So admitting this means I have to admit defeat. It means that I have to confess to not being stronger than I think I am. Confessing this means I am human. In being human, I fall, I make mistakes, I look at what I do and feel ashamed, and then just like any fallen person, I have to choose. Do better, or continue in my sulking and sinning.
This weekend I broke the diet and broke it hard. Sorry to all of you out there who had better faith in me. I realize why I did it now, and I have noticed a books worth of repercussions.
This weekend we had strong weather advisory. There was a strong tornado path that was coming and going from Friday - Sunday. The thing is, Paul was gone till Sunday at a gig. Chad our renter was gone most of the weekend at a wedding, and Jeromy, our saving grace last time was with Paul at the gig. So all my people were out. It was just me and the kids. What I realized as I watched my son grow more and more anxious at the wind, that I too was very anxious. I always masked my nerves by associating them with the kiddos. What I needed to admit myself was that the tornado left a long impression on me as well.
The thing about me and stress is that we have a complicated relationship. When I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I eat. That is my M.O. I eat. But to make sure that no one can see that flaw in my D.N.A. I secretly eat. If no one sees you, than it doesn't happen right? For some reason I suppose my ability to eat whatever I wanted made me feel like I could control one thing in my life. Which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it, since it really means that the cravings actually have control over you.
I couldn't believe my lack of control. I couldn't believe how easily I fell. The wind and the storms made me nervous. The fact that my security team wasn't here totally unnerved me. I wasn't sure what I would do without those three men here, and it would just be me and the kids if something happened. And so I ate to relieve the stress. (And when I mean eat, I mean ice cream, cookies, hamburgers, etc. When I binge, I do it all out.)
This is what eating terribly for a weekend revealed to me:
1. It is almost impossible to eat healthy when you are eating processed sugary foods. Who the heck wants salad and asparagus when you can eat a burger and fries and it tastes SO good? There is no room for eating healthy when you are graving grease and sugar.
2. I was having these flash backs to my previous life when I would do is obsess over food. I understand that I am always thinking or buying or preparing food, but I don't obsess over it. I don't crave it. I don't feel guilt over it. I don't calculate it. On our allergen free diet, I enjoy food. I eat a wide range of food. I always feel satisfied, but never over indulged. I never feel guilty. I have freedom from the pains of food, from the dysfunction of food. But binging this past weekend, it threw me right back to all those unhealthy places. I would eat cereal and then I couldn't get enough. After I ate icecream I just kept thinking, when could I get my hands on another treat? I felt like I walked right back into prison. My mind and body wasn't free from cravings or addiction to sugar anymore. I let it own me. I couldn't say no to processed sugary food. And my body felt gross. I felt so gross, bloated, heavy, guilty, all of it. Eating process food only made me want more of the processed food and none of the healthy food.
3. I couldn't believe my emotional response to food. I have often talked about how Big's response to food has been all emotional and behavioral. It reshaped my understanding of food's role in our life. Now, I was watching myself firsthand and paying very close attention to my behavior and emotional response. It floored me. Eating unhealthy processed food, along with gluten/dairy/sugar/soy I became more on edge than I usually am with my kids. Where I was able to easily get out of bed before and embrace my day, I had to drag myself out of bed. I didn't have any energy. I was lethargic, slow, empty, and kind of depressed. My energy zapped, my taste for fatty food the only thing in my mind. I was sitting and watching TV at night and not doing anything. I was ready terrible fiction and it was consuming my time. I was getting swallowed by own lethargic self. I had no motivation. I didn't care about much. I was cranky and angry with the kids. I was more my old self than I have been in over a year. I couldn't believe how much eating my old way effected me. Effected my behavior. Effected my emotions.
4. When I am eating healthy I have the capability to choose. Even in a quick moment, I know I have a choice in my behavior. This is what I keep explaining about Big, so I don't know why I was so surprised to see it in myself. I would pray and pray for the patience to deal with my kids. To help them, to parent them, to train them and guide them. God has shown me much in what it means to be a healthy parent. It was astounding to me though to realize how much food effected my mood. Eating a ton of processed food took away my ability to choose. I would INSTANTLY react. There was no second for a quick choice. My emotions were directed by the sugar and fat I was putting in my body. It was almost an out of body experience. I watched myself loose control. Get frustrated easy. Go right to directing behavior instead of encouraging character in my kids. When I live on our new diet, I have been amazed at how God freed me from instant reaction. I have this capability to choose in a second how I want to respond. I am not as stressed out or filled with anxiety.
5. I realize that many people see our life and think it is overwhelming. They come to think we live in this food prison not getting to enjoy all the things they get to enjoy. Not getting the convenience of processed food. But I have to say. When you see our life and it looks like there are bars in the way, I think you are looking from the inside out, not the other way around. My life may look high maintenance in regards to food and you may feel sorry for us, but don't. This past weekend has taught me in spades that I will do the hard work and get the sugar out of my system again because I don't want to live in this space anymore. I feel like I openly walked into this prison of addiction and guilt and I want out. I want my brain back. I want my energy back. I want my evenings of getting real rest, quality time with my spouse and the attention to work on projects back. I want my life back. I want a deeper, richer life that is free from guilt, shame and addiction. I have had a taste of my old life, and I hated it.
I hate that I fell. Clearly I have some deep rooted habits that still need to be worked through emotionally and spiritually, but I'm getting back on track. Wish me luck, detoxing and clearing sugar addiction out of your system is hard work, but like I said, I want my life back.
