Right of Passage

I had spent the better part of the last few months mourning my son going to school. I have been sad to start this new stage of our life. The stage where he spends more time away from home than at home. The stage where we increasingly get busier and I just become the driver. I'm not ready for this. (cause it's all about me right?)

Then I had a very good friend of mine ask if I was going to have talk with Big about starting school. It got me thinking about rights of passage and how we are one of very few cultures that actually transition their young men and women to the next stage of life.

I know this sounds really early, but my husband and I had been talking for some time about what that looks like for us to create these moments in our children's lives. Moments that they can look back on and say, "On this weekend, my dad took me on a special trip and we talked about what it means to be a man of God." Things along these lines.

We wanted to do a small version of this when our children start school. This is a significant moment of time. A time in their life when everything changes. There become other significant players in our children's lives. We wanted to take the time to remind them who they are. What does it mean to be a Christian in a non christian world? What do you do when something someone else does bothers you? Who do you tell? What do you say? These are just the beginning of the things we wanted to touch on in our special evening with Big.

If you read my previous post, you will know that Big ate candy he isn't supposed to have. We thought yesterday was going to be the day we saw the side effects.

We were wrong.

Today would be the day.

The last time Big ate a whole plate of pasta when he wasn't supposed to, he became a CRAZY angry person. This time he had five jelly beans. I never thought our kid was ADD. Today, I thought, if I didn't know any better, I would medicate him.

Holy Cow. Couldn't sit still, couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop running, couldn't stop touching everything in the store. He just couldn't stop!

So Paul and I started our time with Big taking him to the store to get his backpack for school. A special outing to signify his new adventure.

Here's big with his backpack of choice. He prefers the over the shoulder. We almost walked away with a pink princess one, but he told me I should get it and hold on to it when I missed him. We left it at the store.



After we got Big his spiffy new backpack, we headed to the Co-op for a special treat and took it to the sculpture gardens. It was about 65 degrees outside, not really ice cream weather, so we ate the icr cream in the greenhouse. Big choose green tea ice cream, so he got his own. No one wanted to share with him.



While eating ice cream, Paul and I started to chat with Big about the responsibility of school, being a child of God, what to expect, and how mom and dad were there for him. We also affirmed all the things we love about him and what his gifts are. I am pretty sure all of this was lost on our child who only cared about watching the chipmunk that made his way into the greenhouse. Remember the ADD kid? This was the wrong day to try to implant knowledge into our son.

Paul was trying so hard to turn this afternoon into what we had imagined, and it just wasn't working. We had to keep laughing about it, and keep trying.

After we chatted a little and ate some icrecream, we ventured out to the gardens to walk around. OK, let's be honest, Big ran and climbed everywhere, and Paul just chased him around, trying to wear him out.

This little moment was a rare one today because they are walking.



After we walked for a little bit, and played, Big really had to use the bathroom. The only one we could find was this one.



So we sent our kid over, he did his business and climbed himself over once again. Paul and I had our whole story worked out for the police in case they should happen to arrive.

After our restroom break, we sat our little china man down, Big is going to Chinese Immersion school on Thursday. It was time to pray over Big. I love praying over my kids and them getting an opportunity to hear what is on my heart in regards to them. This was special because Paul prayed first and then I got to pray over our little man. Prayers for wisdom, courage, strength, joy. Prayers for Big, his friends, his teachers. Prayers for Paul and I and God's wisdom in our lives and discernment in raising Big. I felt so good our prayer time.

Before the Amen was even complete, Big was up and starting to run away to play in the sculptures. Paul and I just shook our heads.

We had all sorts of plans for our special time. I clearly had many expectations of how it was going to go, how spiritual it would be, and the wisdom we would pass on to our child. i felt like none of those things happened.

But we did have a good time. We had some great conversation, and before Big starts school he will have a special bracelet to wear everyday to remind to whom he belongs.

Big was reminded that he is a child of God and that God will use him to bless others at his school. That he can be a witness to all those who he encounters.

It was our first rights of passage, and hopefully we get a LOT better at this because this one felt a little ridiculous.

So apparently a plate of gluten makes my son crazy angry. A few sugared candies gives him crazy energy. Both of which happen two days after eating it.

Good to know.

If you've never prayed a heartfelt prayer over your child, I encourage you to do so. It is a very rewarding, riching experience, I would assume for the child as well.

A little insight

These last few days during my devotion time, God has been putting cracks in my composure and breaking down my sense of control. I have wept this last week confessing to God my fears, doubts, and insecurities as a person, a mother, a wife and a friend. I have confessed to God that I don't even know what to pray but that I am weary of the battle. The battle of mistrust. The battle for control.

Prayer this week has lifted my burden and I have felt peace.

Until today.

Today I worked all day on preparing food for big's birthday party. He turned six today. Tomorrow we celebrate with friends Green Lantern style. We are having BBQ Chicken Bites, corn on the cob, potato salad, green smoothies, guacamole and chips, green fruit Kabobs and Cake balls. All of this will be homemade to adhere to our family diet. The diet that was started because of Big, but followed through because it the best choice for our family. BBQ sauce's main ingredient is ketchup, but to have ketchup without sugar, we make our own. We started with homemade ketchup, moved to BBQ sauce from scratch, cake, frosting, potato salad, and guacamole all from scratch. It was a big day in the kitchen, but I love doing it for my kids. I love what it means for them, I love their help in the kitchen and all around its a good ole time.

Then Middle came in with a treat that his friend from outside gave him. I told him he couldn't have it, but offered him a treat he could have. That is when he informed me that Big did have the treat.

I was a little stunned. Big is so good about saying no, and knowing what he can and can't have.

I went outside and saw the treat in question was jelly beans, and so I asked Big to open his mouth and there I smelled the jelly beans and could see the remains in his teeth.

I was stunned.

I was speechless.

Two weeks ago I accidentally gave Big regular noodles when I thought they were rice noodles. The effects of that lasted for three days. I cried, we yelled, we fought, Big was possessed once again and was screaming and loosing control. He was defiant, disobedient, he would dig his heels in and fight me on every turn.

This is what happens when he eats what he shouldn't.

Now on the day before his party, he ate what he wasn't supposed to. I was heartbroken. I had just spent the whole day cooking and baking and trying new recipes, all to help my son live life to the fullest.

Now he had poisoned himself. I know what's coming and I am weary to think of it. The attitude, the fights, the irrational behavior, and I know he can't help it. It's like something else takes over his body.

I couldn't believe how much I felt broken. How devastated I felt. I have changed everything. EVERYTHING! And still I ultimately can't control what he eats.

It has to be his decision.

And I get it. I truly do. I want things I shouldn't eat, don't we all? I mean come on, most of us don't have discipline when it comes to food we should and shouldn't eat, and here I am asking my son to never give in. Ever. But the problem comes in that eating what he shouldn't, my son changes our whole family dynamic. It is tense, angry, and frustrating. I don't like what it does to my relationship with my him. But I get wanting to eat what everyone else is.

Here is why I ended up weeping on more than one occasion today.

For all that I do to help my child, he has to make the choice himself. What that does mean is that I am looking at years of not knowing when he choose poorly. Our whole family will suffer when he does. My response to him and our interaction is strained and angry and I don't want to live like that. But again, the choice s not mine.

While feeling the weight of those words, God slowly spoke to my heart.

Here he is, investing in us. Giving to us. Blessing us. Teaching, training, correcting, loving and sacrificing for us. Giving us everything he has for our betterment. For us to have fulfilling life. Yet, ultimately we have to choose him every day and what he offers us. When we choose the things in our lives that hurt us, it also hurts Him and our relationship with Him. The things that everyone else has. The stuff we want even when we know its not good for us. And then that stuff, the TV, the addictions, that one relationship, food/drinks, popularity, whatever that thing is that hurts us that takes us from the loving arms of the one who made us.

We hurt him and our relationship with him when we choose things over him.

This road of being allergy free seems longer to me today. I lost more control today. God stripped me of it and reminded me of my place and His place in my son's life. This will happen again, and we will be there to deal with it. Live through it, and hopefully learn from it.

