How much is too much?

I needed to shovel the snow for the third day in a row yesterday.  Little and I came home and I went to work.  Then I remembered that we have neighbors who live three houses down whose dad is out of town for the next two weeks.  So its just the mom, who works full time, the grandma and the 2 year old daughter.  It sure would be kind if I could help out and do this one small chore for them so them so they wouldn't have to do it and bear the cold and risk slipping on the ice.  Easy right?  Shovel your neighbors walk, 15 min, done.

A confession is that I don't usually think about helping my neighbors and shoveling their walks.  Sad, but true.  I just go about my business and do my own thing, get my work done and then move onto the next thing on my list .  But this past Saturday, middle came out to help me shovel and I thought this was a good activity to help teach him how we can help people in all sorts of ways, even on our own block.  (Sad that I often will only think of helping others when I know it will help me teach my kids about compassion.  Man I have a long way to go in understanding a full change of heart.)

So we shoveled their walk two days ago.  Now I am out there shoveling again, and I think to myself, no one is here to see me or learn from me.  Why aren't I shoveling their walk again?  OK, so I will go and shovel their walk.  But in order to get to their home, I need to pass my immediate neighbors.  My immediate neighbors who I have lived next door to for 10 years and I have never once shoveled their walk.  They don't speak English, but we have lived peacefully, watching our kids playing together for years.  The grandma has helped me weed my garden and we have shared plates of food with one another every time a baby is born in either home.

Would I really walk past their snowy sidewalk and not help out?  They have 15 people who live in that house.  Many capable people who could shovel.  But just because they can shovel their own walk, doesn't mean I couldn't show kindness to even them.  So I just kept shoveling.

The house after that is our neighbor who I struggle with.  Their little boy who is hard for me to love, but God challenges daily in the summer months that kids act out for a reason.  And he has his reasons.  Two years ago while holding Little, we got ran down by the S.W.A.T. team as they busted down this neighbor's door looking for a stolen weapon.  Then we watched the little boy who watched his dad and his uncles hurl curse words and slander while they cleaned up glass from the broken door and window.  Things are hard at that house.  Are they not worthy of kindness?  Would a kind act show this family compassion and a little bit of joy?  So I just kept shoveling.

Now the house between the family I just told you about, and the mother with her husband gone has been abandoned since the tornado.  It sits, neglected, all doors and windows boarded up.  We thought the city might own it, but a few weeks ago a couple guys came and cleaned the house out.  Now it sits with a For Sale sign on the lawn.  I'm not gonna lie.  We all loved when this family left.  They were really hard to love.  There were all sorts of shady things happening in that house.  Cops were a regular there, and a few years back they received a lot of attention of shooting and killing their dog in the basement.  But mostly, it really bothered me the way the oldest son talked to his little brother.  The way he would interact with him.  You knew bad stuff was happening there.  ANYWAY, it is one abandon house that sits between all my shoveled walk, and the house I am trying to get to.  So I shoveled.  I don't know if anyone was going to come and shovel.  I doubt it.  And I thought of all the people who would walk the sidewalk getting to the bus or to work, and I thought about the mailman.  So I shoveled it for them.  Then I shoveled our friends walk.

As I was shoveling, I thought about all the things I had just written about.

The family who is capable and has lots of people to shovel.
The family, who for honesty sake, kind of scare me.
The empty home with no family, but so many past mistakes.
The family in need.

I was placing judgments on who was worth my time and kindness.  Who REALLY needs help?  Those are the people we help right?

Being in the tornado almost two years ago really has changed me.  Like never before, was God's call for us to simply live out our lives, loving the people around us mean as much to me as it did after that experience.  No kindness goes unnoticed, because in every act of kindness, there is love, and where there is love, God is present.

Well, after I was done shoveling, I noticed that all I did was reveal all the Ice underneath the snow.  And my first thought was, "Grap!  For real?!"  So I went into our home and got our bag of salt, selfishly thinking to myself, "Now I have to go and buy more salt because I am going to use it all up and I wasn't planning on spending money on this, and Paul is just going to love that I am salting the walk of crack house.  He's gonna love me for this."  But, come on, really, it would be a terrible thing for me to shovel, only to reveal ice and then let someone slip.  I love the way God just keeps pushing me further.  "Just give a little bit more Dani.  Give till you can feel the pain of letting go of your stuff, your money, your time for someone else.  I want you to feel giving, not just be a convenient giver, because that is really no servant heart at all."

So I salted everyone's walk.  I knew it was right.  I knew God was teaching me in this moment and shaping my heart to look a little more like his, and I am thankful for that, really.  So I didn't say anything to my neighbors or to my kids.  This was just about serving and loving the people around me.  Truthfully, I'm not sure they would know we are Christians by the way we live.  I mean, we go to church, and we talk about kindness here and they know we are believers, but that's only because they've asked.  I am ashamed by how little I have done to serve the people right here on my street.  This. This is why God is shaping my heart.  To make me less selfish, and I am thankful for that.

This morning I had a wonderful devotion/prayer time before the kids got up.  I went to the kitchen and started my routine.  Then big woke up and when we looked out the window he saw it had snowed again.  AGAIN!  Four days in a row.  He said, "mom, I think we should serve our friend by shoveling her walk again.  I mean you could do it." And that is when I rolled my eyes.

SERIOUSLY GOD?!!!  FOUR DAYS IN A ROW YOU WANT ME TO SHOVEL HALF A CITY BLOCK AND SALT IT?

Yes all the shouty capitals were in my head.  And then a quiet understanding came to me.

When are we done serving?

When ever is it enough to stop giving?

Where is the line for not loving your neighbor?

So my heart got worked on a little bit more today.  My understanding of faith, love, serving, obedience and God got a little bit richer today as yes, I did shovel everyone's walk again today.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm a little less selfish today, and little bit more focused on God.

(But then secretly I tell myself, you have to really get it today, otherwise it will snow again tomorrow Daniel-son.  I think God might just be Mr. Miyagi.)

So yes, this girl still has a lot to learn.

Just Show Up

"

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed" - Mark 1:35

I think devotions are extremely important, and yet I think many of us are scared of them.  I know I used to be.  I thought every devotion needed to have this earth shattering moment where God spoke directly to me and my world would be changed.  That my heart would be full and I would walk away renewed and in touch with my soul.   But then there is the question of "what to do for devotions?"  Pray? Journal? Read?  But read what? The Bible? A book? What book?  Of Poetry .short stories with meaning...a chapter in the Bible, but then where do I start with that?  Good grief, it's just easier to ignore it all together.

I think Satan speaks these things into our Spirit to keep us from even trying.  We come to a devotion/quiet/ meditation time with expectations.  We hear people speak of how God is changing them, speaking to them, revealing things to them.  We show up once, it doesn't happen, and it becomes harder the next time to be as open, be as vulnerable.  We show up again and we read text but it doesn't really get down into our soul. (and then there is the issue of being terrified of what God might reveal to us, or what we might see in our own souls that we don't want to see and will have to confront.)

I can't believe I am actually going to say this, but because I hear Tony Horton's voice every day in this house, (God bless my husband for his dedication to his health and workouts), I am going to repeat what he tells his clients,

SHOW UP.  JUST SHOW UP.

You don't always feel like it.  You may suck at it some days.  You may feel nothing some days, but you have to show up.

SHOW UP

I had a friend who decided to just show up to silence every morning for 30 minutes.  She wasn't sure what she was doing.  She wasn't sure if she was going to think on a passage, or say something, or wait.  She didn't know, but what she knew is she needed to show up.  If she kept showing up then something was going to happen.

There is no right way to do devotions.  Over our last Sabbath, I read all of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce" I never opened my Bible or prayed.  But I read a book on spiritual matters.  My soul was stirred and my heart was full of new thoughts regarding God and his love for me.  That was my devotion time.  It was refreshing because there are so many days where I read the proverbs or the Psalms or Hebrews and...there's just nothing.  I don't know what I am supposed to be hearing or learning.  Nothing jumps off the page at me and grabs me.  I read.  I close the book, and then I'm done.  It was nice to feel something after doing a devotion.

We have to acknowledge that there is a lie here that says that devotions have to be hard, complicated, intimidating, long, life changing.  Most devotions/quiet times/meditations are just showing up.  Because something beautiful happens in the showing up.  When we consistently show up, we change our habits to include a greater force than ourselves.  We train our brains to remember that we are not alone and are under a higher authority.  It forces us to remember that God is there.  We are not alone.  God is there.  When we show up it creates space for God to be God.  When we show up we will slowly chip away at our independence and fear and control issues and slowly and gently God will take them from us and replace them with his compassion, forgiveness and love.

JUST SHOW UP.

Doesn't matter what you start with.  Doesn't matter how terrible your prayer is.  (I love to pray. I like to pray more than I like to read the Bible.  I like to pray more than I like to listen to God's answer.  Some would say they like listening to me pray.  But in devotion time, my prayers are horrible.  They are scattered, they are confusing, they are distracted.  They are jumpy, meaning they go from something very real and deep to something like, "please God help me not to forget that my son needs a special treat today."  A lot of times, my prayers are begging God to help me stay focused.  I struggle with saying the things I think I am supposed to say and what I really want to say.  They usually end up being both, just in case.)

Devotions can be short to get started.  Devotions can be listening to a song with a strong spiritual meaning.  It could be reading a book that teaches you or encourages you in spiritual matters.  It could be a Bible Study.  It could be a Portals of Prayer, which I've actually never read before.  huh.  It could be prayer.  It could be journaling.  Doesn't matter, just show up.  God still shows up, so you won't be alone.

Start where you need to start to have success.  If that means 15 min. three days a week, then start there.  Start in a realistic place where you will have success and be encouraged to get to the place you want to be.  Remember, there is no right or wrong in this.

But let's be honest here.  If we aren't spending time re plugging into our spiritual source, how can we expect our faith to flourish?  How can we be strong and courageous if we aren't doing anything to strengthen it?  Our Christian faith is like any other living thing.  It needs to be fed and strengthened, otherwise, it withers and dies.

I wish I was better at devotions on a daily basis.  A lot of times I am so exhausted from staying up late trying to do too many things.  This last Sabbath was a big reminder to me how important taking time out, making it a priority is.  Taking time to learn from the one who made me.  Feeling my soul shine a little brighter, feel a little more alive, a little more real and full.  And to learn a little bit more about the one who loves me.  To challenge my preconceived ideas and stretch my understanding.

I need to remember...Just show up.

It's not about how to do devotions.

It's about why we do devotions.

Inner dialog: The cycle of dysfunction

I wasn't going to continue on my last post, but my post about raising my daughter led to a wonderful long conversation with my grandmother.  A conversation that shed some more light into the things I was trying to communicate in the previous post.

