Flowers from my husband

I moved to MN the fall of 1999 when I came out here to attend Concordia University St. Paul. It was also when I went on my first official date. (I was told school dances don’t count.) Paul, my husband now, came to pick me for my official first date. When I opened the door, he said, “I wanted to bring you flowers, but I brought you this instead.” He then handed me an apple. I thought it was kind of silly, I mean endearing, and then he proceeded to explain. It was his favorite apple to eat, and his favorite to draw as an artist because of the color blend of the apple, and he didn’t want to bring flowers because he longed to be more original than that. And he was. He has always done things his own way. Over the course of the next three years, I never received flowers. (Unless of course I was in a theater production and it mandated that I got flowers.) Whenever I got picked up for dates, I heard, “I wanted to bring you flowers but I got you this instead.” Then I would receive a unique thoughtful little gift. Mostly from stories that I had told him about growing up and it would show me that he was listening and paying attention to me.

On Oct. 7, 2001, Paul and I went for a walk at Como Park. We were enjoying all that MN has to offer in the fall and it was a gorgeous day. We ended up under a canopy of gold, red, and orange trees. I can still see it in my mind tonight. We were holding hands and talking and then Paul said, “I wanted to bring you flowers but I got you something else instead.” Then without even seeing him, he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. “Will you be my bride?” he asked. Hands down, the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever received.

I have a box of “flowers” from my husband over the course of our 11year history. Some of it was candy, so that is long gone, but it is fun to look back at all of his tokens of appreciation and admiration of me.

When I got home from Haiti two weeks ago, my husband brought me into the house and stood me in front of our window with the blinds closed. He looked me in the eye and said, “I wanted to bring you flowers, but I got you this instead.” Pulling up the blinds, I immediately saw the HUGE mound of ice and snow removed from our walkway. Now, we are faithful in shoveling our snow. However, then the snow plow comes down the city street and blocks our walk way to the street. Our only way of getting to our car. With three children in the house, you can’t always get out there right away to clear away what the plow has piled up. Then it turns to ice, and you really can’t get rid of it. My husband watched me for the last two months, walk our children outside. Step on the mountain, put the car seat in the snow, grab one kid, and haul him over to stand in the street. Then grab the next kid to do the same. Then I would myself climb over the mountain, and the haul up the car seat and set it in the street to then grab my purse and diaper bag. Yes, it was that obnoxious. That was our reality. So while I was enjoying the 80degree weather of Haiti, my husband spent four hours ice picking at the mountain to clear a path for me to the street. This may not sound romantic, but it was a huge gesture of love and dedication and thinking of someone other than himself. It showed me immense love. Maybe we are all grown up now and that some people would still take flowers and chocolate and jewelry, but putting in the hard real life stuff is romantic to me.

So, my husband is stuck in PA and he and his friends have decided to drive through the snow storm over 24 hours to get home. I want to make sure he gets flowers upon his arrival tomorrow afternoon. I have 15in of snow to shovel out of in front the garage so he can get to his car. The plow is coming through, so I’ll have to get to the front walk way before it freezes, and then he won’t have to worry about it later. I guess that’s old people love, but its deep and thoughtful and good.

My Sabbath

I am currently in the honeymoon stage of my relationship with the Sabbath. I like it. I mean I love it. Saturday was a one day vacation and I didn’t go anywhere warm or sit on the beach. It was amazing. Here are some things that I noticed and experienced on Saturday.

• Rest is very different than not doing anything because you are exhausted or feeling lazy. I looked around and saw my partially cleaned home, but knew that I had prepared for it. Our basic cleaning was done, and the pressure of cooking wasn’t there because there was food for us to eat already made. It felt amazing. All the preparation the day before so that I could truly bypass my chores for one day. When you work and live and play all in the same place, there is always something to do. But this day allowed me not to think about it. I could rest my mind, my body, and focus purely on my family.
• I realized how often I use my chores as an excuse to stop playing with my kids. When we are playing puppy or star wars and I want to be done, I always have something else to do to tear me away. I hate being honest about this, but its true more often than I want to admit. But on Sabbath, there are no chores, no preparing meals, so I play. It forces me to be truly present in my day. Be present with my children and invest in what they want to do. My mom always said that was apart of love, doing something the other person enjoyed even if you didn’t want to.
• Most of my day was not spiritual. It wasn’t this long prayer time where I was always reading the Bible. I did read scripture on my own and with my children, but most of the day was just living. Being together. Doing things together. But isn’t that also Spiritual? Isn’t that in the essence also just purely loving someone. Being with them and making them a priority? So I guess my day was holy, but it just felt like life.
• I LOVED not having to cook! Seriously. I really do like the cooking, but the pressure of it three times a day all the time is a bit much. I felt like a load had been lifted off me for even just a little while. That rest made my day feel like vacation.
• I loved having a break from Technology. As much as I love the internet, and I do, really, not having that expectation of being on, connecting with people, relying on it for recipes and what not, was a breath of fresh air. Kind of like how we don’t know how to exist with cell phones anymore, but when it breaks or powers out, we feel a little relief (after the panic of course). It felt good to be present in only one world, and not also in the faux world of the internet. I had to be here and only here. It showed me how much I divide my time and attention between so many things. No one ever really gets all of me. Sabbath will help that.
• It’s hard to slow down. It feels different than normal, which is probably why it’s so hard to do. We get comfortable in our rhythms and then it’s hard to do something new. To take a break day. Every week to take a break. (Don’t shake. Take a break. Hehehe) It felt very good to take time to take care of myself, my kids, our relationships and our relationship with God.
• It was easy this one week. I fully expect there to be some hard choices coming up. To move it from something fun to do and how much it benefits us, to it truly being a priority so we have to say no to something we want to do. We are trying to carve out a new rhythm and that takes time to figure out.
• I was reminded how much God desires this for us. He has it set in motion for a reason. It is there to help us and not to hurt us. To fulfill his promise of giving us life to the fullest.
• On Sunday I felt rested. It was great. I got a lot done and still didn’t even turn on my computer. I stayed more present with my kids and that was good. Sabbath will remind me every week what is important. I need that, cause frankly I have a bad memory. Oh, like, today is my grandpa’s birthday. Good. I should remember to call him.
• There are some people who were a little freaked out that we were doing this. I think a little concerned that it was going to move into being legalistic. Truly, that is not why we are doing this. First, I want my life to love the Lord and this is something that he asks from us, just like the rest of the commandments. And, we wanted time together as a family. We wanted to see what God has in store for us. Taking a Sabbath is for our benefit. Why? Well, we are going to find out.