I just need to figure out how to love myself and my son during these times when we will be tested.

God has granted me a small insight into the depth of his love and desire for us.

I am thankful to know a piece of his heart that I did not before.

But truthfully, I wish it didn't demand so much from me. I will wrestle with that next week.

Homemade in the city

Today was a great day, and I tried to document in photo's to share the joy.

This morning I took the kids with a friend of mine and her son downtown to the Minneapolis Farmers market. We were in need of some produce that doesn't grow in our garden. A little crazy with wired kids running around downtown.



Here is a look at all the great things we got, and yes that is a lot of fresh ginger, garlic and plantains.



And this was a treat for me. I couldn't resist the deep enticing colors. I split them between three vases and placed them around my house.



After we got home, another friend of mine came over with two little girls that she nanny's. We had planned to walk down to the cemetery to pick crab apples to make homemade sugar free jelly. I have read that crab apples make the best jam. I know what you might be thinking, that I took my kids to the cemetery to pick apples, but the apple trees line the perimeter of the grounds and there are over two dozens trees that are free for picking. Otherwise they would just go to waste.

(mmmm....food going to waste, and so you make the most of it. Sounds like my previous post, and there I was in a place of judgement and now I stand in the same place. Funny how God works those things.)

When you read this it sounds like it was a really great fall day, but I have to be honest, today it hit 95 degrees and because of the humidity if felt more like 115. We walked these kids more than 8 blocks and forgot to bring water. I know. Rock star mama. We stopped at business office, yes of the cemetery to see if we could get a drink of water. The men working were so kind looking at us drenched in our sweat dragging the kids inside. They did want to know why we had a step ladder walking around cemetery. My first thought, was OH CRAP he's gonna tell us we can't pick the apples. I kept thinking, most of the time I live by the philosophy, do now and ask for forgiveness later. This wasn't going to work this time. So I fessed up and told the truth with my most sheepish look and asked if that would be OK. They said of course, that's what their there for.

Then I thought, why have I been dragging my kids down to the apple orchards every year and paying a pretty penny to do this when I can go 8 blocks and do it for free?

Regardless, we had a great time! Here are my boys on the step ladder, working together to get the apples.



Middle was a very hard worker and very slow to find the right apples.



He couldn't reach most of the them, so I stepped in to help.



Little was the one in charge of inspection. She got fired after she kept eating the ones she got.



We thought we should get a photo of all the kids and all the apples they helped pick. One whole bucket full! That's a lot of crab apples.


And no, Big doesn't need the helmet, he just likes it.

Here's a close up of all the kids hard work. And Cassie and helped too!



On our way home, we walked and watched cop car after cop car scream by us, block of roads and patrol our area. We joked about how we were trying to be all farmer like and harvest food and make things homemade, but we totally live in the ghetto. The contrast was very striking today. Live where your planted right?

On our way home, still dripping in sweat, we decided to walk through the park. The park boasts a really great wadding pool. We decided to all jump in with our clothes on and cool off.


Or just stick your head in.

The baby was enjoying playing on the seal!



The best part was dripping wet from the pool and walking home to dry off. Once we got home, we were hot again and refreshed ourselves with cucumber water and fruit Popsicles.





After a rest, the boys manned up and helped seprate the good apples from the bad apples. Considering the kids picked the apples, I was pretty impressed how many good apples there were!



After the apples were sorted, we decided to try our hand at our first batch of jelly. Most jelly uses a 1 to 1 ratio of water/juice to sugar. We don't eat sugar so we decided to try a little honey instead. Instead of using all our apples and trying a new recipe with all of our spoils, we only used four cups of apples. We boiled them up, and then mashed them.



After we boiled four cups of apples, we got about two cups of juice to start our jelly. We added one cup honey and let it boil for another 10 minutes. It seemed to have worked, so we put it in a jar, and stuck in the fridge. We'll let you know how it turned out. We have a huge bowl of apples waiting for a recipe that works. If you have any tips, just let me know. We have no idea what we're doing. We just wanted to have fun.

tension

I believe all we have is the result of what God has given us. He is the giver of all good things, and the one responsible for all we have. What we have been given is ours to share with those around us. What we have been blessed with, we use as a blessing to others. I believe this with my whole heart.

Then, there is the side of me that really struggles as I watch the the neighborhood kids play rough with our swing set. Take bits of it apart and damage it. I watch them come to our backyard and grab the scooter to ride it without asking. I watch them walk right through our front door without knocking and look at me and say, "I wanted to play with the skateboard." The first thing out of one of the kids mouth on our block is, "Can I have some apple slices or peanuts and raisins?"

It's just take, take, take. Then I am robbed of the blessing of giving. It starts to turn my heart cold and distant because I don't feel seen as a person. Who we are and what we posses gets taken advantage of. What's even harder is I know that this may be the only time this kid gets fruit for the day, and I want to bless him with that, but my attitude has been hard to deal with lately.

It was interesting after the tornado, everyone was taking. Wires down? Take them and get money for it. Metal, copper, fences, wood, you name it, people were coming in to take it and get what they could for it. I understand this place. You have to fight for every thing you have and if you aren't fighting for it, than you will end up without enough. It's a scrappy little world we live in here in N. Mpls. (As I assume it is the same in other places as well.)

At some point only so much can be taken from you until you grow numb to it.

Today while I was preparing dinner, I watched out my back window as this truck pulled up and a gal got out and started digging through my compost bin and garden. She started harvesting my summer squash. I'm not a big one for confrontation, especially in the ghetto, but I had hit my limit of people just taking from me. I had this overwhelming feeling of surprise that someone would be so confident to just take and harvest someone else's garden in broad daylight. Who does that? I was ticked and offended and hurt.

I walked outside.

I repeatedly said Hi as I walked up to this young gal with her mother looking on from the driver's seat. Turns out it was Rachel, a great lady I met who lives down our block. I met her after the tornado and we chatted even more on national night out at our block party. She felt really bad as I greeted them in the alley.

Here Rachel thought she was harvesting our abandoned neighbor's veggies. (which is a little weird since its directly in our yard, but whatever.) Her daughter quickly gave over the summer squash and apologized and then I felt bad for all the things I was thinking and feeling. They didn't want such great food to go to waste, so they were making sure it got used. Rachel looked at me and said, "I hope you never get to the point of needing to harvest strangers yards for food."

Compassion pulled at my heart. I want all we have to be a blessing to others. On the other hand, fruits and veggies are the primary thing my family eats. Growing our garden vegetables is our most economic way of making it work financially. We need that food. And yet, here was someone who was desperate enough to scrounge in a compost bin and garbage almost. I was humbled, and so we shared. We kept a squash, and they took a squash.

I still don't like being taken from. I would wish to give instead.

In the end, the difference is knowing someones story. They most likely function in a different set of rules and guidelines, and we have the opportunity to invite them into ours. A way of love, blessings, and giving.

Mostly I pray that God can resolve the tension in my heart to be one of trust. To trust him enough to let go, to defend when needed, and to give always.

A bit of mourning

I love tradition. Almost to a unhealthy point. The fall starts five months full of wonderful traditions that my family does. (State Fair, apple picking, pumpkin patches, harvesting the garden and canning, Halloween, Thanksgiving, baking bread, Christmas, the first snow, looking at Christmas lights, etc.)

When I am nostalgic and think on these things, all of these strong memories are intimately connected to food. Food is the key ingredient to my memory. The smells. The tastes. The making food in my kitchen with my kids.

My heart is sad today as I think about all the things I can't eat this year.

Catching the Ice cream truck one last time before he's done for the season.

At the State Fair there won't be any Annie's cookies, Cheesecake on a stick, hot dog, lemonade, Carmel apples with ice cream, sugared almonds. The list here could go on and on.

Apple picking always boasts of cinnamon donuts, apple cider, apple crisp, and old fashion licorice.

In the fall I used to bake a batch of fresh bread once a week. It was simply divine. The smell, the taste, the warmth. My mouth is watering now.