I sounded pretty terrified and insecure in my previous post, and all those things I said were true, sometimes are still true.  But what I realized is how much God has healed me from so much of that fear.  It used to be, if anyone ever paid me a compliment, I quickly pass it off to having pulled off a fun outfit.  All my confidence and beauty rested in how thin I was and how great my outfit was; my superficial appearance.  My acceptance never went any deeper than how I appeared to others.  I say with confidence now, how God has used the last couple years to slowly reveal my inner self to me in a way that I see and love because it is the me he has transformed.  I now believe that I am lovable even on my bad days, (sometimes believing that is still really hard), but that I still deserve love because God has claimed me and has transformed me.  My worth doesn't come from how much I get done, how great my kids behave, or my fantastic closet, though that is my favorite part.  I am the same me on good and bad days.  I am normal.  I am loved.  I am a creation designed by the creator.  I won't ever be anybody else, and I am more OK with that than ever before.  I like me now.  I'm still not proud of my behavior most days, but I understand that mistakes are a part of life, and God is still working in me.  I still don't shower for days, yell at my kids when I am tired and immediately regret it.  I waste days on TV sometimes and get down on myself for not being more than I want to be.  I am proud, and selfish, and angry still, but I am also forgiven, redeemed, selfless, and giving too.  I am a strong combination of good and broken.  I am human.  But I am me, and I kind of like me, because God has placed good in me, he has placed his Spirit in me.

I would like to pass that Spirit filled confidence onto my daughter.  I would like her to see in me a woman who seeks God in all she does.  A woman who tries to love others as best she can.  A mom who did her best and rejoiced over her children.  I would like her to see a REAL woman who accepts who she is and lives her life to God's glory.  I want to give her that.

What I don't want to give her is a negative inner dialog.  I don't want the bad things I say about myself to be her guidelines for what a woman should be.  If she hears me always angrily calling myself fat, than she will understand that 1. her mom doesn't like herself, and 2. that the measurement for fat, is the weight her mother is at and apparently that is a bad thing.  Now I'm not overweight, but if she hears me saying I'm fat, than she must remain thinner than me to NOT be fat And if I don't like myself, what does that say to the child who looks up to me?  This is very confusing to a child who thinks the world of her mom, the person who outweighs everyone else on the planet.  No one is better than mom, at least for awhile. And what does that say, when your favorite person doesn't like herself?  Cuts herself down, and disregards the child's compliments that they are beautiful?

If someone pays me a compliment, and my immediate response is, "Oh no, I don't have any make up on, my hair is a mess and I'm in sweats.  I look terrible."  This inadvertently communicates to her that in order to be beautiful, I need to be put together.  I need make up, I need my hair done and I need to dressed in a fun get up.

Why are so many of us women are always cutting ourselves down so easily?  We are so incredibly harsh on ourselves.  Why is it so impossible to see the beauty in ourselves?  Because the thing is, we are the measuring stick by which our children will understanding beauty and confidence and self acceptance.  In the way we talk about ourselves, we are giving them their inner dialog.

So, my children will never hear me call myself fat.  EVER.  Even if I feel it, I have never said these words in front of them.  One time Big heard me say, "oh man these jeans are getting tight, I have put on some weight."  His immediate response was, "Mom you are NOT FAT!"  I said without hesitation, "You are right, I am not fat, however, I probably shouldn't be eating two desserts a day and sneaking one as a snack.  It's not healthy, and not fitting in my jeans is a good indicator that I should stop."

My children won't ever hear me criticize myself in a photo.  Doesn't matter if the camera added 10lbs, or if it was a bad angle, the photo was there to capture a memory. I don't want them hearing me care more about my looks and cutting myself down, than I do about the fun moment that photo captured.

When I get dressed up to go out, I have decided to use the word fun when asking how an outfit works.  "Is this outfit fun?  Does it match?  Would different shoes be better?"  This may sound really silly, but the last thing I want to hear or have them understand is that the outfit makes me beautiful.  The outfit may be beautiful, I may be beautiful in it, but what I am wearing, in the end does not make or break me.  The beauty is in my confidence.  The beauty is in how I treat people.  The beauty is in how love lives in my life.

I try to take captive every negative thought about my looks before they leave my mouth.  This way, in every way possible, they don't have a mother who cares most about the way she doesn't like they way she looks.  However, in my behavior, my children always hear my repentance and prayer for God's strength to do better, so that there is more love in our house than anger or frustration.  I want the comments they hear me say about myself always to reflect my character, not my looks.  I hope they understand in this, that character and spirit are far more important to work on than the way we look.  (with all obvious health issues aside, this is purely cosmetic talk here.)

You may think all of this is a bit over the top, but I don't care.  For as long as I can remember, I only had negative inner dialog.  Do you know how hard it is to change your entire mindset?  It's taken me awhile, and I would like to save my daughter as much of that pain as possible.  Your inner dialog about yourself COMPLETELY effects the way you interact with other people.  Your partner.  Your family.  Your co-workers.  Your friends.  Your neighbors.  And the way we see ourselves, talk about ourselves, becomes our children inner dialog, their frame work of how to understand who they are.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with some of these things.  It's hard to live one way your entire life, and then try to think completely different.  It takes time, but God is faithful, and he has worked miracles in my heart already in this.

God is bigger than all of this, and heals every kind of pain and issue, but can't we participate in ending the cycle?  Helping give them a healthy self awareness?  A love for themselves because they are created by God?  This is what I want to give my daughter.  I used be very afraid that I couldn't overcome my own demons and create a healthy inner dialog for myself to ensure that I could give her one too.  But God is good, and he has done wonders in the dark places of my head.

And in the end, when I read this, its not even at all about the way we look.  It's about who we are.  .

Stopping the cycle of dysfunction

***Yes, you probably noticed the blog is different.  I tried to update it a little.  There is still some work to be done, but I am happy with the progress.  Maybe in a couple weeks, my blog and website will be in one spot.  Simplify right?***

Back to this blog...

I wasn't blessed to have faced all of my demons before marriage and incidentally before having children.  So it has become their burden as well to walk this life with me, broken, struggling, full of mistakes.  Just as  my husband hasn't laid down his dark spirits either, but I walk with him through dark times.  Our sweet innocent children haven't had major heartbreak yet, so their time will come.  I am not talking about sin, I am talking about the issues in your life that tear at your spirit, the ones you live with and are afraid to let go of.

For years, I  didn't want a daughter. I was scared she would see the demons.  In true honesty, I am more terrified I am slowly revealing the demons to her and handing them to her in a fun package that will weigh her down for the rest of her life.  I am handing them to her in the things I say, in the way I talk about myself, in the way I talk about other people.  Dark things that don't reflect confidence, or security.  Negative self talk, eating issues and one of my greatest downfalls, comparison.  Always seeing the better in others and the worse in myself.

The first day I had both my boys in school I cried a lot because I missed them.  I was a wreck for awhile, seriously, I didn't think it would be that hard.  But on that first day, I had a friend trying to cheer me up, and she said, "You get all this time with Little.  You have this rare three years of just you and her, and you get to teach her what it means to be a girl.  To be a woman."

My fear and insecurity and treacherous negative thoughts enveloped me at the thought of teaching someone else how to be something I don't even know how to be.  I am to be her role model.  Her example of a woman.  A wife.  A mother.  A christian.  A girlfriend.  A girl.

I took this picture the other night when I was up late, and Little woke up sad.  I pulled her out of bed and crawled on the couch to snuggle her and rub her back till she peacefully drifted back to her dreams.  I laid there looking at this face and just praying to God that I wouldn't screw her up so deeply that even He couldn't fix her.  How do I love her enough to hopefully not pass along all my issues, all my faults, all my insecurity about what it means to be a woman?

And then God slowly spoke in my ear..."give them to me.  You can't give them to her, if you've given them to me."

(what I love about this picture is that by just looking at it, you would never know the doubt, fear, control issues and insecurities that lie deep within someone.  Everyone is more than skin deep.)

See in order to teach Little how to love herself for who God created her to be, I need to face my issues with who I am and love me because I too belong to my creator. It's easy for me to say to my children, "I don't love you because you got a golden ticket at school, or you learned how to tie your shoe, or helped wash the dishes."  The same is true for the mistakes they make.  I don't see the good or the bad, I just see my kid, and I love them because they are mine. (I know they are God's and I do pray that my control issues will always allow me to understand that and not hold on too tight.)  But really, its just because they are apart of me, they are mine.  That is why I love them.  And I know that God would express the same opinion  about me if I dare ask that question and open my ears to hear the answer.

I love that face.  I mean I really love that face and the personality that goes with it and the girl that she is.  I am wholeheartedly in love with my daughter.  That night while she laid on my chest, I just wept.  I want the most for her life.  I want her to love without abandon.  I want her to have real confidence, the kind that comes from knowing that no matter what, she belongs to God Almighty and no make up or boy will ever change that.  I don't want her to be a people pleaser, always bending for the approval of others to the sacrifice of herself.

I deeply wish she won't be a perfectionist like me, never pleased with what she creates because it won't ever be good enough.  I don't want her inner dialog to be negative thoughts that tear at her character and value in this world.  I want her to live a life outside of guilt, unlike her mother, who is a struggling recovery addict to guilt.  I want her to feel comfortable in her body and skin without make up and a dress.  That she could love herself just as much in sweats as she would in glitter.

I deeply desire that she would know that her beauty is far more greater and goes much deeper than her skin. She will be told she's beautiful her whole life, because she is, and I am terrified that it will take her a lifetime to realize that it is her heart and character that make up her beauty.  I don't want her to use her beauty to manipulate people like her mother did in High School.  I don't want her to use her beauty to obtain privileges that aren't rightfully hers just because she has big stunning eyes.

I don't want her to think she has to perform for us to gain our acceptance.  That she needs to be funny, outgoing, creative, exciting all the time, but that truly we love her without those things.  That she could be whoever she wants or needs to be and that is all we ask, for her to be true to herself and in tune with the creator who made her.

I desperately want her to realize that I don't want her to be me, but I want her to be her.  I desire for her to forge her own path.  To find out what being a woman looks like for her.  To love and respect who've I become, but look at me and say, "I want to do things different."

Helping her means having to face my own demons.  Helping her means letting go of all my baggage.  Teaching her means forgiving myself.  Guiding her means loving myself.  Respecting myself.  Believing in the woman I have become.  It doesn't mean perfect, it means respect.  Respect for the mistakes I've made and the forgiveness and understanding I've gained.  It means respect for my body and how it ages.  How I talk about myself will speak directly into her self talk of what a woman is.  Oh man, I am one respect away from quoting the song, so I'll stop before my inner Aretha comes out.

