever, it doesn't matter, we are both mentally present. Before, Paul wasn't ready to hear all the things I needed to discuss with him, or I wouldn't communicate it properly because I had already put so much thought into my ideas and I would only bring him into the discussion after I had already decided on a course of action. Waiting for the meeting forces me to think things through and how to communicate effectively to Paul and it allows Paul time to think about it and process whatever it is. (Please realize that we do talk during the week. Sometimes things on the notepad get talked about before the meeting, and often we talk about how we are feeling during our days, but the notepad frees us to leave it if we need, or force us to talk about issues when we haven't had time before hand. We aren't weirdos that won't talk to each other until meeting time. That's just strange.)

We can both put items on the notepad, it’s not a secret. Things that come up on the notepad have ranged from school for the kids, when are we going to clean out the garage, are we going to investigate new car insurance, what do we do about chores for the kids, Lu seems ready to potty train, how will we approach that, etc. Everything is up for grabs in these meetings. The best part is it makes us a team to discuss them together. We each can have an opinion and then we will together decide on the best course of action.

At the end of discussing the items on the notepad, we divide up the responsibilities and walk away with homework, or projects to be completed and reported back on the following week. This may seem ridiculous to you, but what is the point of discussing things that need to get done if no one is going to accomplish them. Someone has to re caulk the tub. Someone needs to get the oil changed, and so forth.

We end our meeting asking how we are doing individually and as a couple. It is a time to share with your partner what you are struggling with, excited about, or need from them.

Some may think that having a managers meeting once a week is extreme or just a recipe for a control crazed mom. But Paul and I do a lot of different things. We are land lords, home owners, he does freelance design work on top of his job, plus his band. I run the household, plus have my speaking career, so it is a lot to keep straight. We discovered that the weekly meeting respected our partner and our time. It created healthy conversation and turned us into a team that works together instead of tag teaming separately. Paul and I have noticed that by intentionally taking some of our time and setting it aside we grow closer together and more towards our goals.

Last year it was hard to be consistent with our family meeting. We were very successful at the beginning, and then a new diet hit, I was cooking all the time and then a tornado hit and we felt lost for the next couple months. We were barely holding on. Over New's years, we both said the one thing we need to make happen this year consistently is our managers meeting. We both knew we felt better about our lives, our marriage and our parenting if we did it together as a team.

So a couple months ago I told you that this was our year of being intentional and I would tell you what that looks like for us. This is step one, and the most important to us. Now we are human, so we will most likely miss a few weeks, we already have in complete honesty. But we try. We don’t want to wake up years down the road and say, “What happened? Where did the time go? Why didn’t we pay attention more? Why didn’t we try saving more? Why didn’t we talk more?” By being intentional, we want to make the most of our lives now.

Easter Candy

I'm not gonna lie, going to the grocery store last night kind of sucked. As soon as I walked in the door, there they were, lining the aisle.



Chocolate bunnies.

Chocolate eggs.

Peeps.

Jelly Beans.

Now, I have two very honest responses.

The first is my emotional memory response. I see that and I think Easter! What is Easter with a Chocolate bunny in your basket? I think about some of my favorite things to eat that only come out at Easter like Cadbury Eggs, or those malt eggs that you can lick and then put on like lipstick or facepaint. My cousins and I had hours of entertainment with that one at Easter growing up. My grandma used to put together an Easter tray instead of an Easter basket. That means she would purchase one bag of EVERY kind of Easter candy and pour it out on her largest platter dressed with green grass. And in the midst of that sugar coma stood the priced treat. Standing guard over all the small treats towered the Easter bunny. The whole day was spent visiting the Easter platter and picking out your favorite treats. But you had to get their early, cause everyone liked the same things, and usually the last candy left was jellybeans. I LOVED this tradition growing up.

I stood there for a second staring at the candy aisles and I thought, oh man this is our first joy free Easter. I made Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas work, but how in the name of all that is good can I recreate a bunny? My gut told me Easter was ruined and my children would live in want and feeling jipped forever every time Easter came around. I was sad and a little depressed.

Now I know that we have been living joy free for awhile, and the cravings are getting smaller, but I haven't suffered memory loss. Just because I don't crave a chocolate bunny and the other part of my mind understand how bad it is for you, I still remember how good they taste. I still remember the joy of biting into a cadbury egg and how absolutely delightful it felt to have yummy chocolate and liquid goodness melt in my mouth. Those memories ring in loud and clear when I walk the aisles of the store.

This too must be mourned.

The other part of Easter I remember is how I ended up eating half of my kids Easter candy. I remember going to the grocery store for our weekly list, but always sneaking a bag of my favorite candy to munch on while no one was looking. I remember the more candy I ate, the more I craved. I remember feeling a slave to the sugar. I remember feeling gross after eating so much candy and chocolate. I remember the countless Easters that I didn't fit in my dress because of my addiction. I remember starting to hate Easter. I remember fearing it because I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I remember guilt. Constant guilt and disappointment in myself for not being stronger. I remember needing to start over. Everyday saying, "tomorrow will be better."

So as I had my moment of mourning, I realized I was thankful, grateful and excited too. For all the things that will be missed, there are greater ideals and principles that can be embraced . On top of all my personal baggage with food I remember the gift I am giving my children as well. The gift of health. The gift of an Easter not based on the chocolate bunny. The gift of the real meaning of Easter.

So what will Easter look like for us?

Dying Easter eggs and going on an egg hunt.

Every year on Saturday before Easter morning we do an evening devotion where we are mixing together a special cookie that sits in the oven overnight. It is a hands on activity that incorporates all aspects of the Easter story and then the kids have a treat to eat the next day. I will have to do a run through to make sure we can make it allergen free.

Easter morning means a special breakfast of fruit filled crepes and fancy Easter clothes to be worn at church. It means coming home to an egg hunt and finding Easter baskets with a couple small allergen free candies, stickers, a new book and maybe a new drawing pad. Nothing more. It means sitting down as a family and enjoying our Easter dinner. It means taking a walk together. It means doing a family devotion with family snuggle time. It means togetherness remembering the gift of life we have thanks to the sacrifice of our savior and healer The Messiah.