Fall also boasts of candy corn with peanuts. Mmmm. I love those.

Fall also brings the best craft shows and with them some really yummy delicious baked goods to enjoy while you shop. It's the only way to do a craft show.

Halloween. We love trick or treating. Enough said.

Bonfires with roasting marshmallows. In our house we have a bonfire almost every weekend once the sun starts going down earlier. We loved roasting marshmallows.

In Nov. I have a tendency to bake all sorts of speciality breads, and warm pies. Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without pumpkin pie.

The month of December is probably when I bake and cook the most. Christmas cookies, pies, treats, soups, etc. And the candy canes. And Christmas candy.

Wow, looking at all of it written down, it's a lot to give up.

However, when I read what I'm giving up, most of it is donuts, candy, cookies and pie. I can feel my extra 5-10 pounds each Jan that I swear I won't get next year, but always do.

I also understand that there are some of these sweet memories that I can still do, just in a healthier form. Apple crisp with honey and GF oats or GF cookies (maybe not as many varieties, but that's OK). I also understand that there are GFDF breads out there I can make. I think if ever there was a time in our life when giving up all these things, we are in the best time. There are dozens of recipes and websites out there to help those of us who eat different still thrive in our world.

I also have to remember, that my children don't have 32 years of expectations in their hearts and minds. I am the one that thinks, "I've always had pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving." We are able to start our own new traditions and expectations for the different seasons and all they bring.

The last thing I have to remember is that not everyone approaches holidays and seasons like Americana's do. We over indulge and maybe go over the top in regards to decorations, sweets, treats and food that is hard on our bodies and hearts. Most of us feel guilty or know we shouldn't eat half the stuff we do during holidays, just ask your local gym and see how their memberships rise in Jan.

I have the opportunity to create good and healthy traditions for my kids. It will consist of less cookies and maybe popping popcorn to string on the tree. It will consist of having a bowl of nuts and carob covered raisins out instead of candy corn. Its bringing Hot Chocolate while cutting down our tree instead of cookies. It's finding healthier ways to create the memories that I hold so dear. I don't have it all figured out just yet, but I will.

Today with the hint of fall in the air, I started to crave my traditions and all their goodness. Then I remembered, my life is different now. Healthier, happier, with children who posses more joy and self control. That will make these next five months worth it.

I just hope I can make it through the fair. One step at a time I guess. Tearing down old habits and creating better, healthier ones.

And yes, my children will go trick or treating, we have a plan for that, but that's for another day.

worst mom ever!

We joke that middle is our magnet head. He seems to always incur the hurt, scrape, bruise, bloody torment. Rough is his middle name.

What's odd is that he is the only one in our family unscathed at the moment.

Three days ago, middle had an incident with little coming off a bunk bed. Little bit her tongue, and the inside and outside of her lip. There was a brief moment of potential stitches. The bleeding finally ceased and it looked like we were in clear. Two cuts instead of all the way through her lip.

Whew, we got away with that.

Then two days later while the boys were acting as secret agents and were looking for a place to hide, Big was crawling on the floor and smashed his face into the corner of the table. (Guess those table edgers are worth something.) I didn't think it was anything, then I saw the blood seep through his hands. His cry told me it was bad, but when he pulled his hands away and I could see muscle through his skin on his forehead above his eyebrow, I threw up a little in my mouth. He was screaming and we got him cleaned up, called dad, got the kids in the car, said a prayer and got two stitches. Big did amazing! No crying while they stitched him up. He breathed like we taught him to and I was one proud mama. (except for the fact that my other children were dissecting all other medical tools while I was trying to take care of big.)

So now I have a child with a scraped nose and cut lip and one with two stitches above his eye. Tonight we went to Big's family picnic to meet his teacher and other classmates. It was going great. Out on the playground I let little run far from me as she pushed our stroller exploring the area, and as she climbed to heights way past her age, but heights that she has mastered and can control. She is physically far beyond her age and thrives on adventure. Then I lost sight of Big and picked up little to go find him.

I had her in my arms, and then I felt it. I jammed my toe on a lip in the sidewalk and I was falling. I'm crying even as I write this. I watched my daughter fall/fly/or get dropped out of my arms as I fell to the ground. The image of her face breaking her fall will forever remain in my mind.

She flew right to the ground and right on her face. I couldn't breathe. I watched her climb and run and slide and she was safe. Then in my arms where she should be safest, I crushed her face. All I could think was, her nose has to be broken and her teeth missing. My daughters face just broke her fall. I scooped her up and there were cuts, scratches and bruises already forming. Her lip was fat and there was blood there. I picked her up and turned in a circle twice trying to figure out what to do. I sat on a bench and just held her and cried my eyes out.

Yes that was me on my son's first introduction to his school and all his new friends and teachers. His mom dropped his sister on the concrete and cried like a baby. All I could do was cry. The last thing any parent wants is their child hurt, and now I had done the hurting, even by accident.

Two mothers came up to me immediately and comforted me and little, getting the school nurse. They were kind and full of compassion telling me it happens to everyone. I doubt that, but their kindness eased my pain as I held her and tried to ease little's pain.

I don't want to post pictures because there is something in me that tells me that I shouldn't. Little's right side of her face has scrapes and bruises and a fat lip. There are no broken bones or missing teeth. She will heal just nicely and in a few days. Granted I shouldn't take her out in public until then though. People might be suspicious. After about an hour she was back to her more normal self that we were expecting. Big is doing amazing with his stitches and you can't even tell. My toe is fat and swollen and it hurts. Every time I feel it throb, I think, I almost broke my daughters face.

The scrapes and scars will go away, but my heart right now feels very wounded at all the pain that was in my house the last few days.

I guess the Tietjen's aren't safe anywhere right now. Please stay away from us, and when you read this, feel better about the kind of parent you are to your children. For some reason the hospital let us take ours home. Oh dear.

A moment to freeze in time

I had all sorts of plans for the day.

Laundry. Dishes. Bank. Store. Bike ride to the Library. Sewing. Phone calls.

Truly, it was going to be a big day.

But the kids were in a good mood. For the most part they were really getting along. We were all laughing and playing this morning (with a moment or two of learning in frustration). Then when I wanted to leave, the kids just really wanted to go outside and play baseball. They wanted me to pitch to them and play catch.

It's hard to say no when there is no real reason for the rush out the door. There wasn't anything on our schedule today that can't be done tomorrow. So we played.

It was beautiful out this morning. Perfect weather. Sunny with a small chill in the air and the promise of a perfect fall day. The boys and I were playing baseball and having such a wonderful time. They were doing amazing and laughing at their hits and misses.



Lu was pushing her truck all over the yard barefoot. It was quiet except the sound of my kids laughing.



Then the trucks rolled in to pull out stumps along our street. It was exciting and we all stopped what we were doing to watch. While I sat on our sidewalk watching our children my heart just swelled with wanting to make time stand still.



My son starts school in a couple weeks and I am mourning the time we won't have anymore. My children at their small, young ages still want to play with me, have fun, giggle at silly jokes. Our lives are still intertwined and we aren't stretched across the country. I can in small ways still protect my kids from things that scare them. I can make the pain go away. This won't always be the case. Soon I will be watching from the sidelines, that's how it feels. The one thing all parent's agree on is that the time goes by way to fast. I am already starting to feel that pain and sadness of seeing my kids grow to fast before my very eyes.

I know there are so many good things to come and I am excited to know my children as adults, but today...I didn't want today to end. I wanted to hold it. I never want to forget the way my children looked today. How carefree they were. How full of joy they were. Much of the sadness that the world can hold hasn't touched them yet and I was thankful for that. I held two of my children in my lap watching the trucks, the sheer excitement of a backhoe picking up a tree. I could feel their pudgy hands in mine. Squeeze two of my children in one hug. They are still so small and so trusting. It was a wonderful moment. One I hope don't forget.



We didn't accomplish anything on our list today, but we had fun playing all day.

What do you eat?

People often ask me this question when they hear that we don't eat gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/pork. I get it. It takes alot of choices out of what's for dinner or a snack really.