the Sabbath

I've been on this journey of exploring the Sabbath. I find it interesting that of all the basic 10 commandments, its the one I, and so many choose to ignore. My conclusion is that for myself, I am full of pride and independence that I could choose which things to listen to in scripture and which to not. Now, I believe and follow the doctrine that we are free in Christ, and scripture also says, everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. I get it. I will still end up in heaven if I don't observe the Sabbath. God will love me the same if I don't do this. That isn't the issue. (I am excited at the idea of the depth in our relationship because of it though.)

If we look at all the things in Scripture that God directs us to do. Don't kill. Don't lie. Don't cheat. Love Him only. Don't commit adultery. Serve others. Give God your first fruits, Etc. All of these things benefit us in some way. All of them protect us and others. And all of them lead us to trusting God to be enough. When these laws/rules/guidelines for living aren't followed then pain and suffering and distrust, anger and hate follow. Brokenness follows. So why don't we, I'll just stick with me. Why don't I believe this to be true regarding the sabbath as well? God put it out there with all the rest of the rules, but I completely ignore it saying that one seems harder to me. It doesn't' fit my schedule. That one doesn't apply anymore. Why am I ignoring the Sabbath? God has it set in place to protect me. To guard me. To love me. To help me. Just like the rest of the rules. Murder hurts people, yes even the one doing it. Adultery hurts everyone. Idolizing anything other than God destroys our relationship with him and gives us a false outlook on life. The Sabbath exists to protect me.

So, with that being said, it was my New Year's resolution to start observing the Sabbath. I haven't done it officially yet. My past behavior would claim since I haven't done it yet and I've missed five weeks, that I should call it a failure and forget it. I won't. I'm starting late, but I'm gonna do it. When talking to my children about it, they got a little confused and thought they had to rest in bed all day. We'll figure out guidelines for this. I haven't searched all of scripture to know exactly how to do this. I am confident it looks different for everyone. And another thing I am sure of is I will not be working tomorrow. A very wise friend told me to start with just a few hours or half a day. Get that much into my habit and then carving out a whole day will be easier in the future. So that is what we are doing.

Tomorrow is our family's first Sabbath. I have the dishes all done. The laundry is done. I have chili made so I don't have to do dishes tomorrow. I will make muffins tonight so I don't have to make breakfast or do dishes. My big goal is not to cook or do dishes. That is work to me. House chores is work, so that will be done today. Being online is work, so I will unplug my computer. I am getting gas today, stopping at the bank and picking up more banana's today. I won't grocery shop tomorrow or run errands.

Prepping for the Sabbath is a lot of work today. But I am excited at the rest that comes tomorrow. Intentional rest. Not, I'm lazy I'm not gonna do anything, but I have prepared for today. Everything is done and ready so I can spend the day with my children and be in the word. I know I won't be perfect at this, and the rules will probably change along the way as I discover what works best for our family. But I want to honor God in what he has set forth for me. Observing the Sabbath is something he said we should do. I'm gonna find out why.

Living in the Valley

When I was younger and I would leave a youth event, camp or retreat there was always this big downer. Real life just wasn’t as fun as staying in a hotel or camp for the week. Normal life felt hard. As an adult, I still love the high. I’m kind of addicted to it. Except the high seems even bigger. When I enter a room at a youth event, people clap. That definitely doesn’t happen at home. People want to take their picture with me. People ask me to pray with them, discuss faith with them. It’s this amazing gift to experience. And I don’t have to clean or cook for the weekend. God seems like such a present part of everything I do on a weekend youth event. I love it. I really do.

When the mountain high is bigger, often the crash is even deeper. Don’t get me wrong, I love the life I come home to. I have this amazing husband who supports me, loves and encourages me. He works hard at loving me and the kids and providing for us. I have these really fun kids that I want to spend time with. They have a ton of energy, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am blessed to live by incredible people that I get to call friends. Do life with them and participate in fun adventures with them. I have a wonderful life to come home to. But when I come home I still crash in the valley. I am finding this pattern in my life. Today I am crashing from an amazing two weeks. My house is a disaster! Truly. Please don’t come over. I also don’t want to cook and I love to cook. I am tired. The mountain of real life things to do is HUGE.