No Easter candy tray with the protective Easter bunny keeping watch. No sugar induced melt downs. No fights on what candy we didn't want and did want. No hoarding candy or secret eating. No extra pounds and sluggish behavior.

Easter this year will be healthier and hopefully happier than years previous.

I may need to send Paul to the grocery store though for the next month. This maybe my hardest challenge yet. I do love Easter candy.

ND Leadership retreat

I love doing event ministry. Even more than participating in retreats, I love hanging out with teenagers.

This past weekend, was even more special for me.

More than a year ago, the ND District asked me to come and be their first female Keynote speaker and I was already speaking somewhere else, but they were patient and asked again this year. I was so happy it worked out because I haven't been to ND in quite some time, and I love that students who saw me at the National Youth Gathering wanted me to come to their local event. It is the highest compliment paid to a speaker.

Another highlight for me this past weekend was that the leadership team for this event hired Paul to do the music for the weekend. Working with Paul and doing ministry together with him is probably one of my favorite things to do. I have so much respect for his musical ability, his relational ministry and his talent for quick wit from the stage. He is so fantastic! We haven't done an event together in years, and that used to be with his band. Its hard to both be gone for the weekend with kids when we don't have family here to watch them. This was the first time we worked together at an event, just the two of us. Dear friends of ours took the kids for the whole weekend and allowed this rare and special gift. It was amazing!

This weekend was different than other retreats I usually speak at, but it made it more interesting and challenging. When I am asked to be a keynote, the theme is usually different, but the outline looks very similar. I typically present four keynote messages generally for 20-30min at a time starting on Friday night and ending Sunday morning. This past weekend, I had the challenge of presenting two 60min presentations and one 90min session. It was a great challenge and I loved because it forces me to rethink my messages. It challenges me to go deeper, push further and incorporate elements into my talks that I don't usually have time for.

My first session spoke to a topic close to my heart which is identity. Challenging students to rethink where they get their identity and then go even further and challenge how they see God. Living in a place of basing our faith understanding on false identity for ourselves and God can lead to a life of fruitless searching.

For the second hour we discussed expectations. The expectations we place on God, others and ourselves.

It was easy to present for 90min when the topic was mission and outreach. Where identity is close to my heart, talking about an organic, natural way of living out our faith in mission is my heart. It was exciting to have so much time to really dig into this on a local, national and global scale.

In between sessions, I had the joy and privilege of hanging out with the high school students. This is hands down my favorite part of any retreat. I love hearing students stories, I love hearing what God is doing in their life despite hardships and how they want to participate in making the world a better place. They allow me to see their hearts and it is such an honor to invited into their lives for even just a small moment in time.

The ND district youth team put together a fabulous Leadership training event. They incorporated student led sessions, keynote sessions and great music. It was an intense weekend, but so worth the drive.

Well done! It was a joy and honor to work with you all and I pray I have the privileged to do it again some day.

Devotional Expectations

Expectations give hope to our ability to control.

It can be anytime of day, the outcome is usually the same. It’s me, the Bible and my journal if it’s a good day. I sit there on my comfortable reading chair, with a blanket halfheartedly thrown over my lap. I have a candle lit at times, a small lamp glowing next me, and there’s….what? Hope? Excitement? Fear? Anticipation?

Expectation.

There is always expectation in my devotional life. Expecting God to show up. Expecting myself to show up. Waiting to see what incredible insight God has for me this day. What will I see in scripture that I have never noticed before? Today I know he will give me the answers I have been seeking for so long. This will be the time when I can finally, for once and for all lay down my fear and control. After waiting all these years, I know that this will be the time where God chooses to speak to me. I will be filled with truth, and knowledge and peace. This is why we show up to devotions right? You hear people say, “Today in my quiet time, God revealed to me…..” (Fill in the blank). Where is that for me? Why does Scripture still not make sense? What do I do with the pieces of Scripture that I don’t understand? What do I do about the situations in my life where I can’t seem to get it under control? If I keep showing up, won’t something happen? Won’t I get my answers?

I come to my devotional filled with Hope. I come wanting. I come expecting.

Unfortunately with expectation usually comes disappointment. When we place our own ideas into the present moment, we are trying to control it. When we are trying to control what is happening, we aren’t allowing our Spirit or heart to accept what really is. We steal our opportunity to be open and see what will happen when we try to control with our expectations what we want.

In life there are healthy expectations, unrealistic expectations, and low expectations. I am speaking directly to the unhealthy expectations and baggage we bring to the table in regards to our devotional life. For me, when I come to devotions I am usually burdened, heavy, selfish, distracted, wanting, hopeful, tired, and ready to be filled. Ready to be strengthened, to release all that I am carrying and set my heart on the cross once again. I am a firm believer that whenever you are putting the word of God into your heart and mind, or you pray and speak with God Almighty, you are being strengthened. You do point your heart in the right direction. It just isn’t earth shattering or revolutionary every time.

It’s hard sometimes when I go and speak at youth conferences and adult retreats. They hear me relate stories and experiences of times that God has really revealed himself to me in my devotional or prayer time. They were life changing moments where he revealed sin and asked for repentance. They are the moments that change the way you live and understand grace. But those are only a handful of moments compared to the hundreds of times I’ve shown up. I have nothing to say to the devotions where I read three Psalms, prayed and then go about my day. Sometimes I don’t remember the Psalms by the end of the day, and I need God’s mercy even more by evening than I did that morning. Nothing soul changing happened that day.

But in our conversations with other believers we hear of the times, the moments where we really heard God speak into our life. For me it sets this expectation that those moments happen every time. That I must be doing something wrong if it isn’t. That I can control the depth, the wisdom and intensity of my devotional life. Do it earlier, light a candle, pray harder, read the passage again because I didn’t get anything from it. Please God show up because I have to get going to work!

Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t why more people give up on a devotional life. They show up a few times and nothing magnificent happens and so after a few days or weeks, they just stop. Their expectation hasn’t been met. They don’t have a “God revealed this to me today…” story to share or cling to and so it feels empty and they walk away.

I have a friend who started to practice the discipline of just “showing up”. That was it. Just. Show. Up. When you just show up, there is no expectation. She wanted to create the habit of showing up. To form the routine and understanding that just showing is critical to the souls survival. And even though, if you keep showing up, something will happen at some point, that is not expected. The practice, the devotion is just showing up.

I think of my husband and I. We don’t have an evening filled with romance or deep conversation every time we hang out. I don’t learn something new about him every time we hang out. Some times we are just there, sharing space, breathing the same air, being in each others presence. It’s good, I like him. But there are times when I walk away from our time sharing the same space neither feeling more loved or less loved. I virtually feel the same. I think the same can be said for devotional time.

So here is my encouragement if you want it. There is no right or wrong way to have a devotional life. Just show up. Every time you train yourself to show up, you strengthen the discipline inside you. And when you show up and you pray and read scripture, you are encouraging your faith. You never come away unaffected. You will always come away having spent time with God. Being in the presence of God is good for everyone. Lay your expectations down. Get rid of them. Be present in the moment and just let it be what it is. Let God do what he is going to do. Don’t try to control it. Trust God to teach you and guide you and strengthen you as he knows best. Don’t give up. Just keep showing up.

Love

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love does not envy.

Love does not boast.

Love is not proud.

Love is not rude.

Love is not self-seeking.

Love is not easily angered.

Loves keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil.

Love always protects.

Love always trusts.

Loves always hopes.

Love always perseveres.

GOD IS LOVE.

God is faithful to me.

God is patience with my weakness.

God is persistent in his pursuit of me.

God is gentle in his teaching me.

God is constant in his loving me.

God only know how to give agape love.

God is strong in leading me with his hand.

God does not compromise.

God pours out his blessings in love.

God uses his people to love me.

God speaks truth to me in his Word.

God sees me. Really sees me and my manipulation, my scheming, my pride, my judgements, my compromises, my weakness, my faults, my shortcomings, my vanity, my insecurity, my sin, my struggle. He loves me anyway. He loves me because. He loves me besides. He poured in his goodness and kindness and love and forgiveness and mercy and compassion and watches how all of his loves starts to overshadow everything else. It changes everything else and gives it a purpose for knowing his love more.

The only good in me is the good he poured in me.

The only love I have to give has come from him.

Today I celebrate and remember that even when my husband, my parents, my children, my friends, my family, my church fail me, (as they all do because they are human), I live in God's love. I live in a love that transforms me. I live in a love that has set me free from so many struggles. I live with a love that wants to be with me. I live with a love that challenges me and helps me.

I want to love others that way.

I want to give love with abandon.

I believe that when people are loved, we live different. We love more. We judge less. We listen with our hearts and speak with wisdom.

I want to love others so much they see that God has loved them always.

I want to love others in way that they don't feel judged, but cherished, and seen, and heard.

I want to love others the way God has loved me.

I want to love people right here in my little world of my neighborhood.

I want to love the people that are hard for me to love.

I want to love the people that scare me a little.

I want to love the people that I have already given up hope for.

I want to teach my child to love the bully at school.

I want my life to celebrate and reflect the love that has changed me.

If today is only about having or not having a partner, then we are missing the better picture.

Happy day to you. You are loved.


Funny side note: I just pulled out my Bible to make sure I had the love chapter right (1 Cor. 13:4-7) and I said, "Little, I need my Bible."
Little - Why? (hers and every other two year olds favorite question)
Me - Because this is our love story.
Little - OK
Me - This is where God teaches and reminds us that he loves us deeply.
Little - Ohhhh...OK
Me - This is God's word and it will help you whenever you need it.
Little - OK. Bible. OK. Story. OK. Wuv. OK.

Heh...I love that girl in her batman PJ's and snotty nose and ratted hair and black eye.

Treehouse

I got to speak at Treehouse tonight. Its a ministry where kids who are often forgotten have a place to go and be seen. To be encouraged and supported and learn about the God who loves them.

I have spoken there twice now and it continues to be an honor.

Tonight I talked about King David and King Josiah. The two greatest kings to be in the Bible, (except of course for our Lord, I wouldn't forget him). What makes these two men so great? Simply... their heart.

David was claimed, he was anointed and chosen by God. All other kings were measured by David. David was passionately in love with the Lord and was dedicated to honoring him. Christ was even called, "The son of David." In his love and devotion to God, even David committed multiple sins. And not just sins of passion, he was plotting and scheming and planning. He had time to rethink and stop his actions, but he didn't. Even while being claimed by God, David sinned greatly. And when he was called out on his indiscretions, he didn't run from it or try to explain it away, or even blame it on someone else. (That seems to be man's MO if you ask me. Or my children. They love blaming someone else for what they did wrong.) David was convicted of his sin and instead of running away, he ran towards God. He claimed forgiveness. He clung to God's mercy. His heart was longing after God.

It wasn't David's accomplishments that made him great, it was his heart for the Lord. Even in sin, he sought God. He didn't allow Satan to use guilt to keep him away. Guilt is powerful for me. It is often the greatest tool to keep me from forgiveness or even a fulfilling faith journey. Guilt allows us to believe that what we have done, or the promises broken are the last straw. That you have reached God's limit. You aren't worthy of what is freely offered to others. Guilt makes you believe Love is not for you. Guilt paralyzes your heart.

King Josiah didn't have guilt, but he had excuses. Scripture says that Josiah's dad did every kind of evil in the eyes of the Lord. Think about evil. Neglect. Abuse. Adultery. Theft. Scheming. Murder. Lies. Hate. Pornography. Anger. Blame. Jealousy. Manipulation. This was his role model. This was the man who was supposed to teach him all about life and love and trust. Josiah became king at age eight, and he walked in the ways of his father David, doing right in the eyes of the Lord.