There's part of me that enjoys that. I don't need a thousand options. There are fewer ingredients in my house and that makes it helpful in preparing dinner and more adventurous to figure out a new way to cook something.

I have watched in some people's faces as they hear our restrictions and they feel sorry for us, or they wonder why when only Noah has such a strong response, and Caleb a smaller response that we would all partake in the diet.

The thing is, the more we read and talk with people, we understand the danger for all of us in eating these other things. We are really enjoying the diet. The only struggle comes when all the things that we can't eat are brought to us, offered to us, driving by in the ice cream truck, etc. When we are at home and in charge of our meals, we want for nothing. We eat and are completely satisfied.

Last night we had dear friends over for dinner. We drank wine while we prepared the food.

We had corn chips and homemade guacamole mixed with salsa to munch on. I would have taken a picture if my child hadn't eaten it all. It was delish.



For dinner, our friends brought Steak! What a treat for us! We sauteed garlic, onions and mushrooms in wine to top our steak to replace A1 sauce.



We hit the Farmer's market on Saturday and bought Ground Cherries, then picked mint from our garden and made a watermelon/Cherri/mint salad.



Noah and I also found the smallest red potatoes at the market and decided we liked those best because then we didn't have to cut them up and they were much prettier to eat. We picked oregano from the garden and drizzled Olive Oil over the potato's and added a dash of salt and pepper. So yummy!



We were blessed with Iowa sweet corn from Paul's grandparents and decided to pull that from the freezer and enjoy that along with asparagus drizzled with Olive Oil and pepper.



Our dinner was full of flavor and color and was so simple to prepare. The potatoes and asparagus just baked in the oven and the corn cooked in a pot. The men grilled the steaks and presto! Dinner.

For desert, (sorry I didn't take a photo, we were too excited to eat it!) I bought a wonderful berry juice without sugar, poured it in a bowl, and stuck in the freezer. After a day it was frozen, I dragged my fork and spoon over the top, scooped it out like sorbet and topped it with strawberries. So fresh and tasty. It was cold and filled our treat bank in the tummy. We all have a treat compartment, don't lie to yourself. This filled it perfectly.

After dinner the kids played, then got baths and the adults were able to enjoy great conversation in the quiet of the house.

I noticed after the huge amount of food that we all ate after dinner that I felt satisfied. I didn't feel full and sluggish or felt guilty at all I ate. It was wonderful. It was satisfying and it didn't leave me feeling guilty or tired or wanting to undo my top button of my pants. (I actually wore a dress, so that doesn't count, but still.)

We don't eat this extensive meal every night. But the formula is the same. Paul and I are actually going to nail down our week meal plan tonight. We plan on eating the same thing every week with a few exceptions with what's on sale. This will help us with our budget and my stress of figuring out what to eat. If you are curious, you can check back tomorrow and see what a "Joy Free" diet looks like.

Be forewarned, it is anything but joy free.

***Disclaimer. When I read blogs like the I am posting I often have this image of the family I am reading about. They are all homey, clean clothes, laughing and peaceful in the way they treat each other. I hear garden and I think full and thriving plot of land where the gardener spends hours of her time tending to the needs of the plants. I hear they had friends over and I think their house is clean and orderly.

This is not my life. We threw all our crap in our bedroom so our friends wouldn't see it. My garden, if you can call it that, is mostly hidden under weeds and shingles that have fallen from our roof. My mother did an amazing job helping me at least find most of my plants this weekend and pulled a bunch of weeds. My kids were playing in the water and were drenched when they came to dinner. We ate outside amongst all the neighborhood debris and we have never owned an outside dinner table. Everyone had to hold their plates in their laps and we watched as our children and the neighbor kids fight and decide who they were friends with. It was chaotic but wonderful. Dirty, messy, and wonderful.

Noah's story continues

I have been meaning to write this blog for quite some time. In my dreams, I would have links to famous doctors and authors who are on the cutting edge of research. I would have solid proof that what I want to tell you is real and legit. I want article after article proving all the claims I want to make.

But I can't.

I haven't had much time for cooking and cleaning, let alone blogging and then researching. I browse and I talk with others and get my information from them, but my research is just beginning.

My research might just be beginning, but my proof already exists. In my son.

Another reason I haven't posted in awhile about Noah's progress is that I didn't want to write it too early. I didn't want to make any claims and then have it turn out not to be true. It's been three months now, and I feel confident that though I can't give you medical proof or explain all the ins and outs of dietary restrictions, I can share my story and what I know so far.

Disclaimer**** I want to put this here in the beginning instead of at the end, in case you don't make it that far. I am not a medical professional or an alternative health specialist. I am a mom whose son has not been diagnosed with anything but leaky gut right now. I have not done all the research, but have seen the dramatic effects of food in relation to behavior. (he had no strong physical reaction to anything like stomach aches, headaches, throwing up, etc.) In this blog I am not diagnosing your child or sibling or self saying that if you have similar issues, you have food issues. I will state that if you carefully watch your child, sibling or self in what you eat, you might be surprised. If you are in doubt or wonder if your child might have more issues than just being strong willed, take a chance with the diet. We started the diet change in a place of doubt, but we are firm believers now. Changing your diet is not a cure all for all ailments, but I stand on the side that I think it changes and improves almost everything. And truly, you'll never know if you don't try it. You may be missing out on a more peaceful existence if your courageous enough to try. And your child could be released from an emotional/behavioral prison if you give it a chance.*****

In my last blog about Noah I explained that we went to Wyndgate Health in St. Paul and Noah got tested for Gluten and Dairy allergies, along with discovering his low levels of certain vitamins. We went GFDF immediately and saw a difference within days.

What do I mean by difference? One of my husbands favorite moments to share is when he took Noah to a T-ball practice. When they pulled up, Noah was adamant that Paul had the wrong field. He was supposed to have a game at a different field, not practice. He was angry, confused, and yelling with tears that dad had it wrong. He was growing anxious and terrified that he would miss his game. We felt this was a bit over the top response for a T-ball practice. You can be confused, but yelling and crying and shouting and calling your dad a lier is a bit much for an almost six year old. Paul pointed out to the field, and showed him his team practicing. They still needed to call me to confirm it, and once that happened, Noah calmed down and went out to practice.

My favorite is that our family has a rule that you have to stay in bed until 7am. We are loud so you can read quietly in bed till then if you wake up ahead of time. Noah woke up one morning at 645am and I told him he could grab a book but he had to stay in bed. He got so angry with me. He was crying and thrashing in his bed, (this is when I really knew something was wrong.) He couldn't stop. This went on till 7am. I told him he couldn't come out until he found control and could stop. It went on for another 30 min. He couldn't understand or make a choice to stop and realize that he could come out. He was slurring his words. He was thrashing around in the bed. He was lost to us in a state of utter and complete despair and anger. he was full of rage and hurtful words.

These things would happen randomly even though most of the time, everything else was a battle, or a discussion, or debate, or frustration for the fact that he didn't like what I had to say, or someone else for that matter. He couldn't join Karate because he was too emotional. When he got upset, which was often, he would start to tense every muscle because he couldn't control the emotion and rage starting to build. His eyes would be so angry. His words would be so hurtful, and he would always need to hit something. Hit something or throw something, or kick something. Anger and rage and tears. So many tears. And lots of yelling.

These episodes stopped within days of cutting out gluten and dairy. If he was upset with me, it lasted for no more than two minutes. And even after that he was extremely sorry. Most of the time after cutting these two things out of his diet, he could comply really easy to what we were doing.

Pause*** I understand that food allergies and intolerance's have become one of the leading ways to help curve/curb/cure ADD, ADHD, Asbergers, Autism, Sensory issues, and other issues that fall in this line. I didn't really see any symptoms lining up with this list in regards to Noah. I just had what I considered a normal kid who was really sensitive and hot tempered like his mom and dad. I considered it genetics so I wasn't really looking.

Well, we adhered to our new diet for two weeks and then the tornado hit. For about a week, something was still off. Noah was doing so much better. SO MUCH BETTER I didn't want to complain, but when he would still get mad at me, his eyes changed.