So far this girl has her own strong opinions about everything.  Her clothes, the way her animals should go to sleep on her bed, her hair, her toys, her books, her food.  She has nothing short of the strongest will I've ever seen.  I don't want to break that with giving her my issues.  I want to help train her in how to use that.

I want to help her embrace her life.  I want her to always love food, art, music, people, books, God and her family.  I desire for her character to run deep and her faith to be strong, so that when she is faced with trial, she can confidently stand in the grace she has known all her life.  I prayed a lot that night with my daughter tucked in tight with me.  I let go of my fear and insecurity of raising her.  I held on to my other issues, because apparently I'm not done with those yet.  But I don't look at her with fear anymore.  I look at her with hope.  I am hopeful because I know God is capable of healing me and helping her.  I have hope, and in that hope, I can love my daughter with abandon and fearlessness.  I don't know what "a woman" is supposed to look like, but I look like me, and I'm what she's got, so we'll start there.

And the thing I pray over Little every night is, "Let your insides match your outsides sweet girl."  And I believe God answers prayer.

Preparing for Dedication

The fall and winter is usually when Paul and I travel the most for work.  He is a graphic designer by day, but plays guitar in a band at night.  That really is a side project and he isn't gone all the time doing it, but he travels and practices and takes time to write so it still takes up his time and energy.  I travel when I speak at conferences and retreats and have been writing a lot more these days.   He will be gone 1-2 weekends per month and I will be gone 1-2 per month.  We always make sure we are home as a whole family at least one weekend a month together for these winter months of crazy.

People always say that it sounds incredibly hard and busy.  We understand it is a bit busier than usual, but really, how we approach it makes all the difference.  We try very hard to look at our priorities and make room only for the things we won't compromise on, faith, family, fun and structure.  We withdraw from everything else during those times to protect our family.  We don't schedule dinners, parties, classes, or kickball or extra circular activities.  We take the things we usually do and replace then with travel.  So during the week, we don't do anything else.  Whenever we are home, spending time together as a married couple and family is our top priority.  That's probably why people think we are so busy, because we are either traveling or hiding for months, and then in the spring, we come out to play.

Paul and I both feel called to our family, our marriage and to our ministries.  We in no way want one of these aspects of our life to allow the other to suffer.  And we deeply believe that if God has called to us these aspects of our life, then if we seek him continuously and ask for his guidance he will provide a way.  So we pray and talk and schedule and find a way for each of these aspects of our heart and lives to empower the other, not destroy it.  We want healthy rhythms and routine for the kids.  We want and need time together to keep our marriage strong.  We see how our whole family flourishes in our regular life schedule of slower paced living.

I have learned how to prepare for this season of our lives each year. On New Year's we open our schedule and we look over the next six months.  We discuss priorities, time as a family, what we will cut out of the schedule and what we need to keep to stay healthy.  We discuss sitters, schedules, merchandise, food, family chores, the whole bit.  So I have learned how to prepare the house.  Get things in order.  I have learned to love friends through emails and phone calls while being in the airport since I don't see much of them.  I have learned to make lists of financial items that need to be taken care of during the week when I am home.  I have not mastered the birthday thing and remembering and sending cards.  I am horrible at that, and not sure its in my DNA to be that girl that will send you a card to arrive on your actual birthday.  That just seems way too hard.  I have though learned how to organize multiple sitters and a network of people to take care of the kids.  (And this is just all the house/family stuff, I didn't list all the business arrangements that need to take place, writing and preparing speeches, and ordering and organizing merchandise to sell.  Preparation in of itself is a part time job.)

The last two years I have needed to include food preparation into this list which is an enormous task.  I can't leave money for the sitter to buy pizza or McDonald's   I can't let Paul make the kids PB&J for lunch.  I need lists of the "DO NOT EAT" foods.  Lists of the "APPROPRIATE SNACKS".  Most of the time, I need all  the food prepared so that our friends and family watching the kids feel comfortable and confident in their ability to love them and take care of them.  I want to bless them as much of a stress free weekend as I can.  So that now includes lists and lists of food, days of cooking and freezing food, and organizing the menu and vitamins that each kid takes.  Then I think about myself.  What am I going to eat?  I usually take some hard boiled eggs, Larabars, apples and almonds and scones.  I am happy to eat salad for the weekend and know that usually in the green room are veggies and fruit.

But on Thursday what I wasn't expecting and totally forgot was that Paul was now on our diet.  It was Thursday morning and Little and I came home from dropping the boys off at school.  We were going to paint nails, read books and play a game while we waited for the new stove to arrive. (which it didn't and we are hoping comes Monday!)  But then my mind drifted to the fact that Paul was going to be leaving for his Chicago weekend gig at 5am the next morning.  He would be gone all weekend.  Then it hit me, what's he going to eat?  Oh shoot!  So I looked at Little and we struck a deal.  Cook one thing for Daddy and do one thing for her.  What was tricky about this is that Paul may be on our all natural diet, but me and the kids can be fine eating snacks and bird like food for a few days.  We are happy being granola, seed, nut and fruit and veggie people.  Paul needs meat.  Paul need substance.  How the heck am I supposed to do that?  So I did the only thing that made sense to me. I prepared food that he could take, but if he gave me the look of, "am I really supposed to eat that?" then I had it already prepared for the kids.  To me it felt like a win/win.

So this is what I sent with Paul to help fill in his gaps of meals, and hopefully when in a pinch, make a  meal in and of itself.  My goal was that he wouldn't hate the diet so much that he wouldn't want to do it anymore.  The challenge was great, but I have already heard from him that he is doing well, and every time he eats the food I prepared for him, he knows how much I love and support him.  And that's the goal right?  Take care of our loved ones.  Support them in their dreams and dedication to being the best they can be?  He wants to eat healthy, take care of  himself for me and the kids, rid himself of some chronic issues.  How can I not do everything in my power to help him in that. I can either be apart of his downfall, or his success.  I am his wife.  I want him to succeed.

So I sent him with:

I made our coffee cake which I get from thespunkycoconut.com.  Its really delicious and sent Paul with three HUGE pieces, one for each morning he was gone.

Paul has eaten Larabars before and I believe his response was, "It tastes like chalk.  I can't believe you eat this."  Welcome to the diet!  So I splurged and bought a bunch of different kinds of bars for him to try.  His homework was if he didn't like it, put the rest of the bar in a baggie and bring it home so the kids could eat for a snack, they are too expensive to throw away, seriously.  And if he liked it, he needed to keep the wrapper so I knew which ones to get him next time he traveled out of town.  And yes you will see Enjoy Life candy bars in there.  I figured, he would be watching everyone else eating oreo's in the green room, if he felt like something sweet, then he had something on hand.

Hard boiled eggs are a great snack in this house.  One splurge item we use is smoked salt.  It it just to die for and we can't eggs any other way.  We are adding it to pop corn and roasted veggies, its just too good not to.  We get ours from here.  It takes our usually every day very plain food, to a whole new wonderful place of goodness.

I found this box of a cookie mix, so I decided to cook them up and had Paul try them.  He loved them, which is a huge test in this house.  So I sent him with some, ate quite a few myself and then each kid got two in their lunch the next day.  Yes, cause I ate that many if you must know.  The cookie mix was Pure Elizabeth.  Don't remember where it came from, but I will keep my eye out for it now.

I was a little surprised that Paul wanted to take the Quinoa and bean salad with walnuts in it.  I thought this was pushing his limits, but he actually really likes it, and its ALL protein   So I am hoping this big batch will help with the hunger over the weekend.

These scones are really very British and not sweet at all.  But they work great dipped in coffee or slathered with a nut butter or jam.  So that is what I sent with Paul, scones for a lunch with a can of our homemade strawberry/apple jam made this past fall.

Here is the jam and the cashew ranch dressing that I sent with him.  I figured, most of the time salad is your only option, so I wanted him to have dressing that he enjoys.

I am not gonna lie, I never thought I would see the day that meat and potato man would take a suitcase of granola, hippy, authentic real  food with him.  He had bamboo silverware and everything.  He was so happy to have food to eat, and I was so happy that was willing to pack a whole other suitcase of food.

Weekend one is a success!  Now in two weeks we will both be gone, so I guess its back to the kitchen to start preparing food for five people, two who will be gone and three that will have sitters.  I should start now so I will be done in time.

But in true confession, every minute in the kitchen is worth it.  It is worth it that my husband is happier with himself and his body and his attitude.  It is worth it for my sons ability to have friends, and interact in a healthy way with others.  That he has stayed of meds because of the food he eats.  The absence of my depression makes every moment in the kitchen worth it.  To pursue our dreams.  To use our God given gifts to bless others.  To have joy in our home.  You will probably find my body dead in the kitchen when I go, but yes it is worth. every. single. second. for the life we have.  The good things are absolutely worth the work.

Gluten/Dairy/Soy/Sugar Free Muffin Mush

This has hands down become my favorite mistake.

The muffin recipe below was the one recipe that I have been using for the last year. Lately it hasn't been holding its own for us. The recipe below has a tendency to turn out a bit dry for us. You can make it work straight out of the oven, but even then its a little full in the mouth if you know what I mean. It isn't dry, or chalky, but it's hard to get down sometimes. It fills your mouth in an uncomfortable way. When you don't eat a lot of muffins though, you think, "Oh for the love of all that's good! I get to eat a muffin!" So you eat it anyway with a big glass of rice or almond milk or you dunk it in coffee, even though it kind of falls apart on you and then you fish the crumbs out and its a big mess. You somehow are still excited to be eating a muffin.

Well, one day I substituted coconut flour for the rice flour and the coconut flour sucked up all the moisture. I would add a big splash of milk to the batter, but it didn't matter, no moisture. Well, I dumped it in the muffin pan anyway and baked them. They were thicker and fell apart as you pulled them out of the oven.

Something you should know about me is I hate waste. Hate it. I hate wasting money. Time. Food. Paint. Fabric. Gas. Water. Doesn't matter what it is, I don't like wasting it. So now, here I have a food, money and my time sitting in a muffin pan that didn't work out.

So what should I do?

Then I remembered my individual berry pie's that I served at our harvest party. The topping to the pie's were crumbled muffins and then we would drizzle Coconut Milk over it and it was to die for. Seriously, BEST DESSERT EVER.

Well, I could do the same thing without the pie right? A little bit french toast bake, a little bit mashed cake look, and a lot of yummy goodness. So I took the muffins, pulled out five bowls, crumbled two muffins in each bowl. Then I drizzled pure maple syrup over the crumbled muffin, added some chopped pecans and then poured in a small amount of coconut milk. Not enough for it to look or feel like cereal, but just enough to add sweetness and moisture that I apparently couldn't accomplish pre baking it.