Josiah had all sorts of excuses to not trust God. He had excuses for living life in outright sin, and yet he didn't. He chose God. He chose love. He chose life. His heart was striving for God.

Joshua 24:15 says that, "Even when serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, choose this day whom you will serve." Even when we don't feel like it, we have a choice. Yes, guilt and excuses are great crutches, but is that what we want? Doesn't God have more for us?

I think of these kids at Treehouse. What is like to live their life and sit there listening to a gal talk about how God is there for you. That we all make mistakes, but its not about that, its what we do after. Do we run from God or towards him? We all have excuses, but God wants more for us. I can lean on God's strength to trust him and give him my heart.

How do you choose that when your parents never notice you and you feel alone?
How do you choose that when your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex and you don't want to, but you love him so much and don't want to loose him?
How do you choose that when you want someone to ask you to hang out over the weekend and you've been waiting for a friend. You know God is there, but you want a friend to hang out with.
How do you choose that when your parents expect perfect grades and you can't handle the pressure?
How do you choose that when life seems so much easier with the edge taken off by ____insert drug name here.
How do you choose that when you know you have to stop hanging out with your friends because you aren't strong enough to say no to them, and you aren't proud of who you are when you are with them?
How do you choose that when the pain you inflict of the cut on your arm or leg actually gives you release and prayer doesn't?
How do you choose that when taking the diet pills makes you feel like you have some sort of control in your life and you are afraid all the time of what people think of you?
When you feel alone.
When you feel unloved.
When you feel unseen.
When you feel scared.
When you feel torn.
When you feel weak.
When you feel lost.
When you feel guilty.
When you feel depressed.
When you feel ashamed.
When you feel afraid.

How do you choose God in those moments of weakness?

It can't be easy being a teenager without a faith support system at home. When you feel alone in your relationship with God.

I ask that you please keep these students in your prayers. For all the hard things they face everyday and the people who hurt them or neglect them. For all the kids who don't even have Treehouse as a refuge. Pray for them. Pray hard for strength and conviction and courage. Pray that they know they are loved.

Lover or liar

I still catch myself.

Paul looks at me and says with the utmost sincerity, "You are beautiful. You are the most stunning woman I know."

I immediately think, “You have got to be kidding me.” I am in sweats, (my usual superhero wear), I haven’t showered in days, (which is not abnormal for me), I haven’t worked out in months, (literally, no excateration here), and I am make up free revealing my new wrinkles around the eyes and forehead and dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep.

My immediate response reveals that I either,

a.) think my husband is a liar and thus I can’t hold what he says as truth.
b.) He is a manipulator and he is only saying these things to get something from me.

Neither of these options paint him a loving, generous way. Neither of these options give him the benefit of the doubt of actually meaning what he says. They are demeaning and strip him of an honorable character which then effects the way I see him the rest of the time as well.

I remembering having this first thought when I was in a Bible Study last year, and all the women in the group were having the same response when this issue was brought up. Their husband would call them beautiful and their response was to shrug it off as untrue. I never saw it in myself, but I recognized it immediately coming from them, which then of course revealed to me what I do to Paul every day.

I would have to think the worst of my husband to call him a liar and manipulator. I know he is neither of those things, and yet, why would he say those things awful, awful things to me? (Irony here.)

So the problem must lie with me. (It usually does if I am being honest. Log out of your own eye first right my friends?)

He looks at me and says you’re beautiful. My first response is to rack up my physical qualities that always fall short. I am disappointed that this is true. For all my talk and belief that beauty truly does come from within, my response reveals that there is a piece missing here for me in my own life. Beauty still somehow qualifies as outward adornment or lack there of. This is why he must be lying to me right? “Look at the outside of me” I scream in my head! “I am a mess! Why do you say such things! You are supposed to be my person of truth. The one I can count on. The one to be honest with me. Why are you lying to me!”

So I asked him one time. “Why do you always say that to me when I look my worst? It is hard to believe you.” His response?

“I see how you love our kids. I see how hard you work to take care of them and me. I see your passion for the Lord and teaching that to youth. When I see you I don’t see a mom, I see the woman I fell in love with. I see your smile. I see your laugh. I see your compassion. I see your dedication. I see the woman I love and I think you are beautiful.”

Then my response is, “Oh crap. Why does he always have to be so nice when I’m so shallow?” It sure is a nice way to be put in your place.

He sees inner beauty. He sees the stuff I’m made of, not the stuff I make up.

And the thing is, that is the way I see him. I mean my husband is a really handsome man and it’s hard sometimes to look past his outer beauty because he is a beauty, but I do see his dedication to our family, his unfailing love, his humor, his passion and love for new things and the way he loves our kids among countless other things. I have to believe that if that is the way I see him, I understand that this is what he sees when he looks at me.

So now I have a choice. Do I believe him when he calls me beautiful or is he still a liar?

I still catch myself sometimes. He says it, and I start the list. Then I stop.

My husband sees me. He sees me. And he thinks I’m beautiful.

I choose to write this tonight because I want to encourage myself as well as you that if you have someone in your life that loves to encourage you in this way, you have a choice. You can believe them or you can believe the worst of them. It is a good challenging reminder of real beauty. Of what beauty is constructed of. Of the good and Godly things in us that pour forth from the inside to transform the outside. The outside doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. That will waste away or be taken away.

Real beauty. May it transform you and your relationships.


Here is a look at real beauty. (just for fun)

Daily strength

This may sound very basic to you, but for me, I was recently convicted about modeling daily devotion time to our kids.