Real life is starring me down and its winning. I feel overwhelmed. Our tax appointment is on Tuesday and I have a lot to prepare. Receipts, mileage logs, proof of income, renters paid info, W2’s collected, etc and my company’s first official year in business. Because of the break in over Christmas, our door was fixed and the bill came in almost twice what the given estimate was, but still under the amount of our deductible, by only $100. Awesome. There is a community program that helps eliminate lead in old houses where children live. I am still doing the dance with them in what paper work they need to come and replace our windows. We are now in the 11th month of paperwork pushing. We fall under certain income levels and are eligible for energy assistance. Apparently they need more proof of our random income so there are more copies to be made by very specific deadlines which are this week. We didn’t have a front license plate on our new car, so we got a ticket. The plate was on the front dash, but didn’t have the tabs on it, so we got another ticket. Paid for both tickets on one check and they said we didn’t pay. Now we have to contest it at court. Awesome. I have contracts to write for gigs I have this summer, bills to pay, dishes to do, and no clean clothes to wear because I have ignored the laundry. The roof is leaking. The back door alarm system is broken after they replaced the door so we are in the process of fixing that. I have a trunk sitting in my entry way that has sat there for 5 weeks. It’s completely in the way and all I have to do is move it downstairs. I don’t want to. I have school applications to complete by certain deadlines, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, and school screening appointments. Grocery shopping, bank runs, and donation centers to visit. All of this while I try to take care of my children, love them, play with them and teach them about life. I mean teach them not to curse at all the things that feel and legitimately are crappy, but that God still exists in these moments. That they don’t look and don’t feel the same from on top of the mountain, but He is still here. I’ll be honest, I’m cranky today and feel like the bad guy is winning, but God is still here with me. Living in the valley isn’t like the mountain, but its real, and this is my life, the brokenness and hardness of it.

But we all have these things in our life. Some are worse than mine. But God is there too. Be encouraged. God is there with us in the valley. I am applauding for you from my living room. Here, I'll make my kids do it with me right now.

Highlights

Here are highlights from today:

• Creeped out by how much my kids like grapefruit. There knowledge of how to prepare it, eat it, and thank God for it is weird to me.
• After two days of absolute no listening, number 2 asked to come out of the room this morning, got dressed without being asked, reminded everyone to thank God for their food, asked to be excused every time he needed to leave the table, was in his coat and boots when he heard it was time to leave and said thank you mom. Wow, this one goes in the books!
• Doctor says number 3 is way beyond her development level. I need to watch out for independence, thinking she is bigger than she is, and trying things she isn’t ready for or capable of. No kidding, really?
• While also being beyond her skill level in some areas, number 3 also has decided to stop using her hands to eat and sticks her face to the table and eats like an animal. Awesome. Trade one skill for another I guess.
• Number 1 wore a batman costume all day. I didn’t care.
• I let number 1 and 2 cover their feet in marker so it looked like socks. I didn’t care. It will eventually come off right?
• Discovered that my website was done. Seriously, I have been working on this for over a year and wasn’t sure I could see it happen. I am so thankful for Jon in helping me. It is a rejoicing kind of day.
* Batman beat out Jesus today in superpowers. Jesus didn't raise the dead dog from the dead, batman just did CPR.
* Number 3 is the big bad baby who eats everyone in the village. All superhero's must save the people from her. Poor girl is going to have a complex some day.
• Worked really hard, wrote more notes and outlines for my talk tonight than I usually do. Was feeling awesome about my talk. Got new ink to print it off and left it on my coffee table when I left the house. Seriously? I totally spoke without a net tonight and it freaked me out. I prayed and prayed, God be my words, and he did. I have no idea what I said, so not sure how it went.
• Took all three kids to my speaking event. At the end, number 1 decided to give away as merchandise as I sold. We have to work on his business skills.
• On the way home the kids and I decided that they should host their own show like the brothers on their favorite show Zabomafoo. They decided their show was going to be hosted in superhero costumes. The top ideas of their superhero names are:
o Super sense – the ability to sense evil and fight for good. Also works to have great long lashes to help with seeing
o Pajama boy – fights crime at night while sneaking out of bed
o Girl brother – half boy half girl. Not sure what kind of superpower that is, but hey they’ll figure it out.
o Heart man – he throws hearts and his whole costume is a heart cause he cares so much about people. He loves them to death.

• Oh man these were crazy. Still working on what the daily show would look like, but we can figure that out tomorrow.
• When I have a crazy day and can’t think straight, instead of yelling at the top of my lungs, or quietly meditating, I like to listen to music as loud as humanly possible. Somehow it feels like the loudness pulls out the angst and frustration and crazy. It’s not spiritual, but man it makes me feel better.
• Mmmmm….a cup of coffee and an hour out of the house at Spyhouse. My day is good.

Conversations

This past weekend I got to speak with a really great friend of mine, Henry Graf. What I love about speaking with Henry is that we have tried to create a conversation style presentation when we are on stage. From almost the beginning of our friendship, Henry and I have had great conversations. We talk about family, life, struggles, but mainly, what God is teaching us in life. It's amazing because I didn't really talk this way with many friends, but I did with Henry. Henry and I don't see each other very often, but when we do, we get deep real quick. We have humor enough to share, and we do, but what I appreciate about our conversations is how real they are.