IT WAS AWESOME!

Seriously best dessert breakfast we have ever had. Even Paul pre-diet said this should be a legit recipe and not a mistake. The only warning is that the kids prefer this over regular muffins now. It's hard to get them to eat them plain after this goodness.

So you don't have to use these muffins, you can use whatever muffin recipe you have. They don't even have to be gluten or dairy free. What isn't better with syrup and milk poured over it?

Now I will say that coconut milk adds a richness that rice milk doesn't. Using a flavored milk also helps, like vanilla almond milk. You could even sprinkle cinnamon on top. Get crazy and just enjoy it on Saturday morning!


Muffin Mush recipe


Make muffins according to these directions.

Gluten/Dairy/Soy/Sugar Free Muffins
1 1/2 cup of rice flour*

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp of baking soda

1/2 tsp of Real sea salt

3 large banana's mashed with fork**

1/4 cup of honey

1 egg

1/3 cup of butter spread substitute (earth balance is great)***

2 teaspoons of flax or chia seeds


Blend all dry ingredients together in a bowl. Mix wet ingredients together in separate bowl. Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients.

Extra fun add in's:1/4 cup of Nuts, raisins, coconut, choc chips, seeds, et. .

Bake at 350 for 15 min.

Pull out of oven. Break apart into bite size pieces and place in cereal bowl. Add chopped nuts or coconut flakes. Drizzle a tablespoon of pure maple syrup over crumbled muffin. Add 1/4 cup milk of choice.

Enjoy!

*All GF flours are not the same. I have used Bean and Coconut flour in this and neither has worked. Bean adds a very negative distinct flavor and Coconut soaks up all the mixture so you can never get it back to batter consistency.

**You can also replace this with 1 cup pumpkin puree or squash puree. If you use pumpkin or squash I would recommend switching the honey to Pure Maple Syrup because it kind of keep's two fall flavors together and they compliment each other really nicely.

*** I have also used coconut oil here when I was out of butter and that has worked well too. It adds another layer of sweetness to the overall muffin.

Protien packed power snack

I don't know about you, but I need a good go to easy snack that will fill me and keep me from eating the really unhealthy quick convenient food found ,well everywhere!

I remember getting introduced my first Larabar and realizing there were at most 4 ingredients in them.  These cost about $1.89 wherever you are which is pretty spendy if you ask me. So we buy them as our road trip food, special snacks, because they are crazy expensive, and because just one doesn't fill me or the kids up. 

Then I had a friend come to my house with a tray of her own homemade Larabars.  At that point, I thought she was the smartest person on the planet.  Seriously, why didn't I think of that.  Well, I started making them.  I would buy my nuts at Costco or Trader Joe's or a wholesaler online.  Then I would stock up on dates from Costco as well.

One day while I was cutting another section out of our pan, I realized that I could probably roll the raw ingredients together and create a "cookie ball".  If I call it a cookie will my kids think its a cookie?  The answer was yes!

So these little guys are SO easy to make and they are incredibly healthy, tasty, and truly a protein power snack.  They curb my late afternoon cravings every time.  I can also include them in my kids lunch and they think they are getting a treat.  It's beautiful.  Now I am not the first person to come up with idea by any means, and you can still smash your ingredients into a cookie sheet and make bars, or you smash into a cookie cutter for shapes, or just roll dates in nuts, whatever you want.  Get creative.  Just remember, this the foundation recipe for you to add in your own personal taste, flavor, and imagination.  I also recommend going to the store and looking at different flavored snack bars to help get the creativity flowing.  Enjoy!

Protein Power Snack Balls/Raw cookie ball

1 cup nuts (I like using walnuts or pecans but cashew and almonds work great too!)

1 cup pitted dates

1/4 cup raisins (you could also use craisins, but I can't find any without added sugar)

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon flax or chia seeds

1/4 teaspoon salt

***Remember, this is the foundation/base recipe.  After this you can add either of the following to alter the flavor.  I don't recommend adding all these together, unless you like those fountain drinks where you add a little bit of every pop on tap.  That's just gross.  I'm just sayin.

2 Tablespoons of any of the following:

Coconut flakes

Sunflower butter

Almond butter

Applesauce

Pumpkin puree

Mashed Banana

Finely chopped Pear

Raspberry jam

Maple Syrup

In your food processor, finely chop the nuts.  Dump those in a bowl and add the rest of the dry ingredients.  Then add the date and raisins to the food processor and grind until it forms a ball.  Dump your date ball into the bowl.  Roll up your sleeves because the only way to get this combined is by using your hands. (I am automatically assuming you washed your hands, so I won't put that in here.)  Smash it all up till everything in said bowl is combined.

At this point, dump it on a cookie sheet and press it down till it is even and lying flat.  

OR

 

Take a small amount and roll it into a ball.  Put finished cookie ball into a glass container and when all the balls are rolled, keep them stored in an airtight container in the fridge.  Nuts get acidy when they are chopped and not refrigerated.

Enjoy!

If you have another great flavor, let me know so we can try something new!

Put good stuff in your diet, don't just take bad stuff out.

I don't know about you, but so often I think about the things I need to take out of my eating lifestyle to be healthier.  OK, in full disclosure, I don't just think, I obsess,  I can't have that piece of cake.  I shouldn't eat those fries. I can't have a bagel for breakfast, etc.  I don't even want a bagel for breakfast, but because I can't have it, I wan't it.  We have a tendency to see what we take out of our diet.  I heard once in a documentary called "Hungry for Change" that we should focus on adding items into our diets the things that are good for us.  We will fail less if we look at what we can include, instead of what we have to take out.

So as we look to ways to heal our bodies with food, let's take time to focus on adding some powerful key ingredients that will help boost our brain activity, weight loss, and energy.

NUTS
Where you can, and if you can eat them, add nuts.  Almonds and Walnuts being the most potent in Omega 3's and healthy fats and protein.  If you are used to the sugar almonds or roasted and salted, start small and take baby steps to replace them with raw and unsalted.  Move to just roasted and no salt and work your way up.  These can be added into granola, oatmeal, muffins, scones, green salads, fruit salads, ground them up and coat your chicken in it with GF oats or flour.  There is always room to add these healthy nuts into items you are already eating.  The best way?  Make a little mix of nuts and seeds and dried fruit and its a powerhouse snack in the afternoon.  Try to stay away from peanuts as there have been many studies that show that peanuts carry a very high mold content.  That contamination will then be transferred to your body, so leave it out and stick with the clean nuts.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nuts/HB00085
www.motherearthliving.com

When looking up the negative effects of eating nuts to see if there were any, the only thing that comes up is, don't eat them if you have an allergy, and eat them in moderation because of their fat content.  So if you can eat them, it kind of sounds they are perfect snack.
www.livestrong.com

I would like to point out however to stick to the healthiest nuts, walnuts, almonds, pistachios  cashews.  Try adding those in and limiting or eliminating peanuts all together.  More and more research is coming out connecting dangerous levels of mold in peanuts, so branch out and eat the safer nuts.

www.openeyehealth.com


COCONUT OIL
Here is an article out that you can read when you have time, or here or here is a great resource for all things coconut with all of its benefits.  Coconut oil is naturally sweet so you can easily replace it in recipes that call for oil.  Pancakes, muffins, cakes, etc.  This will add to the flavor and give you all the health benefits coconut provides.  If a recipe calls for butter, use coconut oil.  If you need to grease your pan to make pancakes, use coconut oil.  You don't have to do anything except use a different oil where oil is called for, how can it get any easier?!  You should know also that Olive Oil when heated it looses most of its nutritional value, but coconut oil does not.  So when you are going to start frying up your garlic or onions or whatever you are cooking, use coconut oil instead.

FLAX SEED OR CHIA SEEDS
There has been lots of research looking at the power of all the Omega 3's and 6's in Flax seed.  Maybe a seed you don't hear about as often is Chia seeds.  These carry even more of this fatty oil that our body and brain crave.  You can find these powerhouse seeds at local grocery stores, and even better at Costco.  I like having them on hand from Costco because I use them in everything.  They in no way alter the taste of the food I am making, but if I can give myself and my kids as much brain support as possible, than I'm gonna sneak it into everything.  Just throw a handful of these seeds into your muffins, scones, oatmeal, granola, smoothies, cake, brownies, cookies, granola bars, spaghetti sauces, pizza mixes, banana breads, soups, the possibilities are endless.  And its the easiest thing to just throw in a handful, you add so much nutrition without any effort.

Here is some info regarding Flax and Chia seeds:
http://whatscookingamerica.net/CharlotteBradley/Chai-Seeds.htm

http://www.washingtonian.com/blogs/wellbeing/healthy-eating/the-powerful-health-benefits-of-chia-seeds.php#.T0uszde1FBA.t

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/benefits-of-flaxseed

REAL SEA SALT -  This will be blue or pink.  If it's not, its not real salt.
Table salt as you are used to seeing it is an overly processed chemical that has stripped all nutrients out of real salt.  Our bodies need salt, what they don't need is the table chemical you add to your food.  Another incredibly easy way to improve what goes into your body is stop using regular table salt and purchase, REAL SEA SALT.  It's like the coconut oil, you aren't learning new things, or a new way of cooking.  You are simply switching out what you used to use for something that is significantly better for you.

What is the difference between table salt and real salt?  Here is some research on why you should make the impossibly easy switch.

http://www.realsalt.com/

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/HighBloodPressure/PreventionTreatmentofHighBloodPressure/Sea-Salt-Vs-Table-Salt_UCM_430992_Article.jsp

Eat your fruit.  Find ways to snack on it, include it in breakfast and lunches.  Eat it at a movie instead of popcorn.  Just try to increase your fruit intake one more serving than you are used to.

Eat more veggies.  Find ways to include it with your dinners and lunches or snacks.  Include it, include it, include it.  Choose a veggie over another unhealthy snack at least once a day.  Choose the veggies people, these are your life source.

I would encourage you as well though to try including one of these other ways.  These simple add in's are such a simple way to add health into your life.  To add nutrition.  To add vitamins.  To add energy.  To add brain power.

We all have to start somewhere.  And the only to start eating and taking care of your body the way you want to is by taking steps.  One step at a time.  Before you go all extreme on your diet and worry about failing, try adding in instead of taking out.  Bring the nutrition in.  Add the flavor and the health benefits into your diet.

Its a great way to start.

Its a great first step.

Hearty Gluten Free Granola

This recipe started from one of my favorite cookbooks called, Simply in Season by Mary Beth Lind and Cathleen Hockman-Wert.