Now I get it, I really do. We are all really busy, there are always things to do, blah, blah, blah. In my book that excuse is only getting me so far these days. I have realized more and more than we are in control of what we say yes to and how we design the lives that we are given. We have a choice to slow down. We have a choice to choose TV or reading or cleaning or painting or shopping or whatever. Outside of work, which we still have some choice in, we choose how to spend our free time. We have to say yes or no to commitments, activities, get together, etc. So in my book, there is time, if you make it, to read a few verses in scripture everyday.

We all agree that food fuels our bodies. We can't survive without the daily, or more specifically hourly input to keep us going, to keep us healthy and functioning.

As believers we understand that same truth to be said for our soul. We understand that without nourishment, we drown. Without refuel, our soul becomes weak. We need the constant reconnection, the constant reminder of God's unfailing love and kindness towards mankind. I would dare say that our own life demands this rekindling if it is to survive.

So why is it that we let this fall to the wayside? Why is it that this is the piece that we can't find time for? God had been challenging my heart in regard to this, but then my deeper conviction was clear as day.

How are my children going to know that daily nourishment is critical to their faith survival? I remember being in High School and all of a sudden I was old enough to be taught that this was important.

Well, if brushing your teeth are so important that we learn that from infancy, then why aren't we taught to teach our children this?

When this question hit me, I had no answer for it. I had no excuses for it. I had been praying to God to show me how to raise our kids to love him with their whole heart. I had been praying for wisdom in how to teach his word in a way they won't want to reject. This is one of the things that came to me and I had no reason with which to argue.

So if it is important to feed our soul as much as our body for not just survival but also to thrive, then how do I do that?

Well for us right now, it means we instituted "Feed your body, feed your soul" in the morning over breakfast. I didn't take a lot of time to create this name, it just kind of came to me when I was describing this to the kids.

We as a family discussed what the word of God is, how God gave it to us to read and be encouraged and find instruction in how to live our life. How it brings hope and healing when we are sad and lonely, and it teaches us how to love others. It is necessary to read the Bible to strengthen our faith, our soul.

Thus started, "Feed your body, feed your soul."

We basically pull our Bible during breakfast to read a few verses that can sit in our heart and on our brain for the day. The fact that we are eating and feeding our body is a convenient reminder to feed our soul.

Now you must know that this is NOT a planned Devotion, we have another scheduled time for that as a family. This is not a very deep and spiritual time. We don't have question and answer time, and we don't figure out a way to solve world peace. I have small children. I'm just trying to get them to hear three words I say most of the time. The important thing I am trying to pass along is

1. yes the word of God. I believe it is alive and active and when my children hear it, they are fed.

2. even more than that, we are trying to pass along a habit, a way of life, a discipline in creating a healthy faith life. I am confident they are not listening everyday, but what I also know is that when they are helping set the table, they also bring the Bible. It's already sticking. My prayer is that this will continue for them into the teenage years and long into adulthood. I want them to ask, "Have I fed my body today? Have I fed my soul today?"

We don't really have a plan right now. We started with the sermon on the mount. That seemed like a great place to start. Big suggested we start at the beginning and just read the whole thing, like we did with their kid Bible. I giggled a little cause I thought, I have always wanted to read through the whole Bible, so I guess this is how that could happen, except it will take four years to do a few verses at a time.

This is was one way that Paul and I wanted to practice our intentional living lifestyle as parents.

Assumptions and Expectations

Sometimes it's like living in the dark and difficult all the time for me. I am amazed at how many assumptions and expectations I live under. They change my perspective. They limit me in my understanding and leave me with a pallet for judgements. They leave me angry, disappointed and lost. They steal joy from me.

My husband and I had a wonderful conversation last night. It was a conversation steeped in real thoughts and matters of the heart. I will confess, we don't have those conversations all the time. We often are just trying to keep life rolling without rolling over us. So this was wonderful.

It was also one of those conversations that bring up all sorts of thoughts you've been having, or questions you want to ask, but you don't. You don't ask them because your in the middle of life, dinner, routine, schedules or a disagreement, or hard conversation, or like us, we just call it a plain fight. I am notorious for starting a disagreement and eventually working in five other issues I'm having with my husband or our life that have nothing to do with what we originally were talking about.

In my experience, this is the worst, most irresponsible and immature way to discuss problems you are having. Generally you stay on task on the issue at hand. If there are other issues, bring them up once the first is resolved. I also like to try to bring up items to discuss when we aren't upset with one another. I have found that we listen to each other better, and then it truly isn't a fight, but a real conversation.

Back on track. Last night we were talking about the new habit that we are forming with the kiddo's. It's called Feed your body, feed your soul. I'll write about that tomorrow. But we started to discuss it. I of course am looking at it as a way of teaching or modeling to our children what it means to bring the word of God into your daily life. Paul supports and agrees with that, but casually made the comment of forcing it, like a religion, that the kids want to rebel against.

This innocent comment of course brings up both of our histories and responses to the faith. Paul and I were both brought up in the faith, going to church on Sunday, confirmation, volunteering, youth group, Captive Free, prayer before supper, Christian music, you name it. However, I tried very hard for a couple years to find my own way. To reject or disengage with religion, while still trying to look the part just in case I needed to fall back on it. It was a confusing and a hard time for me. Christ and God's love for me didn't become really something that I started to understand till after High School. My husband on the other hand embraced it easily and lived up to the name Christian. Being good and honorable seems much easier for him, almost automatic. (Still to this day, right choices are easier for him. I still struggle and have to fight to do the right thing.)

So here we are two different people, coming from what seems like similar backgrounds responding very differently to grace and trying to raise children to love and embrace God. We started talking about how I live out my faith (emotionally, publicly, vocally, almost demanding). Then there is how Paul lives out his faith (quietly, internally, intellectually, automatically). I'm still not sure all these words are totally right, because this is what our conversation was based around.