Parent's pay attention to the eyes!

They would fill with hate and rage, even for the briefest of moments. For two minutes max. I thought, well, its a ton better, maybe this is normal behavior? How am I supposed to know? But something still felt off.

After the tornado, Calvary Lutheran church where Paul used to work in Golden Valley rallied around us and helped us so much. They knew we were on a restrictive diet, and one of the congregation members volunteered to bring us food. He name is Dawn and she is a Naturopath. She brought bags of groceries and we sat and talked for a little while as the kids played.

It was great to pick her brain and I felt comfortable enough to discuss my small concerns about the diet not working as well as I thought it would. She started talking about mold build up and creating enough enzymes in his body, and I started to feel overwhelmed. She told me to come to her office in Golden Valley and she would test Noah for some other issues to see what else was going on.

Mold issues? More allergies? Tornado stress? Sleep deprived?

I felt lost and confused. I was standing in this place where all my walls got pushed down already. The way were eating had already changed so much. I mean, really? No sandwiches ever?! Come on! Now there might be other things. I started to find myself not knowing anything about food anymore. I didn't know what I was looking for when assessing my son's behavior. I didn't know what was a food thing, or an emotional thing, or a spiritual thing, or a physical thing, or a behavioral thing. Why was he acting up? What was he upset about? Was it really him, or was his body processing poison?

I wanted to scream that I didn't know anything anymore! How can you parent your kids or take care of them if you don't know what's going on with them? Man I felt lost.

We came home from the wedding in St. Louis and went to NewDawn clinic. There we discovered through an electric computer testing program that Noah wasn't just allergic to Gluten and Dairy, but ALSO

Soy/High Fructose Corn Syrup/Sugar/White potato's/Pork and all kinds of barley and wheat.

It started to make so much sense. To overcompensate the things we were taking out of his diet, we supplemented other fun things like juice, bacon, ham rolls, homemade french fries and fun candy for treats.

All the things he shouldn't be eating. So even though his body wasn't getting pounded by poison, we were still unknowing shoving it in. So ever since Memorial weekend our family has been Gluten/Dairy/Soy/potato/sugar free. We have traveled the country and it has been a challenge. Almost once a week my husband and I look at each other and we say, "Is this worth it?"

Then we look at our son. We remember all the previous things I have written about. Now our son stops and thinks before he freaks out, most of the time. He looks at me and at my request, says, "Yes Madam. OK mom." The sweet boy that everyone is used to, is my son most of the time now. Don't get me wrong, he is still six. He is still a sinner. He is still learning. He is still a kid. We have issues. We have breakdowns. We still struggle to share. We still struggle to listen. He's still six is what I'm saying. But there is more peace in my house now more than ever. Where we were feels like night and day from where we are now. The extra bonus is that my kids are eating healthier than ever before as well. All we eat is fruit and veggies and lean meat and lots of eggs.

Another strong benefit is that we are enjoying our son more than ever before. I feel like I am really getting to know him all over again. We can talk about stuff and he can listen. Again, he's still Noah which is a boy who loves to run, climb and dive into impromptu dance parties. He talks all the time and can't wait to share all he knows. He still has the same amount of energy and spirit and life. The difference is his capability to stop and think and make choices.

So, yes, the Tietjen's are on a huge diet. Paul likes to call it the joy free diet. Ironically, we have more joy in this house than ever before.

Rhythm and Discipline

My life is in serious need of these two things right now. We are feeling the very negative effects of vacation and lazy days of summer.

My life is lacking rhythm. I take that back, there is always rhythm to life, but I'm not a fan of how mine looks right now. It's all reactive and none of it is proactive. All I do is play catch up and I don't want to plan our days so we are busy. We've been busy this summer and I want us to just wake up, do our morning routine and then find adventure in our yard or house or whatever. I like the idea of days on end with nothing on the calendar, but it's not working for us. I need something on the calendar or I need to make a fun activity feel impromptu but have it already planned for the kids.

When I'm already tired and there's nothing on the calendar, I get lazy. Down right, look at the house and ignore it lazy. I start disengaging with my children because they pose so many demands on me and then I grow tired by the minute.

I'm tired of eating baby carrots, grapes and banana's but too tired to cook.

When my rhythm of life is out of whack, I lack discipline to do the healthy habits that make me feel alive and ready for life. Eating right, exercising, showering regularly, sleeping, reading scripture. I haven't had the discipline for any of these life building activities, but that is going to change. I can't keep going on like this. I need to be proactive in changing the rhythm of my life.

These are my goals:

Wake up every morning at 6am before the kids and three days a week go for a run. The other four days to read and journal and pray. My soul is parched and in dire need of refreshment.

Stick to a strict bedtime of 1030pm. 11pm if Paul is home.

Create a chore schedule so that I don't feel overwhelmed and can tackle just one job a day.

Create one fun puzzle or game or activity for the kids and I per day.


That's all I can commit to right now. I have grand ideas of meal planning again, coupon clipping, pre making meals and freezing them, but frankly I can't think that much still. I'm still trying to survive and hoping just these few things will help.

A toast to better rhythm and bedtime soon! Yay!

Expectations

(Here is a short little bit I wrote while in the black hills of SD.)



It never fails. I always have them even when I try really hard not to.

This is our third year attending family camp at Outlaw Ranch in SD and we love it! Paul does music for the week and we get to tag along. We try to prepare, we enjoy the ride out and do all sorts of adventures during the week.

This year has proved to be a year of unvoiced, unknown, unmet expectations.

We have three kids this year which has proved a whole different ball game. A harder one at that too.

Here is a list of all the things I wasn’t expecting that has changed our experienced here at camp:

The boys having friends here that they have seen the last three years and wanting to play with them instead of us.

Our family sitting alone at a table because of our dietary needs, having a baby and generally just being really loud messy eaters makes us unapproachable to strangers.

Having a baby that needs to nap during our family outing time.

Heading to the cabin for bed time while the rest of camp sets off to campfire. (one of my favorite things ever!)

It being 110 degrees so our family can’t go out and enjoy the hundreds of hiking trails along the way.

Wanting ice cream and not being able to have it.

Being in a cabin far from the bathroom and having children that need to use it multiple times in the middle of the night and day.

Paul and I thinking it was a family vacation but only seeing each other to pass off children or responsibility. Our famous line is, “tag you’re it”.

Paul’s grandfather passing away this morning.

Forgetting to bring pillows and sheets for Paul and I, because apparently we only think about what the kids need. Blankets and clean clothes work wonders for a pillow.

Thinking I would have tons of time to read while I stay in the cabin with children, and instead being so tired I just sleep.

Thinking that all my expectations would be met.

What I have to come to realize is that if you have expectations, they will get you every time. They will disappoint you, level you and leave you feeling empty and hurt and sad.

When we live in expectations we only see what we want to see and only expect others to live the way we demand them to. When they don’t live up to our expectations, then we are left disappointed and we can no longer see truth, only hurt.

Camp started out rough. Letting go of expectations and accepting our week for what it was and my children for who they are and not who I want them to be.

After letting go of my expectations, the week was amazing.

My kids know too much

I have yet to figure out why I share these less than admirable moments with all of you, but here goes another one cause I laughed really hard on the inside.

Today I looked around my house and saw the piles of laundry, the limited clean dishes, the toys and food on the floor and the bills piled high. I saw it and then decided to take my kids to the park. (I told you I have a hard time coming back to normal life after a long vacation. I wasn't kidding.)

On our way out the door we packed up a lunch and headed out. We were meeting friends at 10am and it was 955am. The park is 20 minutes away. Big was riding his bike and middle wanted to ride his scooter. He got it out the door and hopped on. I told him we needed to head to the car and this is where chaos started.

Since the day middle was born he has had an ear piercing scream. Only one scream for all things. It's a life and death cry. It's loud and it's annoying. And it hasn't changed.

At the instant of saying he couldn't ride his scooter, I heard the cry. I was walking to the garage with big to put his bike away and the cry followed us.