And selfishly, I want to fit in my pants better again. Man I forgot how easy it is to gain weight when you eat like crap!
This weekend I broke the diet and broke it hard. Sorry to all of you out there who had better faith in me. I realize why I did it now, and I have noticed a books worth of repercussions.
This weekend we had strong weather advisory. There was a strong tornado path that was coming and going from Friday - Sunday. The thing is, Paul was gone till Sunday at a gig. Chad our renter was gone most of the weekend at a wedding, and Jeromy, our saving grace last time was with Paul at the gig. So all my people were out. It was just me and the kids. What I realized as I watched my son grow more and more anxious at the wind, that I too was very anxious. I always masked my nerves by associating them with the kiddos. What I needed to admit myself was that the tornado left a long impression on me as well.
The thing about me and stress is that we have a complicated relationship. When I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I eat. That is my M.O. I eat. But to make sure that no one can see that flaw in my D.N.A. I secretly eat. If no one sees you, than it doesn't happen right? For some reason I suppose my ability to eat whatever I wanted made me feel like I could control one thing in my life. Which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it, since it really means that the cravings actually have control over you.
I couldn't believe my lack of control. I couldn't believe how easily I fell. The wind and the storms made me nervous. The fact that my security team wasn't here totally unnerved me. I wasn't sure what I would do without those three men here, and it would just be me and the kids if something happened. And so I ate to relieve the stress. (And when I mean eat, I mean ice cream, cookies, hamburgers, etc. When I binge, I do it all out.)
This is what eating terribly for a weekend revealed to me:
1. It is almost impossible to eat healthy when you are eating processed sugary foods. Who the heck wants salad and asparagus when you can eat a burger and fries and it tastes SO good? There is no room for eating healthy when you are graving grease and sugar.
2. I was having these flash backs to my previous life when I would do is obsess over food. I understand that I am always thinking or buying or preparing food, but I don't obsess over it. I don't crave it. I don't feel guilt over it. I don't calculate it. On our allergen free diet, I enjoy food. I eat a wide range of food. I always feel satisfied, but never over indulged. I never feel guilty. I have freedom from the pains of food, from the dysfunction of food. But binging this past weekend, it threw me right back to all those unhealthy places. I would eat cereal and then I couldn't get enough. After I ate icecream I just kept thinking, when could I get my hands on another treat? I felt like I walked right back into prison. My mind and body wasn't free from cravings or addiction to sugar anymore. I let it own me. I couldn't say no to processed sugary food. And my body felt gross. I felt so gross, bloated, heavy, guilty, all of it. Eating process food only made me want more of the processed food and none of the healthy food.
3. I couldn't believe my emotional response to food. I have often talked about how Big's response to food has been all emotional and behavioral. It reshaped my understanding of food's role in our life. Now, I was watching myself firsthand and paying very close attention to my behavior and emotional response. It floored me. Eating unhealthy processed food, along with gluten/dairy/sugar/soy I became more on edge than I usually am with my kids. Where I was able to easily get out of bed before and embrace my day, I had to drag myself out of bed. I didn't have any energy. I was lethargic, slow, empty, and kind of depressed. My energy zapped, my taste for fatty food the only thing in my mind. I was sitting and watching TV at night and not doing anything. I was ready terrible fiction and it was consuming my time. I was getting swallowed by own lethargic self. I had no motivation. I didn't care about much. I was cranky and angry with the kids. I was more my old self than I have been in over a year. I couldn't believe how much eating my old way effected me. Effected my behavior. Effected my emotions.
4. When I am eating healthy I have the capability to choose. Even in a quick moment, I know I have a choice in my behavior. This is what I keep explaining about Big, so I don't know why I was so surprised to see it in myself. I would pray and pray for the patience to deal with my kids. To help them, to parent them, to train them and guide them. God has shown me much in what it means to be a healthy parent. It was astounding to me though to realize how much food effected my mood. Eating a ton of processed food took away my ability to choose. I would INSTANTLY react. There was no second for a quick choice. My emotions were directed by the sugar and fat I was putting in my body. It was almost an out of body experience. I watched myself loose control. Get frustrated easy. Go right to directing behavior instead of encouraging character in my kids. When I live on our new diet, I have been amazed at how God freed me from instant reaction. I have this capability to choose in a second how I want to respond. I am not as stressed out or filled with anxiety.
5. I realize that many people see our life and think it is overwhelming. They come to think we live in this food prison not getting to enjoy all the things they get to enjoy. Not getting the convenience of processed food. But I have to say. When you see our life and it looks like there are bars in the way, I think you are looking from the inside out, not the other way around. My life may look high maintenance in regards to food and you may feel sorry for us, but don't. This past weekend has taught me in spades that I will do the hard work and get the sugar out of my system again because I don't want to live in this space anymore. I feel like I openly walked into this prison of addiction and guilt and I want out. I want my brain back. I want my energy back. I want my evenings of getting real rest, quality time with my spouse and the attention to work on projects back. I want my life back. I want a deeper, richer life that is free from guilt, shame and addiction. I have had a taste of my old life, and I hated it.
I hate that I fell. Clearly I have some deep rooted habits that still need to be worked through emotionally and spiritually, but I'm getting back on track. Wish me luck, detoxing and clearing sugar addiction out of your system is hard work, but like I said, I want my life back.
And selfishly, I want to fit in my pants better again. Man I forgot how easy it is to gain weight when you eat like crap!