I have for the last few years looked and watched Paul's faith and found him at fault. Found him lacking. I can say that now because I have confessed that to him and to the Lord and have been forgiven. I have judged his process and his rhythms and it is very unfair. I have projected my assumptions of what active faith looks like (meaning it should look a lot like mine) and because it doesn't, I have found him lacking. I was so convicted of this last night, not even realizing that that's exactly what I had done. I wanted him to say certain things to the kids to encourage their faith, and he didn't say it so I was disappointed. He wouldn't do prayer time the way I would, so I was frustrated. The list could go on, but for the sake of saving a little of my integrity, I'll stop.

We discussed internal faith vs quiet faith. Vocal vs external. And we discussed a lot about assumptions. We discussed how when faith can be just automatic than others don't understand your motivation of why you do what you do. We discussed the importance of still vocalizing our reasons behind the madness.

And then we discussed a lot about modeling behavior. That blog will come in the next week.

I assumed a lot of wrong things about my husbands faith and the way he interacts with the kids, his reasons for his behavior and the way he lived out his faith. He also assumed things about my faith and the reasons behind why I do what I do and the way I interact with the kids.

I knew expectations could be the hammer to destroy a foundation in a relationship, but what I got blindsided by was assumptions. Assuming you know what you don't.

The only way to get through assuming is to ask questions and have conversations.

They may be hard, but completely worth it. And most likely, you tackle the first one, it will reveal many more.

Intentional

This is the slogan in our house this year. We want to live under this banner and see how it changes our lives.

On New Years Eve Paul and I like to go through our calendar and review the year. We relive memories and share our hearts and thoughts on the things that happened. Then we look at the new calendar and make plans. We set goals that feel slightly achievable and that won't make us feel like crap if we don't meet them. We see what we did that we want to change and what we want to keep.

Paul and I noticed only one thing from this past year.

It was CRAZY!!!

Last winter at this time we were dealing with a baby and a child whose body was being poisoned and he didn't know how to live with it, all the while trying to homeschool and research schools for the next year. We were having multiple daily meltdowns, me specifically, and calling mom and crying at least twice a day, me again. I try to tell people what a mess I am, but so many don't seem to believe me. Just spend more than three days with me, and you'll discover all my hidden faults and weaknesses.

After months of chaotic crazy yelling, fighting, pushing, timeouts, spankings, stress, guilt, apologies, forgiveness and crying, crying, and more crying along with guilt, we got Big tested and discovered our life changer, Leaky gut and food sensitivities. So we changed our diet, then a tornado hit our house and our lives haven't been the same since. We had Big tested a couple more times since the initial blood test and we have then discovered more food sensitivities, chemical in balance and inability to naturally detox.

With the way life was happening, Paul and I keep talking about being intentional. Call it planning, proactive, big picture living, whatever. We call it intentional. We have made plans and ideas and schedules to help us live intentionally.

When we are intentional our lives thrive and relationships deepen. When Paul and I are intentional about our time together, planning for our family, spiritual preparation and execution, we experience real peace. We experience a richness in our lives that comes from setting time aside to prepare for life.

On New Year’s eve, Paul and I made lots of lists. We made schedules and dreams and plans. Our goal is not to fail, nor to feel guilty when things aren’t accomplished, but instead, we want a road map so we know where we are going. We are exhausted of being exhausted and making it up as we go along and always, always being 10 steps behind. We have been living in survival mode for more than a year and its time to start slowing down and digging in to make the most of our lives.

For instance, Paul and I picked one life project to accomplish each month. January was tax and file organization. It’s Feb. 1 and my files are 40% organized and I haven’t touched my tax stuff. But I did organize the kids toys, which is Feb. project. So, I won’t have guilt, I am on a road to success and I promise to have patience with myself.

I will share some of the other fun intentional things that Paul and I have planned in my next few posts, so stay tuned. But in the mean time, I hope you will have time to be patient with yourself as you find ways to be intentional in the way you do life. Find peace, and joy and happiness and faith in the preparation.

Simplicity

Two beds
One Bathroom
Five plates
Five bowls
Five sets of silverware
Five glasses
One fry pan
Two sauce pans
One coat per person
One drawer of clothes per person
One weeks worth of food and no more
One deck of cards
One box of crayons
One box of markers
Old scrap paper and one coloring book
One backpack of toys for three kids to share
Six books

Simplicity.

At home we have multiples of everything it seems. Plates and cups and bowls galore. To eat on, to play with, or to serve with in case 30 people show up. We have a whole drawer of crayons, pencils, markers, and paint. A WHOLE DRAWER! (I could do a lot with that drawer.) We have a dress coat, a ski coat, a spring coat, a green coat, a jean jacket. I have three pairs of mittens and hats per kid in case we have friends who need them, or we loose a pair. We have snow boots, rain boots, and dress boots. We have two pantries of food. And our house isn't even that big. We have toys and books galore. We have clothes in access. We have shelves of movies we never watch. We are storing furniture we never use.

It takes me ten minutes to clean our hotel room because it isn't littered in stuff. I don't have anything to organize because all of our simple things have a place to be.

I can't believe how free I have felt this week. I have had extra time to read to my kids. To talk to my husband. To color. To write. To read for myself. To invest in the people in my life and myself. I have experienced what it feels like to not be burdened down with stuff.

We drove to our house today to drop a load of laundry off. Sitting outside waiting for Paul, I could feel my anxiety rise. I look at that house and I see projects for all my stuff. Cleaning my stuff. Organizing my stuff. Filing my stuff. Purging my stuff. Putting my stuff away. Washing our stuff. Picking up our stuff. Labeling our stuff.

SO MUCH STUFF!

We need so little to live. We need so little to be happy. We need even less to have thriving, healthy relationships.

I feel like I purge our home twice a year and I am always amazed at how much I get rid of. And now, after this week and the experience of the freedom of stuff, I can't wait to go home and purge even more.

I have stuff cluttering my life. I have stuff cluttering my brain. I have stuff cluttering my heart. I have stuff cluttering my time. I have stuff cluttering my relationships.

I want less.

I want simple.

I want more life.

I want less stuff.

But I want to keep the maid.

And the free coffee.

And the free wine.