Mistake #1 - I didn't really care about middle's feelings, I was distracted by how frustrated I was that early in the morning by the crying. So I started to approach my son, not with grace and help, but from a place of selfishness and frustration.

We entered the garage and he was crying about not getting a chance to ride his scooter and he wanted to bring it with us. I told him he couldn't because we were going to the playground to be with his friends. He kept crying saying he wanted to bring it with him and that he didn't get a chance to ride it that morning.

I told him once more he couldn't bring it and we had to get in the car. He said he wasn't moving. He wasn't going.

Mistake #2 - Middle was in the garage and I was outside the garage holding little. I told him nicely we were leaving now and started to close the garage. I was holding three bags and a baby and my middle kid was not cooperating. I needed to him to hurry, I didn't want to discuss this with him and help him understand. I just wanted him to obey me. So in an effort to get my way, I scared my child to think that I would lock him in the garage. I am not proud. I am actually very sad that this was my response. However, he came right out.

The kids and I make it to our car parked on the street and everyone is getting in except middle. I have little buckled in, all the bags in and big is in. I hop in the driver seat and middle is looking at me from outside the car on the curb crying to me that he wants his scooter. He looks at me and shows me that his scooter can fit under his feet and Noah's bike could fit in the back if I would just move the stuff around.

(That's kind of the point middle, I don't want to take the time and be even later and move all the stuff around so you can throw a temper tantrum and get your way.)

I nicely told him no and it was time to get in the car because we were all ready. He looked at me and said with all defiance,

"I will come with you. I will stay right here." and he shut the door.

Mistake #3 - (I can't believe I am admitting this.) I drove two feet in the car away from my son. I couldn't believe I did it when I did, and the look on his face made my heart ache. He truly thought I would leave him, but that is what I was communicating to him. I stopped the car almost immediately and he opened the door. He was crying and he said one more time, all I want is to bring my scooter. Please mom, can we bring my scooter?

I told him to get in the car. I realized at the moment that it didn't matter if we were late that is a park, and the other kids would be playing till we got there. I wasn't sure why I didn't the bike and scooter. There was no real reason. So I went to the alley and we got the scooter.

Before I got out of the car, I looked at my middle child and said, "You know mom doesn't support whining, and if you throw a temper tantrum you never get what you want. But I should have listened, and there is no reason not to bring your bike, so you can bring it. Next time instead of crying and screaming, please just talk to mom."

I was very cool about it. I never yelled or lost my temper. I was just calm.

Once we were all loaded in and we started to drive away, my middle child said,

"Mom, I'm gonna pray for you."

Big said, "Caleb can you say it quietly so I can hear too and pray for mom?"

My thought was, Are you kidding me? We're praying for me and its you two who can't handle the temper tantrums!

So middle prayed. This is was his prayer to God almighty who hears all we say.

"Dear God please help mommy and her temper tantrums. Take her temper away from her. Amen."

Big, "Amen. Good prayer Caleb."

Wow, sold out by own kid. Well, two can play at that game. I said.

"Caleb can I pray for you?" (oh yeah, you know where this is going.)

Me, "Dear God I thank you for my children and this day we will have together. Lord I ask that when Caleb and I disagree that you would help us communicate better and that when he is angry with me, he would use his words and talk to me instead of screaming. Lord help him to surrender his temper to you. Amen."

Mistake #4 - using prayer as a weapon to teach my kid a lesson.

I thought, that will teach him. I believe scripture says, before looking at the speck in someones eye, take the logo out of your own eye.

Did you hear me middle? That's right, scripture says to work on yourself first.

Oh, wait.

The bird and the soilder

Joy
by: Jake Erkens

Joy gives you wings
In difficult circumstances;
The problems don't go away,
but you can rise above them

Joy is not just a feeling or emotion
Joy is the pleasure of life
Life in itself cannot be life without Joy
Life is hard, but Joy can overcome it

Joy is only there if you accept it
Joy can be found at any time of the day
Say Joy were an angel, it would save you
Say Joy were a demon, it would haunt you

However, Joy can be anything you like or love
Mainly Joy comes to help you through life

Times of trials comes
Times of sadness comes
Joy is in the heart
Joy is bigger then sadness

Joy gives you wings to live another day
Joy is the reason why people smile back at you
Joy is Joy when you accept it

Instead of being the mom who was in charge of everything today, I got to go to a friends house and swim and enjoy friendship all day.

While Lu slept, I had this precious 45 minutes to play with my boys. To really play and laugh and make up silly jumps off the diving board.

That's all we did, jump off the diving board.

I'll be honest, I had this moment of not wanting to do it, but I thought, this would be fun to do with them, and I should do it. So I forced myself into the pool and into their world.

Moms rarely get to play. They are too busy taking care of the baby, holding the baby, preparing for a meal or cleaning up from meal. They are organizing all the activities, or changing diapers, or wiping butts or putting band aids on. Or to be totally honest, if everyone is busy, just sitting down and talking to another adult without interruption is the best thing in the world, so you sometimes you don't want to join the fun, you just want to sit.

Today I got to play and it filled my heart with joy.

When I play with my kids it gives me the opportunity to fall in love with them all over again. It shows me their laugh, their silliness, their imagination.

Playing with my kids reconnects me and strengthens the bond I have with them.

I am so thankful to my friend who provided the house and the sitter and the meals for a wonderful day away. A day away from responsibility and all the things that prevent me from playing with my kids.

Being reminded of that kind of play and joy has helped remind me to find it in my everyday life. To make the time to play. To force myself to be aware of the joy. I don't always have to be the rule enforcer, and dinner can sometimes wait.

I want more joy in my life.

Caleb's best jump was the bird where he pretended to be a bird even drowning in the water.

Noah's best jump was the solider.

I think mine was a flip since I'd never done one before! Yay go me!

The Tutors

I am currently slightly addicted to the Showtime TV show, The Tutors. OK, I lie, I am REALLY addicted to it. If you get past the flesh of the show, it just gets me thinking about so many things, the primary one being the station of women.

To be given in marriage with no consent.

To be given into an affair with the blessing of your father to further your family's standing.

To watch your husband have elicit affair after affair and you can only sit by and watch because if you have an affair, there is no way to prove that the child you carry is your husbands which is critical for survival.

If you can't bear a son, you are nothing.

You are rendered useless once you have born a son. You have done your job and there is now no use for you.

You are not seen for who you are, but for what pleasure you can bring a man.

The woman has no voice, no vote, no opinion, no say.

If you were born a girl and not a boy, there was immediate disappointment. You were unwanted right from your birth.

My free American brain can not conceive these ideas, these limitations, this slavery.

I have an opinion about almost everything.

I have an avenue for my voice to be heard in multiple arena's.

I met a man and fell in love and got the joyous opportunity to marry him by choice.

My heart is saddened and heavy when I watch period pieces. It makes me so grateful, and thankful and indebted to all the men and women who fought for me to have this voice. All the time, energy, money, and lives that were sacrificed for me to have this voice.

It also makes me very aware that there are thousands of women who still live in prison.

Who have no voice.

Who have no choice.

Who have no one to listen.

Please pray for all the women and children and men who live in emotional, social, and political prisons.

OK, now I have to continue watching the next episode. I just can't help myself.

Sinner over saint all day today

We were totally that family this morning that fights on their way to church. The house was a disaster and we were stepping on toys, marbles, trucks, you name it. The boys were slow in picking up their things, putting shoes on, wanting to bring toys to church and getting out the door.

I was totally that mom, that yelled through a whisper to push them out the door. I hated being that mom, and yet, my crankiness was getting the better of me. In the car I apologized to the boys and told them that I was tired and taking it out on them.

We get to church, its outside in 90 degree weather. As soon as we sit, the boys need to use the bathroom. We go, we get back, then they are really thirsty, so I get up and get them water. Lu has been whiny the whole time, so then I get up and take her to the nursery. I get back and the boys are hungry, so we get a small snack. I am finally able to pay attention of half a second and then I feel the sweat dripping down my dress, down my face, and behind my knees. I think I hate the knee sweat the most.