It's not that sweet, but it hits the spot.  I have taken their basic recipe and added a little here and changed a thing or two there.  We eat it as a snack, but mostly we use it as our cereal.  When you can't have Gluten/Dairy/Corn/Soy/Sugar, cereal is around $6 a box.  We just can't do that.  Plus the bonus is that when you make your own cereal, you control what goes in it, and you keep the preservatives out.

Again, the way I approach recipes is to look at them like a base.  Here is your granola base, but think about what you like to eat, what your family likes to eat.  If you won't eat raisins, don't put them in.  On the other side of that coin however, is the idea to try to stretch your tastes, include items that you know are good for you, but you wouldn't normally eat.

HEARTY GLUTEN FREE GRANOLA

Preheat oven to 300 degree's
3 cups GF oats
1 cup GF flour blend, (I really like to use Coconut flour for its added sweetness)
1/4 cup coconut sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons of cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon of Sea Salt
1/4 teaspoon of ginger
Handful of Chia seeds or hemp seeds
Mix together in a large bowl.  Make a well in the center then add:

1/4 cup coconut oil
1/4 cup honey
1/4 milk
1/2 cup nuts or dried fruit (raisns, walnuts, pine nuts, sunflower seeds, coconut flakes, cashews, almonds, chopped dates, etc.)
Mix well and pour into a cake pan.  Place on middle rack in oven for 45-55 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.

* Adding the coconut sugar the first few times you make this will help in the transition of flavors.  Once you start enjoying homemade granola cereal, you can leave out the added sugar.

I always like to double this recipe because my kids like eating it so much, doubling up just means I have to make it less. Saving time and energy in the kitchen means to have more time and energy for my family.  So make it once, if you like it, always double it so you have it on hand.  Store in airtight jars or containers.

We love eating this with almond milk in the morning, or in the evening as a snack.

Enjoy!

20 days in

This blog post has no meat to it, its just a quick little update on our family.

I told you already that for the last 18 months, I have tried to adhere to the diet but would struggle every few weeks due to emotional baggage and years of bad stress habits.  I also told you that up until this point, Paul wasn't on the diet.  Many evenings, he cooked his own dinner because there just wasn't enough food for him.  He had his food, and we had ours.  Except when I would grocery shop and splurge and binge.

Well, it has been three weeks and we are doing awesome, all five of us going strong and sticking to it.

This is where I want to be real, I am so tired of people who change their eating habits and when they tell their story, it goes something like this, "I was so tired of trying every diet, but then I woke up one morning and juiced for 20 days and I feel awesome!  Life has never been the same since."  OK I get that, but they make it sound so stupid easy.  I hate that.

The last 20 days our bodies have been detoxing and its not always easy.  Most night Paul and I go to bed hungry.  We look at each other and say, "I want something to eat, but there is nothing to eat in the house. Do you want chips? I do, but I shouldn't have any."  Some days we eat them, some we don't.  Trying to break out of our habit of eating at night.  It's hard to be hungry.  When I am hungry I eat, kind of like how I just got done eating granola cause I was hungry!  It's hard to make that choice and stick to it.  Instead we will go to bed or we will work on one of our projects to keep busy and our mind off food.  It doesn't really work but we try.

The first two weeks I was craving sugar like there was no tomorrow.  Seriously, your body has to readjust to not having it, so it has to go through withdrawals.  To get through my withdrawals I would eat our fudge.  I would take small bites of it all throughout the day, or I would drink small glasses of OJ.  It's hard craving sweets.  Craving them so bad you can't think about anything else.  But every day you get through it, the next one is a little easier.  I can honestly say I don't really crave it anymore, but I want it out of habit.  Bad habits of rewarding myself with food, or I'm bored so I eat sweets habit.  Name the bad food habit and I have it.  But those are different issues to work through.

Paul has been very satisfied with three fried eggs and juice in the morning.  I drink a smoothie and a handful of almonds.  Paul has a hearty salad for lunch with our dairy free dressing and I have veggies and hummus, or  soup or guacamole with chips.  We have also had success with dinners that can serve everyone.  So far, no major disappointments or frustration with our restrictions from Paul, me or the kids.

The cravings are getting less.  The energy is getting higher, and we all just feel good.  Paul has lost almost 10 pounds which he is really happy with.  I am just happy to not be obsessing over my next fix.  Now I am not naive in my thinking.  I know I have months ahead of me to make sure I overcome all my hurdles.  But every time I go grocery shopping and I don't binge, I claim my victory and smile to myself.  Every time I conquer that, I change my deep rooted habits.  I have started taking my own creamer in my travel mug if I am going to a coffee shop to stick to my no soy rule.  Or I order tea.  It's been working.

One of the best parts is being honest with you.  I saw a tootsie roll in my purse, one of my absolute favorite candy, and I thought to myself, if I eat that, I have to tell you.  I'm not loosing to the tootsie roll.  That will not be the thing that breaks me.

So, thank you for walking this road with us.  Our little family is enjoying the deep benefits of healthy eating.  Our focus, our energy, our kindness towards each other is just a nice overall benefit to our lifestyle.

The roots underground

It's confession time.

There are quite a few things that come easy to me, and because these things come easy to me, I continue to do them, because then, *gasp*, I don't have to try very hard.  It's called shallow work.  (As I write this, I realize I am reflecting a lot on my speaking career.)

Math was a lot like this growing up.  I loved it and was good at it, until I wasn't.  Then I stopped taking elective math classes.  It became too hard.  I didn't want to have to work at because I had already gotten into AP math and that was already really good.  If I stopped then, I would always be a little better than average.

Putting only enough effort into life to stand out just enough to be noticed is really no way to live.  And yet, that is what I would do.  I like to do what I am good at, or what comes easy, and leave the rest behind.  I also think that being a product of an instant, immediate culture has played its role in creating this habit within my work ethic.  This year I started to really see that in myself.  I didn't like it.  I saw myself scattered with shallow work.  Shallow work that was good enough to impress people and reach them, but was never my best. 

(The above paragraph speaks to the fact that I can easily rise to the challenge of what I know a speaker looks like and sounds like, but is what I am giving people the voice God gave me?  Do I do what I do because it's what I have seen others do, or is what I give people the voice I have searched God and myself for?  I haven't taken that deep prayerful journey that includes challenging myself and giving God total control over my ministry.  If I end up in the same spot, it will be worlds richer because I took the long introspective road to find myself there, instead of just being there because I think I should be or because I don't know where else to be.)

I was throwing my efforts wide and trying to do a lot.  This effort resulted in me really being unhappy with what I was giving people.  My husband, my children, my friends, my audience, my ministry to Haiti.  I think I got addicted to the rush. To always moving and being involved and needed.  I always needed to be doing something. I was addicted to the fun of always changing directions.  To sounding busy and effective and giving the impression like I could do it all.  And it was fun.  And I was doing a lot, but none of it to its full potential.  It prevented me from every really being alone and knowing how to manage my time. If I was busy, then I didn't have to be alone and face myself, or my decisions, or my consequences.  If you remain busy and active, then there is less time to sit and dwell and create. To grow roots.  To dig deep.  To purge secrets and dark places.  To confess and face demons and be free.  The only thing you have time for is survival.

Well, I have time now and it scares me.  I have the time to dig deep.  I have the time to develop the root system to the things I am passionate about.  I used to come home from speaking at an event where incredible things happened and Paul would ask me how it went.  I would shrug and respond, "Good I guess, it just wasn't what it could be."  I wasn't really content or satisfied with what I was producing.  I knew it could be richer.  It all had so much potential.  Potential I wasn't allowing because I wasn't taking the time to walk the long road.  Time to peel back the layers of shallowness and get deeper and richer with my content, with my vulnerabilities   Taking an hour at a time to pray over one issue.  To seek God deeply about his design for my next stage, my next step in life.  The direction for my speaking career.

Well, I have started to walk the road in the last couple weeks.  Walking the lonely road of lots of reading.  Walking the long road of hours of researching and being richer for it, but having nothing to show for it.  I wash the dishes, and I have something to show for my efforts.  I write a blog and I have something to show for my time.  Growing deep roots, roots that are grounded in time, in effort, in creativity, in research, in prayer, in study, doesn't produce immediate fruit.  It's like my raspberry bushes.  They don't produce fruit until a couple years after you first plant them.  Are you kidding me?  That's torturer to me!  I can't believe I have to wait that long!  And yet, this is what I dream for with my ministry.

All of this continues to reveal how deeply rooted my identity is wrapped up in what I can accomplish.  If you know me at all, this comes as no surprise, but every time I think I have cleaned out that dark place, there is always something else to reveal that it goes just a little deeper.  I hate admitting this.  I  hate how elementary it sounds that I would struggle to know to know who I really am and where my worth and value comes from.  But even elementary, this dark lie seeps into so much of what our culture feeds us.

Being alone most days is hard for me.  It makes me feel invisible, and apparently I need to be seen to be worth anything. (now that is hard and embarrassing to say.)  In all those hours of the day, I am faced with the choice of how to spend my time.  How I spend my time produces fruit no matter what I choose.  I have decided to spend my time as of late walking the long road of digging deep into my faith.  Of reading scripture and books that encourage me and teach me.  I am praying more over who I am and what my voice was made for.  I am researching and talking with people about business and life and social issues.  People that challenge me and force me to think outside of my box.  I am digging deeper and putting the time into chipping away at what gift lies underneath all the issues.

It's exhausting and kind of scary.  It's hard to fight the demons of result based value.  But I persevere.  I don't want to waste my time or potential anymore.  One of my greatest fears has always been that at the end of my life, I would look back and see that I was too scared to live a life out loud.  I want a life that is courageous and deep, and real, and inspiring.  By not developing a deep root system, I realize how my life will drift away.  I don't want that.  I want an inspired life.  A deep rooted, authentic, rich life.  Time to dig deep I guess.

Hello 2013.  You kind of scare me, but I'm ready now more than ever. I am ready to walk the long road.

Simply Sugar Free Vegan Fudge

This fantastic recipe came from a dear friend Kristy Grannis, who has her own blog here.  I asked her where she found this recipe and said she couldn't remember.  Kristy and her family live with an even more extensive list of "can't eat" foods than we do, so I knew exactly what she meant when she said, "I don't remember. I probably saw a recipe some where and thought, I can change things around enough to make this something we can eat."  So she adapted, changed some things around, tested it and came up with this.

What I love about this recipe is that it is only three ingredients.  That's right people, THREE!!!!!  Seriously, how much easier does it get?