My friend Lindsey picked me and Lulu up from the airport on Sunday after the event. We were sharing about our weekends and all that was going on in our lives. At one point, my friend was sharing about how she wasn't honoring God with how she lived this past week. I was taken aback by her statement. Had I even thought about that at all? Was the way I was choosing to live my life honoring God this past week or weekend? Without even knowing it, she spoke truth into my life and challenged me to dig deeper.

Throughout my life I have noticed how much conversations have enriched, encouraged, challenged, and spoken wisdom into my life. Conversations hold the power to uplift or tear you down. To leave you feeling encouraged, or empty. Conversations I have valued the most are those that always point me back to the Lord unintentionally. Its just talking with friends about life. What is difficult, challenging, etc, and there my friend will sit and speak love and encouragement to me. They speak Jesus into my life.

I found myself very blessed lately to have many of these conversations. I have noticed that I have some incredible people I have in my life; friends that are seeking God daily. So many that speak encouragement and truth into our conversations. It has also taught me to listen and learn from our times together.

I have also noticed how many people are really terrible at conversation. Very often I find myself being the only one asking questions about the other person. (in which case its more like an interview) What’s going on in their life, how are things going, etc. What I have found is that there are quite a lot of people who don’t ask anything about me. They either don’t care or don’t know how to ask. And then if they do ask, the only questions are surface questions. I am saddened to think of how many people I know that are really terrible at conversations.

When people list all the ways that God speaks into your life; the Bible, prayer, church, etc., don’t ever belittle the community of God. The conversations that happen when we talk and listen to other believers. Many conversations in our days, weeks and months exist with no real depth, meaning, listening, or encouragement. But my prayer is that we can dig deeper with other believers, friends and family. We can talk about things that we never have before. Find truth and freedom in our faith and in our relationships. It is amazing how God teaches us through conversation.

It brings me back to speaking with Henry. Because of this reason we have chosen to have a conversation from stage and the last month has shown me how much people can relate to that. That they enjoy listening to a conversation that digs deeper, and prayerfully will make them want it for their lives.

The adventure begins

OK Folks,

10 bags packed!

Kitchen cleaned.

Bathroom cleaned.

Five people bathed, nails clipped, hair straight. (well sort of.)

Rides to the airport arranged.

Four babysitters are prepared.

Notes from mom and hot chocolate packed for winter adventures for the kiddos.

All the laundry done and clean sheets on the beds.

Mother-in-law flying out to see me in Indy! yay for surprises.

This weekend, all five of us will be somewhere different. (Well, I guess Lu will be with me.) Its exciting. The kids get special sleepovers and probably more treats and TV than mom usually allows. Who wouldn't like that right?

Paul gets to go to camp and do music with his band. He is excited for slightly warmer temps, camping, playing music and broom ball. I think.

I get to take Lu with me and head on a plane today to Indy. I get to hang out with 350 Junior Highers, speak with my dear friend Henry Graf, and get to work with Cathy Pino, Beckie Alborn and Katie Ernst. Holy Cow I am excited for my weekend.

Noah gets to spend the night with his friend Kieran and then off to his other family, the Hoods to meet up with Caleb. This is after their babysitter today takes them to a dance competetion. Oh my. They will have stories when I come home.

When we are all together after a weekend away, my favorite thing is sitting down and telling stories. I will share some of those stories with you when I return. Until then, have a great weekend. Check my facebook for weekend updates and photo's.

Slow Down

I get that my life is crazy. I do a lot of traveling, I am a part of a mission project, I have a public speaking ministry, I am a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, citizen, and it makes life hectic. In each of those roles, there are responsibilities, bills, relationships, cleaning, maintenance, etc. But don't we all have that on our plate in some way? Isn't the common response to "How are you?" "Busy, but OK, or Busy but good." Busy is the new fine.

Being busy is normal, we've made it normal, and we are all trying to figure out how not to be so busy. (Maybe like we're all trying to figure out how to diet and loose a little extra weight.) I don't even like saying that I'm busy anymore because I can't get any sympathy. I'm in the same boat as everyone else.

But is there a way to stop the cycle? To really slow down and change the way we do life? Aren't we in complete control of our schedule? We are the ones who say yes or no to the opportunities presented to us.

The last few months my family has tried to slowed down. I was that person who had play dates a few times a week. We were going all the time to do this or do that. I had a hard time staying home and I thought it was fun. I was doing all these great things with my kids. Fun activities, and educational outings. But we were going all the time. We were loosing the art of just being together. Learning that we don't have to go from one activity to the next. In taking that much of life, its almost like you miss out on it.

You know, in slowing down, I have noticed a few things.
* I have so much more patience with my kids. I'm not as stressed out, so there is more time to teach, be calm and show my kids a better way to behave. (By that I mean, I'm not yelling all the time, just half the time.) :)
* We have more time for reading, talking, dancing, and just being together.
* My kids have learned how to be content without constant activity. They can play nicely on their own (still with normal sibling fights), but even more than that, they use so much imagination to make up things to do without my direction.
* Because we are home more and just around each other, my kids have this freedom to ask incredible questions and we get such great conversations.
* With slowing down at home, I have found that my expect ions regarding life have changed. It isn't about how much I get done (I do still struggle with this), but the relationships I am in. My husband and I are stronger and closer than we've ever been.
* Bedtime is calm and full of snuggles and songs.
* Life has more peace. I care less about what I'm missing out on.
* I have energy to get up and do devotions in the morning. I have time to really seek God's counsel in my life.
* My house isn't any cleaner, but I don't care anymore. (OK, most of the time anyway.)