We make it through the morning with mild complaining, tons of crankiness due to the weather, and we make it back home. We eat lunch and the my oldest is adament to play video games at his friends house. I remind him that his neighborhood friends are outside friends only and I don't want him playing video games. He gets very angry with me and tells me that I don't love him. He doesn't like me because I keep him from all fun things. I took the lashing and it added to my mood.

After lunch the kids go out and play and Paul takes a nap. I clean and clean and clean, not that you can really tell, and put groceries away. When Lu wakes up, I take the kids down the street to the little wadding pool in our park. That's when we meet an angry dog off his leash and discover a car ran into the pool and its closed.

Awesome.

We walk back home and gather our stuff and head to the splash pad for 45 minutes. It feels great to cool off and be in the water. The kids had a blast. I just tried to keep my daughter from drowning because she thinks she can swim and go in the deep end. Geeesh.

After we get home, I get dinner ready and clean some more. It's funny to read how much I was cleaning since my house still feels messy, but the dishes are clean, table wiped down and legos put away, so that means something.

Caleb needed to put all the legos away and he didn't like that decision, so he threw the box at me. That earned him the right to stay in his room until all was back in order. That, and a severe talking too with punishment from mom for such disrespect.

Once I announced dinner was ready, Noah came in and saw it was not what he wanted, he started to complain. At this point, I have nothing left in me. I am way past the point of crabby. I am tired of taking care of everyone and getting no help or appreciation. I was tired, and there was no reward for my work. I was getting resistant at every turn. It ticked me off.

At this point, I am seething in my heart and all sorts of innaporpriate, mean and hateful, dark sarcastic comments are in my head. I'm too annoyed and feel to negeleted to pray. So I just sat at the kitchen table and lived in my head.

My family was playing on my husbands Iphone and I just sat there at the table being really immature. I would scare you with the things going on in my head. I was really mean up in there. I wanted someone to address me so I could lash out at them. I wanted help. I wanted attention. I wanted to yell. I wanted to be mean.

Pretty mature right?

It goes further. I didn't pray. I didn't want to. That's not what got me out of my head. Running out of mean things to say is why I stopped. I started to really watch my kids enjoying peek a boo barn. My kids are pretty entertaining, so it was fun to watch. Then I decided to mature and keep my mouth shut. Not change my attitude, just not to speak my mind which was pretty dark at the time.

After dinner, Paul left to go to work, and I cleaned up dinner. After the kitchen was clean, I got the kids ready for a bath. Lu and Caleb were in the tub. After about five minutes, Noah tells me that the water is all yellow and brown. I proceed to go into the bathroom and notice that my daughter has taken the largest dump in the tub. My kids are essentially playing in the toliet. I grab the kids and get them out, clean the tub for the next 20 minutes and finally get them washed. This was after we noticed that Lu was walking around saying. "Poooh and pee" and grabbing herself. At this point we all believed she did more buisness somewhere in the house since she wasn't wearing a diaper. The boys and I had to get on our hands and knees and feel with our hands all over the carpet looking for pee. Thankfully there wasn't any.

After Lu was in bed, clean and crazy, I read to the boys. We wanted to have family snuggle time on my bed. But my bed was covered in clean laundry that needed to be put away. I put it back in the laundry basket for the fifth time that day, (I had already taken it out four other times and put it back in for some unkown reason I am already forgetting.) So the clean laundry doesn't get put away, just put back in the basket. We read and snuggled and it was great.

We fall asleep and after 10 minutes I get up and head outside to weed my yard. After being gone for five weeks, the yard is unrecoginzable. It is my goal to weed for 20 minutes a day until I find my plants and vegetables again. The bugs attacked but I got a lot done. After an hour, you can see part of my backyard, but I am covered in bites and dirt and sweat. I would shower, but it still has poop in the tub. (I took the kids upstairs to the apartment to bathe.) Frankly, I just don't want to get up and clean some more, and my bathroom reaks.

Today exhausted me, maybe I should just go to bed. I was faught at every turn, and most of the day I didn't win. But today is over, and tomorrow will allow me to start over.

Hopefully all those mean thoughts won't follow me to bed.

How God pursues us

The greatest proof of Christ in my life is the body of believers.

It is amazing to me how alone I can feel in the day and then be so overwhelmed by the kindness of friends and family in my life. And I know I'm not alone, but when I spend all day with my kids, I am often alone in my thoughts and feelings. I feel alone when I need to figure out lunch. I feel alone when I have to say no to the treat and snack that the neighborhood kids offer my children and I'm tired of always saying no. I feel alone when I go to the grocery store and spend twice as much time scanning the ingredient labels on everything and trying to make sense of new food products and how to make it good for my kids to eat.

I feel alone and overwhelmed in my head.

Then...

I experience both my mother and mother-in-law calling ahead of our visit asking and checking for all the food they are going to prepare and making sure I don't have to think about it when I'm with them. They are thinking for me, and checking and making sure there is nothing in the house the family can't eat.

I get a facebook message from a friend saying she found a really great cake recipe that I can make for my kids! She was looking for me and wanted me to have it.

I get an email from a friend asking if its overwhelming if she looks for recipes for me and sends them to me. She doesn't want to overstep or overwhelm me. Truly? Someone else doing half the work for me! I welcome the help!

I have another gal in my life who truly, by the amount of time we spend together we should really just be acquaintances, but she feels like a very good friend. A three page email of encouragement and advice with helpful hints about where to shop, and what her family did, but mostly encouragement. I couldn't believe how fast it warmed my heart.

We joined another family for dinner tonight and my dear friend went to so much trouble to make sure that there was food we could eat, and always asked if it was OK if her kids had something different, so as not to bother my children. She went above and beyond to make sure we didn't feel left out but loved and cared for.

Then one of my favorites is for the last three months, one of my dearest friends brings a bag of groceries every time I see her. At first I just thought it was my birthday present, but no, every time I see her, she says, "I have a bag for you". She spends time, energy, and money looking, hunting, and reading labels for my family. She wants to find treats that I haven't discovered yet and help support us financially since she knows how much my kids eat and now we are almost all raw veggies and fruit people.

I know I have already used a lot of words, but somehow I can't find the right words to describe the depth of love I feel from these people.

Then in this moment, the depth and awareness is revealed to show me how God's greatest tool of getting into my world is through the community.

The church. (the church being the body of Christ)

The assembly of believers.

Faithful followers to long to love others with the love that has been poured into them.

Through people who may not believe but love as God would dream we all could love each other.

God has spoken plainly to me that although I may not meet with him every morning, and I carry far too much guilt and expectations of myself. And although I may feel alone, I am not.

He has not left me.

He sees me.

He hears me and my silent cries of frustration and emptiness.

He loves me through the people in my life. He reminds me I am not alone by the constant reminder of all the people who are rallying around us to support us. He chooses to provide financial help, emotional support, and loving encouragement through the words and actions of everyday normal people.

I can't help but choose to see God in these things. Even when I feel I have abandoned our quality time together, he is persistent to remind me that I am not alone.

When I feel alone, I have a tendency to close myself off, and who would know that better than the one who made me?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lord for pursuing me. For filling my life with love even when I don't deserve it.

Thank you Lord for the hearts of your people whom you have brought into my life. They long to follow you, serve others in your name and love as you loved them. They are such a strong example of what it means to love they neighbor.

I am always looking for the grand gesture, but have learned through this that is most often the small things that matter most and speak the loudest. I want to find the small things in others lives around me and share what has filled my heart.

Stick to your guns

This is for all those tired parents out there or caregivers to children.

This morning by 7am I had a pretty good idea of how bad the day was going to be. The kids were up extra early, around 615am. Both boys had accidents in their beds which is not normal, and Lu was hungry, but for nothing I was offering her. The battle lines drawn, I thought, is this really how today is going to be? It's still before 7!