Now this fudge recipe is perfect on it's own, but it also serves as a great base for all sorts of different flavors and add ins.  The other great thing about this recipe is that is is wonderfully sweet, and there is no sugar, so when you are having those cravings, and huge need for something sweet, but are trying to eliminate processed sugar, this is the perfect go to quick snack.  Keep it in your fridge and you can cut yourself a little piece whenever you want to keep yourself from feeling deprived.  I think its key that when you are changing your eating lifestyle, you need to recognize that your body will crave what it knows.  You need to give it time to adjust to enjoying the way you need to eat.  That being said, give your poor self a break and find ways to help yourself along with treats and food that will get you through cravings and detox while sticking to your new lifestyle foods.  For example, when I am having a sugar attack, I drink a small glass of pure orange juice.  It may sound odd, but it totally works.  Then the less sugar I am consuming on a regular basis, the less the cravings come, and I drink less OJ.

This is also a great desert to serve to guests, add to a cookie tray, package up as a gift, put in your kids lunch box, you name it.  It's perfect.  And its THREE ingredients!  Yeah, probably still my favorite part.

So here you go, and enjoy adding more health into your life and removing refined sugar once treat at a time.

FUDGE - Vegan, Gluten and Soy free
(This is  your base.  Leave as is, or throw in some add on's.)

1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1/3 cup honey

Line a bread pan with wax paper or plastic wrap.  Melt your three ingredients in a saucepan.  Whisk till are ingredients are thoroughly combined.  Pour into lined bread pan.  Put melted fudge in the refrigerator.  It will be ready for cutting in 15 minutes.

(If you have never worked with coconut oil you should be!  It's so wickedly good for you.  But what you need to know is that when coconut oil is warm, it becomes a liquid.  When it is cool, it is a solid.  With that being true, you need to keep your  fudge in the fridge, if you want fudge.  Otherwise you just have melted chocolate oil.)

Now for the add on's:

Throw in a handful of nuts: walnuts, almonds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, cashews (cashews are probably my favorite..mmm...chocolate cashews.), coconut flakes

Try pomegranate seeds.  This is a fun addition because when you bite into pomegranate fudge, it has a juicy explosion in your mouth.  Its savory and sweet at the same time, its awesome!  Seriously, try it.

Try adding dried fruit; dates, raisins, mango, apricot, pineapple.  If you try some of these options, I would suggest leaving the cocoa out and then the fudge would be white.  Increase the coconut oil to 1 cup and puree in a blender.  The simple coconut oil and dried fruit would compliment each other really well.

Again, this recipe is a base for your imagination.  Another way to use this recipe is to pour the mixture over your add on's and scoop them onto wax paper to create clusters.  All the same ingredients, just presented in a different way.

So enjoy this recipe.  Enjoy the freedom of having a sweet treat to curb your cravings.  Having a sweet treat to give your kids without refined sugar.  Just enjoy!

Guidelines for the Joy Free diet

Sorry, this didn't post when I wanted it to.  If you have been waiting, I apologize for the wait.  If you don't care, glad to know I didn't disappoint you.

So if you would like to look at where our story started, and why we changed our diet, scroll down this page and look under the heading, "Life with food issues." There are lots of posts taking you more in depth, but  I won't rehash them here.

I will tell you up front that by changing our very normal American eating habits, we have kept one child, potentially two off medicine for ADHD, sensory issues and possibly emotional unbalance.  The other positive side effect is my mood swings, seasonal depression, lethargic behavior, frequent headaches and sporadic stomach aches have all gone away.  Also gone are the dark circles under my eyes, and the small red bumps on all of our arms.  In place of all that is missing is my constant enjoyment of my life, my kids, and my husband.  I have the energy to invest in my children's education, the organization of my home, my book and future speaking career.  With my new found energy, I have the will and commitment to getting up early, doing a light workout and spending amble time in prayer or reading the Bible.  This is most likely my greatest bonus.  For all the times I have longed, willed myself to get up, set my alarm and went back to bed, I now have the energy and focus to get up, and invest in my life this way.  I can't even find the words to express to you what this has meant to my sanity, my influence on my children, my relationship with the Lord, my husband.  It is deeply creeping into all of my dark places and replacing it with light.  All because I have the energy to get up and claim that gift every morning.

If we look at our life like a circle, I think a lot of us divide the circle up into a pie.  We cut a piece out and work on it.  We know and understand that our life has lost of different areas and we play lots of different roles (the pieces of the pie) so we approach our betterment like compartments.  In the new year we pick the piece of pie we want to work on and focus on it.  I want to craft more.  I want to serve more.  I want to eat healthier, or exercise more.  I want to go to church, or be in the word more.  I want to spend more time with my kids, or my friends.  I want to find a new job.  The list goes on.  But if we look at it as a wheel, then you can enter the circle at any point. But wherever you enter this cycle, you move forward and you touch each and every piece because you move fluidly through it.  It is a rhythm that is never ending, it is always moving, and it is whole.  Some would call it a holistic approach.  When you change one aspect of the cycle, that change effects all other aspects of your life.

This is what changing our diet has done for me.  It was entering the cycle at one point, but watching how it infected and changed all areas of my life.  Wow, let's get down to business now, and the whole point of this blog, to share with you our family guidelines.

So what exactly don't we eat in our house?  OK, here goes the list:
Gluten
Wheat
Dairy
Soy
Sugar
HFCS
Corn
White Potatoes
Shell fish
Pork
Peanuts

So when most people look at this list, they first wonder why.  Why can't you eat so many of these things?  Tomorrow I hope to provide you with some research into the big triggers.  The small items are personal to some of my children's body.

So what do we eat?  Easy;

Any vegetable
Any fruit
All nuts (but no peanuts) and seeds
Rice
Beans
Coconut
Honey
Eggs
Beef
Chicken
Fish (with the exception of shellfish)

This may not sound like a lot to you, but you really can do so much with these items, including baking.  With these restrictions, here is generally what our week looks like, food wise.

Breakfast:  Eggs in any form, scrambled, omelets, fried over spinach, baked with veggies.  During the week we limit ourselves to either eggs or oatmeal with a smoothie.  We eat GF oats, even though Oats are naturally GF, they are highly contaminated, so we just eliminate the  possibility and eat GF.  This makes mornings simple during the week and then the kids and I bake something yummy for the weekend mornings.  We either have coffee cake or muffin mush or scones and fruit or pancakes or french toast.  It makes those weekend items more special and we do it together.

Lunch: We have a variety of whatever is easiest that day.  Green Salad, egg salad, pasta salad, muffins with nut butter and Jelly, rice cakes with nut butter and jelly, soup, left overs, buttered noodles, veggies and hummus, a huge bowl of fruit salad with chips, rice chips with guacamole.  See there are lots of options.

Snacks: my kids take either a piece of fruit, a homemade larabar, or veggies for snacks.  When I am really tired and we have them on hand, they get a little bag of chips, but those are expensive so that is a treat.  Sometimes, they just opt out of a snack and wait till they get home.  Sometimes they take two honey sticks with them as a fun little treat.

Dinner: Again, here we have a wide range of ways to cook chicken, rice and veggies, we have sweet potato burgers, we have Stir Fry's, soups, salads, baked potatoes, hamburgers, risotto's in all flavors, homemade gnocchi, BBQ chicken, fried rice, Mexican rice, Lasagna.  I don't know, we just eat whatever we have in the house.

Desserts: Baked fruit, cake, pies, fudge, cookies.  All just like you, expect I make them all, without sugar, so my kids don't go crazy, we don't grave sugar, and they don't need treats all the time.

Our general rule is that we get one treat a day if mom or the kids remember.  But they have to remember at lunch time, because we don't have treats after dinner.  I figure your body has less time to burn it off before bed time, so its lunch time or no time. We have a treat maybe three times a week.

Another general rule for us to make breakfast and lunch vegetarian.  We allow 3-4 dinners a week to have meat.  I can talk about meat in another blog, but one I know to be sure, our bodies weren't created to take in the amount of meat we do.  We get lots of protein in our nuts, smoothies, veggies, and beans, so don't worry about us.

We also try very hard to include vegetables at every meal, yes even breakfast.  Find me one medically trained person who says we don't need to eat more vegetables.  The health benefits of this are incredible.  So even though they don't like it all the time, my kids know they have to eat them.  They don't have a choice.

We try to meal plan, but I'm not perfect at it.  We eat better when I do.  When I am too tired to cook, we have a bowl of GF pasta with garlic butter sauce.  That's our go to meal.  When Paul cooks, its chili or hot dogs.  Hot dogs without port or sugar or corn or nitrates cost about $6.99 for 7, so we buy them when they are on sale and stick them in the freezer.   They are our in a tight pinch, we really need something treat.  A lot of food that are convenience for others are very expensive for us, so those are extra special treat items here.

What I like about this, is my kids eat incredibly well because they don't know another way.  They also aren't offered a ton of options all the time that allows them to be picky.  They don't get special things to eat all the time, so they remain special and unexpected.

So that is where we are at.  And yes, I do make my own Ranch dressing, soy sauce, ketchup, BBQ sauce, caramel, hot chocolate, milk and nut butters.  If we didn't add sugar and corn syrup to everything, I wouldn't have to.   I will get you those recipes though, I promise.

Anyway, those are our guidelines by which we live.  Trying to find a balance between what all the experts say is the right way to eat, we are finding a good happy middle.

Good luck finding your happy place and way of eating that supports and takes care of your health.

A special young man

I know I promised all blogs about food this month, and I have SO much I want to say and share, but this blog needs to be written and then I will get back on track.

For people worried about where their next meal will come from in countries with limited resources, food and education are critical for survival.  Food being your one and immediate need.  You live day in and day out trying to work and scrape by to make enough money to pull together to share a meal with your family.  Education serves as your only key to making a life outside of poverty, in the hopes of surviving.  Without an education, there is extremely limited opportunity for acquiring a skill that is marketable for obtaining a job and thus making money to live, have shelter and purchase food.

It is this vicious cycle that hinges on the ability to acquire money.  Money for housing, money for food, money for protection, money for clothes, money for school.  You need to be able to go to school to qualify for a job to make the money that you need to go to school to get the job.  Where does one break into this cycle if they have no funds to acquire the education needed to obtain the job for the funds?  And if you have limited funds, which do you choose?  Your meal for the day or a school payment?  And if you choose school, can you focus and actually get an education if your stomach is crying out for nourishment?  And if you always choose the food, how do you ever break out of the hopelessness that poverty brings?  Which would you choose?

I met Tijean 8 years ago.