I know we are busy. I know its hard to learn to say no. I still really struggle with that. It's even harder to say no to good things. Great things. Amazing opportunities. But what would it look like if we set up boundaries for our life. To protect the things we care most about? How much activities will we say yes and no to? How many nights will we spend out of the house? When will we get family time?

We are in complete control of how busy we are, so if you don't like it, try to make a better choice. The rewards are worth it.

I used to run around and do all sorts of fun things I think partly because I didn't want to be home. I thought that communicated I didn't have a life. I wanted to be that person that didn't let having kids change her life. But I also think there was a level of immaturity in there. A fear of being by myself because I wasn't sure I liked myself. By running around all the time and never allowing time to just be. Be creative. Be myself. Learn from books, from my relationships, from exploring the things I'd always wanted to do and never had time to do. I have started to discover myself and learn what I am capable of. I have had time to invest in others and really learn what it means to love them. I feel I am starting to live John 10:10, "I have come that they may have life and have it the fullest." I am experiencing deep peace, contentment, real joy, self acceptance, and a faith in God I didn't think was capable for me. This kind of depth in life is what I wish for everyone.

I get that life has crazy busy times. I can't escape that. But I don't want it to be normal for me anymore. Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong with adventure. I LOVE adventure, but just like everything else, within proportion.

Whiplash

I was in Haiti on Monday morning talking with my friend and her fiance. By evening I was sleeping in my own bed next to my husband. I had waited two long years to go. There was an earthquake, Cholera, shootings and robberies since I had been there. There was a lot that happened in that country since I'd been last. It was different.

Then there was me. I am in the U.S. wondering what my role is. How can I help. What is my next step. What can I do. I felt lost in my relationship with Haiti and I wanted to go to sort some things out.

I leave in one day for a youth event in Indiana. My husband will be gone to camp for the weekend with his band. My daughter will come with me and my boys will be split up between two different families. There is a lot to prepare. This week my very first CD project was completed. My website is going to launch this weekend, and I got an order of 200 T-shirts that I need to prepare for my event. There is much to do.

I have three days in between my trip to Haiti and a speaking weekend. There has hardly been time to process what happened, there is too much to do in life to sit and reflect. I hope I can find those answers soon. I am experiencing a bit of the surreal. These lives are so different, and I exsist in both. In each place I carry the other with me.

What I do know is this:
* I'm OK now without the answers. I know they will come.
* I need to learn more Creole. Knowing the language is a key to success. It is the doorway to the relationships I am longing for in Haiti. It will show me, I am certain how to help.
* There is still much joy in that country.
* For all the money that was promised that hasn't been seen, many people are on the ground working for a better Haiti. A healing Haiti. Those people are your local missionaries, and non of the big wigs.
* Tent cities will be around forever. I'm not sure how any of those who live there will ever get out. Let's make it possible for their children to live in real homes.
* Much, much, much work is needed. There is much to be done. Let us not give up the fight.

Organic with money and such

I wish trying to feed my family and teach my kids how to eat well and healthy wasn't so darn expensive. (And by well, I mean really great tasting fun and exciting food. I want them to be adventurous with food.) I wish stores made it easier. I wish time made it easier. I wish money made it easier. Man reading this, I sure don't like to work very hard. ha!

I don't like the word "organic" but love everything that it means. I just hate how trendy it sounds. It almost sounds pretentious because you know how expensive it is. When in reality, it's the way food ought to be. Clean without chemicals, no preservatives and supporting the farmer who chooses to grow healthy, natural food with a little carbon foot print. It's the way it used to be and should be. I love cooking and making food, but the expectation of it three times a day gets a little daunting. I mean, if I'm not cooking, at least three people aren't eating and as a parent, its kind of my job. I think I would get arrested for not feeding them. One thing I really hate is washing dishes. Oh man there is nothing I like about that. And cooking and making food from scratch means dishes. Not just plates, but pots and pans.

These things are always on my mind. My kids are always hungry and I need to be thinking about what they are going to eat. We have a rule, fruit and/or veggies at every meal. My kids know words like dairy, protein, whole grain, vegetable, fruit, balanced diet. I say those things not because we are perfect, we are FAR from that, I just think, this is the only body we have, and we are shaping these little minds to understand food and what it does for you. I want them to have a healthy idea of what food is. That it is a gift. Something to be enjoyed and not filled with regret after eating it. I want them to love good food and enjoy the experience of eating.

I wish there was a better way to balance money and healthy eating. We always have fresh fruit and vegetables, but then we have to make sure we eat them all before they go bad. In order to have them around at convenience, they have to be frozen. (Convenience is a huge deal to parents of multiple children. Its hard to keep dragging three kids around to the store in 5degree weather.) I prefer frozen over canned because of more preservatives. However, it sure is tempting when money is really tight and there is a big sale on canned soups, veggies and fruit.

My son asked me about a squeeze jelly he really wanted. I told him no because of how bad it was for him. There was almost no actual fruit or berries in the jam. He asked why if it was so bad for us, would the store sell it? Why would they want to hurt us he wonders? Good question. Isn't there anyone we can trust in providing good real food? Yes, the Co-ops. I love Co-ops, except for our budget.