Can I do that?

True honesty in humlity

I try hard to be honest, to not mislead or misrepresent myself .

I would compulsively lie in High School. I watched it damage my relationship with my parents, friends, co workers, and teammates. I hurt people and scarred myself for life. For years it took an active choice on my part not to lie.

To lie all the time, you have to be constantly aware of the stories you are telling people. It takes up all your brain power and energy to keep all your stories straight. Lying is exhausting. And in the process, you loose yourself.

I hated living like that.

That is why honesty is so important to me now. I don't like to hide things and most of the time I will say what is on my mind. I also never want to appear as something other than what I really am. (I hate the idea that some could look at my facebook photos and think my little family has it all together. Shocker: WE DON'T!!! We are a mess, truly.) I want to be real and transparent. I want people to know they can believe the words that come out of my mouth. I want to be honest. I want to live in truth.

But I am terrible at being honest to myself or about myself.

I have found that as honest as I can be with others, I deeply struggle with being honest with myself about myself. Even more specifically, if being honest paints me in a good light, I really struggle with that.

I was reading the Momastery blog the other day. It is a great sight and was wonderful getting to know the woman behind the blog. As I was reading her story, I was struck that she could say great things about herself when describing herself to us, the reader.

When I found that odd, I realized that if someone asked me to describe myself, I'm not sure how many good qualities I could list. What I would say is, "I am a mess. I'm too lazy to get up early and get dressed most days, I am addicted to TV, I am controlling, I am a secret eater, I don't manage time well, I am an overachiever, I loose good people and friendships in life, I'm too harsh on my kids, I am unbalanced, I'm too hard on myself, I am a perfectionist, I procrastinate, I am forgetful, I don't know contentment, I am a binge spender, I don't do life well, I don't trust God very well, I am a control freak, I live in fear, I don't know AGAPE love. I am a mess."

I see this list and I agree with everything I wrote. You may not or you may excuse some of the things I wrote, but the bottom line is I believe these things about myself. The sad realization is there isn't one good thing on here. It isn't even on my radar to think of something positive about myself, and if I do then it just feels wrong. Saying that feels even worse. Knowing our positive qualities and acknowledging the good in us is a healthy self-esteem.

What's funny is if I was going to list some of my better qualities, I couldn't do it in a concrete way. Sometimes I am thoughtful. I can be patient. I am loyal to friends who live close. I am fun to be with short term.

It's tough and frustrating to know that I have a much unhealthier self awareness than I realize. I thought I was pretty confident and self aware, but I didn't realize that I don't have a very high opinion of myself. I don't say that to beg or illicit compliments, I just wonder if this is true for others.

I wonder if our effort to be humble, we depreciate our value.
In our effort to think of others as better than ourselves, we emotionally sabotage ourselves.

My weakness and shortcomings are apart of me. But that doesn't mean that God doesn't work good in me also. By not acknowledging the strengths, I am discounting the progress God has made in my life. The things he has done through me. The characteristics I want to pass along to my children.

We all possess good and bad. Strength and weakness.

Why is so hard to stand strong in our strengths? By admitting to my strengths does that mean I am then conceited? I think too much of myself? I am now better than others?

I think that is only true if we separate our strengths from our weakness. If we look only to our weakness, then we have an healthy low self-esteem. If we look only to our strengths than we have an unhealthy high self-esteem. When we can see the good, the bad, the ugly, the grace, the strength, the weakness, and Christ in the middle of it all, we are humble. We are humble because we realize for all the weakness, he is there. For all our strength, he is the source.

I wasn't expecting to read Momastery and have this reaction. Clearly I have some work to do in my prayer time this week. I need a healthier self-awareness.

I heard someone say one time it isn't self-esteem, its God-esteem.

I like that.

Downtown Scavenger Hunt

The Tietjen's are staying down this week due to the final repairs being done in our home from the Tornado almost nine months ago. It was a lot of work to find a hotel that provided a full kitchen, two rooms and was close to school and work, which are both downtown. We lucked out and are staying at the Depot.

Once here we discovered that the pool is only open on the weekends. This was a bit of a shock to me and my plans of spending all of our free time in the pool. My kids have Friday off of school, so I thought, what am I going to do with them during the day stuck in a hotel room?

Well, the pool opens in the afternoon, so that left the morning. Paul works downtown, just a few blocks away, so I decided to take the kids on a downtown adventure. Before we got going, I grabbed a piece of paper and drew 12 empty boxes, then I filled in each square with something they had to find on our walk. If we found all 12 things, we got 15 extra minutes at the water park. I tried to think of things that would be easy to spot, but not all once. I included a tree, someone riding a bike, the river, a sculpture, a bookstore, someone using their manners, someone drinking coffee, etc. Random stuff like that.

So I gathered the kids around then brought out my Bible and shared with them what I had read in my devotion yesterday morning. It was Philippians 2:14, "Do everything without complaining or arguing." We decided this would be our motto for the day. We could remind each other about it when someone started to slip up. (Which we all did when we all REALLY needed to go the bathroom. It was very helpful.) After we talked about that, we brought out our game, discussed the rules, and we were set to go.

We started with stretches.


I had brought Rice Chocolate milk, since my kids can't get anything at a coffee shop, and I heated it up in our room and poured it in travel cups. They felt like grown ups and we had a warm beverage to start our winter walk. Little finished hers before we left the hotel. That girl and her chocolate, seriously.


We started out by heading to the Guthrie which is this architectural dream and the only building in the United States by this particular designer. It has a beautiful bridge that looks out over the water, and a fun see through floor when you make it up nine flights.


We spent some time there, and took some fun photo's.


The first would be the fact that my kids all passed out and laid down because they were so tired after five blocks. They have no social etiquette yet.




At one point when Middle was standing over the looking glass floor staring at the street and he cried, "I'm scared! I'm scared! My heart is beating wildly!" That kid cracks me up.


This is a bad shot, but you can see the ground in the yellow part.