He was selling candy in the streets to help bring income into his sisters home.  We would visit with this bright eyed boy at dinner where our dear friend Gertrude would give him a meal before heading home for the day.  We have been friends ever since that first trip to Haiti so many years ago.  Since that first trip, Tijean held a very special place in my parents heart.  They sponsored him immediately to attend school.  Tijean was 14 at the time and entered the 3rd grade.  Being older than the other kids, Tijean refused to test out of the class and move ahead.  He hungered for knowledge and didn't want to miss anything.  In the years following, a bright eyed young boy turned into a deeply respectful young man.  When you meet Tijean, you can see in eyes there is something special about him.  He is smart and soulful.  Four years ago he was baptized on Jan. 24 with my parents on a work trip in Port Au Prince. Two years ago, Tijean and I went into business together to try to help raise funds to support his family and friends.  Because of Tijean's kind heart and his connection with the American work trips, many people know they can count on Tijean to help them when they need it.  I loved the idea of having bracelets to sell when I travel the country speaking and approached Tijean to make the bracelts for me.  We found the perfect answer to allowing him to focus on his studies and make some extra money doing something simple with his friends to provide work.  He buys all supplies in country so it also supports the local economy, and we pay Tijean top dollar for the bracelets.  It has been a really great parntership.

Tijean is the one on the left.

Four months ago, against all odds, Tijean was granted a school visa to the states.  This has been a dream of my parents for some time.  They were hoping that if Tijean could get here to the states and study at an American school, he could improve his English and learn American culture.  This would allow so many more doors to be opened for Tijean for work when he returns to Haiti.  This would allow him to provide financially for himself, his family and provide some work opportunities for his friends.

Tijean has  been here in the states for a couple of months.  He is staying with my folks just outside Detroit MI.  Tijean took his entrance exam to Macomb Community College and missed the passing score for English by just a couple of  points.  In order to stay in the states, Tijean must remain in school.  For the success of his future, he must be studying to stay here.  My parents have enrolled him at Wayne State University for this semester so that he can study English and get his GED.  Once this is accomplished, he can transfer over to Macomb Community and finish out his college degree.

I have shared this story with you because my folks and Tijean need you.  This is a $10,000  education at Wayne State until Tijean can transfer to Macomb where it is significantly cheaper.  He has to stay in school in order to have the future that only a few can dream of in his situation.

So, even as I write this, I understand that there are thousands of stories like this, or worse or closer to your heart.  That you can turn on the TV or radio or computer and hear about desperate need here in the states and abroad.  I understand that money is tight for everyone.  That everyone wants their hand in your wallet.

BUT, as I prayed last night, if this story reaches a part of your heart in anyway, or if you feel any compassion towards this young man who has a chance to change his story, you can make a difference in his life.  You can make his dream come true and change the outcome of not just his life, but also that of his family and friends.  Your funds would change the future of a young man who dreams of taking his education back to Haiti and making a difference.

As I spoke to my father, I could hear the passion and dedication he and my mom have for seeing this through, however, this is an incredible amount of money to bear alone.  If you would like to support Tijean's journey, you can write a check out to Hope for Haiti and mail it to: 38861 Lakeshore Dr. Harrison Township, MI 48045.  This is my parents non-profit organization that was started to help those in need in Haiti.  When you write a check to Hope for Haiti, make sure to write in the memo that the funds are for Tijean's school.  This story is close to my heart, and I wish I had the right words to express the joy of knowing what this opportunity means to Tijean and his future.  Sharing in this financial opportunity is an investment in the future of Haiti.  It is his way of breaking out of the cycle of poverty and improving his life.   Please know that any donation is greatly appreciated and welcome.

Thank you for your time in listening and sharing this story with others.

If you are connected with me or the Haiti Mission Project and wonder why donations aren't accepted on our behalf, the HMP deals with funds going directly to Haitians in Haiti working for other Haitians.  This need falls outside of boundaries.  Boundaries that were created to protect the funds we receive.  Hope for Haiti is a wonderful organization doing amazing work in Haiti and one we fully support.

The Food Journal Project

So I confessed much to you yesterday and it feels good to be starting a brand new day.  My rhythm, however, is that I can have much success with my first few days/weeks, and then I falter.

Since I have laid my insecurity and weakness bare to you, I can also tell you that my husband, who is the biggest Texas meat and potato lovin man I have ever met, has started on our diet as of Jan. 1.

Here is a photo of my handsome man and me at Christmas just a couple weeks ago by our tree.

We have had over a year and half of changing our mindset around food.  Always striving to be healthy eaters, it was a whole new idea and hard concept to wrap our head around what gluten/wheat, casein and sugar does to our bodies.  We watched in awed silence as our son came back to us, but even more so, after months of being on the diet, we would watch the transformation happen right before our eyes as his whole personality changed when Big would eat something off his "Stay away from" list.  Big was the reason we started the diet, but we have seen the immense benefit to all of our health by eating the way we do.  All except Paul.  We have spent many hours talking about the changes in me when I adhere to our "joy free" diet.  We both experience how I speak more gently, I have more patience with the kids, I don't seem so down all the time and struggle to be motivated.  I'm not so easily angered and my emotions don't swing so much.  I am not as easily offended, and I find joy in so many more things.  I actually enjoy so much more of my life, and the kids sense it too, and it improves their behavior as well.

I had told Paul once that I would love for him to try being on board with our lifestyle for a few months.  Paul also struggles with many of the same things I do, being lethargic, mood swings, discontentment, depression, anger, sugar cravings, you name it. I was curious to see, since all of our children have issues with food, as do I, would Paul find the same kind of freedom and joy that we have?   I had this dream of wondering to what extent our home could experience peace and joy if we all fueled our body the way it needed.  If our bodies weren't at war with itself, then they would have time to heal themselves and there would be more time for joy and understanding.  I know that this many sound crazy to you, but even after one week of cutting gluten/dairy/sugar our of our diet, I have experienced already a change in my behavior and attitude.  This is not to say that I don't get frustrated, or that Paul and I didn't have a small fight last night.  What I am saying is the way I handle myself, feel about myself and others is completely different.

I say all of that to say this, our eating and food lifestyle over the next month or so will become my blogging project.  Though I am not an expert by any means, many have come to me seeking advice, recipes, tips, information, websites, and resources.  So even though I have always blogged about many different things, and most likely, there will still be a fun and  random post thrown in, my focus for the next month will be sharing with you what I have learned in regards to food and resources.  I will share our menus, recipes, websites, tips and encouragement.  I will be forthcoming and honest about where we are at as a family, and keep you posted on our progress.

Before I move on tomorrow with more specifics, I need to make one thing abundantly clear.  Food is not my salvation, nor the way in which I fulfill living in the fruits of the Spirit.  I deeply believe that God is the one who heals our bodies.  He is the one who gives knowledge and insight and wisdom in how to take care of ourselves.  What I also believe is that he knows our bodies better than we do.  We knows what it takes to fuel it, make it work, but more than just make our bodies exists, he knows how to make us thrive.  Eating an all natural, no processed diet gives us the ability to receive all these gifts.  To live in a way where we are more open to his leading.

I have more thoughts on that later, but I just wanted to give you an insight in what I will be blogging about over the next month.  I am not your expert, but I am your doorway into resources that can help.

Please feel free to ask questions, correct me, or share what you know.  I want this to be a place where people can find good, truthful information about how we take care of our bodies and thrive in our lives.  Please join me this month and be encouraged.  We can all start over.

Confessions of a food addict

I have to say up front that I have an eating dysfunction.  This is different than an eating disorder.  A disorder is a disease that you can't stop yourself.  You need intervention and outside help.  I may see the line, but I never cross it.  I just like to get real close, let it control me for awhile, then step in and reclaim my life.  But I have been on this crazy roller coaster, my whole life and I need to call it like I see it and own it.

I use food as my reward, my consolation prize, to fill time, because I had a bad day, because I can, because I did stuff for everyone else today and eating this cake is for me, because I am sad, I am lonely, I am anxious, I am happy, I am angry, I am depressed.  It has become my habit to eat when the kids are sleeping in the afternoon and at bed time.  I eat when I am alone, and when I am at a party because I will start my diet tomorrow and I never get to eat this kind of fun food.  I eat because I am in front of the TV and because I worked out, now I can have a treat.  I eat to reward myself and to punish myself.  I keep eating once I have fallen of the band wagon, because well, I am already off the band wagon.  Sometimes I eat till I hurt because then maybe I'll stop, because I can't stop on my own.  I will eat the whole box of cookies because you can't leave any in there, because then I'll just eat them tomorrow and I am starting a new diet tomorrow, so I'll eat them all today.  I'll eat after dieting for 4 day's because I DIETED FOR FOUR DAYS!

Food has become my response to everything.  It is my idol.  It is what I think about all the time.  Trying to avoid it or overcome it or resist it.

When I say this, I can already hear the comments, "It's that way for everyone.  You aren't the only one.  So many people struggle with the same thing.  It's normal."  Even if all those things are true, I don't want that to be my normal!  First of all, having idols is against God's design for our lives.  It's actually the first of the big 10, "Have no other God's before me."

I say this to you because over the last year and half, as my family has radically changed their diet, I told you that I was committed to our healthy eating lifestyle.  I made the change because I believe in supporting our children.  I have also come to realize much about the food we consume, and have come to understand that this is truly the way we were intended to fuel our bodies.  We really shouldn't be eating any other way.  I didn't want my children to feel alone, and so I made the change.  Things went really well for the first few months, and then I started to struggle.

Because I am a normal human being with struggles and emotional baggage and I'm not perfect.  I can't  tell you how many diets, or new eating plans I have lived through.  The hard thing with this was it was supposed to be a forever change.  Then life happened and my coping mechanism is to eat donuts from the store when I  go grocery shopping.  My poor eating habits have years and years of deep rooted patterns.  I can't just erase them because I want to.

One thing I have realized is that once you cheat, the promise is broken and it becomes insanely easy to cheat again.  Then add to that, friends and family, all meaning well, saying "well, you can have the Lasagna  it's just your kids that can't really eat it.  Well, you can eat this cake, this cheese, this, fill in the blank,"  It's all the encouragement a food addict needs to fall or stay off the band wagon.

And so it has been a long year and half.  It has been far from perfect and has had many ups and downs.  It has had its success' and it's tragic failures.  I will go a month or two at a time and then hit my emotional wall and fall.  My biggest struggle has been feeling like a fake, a liar and a cheater.  I have felt this way with my children and also with you, our support system, because I haven't been totally, truly honest.  I am sorry for that.  I am sorry for deceiving you and keeping my struggle from you.

You may think this post is unnecessary, but I have voluntarily invited you into our lives and I have intentionally led you to believe one thing, while living a different way.  I am telling you now because I want to be done with the lie, the lie of omission.  I want to invite you into my struggle to pray for me and encourage me.