Then I think, how much is our health worth to us? Maybe I can decrease our finances somewhere else, to increase the food budget. That means I have to address our budget. I hate that almost as much as dishes.

Ahh. I heard a super model say once, she eats healthy 80% of the time. She felt that was a good effort. If it works for her, maybe it will work for us.

Looking at a lifetime of balancing that out.

What is mission work?

I was asked one time what I thought missions was. I have come to realize that it is two different things, but we often consider it as only one.

1. To witness about the life saving work of God through Jesus Christ.
2. To help feed the hungry, bring medicine to the sick, school to the illiterate, create access to clean water, etc. Meeting basic human needs and rights that so many live without.

The two stand as seperate issues. Both are needed but not necessarily together. They can support each other, or stand alone. I think our mistake comes in assuming that if you need the later, you must also need the former. If you don't have food, you must also not know Jesus. If you have ever done mission work, you would agree. There are many I have met who have much, much, much less than I do, but have a deeper rooted faith in God that would put mine to shame. (not that we are comparing.)

Sometimes as Christians I think we feel that if we are going to go and serve the basic needs of people than we must speak the name of Jesus and his truth into thier life. Isn't just showing up and caring about the basic needs of people just as God intended? If we are in a place that is helping meet those needs, than God is there. In fact, in just showing up, many of those who have needs to be met recoginze you as the answer to their prayer and give God the glory.

I do my acts of love in the name of Jesus, not that you have to know him. If I only act to persuade you to know and love God, than I will be discouraged if you don't. And if you don't in turn come to love Jesus, than do I stop loving you? Are you now not worthy of his love becuase you don't love him in return? I pray that how God uses me to love you will point you to Him, but in the end, I love you and serve you because he has commanded me to. And knowing God has created a desire in me to love you. The person I serve, and ultimelty am loving, has their own walk with the Lord. My walk with the Lord demands my time and attention and heart to the poor. In all we do we give God glory and credit for what we do, which of course we hope and pray points others to Him. But their believing in him does not waiver our committment to helping.

If you want to verbally witness and share Christ with all people, you don't have to do ministry in the slums. Maybe the better place for you to spend your time is with the middle and upper class folks. They have a lot to distract them from God's presence in thier lives. If your heart aches for people who live in unhumane conditions, than working to illimante that is very Christ like.


Both missions are needed, but not the same. They can work together and they can work seperate. But realize they are different.

A day of reconnection

I have a relationship with Haiti. That’s why it was so important for me to come. I needed to do some maintenance on my relationship with Haiti and the people I love here. I haven’t seen them in two years. Our relationship was suffering. I needed to be here. To rediscover her and be with those that are so dear to me.

Friday night we threw a Birthday party for Leonard. He is family to us. He has driven faithfully for us for over 10 years. The party was fantastic (and Leonard’s first)! We had pizza, rice and beans, fried plantains and beer. And we laughed so hard we cried watching Leonard break open his first pinata. Leonard’s oldest daughter, Nadine and I have been close friends since we met in 1999. We have emailed and called and visited one another both in Haiti and in the States. We have graduated High School together, gotten married, and had children over the years. She is like a sister to me.

Tonight I got to see Nadine. Immediately we sit and start talking. We get through the surface things and dig deep. Where is your heart? How is your relationship with your husband? What do you struggle with as a mother? What are your dreams for your future and family? What are you scared of now living in Haiti? How we can support each other so far away from one another?

Conversations with Nadine are real. They are honest. They are the big and little things in life. It warmed my heart and brought me peace to be with my friend tonight. It also showed me my desire for Haiti. To know her and love her on a very real level. To truly start to understand the depth of the people and their culture. To know them. Talk to them and hear their stories. I got to immerse myself a bit today in Haiti. Walking the streets and shopping with my friend. Eating out and talking about Haiti now and her future. What can our role be? What do they need? We clearly did not solve anything, but to sit in Haiti, talk about it and pray over it felt real.

Home

I love being here. I love the people, the culture, the air, everything. God is here. My family is here. Rachel is here. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, but only peace resides within me being here.

I will post more latr, but wanted everyone to know that I am not just here, but doing well. Lots to do tomorrow, and share again.

May you find peace where you are.

Preparing for Haiti: Part 3

I often wonder if I am a woman of my word. OK, honestly, I hate that I’m really not. I also think, what memories will my children choose to remember of me? Am I someone who played with them? Am I someone who was busy all the time? Yelled a lot. Calm in the face of struggles. Their encourager. Then there is the issue of 100 times a day my kids loose their cool over something, and I hear the words pour out of my, “Take a breath. Relax. We can’t think when we are upset. Take a breath and let’s think about this. We can be angry, but we don’t have to loose our cool.” Then it never fails, I am tested five minutes later, and yes, I loose my cool. I feel like I loose it a lot and honestly I feel like, how are my children ever going to believe anything I say when I’m not a woman of my word? When I tell them to behave one way, and then act another?

Today was a day of pushing all sorts of limits. After starting breakfast at the request of my children, my cousin called. He wanted to know how flexible my travel time was because of all the weather around the country. He wanted me to leave 12 hours earlier than expected. Oh. OK. We can make that happen. I call Paul, I find a sitter, I wash a dish, I turn the TV on for the kids so I can pack, and we’ll make this happen. Then I go to grab my passport. Not where I left it. I look in the second place I keep it, our files. Not there. There are three places I keep my passport, all of them void of my one absolute critical traveling need. I call Paul, he doesn’t know. While my heart starts beating faster, I am trying to retrace my steps. Really difficult for me, when so many of my days feel the same. Then I have this vague memory of starting to pack for Haiti a month ago and moving my passport with my jewelry. Yeah. The Jewelry box that was stolen off my dresser at Christmas. I don’t have it. I don’t have a passport and I am supposed to leave for Haiti in four hours.

