A long way of getting to the point

It's been awhile since I wrote.  Many factors contribute to this, mainly that I still don't have a computer!  Yea, I know, who knew it could take so long to choose a computer, but I haven't gotten one yet, and my dear sweet husband has had lots of extra work.  So in the evenings when I would write, he works on the computer.  And during the day when I would write, I have been overloading myself with projects.  Yard projects, home projects, cooking projects, life projects.  My head is about to explode.  I need to take a step back and take each one in stride.

The project currently taking up most of my mental space is my diet.  I confessed to you that I had cheated on our joy free diet.  It happens, I get it.  What I underestimated, was how hard it was to kick the sugar habit again.  Holy cow, how I like deep, rich flavorful food.  And sweet food.  So the last few weeks have been this hard, trying to kick the habit, but then I'll be walking through the grocery store late and night, and a cookie, or doughnut will be calling to me.  Or I'll be speaking at a luncheon and for some reason, when someone else cooks for me, I just can't seem to say no.  It's like it's my biggest love language right now and I eat it up.  I can find a dozen different reasons why I choose to be strong, then chicken out, or cave.  There is always a reason.

What I was finding was that I don't like this had control over me.  I don't like that I can't say no.  Combine that with the knowledge that I gained over a month ago that I have Candida.  For those of you how don't know, no it's not an STD or anything disgusting or creepy.  Candida is in its most basic form, an addiction to sugar.  It is a yeast overgrowth that needs starch/sugar to feed and grow.  This is my basic understanding.  In order to rid yourself of this and gain some control over your cravings and eliminate the yeast, one must eat only veggies, lean meat, eggs, and a small handful of other things.  You CAN'T eat starch of any kind, even potato's, sugar of any kind, even natural, coffee, alcohol, or fruit, or anything processed.  Yea, that gives me a lot of options doesn't it.  The kicker is that this diet requires you eat this way for almost 4 months in order to truly starve the yeast and kill it off.

(This is a VERY limited overview of Candida.  If you would like to know more, please visit TheCandidaDiet.com for more information.)

All that to say, I am in day four of my diet, and IT SUCKS!  I'm not gonna lie.  Most of the time the only thing going on in my head is, "I'm hungry, what can I eat?  I am so hungry, I want a chip.  I want a brownie.  I want a piece of my kids birthday cake.  I want bean and corn dip.  Mmm...I want ice cream.  I want to eat anything deep and rich and full of fat.  Then I want to wash it down with hot coffee, finished with a glass of wine."

Day two of the diet was probably  the worst since my body was going full throttle with no sugar or caffeine.  By the end of the day, my body could hardly move my head hurt so bad.  I laid in bed wanting to throw up, and eventually fell asleep.  Woke up the next morning feeling much better.  No headache since then though.  I got through that and then was faced with my kids birthday party.  Baking a cake and not getting to lick my fingers, or snag a small piece, or have one at the party.  At the party, I couldn't eat the rainbow fruit kabob, or my favorite Quino and black bean chips.  No glass of wine for me, yes we had wine for adults at the kids party, that just makes sense in our world, or no coffee on the chilly rainy day.  All things I love, all things I can't have.

At the end of the day, when I was exhausted from the activities, I was craving cake, or chips, or chili, or anything other than the veggies I was eating for supper.  I wanted something, ANYTHING real to eat.  Oh, to be in my head right now is just obnoxious.  So terribly annoying.

So I am stuck in this place of immediate want/need.  I crave, I have emotional connection to food and I want it.  Its hard to sit there in front of food that isn't even all that bad for you and still say no.

And then there is the knowledge and personal experience of knowing how good I feel when I eat healthy and am free of my cravings and obsession and guilt over food.  I love the freedom that comes from not having the cravings.  I love that my taste buds enjoy veggies when I am not eating a swiss cake roll.  I love how I don't feel bloated, or guilty or heavy or obsessed.  I love my energy level and peace of mind, and the amount of patience I have when I eat healthier.

Right now, all day long, it is a choice,.  Immediate satisfaction that is fun while it lasts, or looking at the possibility that I could really be free from this.  That I could find a place in my lifetime to not obsess over food.  To not feel guilty over what I eat.  I don't know if this place exists, but I am going to spend the next four months trying to figure it out and see if I can get there. 

The thing is, I don't want to be a secret eater.  I want to live fully in our diet, and look in my sons eyes with pride and understanding of what it means to eat healthy.  But you can also live on carbs and sweets even on our diet, and I don't want to be a slave to that either.  So I don't know if I can make the whole four months, it seems really, really daunting right now.  But if I take this one day at a time, I may get to four months.  As I write this, I have made it four days, and it's sucked.  But I know the first two weeks are the hardest.  I"m getting there.

One day at a time.  Or in my case right now, one meal at a time, and then at the end of the day, I can say, I did it!  Candida is a real issue.  One that I have.  I can either ignore it, and just live life as I have.  Eating healthy while waiting for the sleeping giant to rear its ugly head all the time.  Or I can face it, and see if I can live in a better place.  I'm not sure you can rid yourself completely of Candida, but I am going to try to find the best way to live with it.

I am choosing freedom over cravings.  Big picture over in the moment.  Health over obsession.  But I am so cranky about it, and I'm not sure how long I can last.  So here's to hoping and praying for better things.