I am also inviting you into this because now that I have exposed myself, I am asking for help.  I don't want to cheat anymore.  I want you to offer me things I shouldn't eat, but I need you not to.  I desire with my whole heart to eat this way for good, from this point on.  I wish I could explain to you the difference I see in myself when I eat a vegetarian, all natural diet.  My ability to love my family, my patience level, my understanding increases and my anger, depression and frustration and lethargic behavior greatly decreases.  It feels like by just changing my diet, I possess the potential to be the person I dream I can be.  I want the best version of myself for me, my husband and my family.  I deeply, desperately want this to be a lifestyle change and never go back.

Another little tid bit for you is that Paul has committed to eating according to the diet till April 15.  This is a whole family affair now and we need you.  We are five days in and having wonderful success.  Yeah, yeah, I know, it's only five days, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for walking with us.  Thank you for believing in us.  Thank you for praying for us.  We need you.

Update:  I thought I should let you all know that my issue with food can't just be solved by changing my diet with will power.  I believe in the Spirit of God being able to transform my heart and my habits.  A friend of mine and I are starting a wonderful God centered food redemption program called, "Thin Within".  This is a program that focuses on God being the center of your life and when tempted with food you turn to God for help and strength and wisdom.  This is truly the only way to find freedom.

Believing the lie part 2

So everything I wrote yesterday in this blog was true.  But there was more to say.  There is more to say because sometimes when we don't speak up, speak out, say what we need to say, or essentially live our lives, there could be other things at work as well.

We can remain silent in words and actions, living quietly hoping that no one sees us because are afraid to be ourselves.  When we allow others to control our decisions, we have handed them power over our lives.  I don't speak up because I believe you think my thoughts are simple, silly and non important.  I choose not to act because I have given you the power to silence me.  You have become my authority, my master, dictating what I say, when I say it, and how I act or behave.

As a Christian I believe I serve one master.  Well, let's be honest, scripture speaks to only being able to serve one master, as a normal human being, I have not perfected this.  My goal is to try and rededicate myself every day to the one opinion that matters, God's.

After I wrote yesterday's blog, I heard from a friend who confessed to also struggling with these same thoughts.  She heard God speak to her, "just write".  It reminded me of the first time I spoke publicly as a professional.  It was in front of 800 junior high students and I was terrified!  Terrified enough to cry continuously, confess constantly at my lack of being ready, and fear that I had made a huge mistake.  I readied myself that day repeating this mantra  "If one child hears how deeply they are loved by God, then that is why I came.  Just one child."

And then it was as clear as if God was standing right next to me.  I heard him say, "I don't care if all 800 of these students walk away not getting anything.  I brought these 800 students here for you.  I wanted you to trust me.  I wanted you to follow me, and start this journey.  I brought them here so you would say yes to me and trust me to walk you through this."

We so easily forget that we only have one small piece of the puzzle.  That God in his infinite wisdom and direction is doing many things in our lives and in the world all at the same time.  We are but one small piece of the masterpiece.  But our piece is important and our voice is needed.  Our voice and our life is needed because God does work that we do not see when we live our lives trusting him.  I may think what I do is small compared to so many others working to fight AIDS, Hunger, Poverty.  I get down on myself and believe the lie and stay quiet.  Then Satan wins, and I don't play my part.  We aren't supposed to know the effects of each of our actions, we are just supposed to live and trust God to work.  When we stay silent we harden our hearts to the kind of love and trust and faith that God has so sacrificially given to us.  We say no to the greatest gift ever given.

The last thing that really struck me as I was thinking about that post, was how easy it is to live quietly.  I think many people, including myself, are scared to live big lives.  Lives that are full of real strong opinions, or lives that take risks and chances.  Lives that pursue dreams or stand up for what we believe in.  It is terrifying to put yourself out there.  When you put yourself, your thoughts, your opinions, your beliefs, your heart, your soul out there, you leave yourself open for judgement.  Now everyone can really see you, who you are, what you are about. They will see all of you, not just the clean version of yourself you portray to everyone.  Living a big life doesn't mean starting the next big thing that will change the world, it simply means being the truest version of yourself you can be.  It means trusting your voice.  Loving yourself.  Living for God.  That is living a big life, and that my friends can be terrifying.

So there isn't just one lie to believe to keep you chained down, your heart hidden away, dreams tucked in your childhood treasure box.   There are many lies, many fears to fight through to have confidence in your voice, your life, your faith, your heart.

Let's fight the lies my friends.  Let's slay the dragon and move on.  I don't know about you, but I need more alive people in my life, and I can wait for someone else to start, but that would just be another lie.

It starts with you.
It starts with me.

You have a voice.
I have a voice.

Taking time to pray

I believe in quiet prayers.   Prayers that only reach the heart and ears of the God who made you.

But never underestimate the power of praying out loud.  Not only does God hear those prayers, but other important  hearts and ears hear them too.

I think it is critically important that we as Christian parents pray with our children.  I don't just mean your standard meal time and bedtime and morning prayers, or even the Lord's prayer.  I mean, plain speech, talk to a friend, share what's on your heart prayers.  This is one of those of things that we could do from the very beginning with our children.  This way it is never a taught skill, it is a natural form of communication and one they understand, because they have never been without it.

This isn't about passing along religion to our children.  This is about teaching them how to be in a relationship with the Lord.  How to share your heart with him.  Your fears, your joys, and just the every day musings of your mind.

The best part of praying together as a family, out loud, is first, you and your children will grow comfortable praying in front of people.  So many people, even life long Christians, get nervous praying in front of others.  Praying together as a family will help all of you get more comfortable praying out loud in front of others.

Second and most important, you get a direct line straight into the heart and inner thoughts of your children and spouse.  There are many days where our lives are filled with day to day chores, responsibilities and adventures.  You have seen your family, shared laughs with them, frustrations with them, and then when the day is over, you crash into bed.  Days can go by without a true, real connection.

Tonight at bedtime, I was abundantly blessed.  We read our stories, we sang our songs, we said our prayers.  But I wanted us to pray together as a family.  We don't do it every night, and even tonight, I was tired and ready to just be done, finish the dishes and crawl into bed.  But the Lord was nudging me.  "Create the habit. Talk to me", I heard.  And so I said, "Big, what do you want to pray for?"

Big, "God, I pray for our friend Ms. Inga.  I pray God that you would heal her hurt head.  That you would take away her headache.  God I pray that you would help make Kieran and Michael big helpers to Inga so that she can rest, and they would take care of her.  Amen." (I don't think I actually told the kids my friend was ill, they overheard it in a phone conversation.)

Middle, "God I pray for cousin Ryan that you would take away his cancer and he would be all better so he could be with his family.  Make him not sick anymore. (We haven't spoken about Ryan in the last couple weeks, so this touched me very deeply.)  And please God heal mommy's toe so that it won't hurt or fall off.  (I broke my toe last week, but it has no real threat of falling off.)  Amen.

Little, "God I pray for Inga's head. Make it better. See that mama, I prayed for Ms. Inga too! Amen.  (she is a work in progress, but nothing is sweeter to my ears than then sound of small children praying)

Paul then prayed for me that I would not get overwhelmed with chores.  He praised God for the work I do around the house and taking care of our home and our children.  I love nothing more than having my children hear their dad pray to the Lord, especially as he prays for their mom.  I love that my husband did that, and that my children heard that.

I prayed that my children would desire God on their own.  I prayed for wisdom.  I prayed that God would continue to be the final authority in our home and a few other things.

This kind of blessing doesn't happen every day in our home.  But what it reminds me of, and why I share it with you, is to serve as an encouragement.  That we would pray with our children so they can hear our hearts and we can hear theirs.  So that we all know that even though mom and dad have authority in the home, we are all under God's authority.  That our children would hear our confessions and seeking God's forgiveness, communicates to them that we aren't perfect and need God desperately as well.  We get to hear what our children's inner thoughts are, which allows us to serve them and help them more effectively.

My hope and desire is that we would each be encouraged and take the time to pray with our children.  Nothing is more important, and I promise you will be blessed.

Believing the lie

I have kept to myself quite a bit these last few weeks.  I know some of the reasons, which I will write about tomorrow in a new series of blogs for January titled, "The Food Journal".

One reason is that when it comes time to pull out my computer and work, I would rather sit on the couch with Paul and hang out, or sew, or clean, or cook, or read, or sleep.  Lately I am not that interested in being on the computer, I would rather just do life.

Another reason, which is most likely the biggest reason, is I have let myself live in the lie that my voice doesn't really matter.  We live in a time when everyone shares every thought they have.  There are more blogs and articles out there on the internet than there are stars in the sky.  Seriously?!  Who needs my two cents about my family, our life, food issues, crafts, sewing, traveling.  I am an expert in none of these things so why tell you how we wrapped our presents this year, or what we had for dinner.  I can point you to other great blogs already doing and communicating those things already.

When it comes right down to it, the statement in my head is "Who really cares? Why would I write that?  No one cares.  Everyone is already saying all those things, you don't need to say it too. We as a family or me as a speaker don't do things the best way, we just do it our way."  Even writing this makes me anxious because I think its silly.

And so I don't write.  I keep my thoughts to myself.  I get down on myself and belittle my voice.  This angers me the most because it is part of the reason I travel the country speaking to youth and young adults.  I believe that every voice matters.  I deeply believe that when we share our thoughts and hearts and ideas, amazing things happen.  You have no idea what might inspire someone else.  And so I never want to hear students say they don't matter, or that their life isn't that important.

I won't accept those words from others, but its so easy to accept them for myself.  This here in lies the problem.  So often we can believe in others more than ourselves.  I can believe that God's grace is for others, but not for me.  I can believe that others can loose weight, but not me.  I believe that others can be forgiven, but not me.  I believe others can make a difference, but not me.

I wonder if it's because when we believe in ourselves the way God see us, we know our lives would be different.  We would be inspired, and moved to make a difference.  Our lives would be more intentional and we would be held accountable to the things we believe.  We would actually believe in ourselves and the things we say and do would matter.

Most of the time it is just easier to believe the lie.  When we believe the lie that we don't really matter, we are off the hook.  We aren't challenged, we aren't dedicated to a more fulfilling existence.  We can just get by, because we don't see that others see us.

So today I try to stop believing the lie.  I believe that when we share our lives with people, our souls feel connected and great things happen.  This blog has revealed to me a deeply rooted issue I wasn't ready to face, my own self value.

And so my road to reclaim my value and believe in God's stamp on my life begins again today.  My voice and my life matter, and so does yours.  Don't believe the lie.

Have a blessed and wonderful day.

Our Advent Calendar

I heard from a friend who mentioned that she loved our advent calendar, but wasn't able to do it last year.  She has been waiting since last Christmas to do it!  I love that, so I decided to re post it again here.  I just hung our mittens yesterday, so we are getting ready too.

Enjoy!

The Tietjen Advent Calendar