After the Guthrie we headed back towards the high rises and the skyway to wander around, explore and meet up with Paul for lunch. During our walk, (which by the way, Little walked all ten blocks by herself and only on about block 11 did she asked to be carried. She was not going to get outdone by her brothers.) the kids were picking up dirty ice/snow chunks and calling them ice crystals. I looked at them. Thought about it. Then I decided I didn't care. Let them play with dirty snow with gloves on. It makes 'em happy.





We walked slowly. We found stuff on our scavenger hunt and crossed it off. We found cool little nooks for forts and played a while. We starred at the river. Then we finally made it to the sky way bathroom.

That's where we took this picture.



The kids were rewarded with a juice that they shared.



Then we found dad for lunch at Chipotle. You can eat Gluten/Dairy/Soy/Sugar/Meat free there. It's great!



Paul sent us on his own adventure in the sky way to find him. He sent us photo clues on my phone to let us know we were headed in the right direction. It was super fun!

14 blocks and waking up early did Little in. We knew it was time to go when the crying would stop matter who held her. She had lost all ability to find reason. So we all made a wish in the wishing pond and headed home while the snow started to fall.

It was a great day downtown. We found everything on our scavenger hunt, so after nap time, (it's eerily quiet here right now) we plan on suiting up and hitting the water park. Now I think I need a nap.

Chinese New Year - The year of the Dragon

Today Big celebrated with his whole school the Chinese New Year. I volunteered to help do the kids face paint. Big was very adamant to clarify it was not make up, it was paint. Like soldiers, or costumes at Halloween.

It was fun to be at his school. I haven't had much opportunity to volunteer there, and that is guilt that I am trying to let go of. Being in his school is always so eye opening because of how little understand. Everything around me is written and spoken in Chinese. It's almost like we put our kid on a different playing field completely that we can't relate to. Really great parenting right?! (He is thriving and loves teaching us all sorts of Chinese, but today it was very apparent how different his life is than one I understand.)

So there I am with the other moms setting up our stations to transform these young one for their big performance that evening. I love going and having the kids say, "Big is that your mom?" I wonder, do they ask cause they love my outfit, (it was great today, one of my favorite actually, hoping Big would be proud of his mama) or do they say it because they wonder who the crazy lady is. (Paul would vote for this option, always.) I love seeing my kids face light up when I show up. He is the light of my life, so I love that the feeling is mutual.

Somehow, in the event of splitting up the painting responsibilities, I got glitter duty.

Oh yeah, that's right, I got to brighten the world today by sprinkling glitter on all the kids faces. That way, when they took the stage and the lights hit them, they would have a little extra something to make them shine.

Here's Big before being painted.



Here's Big with his dragon painting covered in glitter.


I also had dust glitter and a compact with me, so all the girls wanted to be turned into pixie dust fairies and see themselves in the mirror. All the boys wanted red glitter on the flames on their face so that it would be scary. Ha, I love boys and girls.

Here is the class waiting to for the last few kids to get painted.


After the two little ones and I couldn't find any parking and walked half a mile down a main street without a sidewalk in the freezing cold, we made it inside just in time. (can you tell how I feel about that?) When the dragon hit the stage, Little was sitting in her chair and she looked at me and said, "puppy? no no. puppy? no no. all done. bye bye. all done." I took her comment to mean, "I don't like this. Please make that large dog go away." While I appreciate her commentary, all I kept thinking was, "come on girl, that isn't a dog, its a dragon! Who's teaching you the proper animals? Oh crap, that was supposed to me." Needless to say, she was not a fan.



The Yinghua New Year performance allowed each class to feature a song or dance, putting them in the spotlight for their moment in time.

Here are some of the highlights.


Here is a class doing the dragon dance, you know, because its the year of the dragon.



This class reenacted a song/story about a farmer who went out to pick his vegetables. What was really funny about this was the kids dressed up like animals pulling big stuffed felt carrots off the other kids heads. Weird? Yes. And my kids sat there a little confused the whole time.


At this point Little was not sure about any of this. She just kept looking at me and saying, "all done. all done. no no no no. all done" with a look of fear on her face. I wasn't sure if she was against bright colors, fans, little kids, singing, dancing, Chinese people or China in general, bright lights, glitter, the stage, or the costumes. These kind of sound like all things that would get her movin and grovin' but she was having none of it.

She eventually settled into the rhythm of the event and at least got to sporting a bored face instead of scared.


Then she discovered the stairs, her freedom, and she started mimicking all the moves and language. I'm pretty sure she thought she was speaking Chinese. So what did we learn? That my daughter's strong opinion can easily be bought with persuasion and glitter. That it might just take her awhile to warm up to new things, but then once on board, she is your strongest supporter. Or she just felt trapped and gave up and enjoyed the show.


This was one of my favorites. These boys were flirting with the girls, trying to get them to come over to their side of the stage. The girls below were being shy and coy and telling the boys to go away. I like the principles of this school.



Here is Big and his class. They did a very fun dance with paper towel tubes that they decorated, a head band that they braided, and their uniforms. Big wasn't afraid at all, did all the moves and singing and even threw in a few extra hip moves. Oh man, that kid likes to dance, mostly to the tune in his head.




Now a few mom thoughts:

I couldn't believe how big my son felt to me tonight. He was so grown up and I couldn't help it, I cried feeling all those things that mom's feel when their baby is growing up so fast. I am so thankful he is still a snuggler. I would then look over to my other two kids and think, Middle you are going to school next year and you will be up with Big in one year. Man how did that happen?

I was so proud of my son. So, so proud of him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was strong, great, silly, goofy, and seriously kept throwing his hips around like he couldn't help it.

When it was all done, I got to throw my arms around and look him in the eye and tell him how great he did. We drove back to the hotel where I had his favorite dinner waiting. After reading stories and brushing teeth, he asked me to pray over him when he was tucked in.

I guess my baby isn't a grown up yet. Thank you Lord.