Right at the get go, Big wanted to watch TV. Wherever you stand on the issue, it doesn't matter to me. In our house, we don't have a problem with TV, but its managed to a strong degree. (with the exception of sports games, a weekly movie, or when mom's sick and can't get up. We're human OK.) I don't like TV in the morning. I think it starts the kids off wrong, and then I can't use it later on in the day when it might be necessary. TV is often a reward, and if my kids don't ask for it, they don't get it. I try to keep them busy doing art and imagination activity.

So starting at 615am Big started asking for TV, which bugs me when he already knows the answer.

Before starting the diet this would have turned into a 45min battle, but now, he asks, I say No, and he humphs. Then he might ask 20min later, which he did, every 20min for over 1 1/2 hours this morning.

I was cranky and I really didn't want to fight this battle. I had Little growling at me, throwing herself on the floor because she wanted to hold her own banana, and Caleb trying to pour his own milk and spilling all over the counter and stool.

At this moment, TV would have been very easy. It would have cut down the whining, the spilling and the crying. But I HATE TV in the morning. (Again, I have no judgement for those families who do TV in the morning. Truly. I just don't want it on in our house.)

This blog isn't about TV. It's about the ability to find strength to fight for what you believe in. For parents and caregivers to listen to what the truth they live by and stick with it.

Kids cry, they whine, they argue, they debate, they create compromises, they are crafty and they wear us down. Or maybe that's just my family.

Kids wear you down. They wear down the standards you want to live by and it's not easy to stick to your idea, your plan, your philosophy of parenting. It is exhausting to keep with the plan, to explain your way, to continue to say No, or encourage them to get them to do a particular behavior.

When people say parenting is hard, that statement is true, but its also doesn't portray the depth of what it means. Constant is a good word. Demanding is another good one.

It's very difficult to battle everyday to make the family you are trying to create come true. I want to encourage you to find strength in the Lord and fight the good fight. Consistant spiritual discipline is very difficult with small children, so I want to encourage you to find whatever it is that will connect you to your creator and somehow find a time once a week to connect with him.

Find the strength to fight the good fight. Be the parent and stick up for what you believe in and how you want to parent your children to the standards you desire.

I explained to Big this morning that TV alienates him and his siblings from the rest of the family. That he was happily playing with his Lego's and using his imagination. We decided to put on some fun worship music and the kids had a dance party in the kitchen while I made eggs. After breakfast, the music continued to play, and the kids each individually found an activity they could do while I showered and they were singing together. They were joking about all of Little's attempted dance moves and words that she really isn't saying. They were interacting together. They were figuring out how to live in each other's space. More importantly they were being encouraged in their faith through the music they were listening to.

And I'm not gonna lie, the music also changed my behavior (the shower helped a lot in that regard as well, I'll be honest). Our family was participating in individual activities but still were learning to live with one another. The music and happy play set the tone for our day. A day of pleasure, summer fun, and harmony. In my opinion, TV would have just entertained and separated us. It would have divided us right from the get go. No interaction. No encouragement. No team work.

I desire for my children to know how to entertain themselves without the TV or computer or video games. I stuck to my guns this morning and was rewarded.

You will to. I will say it again. Stick to your guns on the issue that you want to give into because it would be easier.

No one ever said the road was easy. From one parent to another, be encouraged, you are strong enough to stick to your guns.

Just a heads up. 1. I don't always win. There are times where my kids watch TV in the morning because I truly am just too exhausted, or I want to stay and snuggle with my hubby on Saturday morning. We aren't perfect and I want you to know that. 2. This also means that you might need to interact more with your children or get their help with your chores, or set them up with an activity. But all of those things are really great options.

Good luck parents. I am praying for you. And as its really late, can you pray for me too! Thanks. Tomorrow morning might be hard!

In the begining

I was blogging a lot. I loved it. I was blogging every other day, sometimes every day. Blogging for me is a place to get outside of my own head. It helps me see God in my life and the things that happen to us. It gives me an opportunity to get some perspective. And the best part is that it allows you to see into my life and speak truth to me. Call me out if I’m wrong, encourage me if I’m down, or show me a new way of doing something if I’m stuck in a rut. I don’t really know if my blog is about me, my kids, parenting, craft projects, questions I have, frustrations I need to voice, or my speaking adventures. I guess it’s just a compilation of all those things.

Lately there feels to be way too many things happening that I can’t even get inside my brain to figure out what’s going on in there. I’m almost terrified to do any kind of quiet time, afraid of what might happen. But if I’m ever gonna get out of this overwhelmed place, I need to start writing, start thinking and start praying.

What that means for our relationship, me and you the reader, whomever you are, is that some of the things I’m gonna blog about didn’t happen the day I wrote about it. It may have happened while I was on vacation and never had time to jot down my thoughts. (There are so many up here its starting to get a little crazy.)

But they are all real things that happened to me and how I feel about them. It is still our life.

Right.

Wrong.

Confusing.

Maybe misguided.

But it’s true for us right now.

Welcome to our reality.

We traveled the better part of the last month and a lot has happened. I will do my best to share our adventures, joys and moments along the way.

out of the land of Oz...

So the Tietjen's are back home after five weeks of adventures. I haven't posted much because there has just been too much to do and too much fun to be had.

Yesterday was filled with laundry and laundry, ironing our curtains and rehanging them after getting all new windows, and moving furniture back in place.

Today the weird feelings started to creep in. I have no event to plan for. I have no trip to orchestrate. We are just back to normal life.

Usually after big adventures, I have a tendency to crash. My mind and body and soul have to readjust to the normal rhythm of life. That can be hard and boring, and draining after all the excitement that became normal.

I have a tendency to withdrawal, (proof of my lack of blogging) sulk, and waste my days.

Tonight Paul and I got to run to the store to use a Christmas gift card (how wrong is it that its taken us this long!) and I noticed he was not himself.

After our fun week in SD for family camp, we drove immediately to Iowa to attend Paul's grandfather's funeral. The loss of such a wonderful and dear man is finally settling into our systems.

We are all in a weird place.

The loss of family and a piece of family history.

The readjustment to every day living, which is for the most part not mountain top experiences.

Finally being a place to fully embrace our new diet and explore new things.

The realization that my kids bikes were stolen, their favorite summer time activity. This one has been harder to process than our home being broken into at Christmas and all my jewelry being stolen. I guess it might have to do with someone violating my children.

I don't know how to put it all into words. Things have moved so fast we haven't been able to digest each new thing.

So for all of you read this, I'm sorry if my thoughts are jumbled in the coming weeks. I'm sorry if there isn't anything insightful in my ramblings, but just thoughts rolling around in the old tin can up there.

The Tietjen's are in a weird place.

But I am so thankful, that no matter where we go, physically, emotionally or mentally, God was there before us, is with us still, and won't leave us alone.

one too many things

I am really excited for our family to leave tomorrow for the black hills. This is something that we have done for the last two summers and is quickly turning into a wonderful family tradition. My husband plays music for family camp and we all get to go just to hang out. This trip is coming at the end of the a three week long vacation to MI, WI and then here in MN with friends of ours. After our friends left we had three days to regroup and pack.

Well, pack we did, clean we did not. I'm kind of that person who likes clean sheets when she comes home and the kitchen clean with empty garbage's and no laundry waiting for me. Instead on this trip, I will just come home to new windows!

For the last year and half we have been in this process with a government based program that is striving to eliminate lead in older homes where young families live. To do this, they change all the window's and seal the lead away. It is very exciting to be getting 27 new windows! Four of our front windows have been boarded up since the tornado and I can't wait to see out the front of my house again!

However to prepare for the team to come, all the window dressings need to come down, and all the furniture moved to the middle of each room. Also, in order to prepare to be at camp all week with high dietary needs, I have needed to bake our own granola and muffins for breakfast, cupcakes for dessert and hummus for lunch. Lots of food to purchase and pack and we can't forget flash lights, books on tape, and rain gear.

So, my house will stay a disaster, but I got to spend time with friends, my husband and do some fun baking. I guess it will all still be here when I get back.

It's good for my control freak characteristics to not have everything in order. However, if I die on this road trip, I will be highly embarrassed when they come to my house to get my things in order. Oh man... please don't die.

Talk to you next time from the beautiful hills of SD!!!