I stood their paralyzed. I started to cry, then I started to weep. A really hard cry from deep within. I hadn’t felt violated with the burglary until just then. They finally had taken something critical from me, my opportunity to go Haiti. I was looking at yet another trip cancelled. I couldn't breath. I was crying so hard. I called my friend Lindsey. She could talk me out of this place. Speak truth to me. Pray for me. I’m pretty sure she thought I had been attacked and when I told her what happened, she responded, “It’s OK. We can do this.” She found a passport emergency office here in the Twin Cities. There are only a handful of offices around the country, and wouldn’t you believe that one of them is 10 min from our house. It was noon. My kids hadn’t eaten, and I got an appointment at 1pm. I’m printing off applications, yelling at my kids to get their coats on while they are still in their pajama’s. Somehow we did it. I got my kids to the downtown office, after getting them upstairs, we had to go four blocks to the Post Office and get my photo taken, go back and finish the application, then go back outside to feed the meter. It was a crazy two hours and I yelled at my kids a lot to walk faster, stop complaining, stop touching everything, stop interrupting, you name it. Then I got my passport. It was a miracle. In two hours I went from having no passport to having a passport and leaving for the airport.

But I wasn’t proud of how I treated my children. In the face of hardship and struggle and stress, I wasn’t the woman of my word that I wanted to be. We would pray and then I would just freak out again. My kids saw me crying and tearing apart my room looking for my passport. When my son looses his favorite blanket and he starts freaking out and yelling that someone took it, I tell him to calm down. Retrace his steps. Yelling isn’t going to help. I get that a blanket and passport aren’t on the same level to an adult, but to a child, his absolute favorite possession is missing. Just like mine. We are in the same place and I expect more from him than I am able to deliver myself. Most days I disappoint myself in how I behave. I want to the woman I trying to raise my kids to be.

I live by the promise of “one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.” God is gracious to me as I learn.

Preparing for Haiti: Part 2

Tonight as I was sending confirmation emails to my babysitters and writing instructions and information on caring for my children, it hit me. I'm going to Haiti in two days. I think I'm really going this time. And then my heart started to beat faster. If I really expect to go, will that jinx my trip and something will happen? (I don't really believe that, but I also don't want to take any chances.)

Here's the deal. This trip is a really big deal to me. I haven't been back to Haiti in two years. Two very long years. I didn't want to go with a team, because when you lead a team, you want and need to be available to them and what they need to process their experience. I don't have that to give right now, I'm trying to process my own issues with my ministry in Haiti, I can't help anyone else right now.

Loving Haiti the way I do is difficult for me because my daily life doesn't allow for the dedication, attention, and time I want to give it. I don't have a lot of space or time to keep connected to the latest news. Any parent can tell you that getting on the phone sends a secret signal to your children. They need you right now, they are fighting, they need help in the bathroom, they're hungry, they fall down and are screaming. Phone calls are hard in my house. Try it sometime and give me a ring. See how long it lasts. So doing ministry during the day can be an issue. Taking three kids out to the store to research needs and donations is almost like an Olympic event. My children's pictures live on our computer. Its true. My oldest is five and our first family photo went up this year. I am really bad at printing and posting, and framing pictures, so all my Haiti pictures live next to my children's on the computer. On a daily level, there is not much evidence of my love for Haiti unless you can see into my heart and hear our family's prayers. But that doesn't mean that it isn't one of the greatest loves of my life.

I have the honor of serving on a board of incredible people who also love Haiti. At times I watch how their commitment to this place and these people and their daily interaction far exceeds mine and I feel lost. Left behind per say. Having a husband and three children keeps me busy in a different way. The board of the HMP is filled with go getter's. We are crazy busy, but mine has a different rhythm, and that makes me feel alone. With that being said, it has left me in the last couple years trying to find my ground. Trying to figure out what my role is in all of this. To serve with friends who can do far more than I can. To love a country and a people that I feel I neglect in more ways than one is hard to live in.

So that brings me back to, I get to go to Haiti in two days. People ask what I'm going for, and my honest answer is, I don't know. I just know I need to be there. I have some great things lined up, but I don't have a big mission that I need to accomplish. All I really know is that a country I have been in love with for years has experienced some truly horrific things in the past year and I just need to be there. It was torture to cancel our trip last Jan. Even worse to be pregnant and know that I couldn't help in anyway possible. It was the worse feeling I've ever had. I need to go. I need to see my friends. I need to see Haiti. I need to feel Haiti. I need to breathe Haiti. I need to rediscover Haiti. My country has changed, and I want to meet her again. To get to know the new Haiti.

So how am I preparing? I'm not really sure. I am afraid of having expectations that won't be met. How do you get rid of expectations if you don't even know you have them? I'm pretty sure I'm guarding my heart because I don't know what to expect. I do know I am afraid of feeling more lost when I leave Haiti then when I show up. What can I do to help? How do I live my role in life and love Haiti? What I can count on is that God is already there.

I remember two years ago waking up at dawn in Haiti. The very first light of dawn was breaking, and I thought, I want to see the sun rise. I went up on the roof wrapped in my sheet and sat down. I didn't do a lot of praying, I just sat there soaking in what God does when he awakens a new day. Did you know that from the first light of dawn till the sun actually comes up it takes over an hour? Truly that long. I couldn't believe how long it took, but it was breathtaking. On one of my road trips last year to Ohio I was driving with my kids in the car and we started our trip at 4am. Driving east, I watched the sun come up on a very clear day. It was incredible to experience the same sun. The same hour of waiting from dusk till daybreak. It was the same incredible sun. The same God who controls it. He is there and he is here.

Going to Haiti feels like going home. I've been gone from home for a very long time. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and more than anything so peaceful. I get to go home.

Confessions of a control freak

I don't know how to be a parent.

I would think the more honest folks who have children would say the same. There is no one way, right way, only way to do it. Each child, parent and situation is different, and therefore the approach is different. I get that. Then there is the nature vs. nurture argument. Don't even get me started on that one. Let's just agree its a combination of both. If we sway to far to either side we are either convicted of laziness or pride.

One of my issues with being parent is how much it reveals my sin, weakness, doubt, worth and fear in who I am and what I believe about God. While parenting reveals this to me, it doesn't leave me much time to process or work through these issues. I'm just faced with them and the reality that if I can't work through them, I will pass them along to my children. Great! Who signed up for this right?

While I have much to say about all of these things in my life, the one I want to focus on today is my tendency, or compulsion, to control things. (everything) The hard thing is that when you start out as a parent, you have to control A LOT of things. Feedings, diapers, bedtimes, baths, nook or no nook, what to touch, what not to touch, what to say, what we don't say, TV time, computer time, what toys are appropriate and allowed in the house, who are they friends with, what will they do with their time, what food can they eat and not eat, etc. There is a lot we control as parents, but that somehow it starts to speak a lie into our lives that we actually can control more than we should in regards to our kids.

My oldest son is five. He will start Kindergarten in the fall. For the past year and half I have struggled with what to do with him regarding school. (struggle seems like a very tame word for what I have gone through emotionally.) I have cried, OK weep is more like it, been very confused, read a ton of material, visited countless schools, talked to parents of all different walks, but mostly just really been frustrated that God hasn't given us an answer. This is a really big freaking deal. My son will now be in the hands of someone else for 7-8 hours of every day. He will spend more time somewhere else than he will with us at home. At home where we talk about Jesus all the time. Where we pray, and fight and ask for forgiveness. A place where I can make sure he eats his vegetables and will receive discipline for wrong behavior. A place where I can encourage his learning and growth, we play, we dress up, we cook, we talk, we laugh and have dance parties. I love my children.

Side note: I get that as parents, we aren't their best friends. We aren't even supposed to be friends. We are their parents first and foremost. This is not to say that we can't have of fun together and play and love one another, but I'm not their friend. That is a boundary and title for other people. I teach, train, instruct, and love beyond any mistake. I am their mother. That's a different role with different boundaries. However, its really hard to not be friends with my kids when I enjoy hanging out with them so much. I spend more time with them than the man I said I would share my life with. I love spending time with them. Why would I want that to end? In essence, one of my closest friends will be leaving me. That's a sad day.

As you read that, you will see that all those comments are about me. What I want, what I like, what I need, etc. It's hard to be faced with that truth. Its also really hard to let my kid go. To let go of control. Man I hate that word. See, I know I was never really in control. I know that. But choosing where to send my kid to school challenges me to the very core of that belief. So much so that I really wrestled for over a year about Homeschooling my children.

This post is not about Homeschooling vs. traditional schooling. I support both. Both have good and bad going for them. This post is about my journey and struggle with my children. And FYI, God is in both places.

In my prayer time with God about our children and school, I started to journal. When I journal, lots of crazy thoughts are brought to light, and then I can really start to see the root issue of why I think or feel the way I do. Here is what I discovered. I am putting this out there, so you can judge if you want, I realize its crazy, but I have surrendered it to God.

I loved the idea of homeschooling my kids. It kept us together. I could protect them from all sorts of evil and influence. I could reinforce God as the creator of all things in all their education. There is a great network for homeschooling. I could control almost everything in my kids life because they were with me. They could spend more time playing and being creative instead of always sitting in school and doing homework. We could created a stronger family base because of the time we would have together. And then in the end it came to...I could guarantee my child's salvation if he stayed home away from all temptation.

A few issues with this.

First, this is my deepest fear for my children. It is my greatest fear because I grew up in a home that talked about Jesus but came very, very dangerously close to throwing it away. I am paralyzed in my fear of my children falling away from Christ because I can't control that. Being so tempted by dangerous things that they will damage a large part of their life. (I believe that God loves the damaged, heals the damage, and restores us to full life. I believe that Good comes from bad, but I also know that real life consequences make enjoying the fullness of God's life harder.) I can not guarantee my child's salvation. I hate that. It makes me cry.

Second, if you continue down that line of thinking, it reveals that somewhere I believe that Jesus doesn't exist in public school, or that he isn't strong enough to keep my child from falling away. So many things are wrong with this statement, I don't even know where to begin, but it all comes down to my fear of loosing control. I can't control all the things that go on in my son's day now. The kids that will hurt him. Make fun of him. Teach him how to curse and lie, or steal. The kids that will show him how to be mean, make fun of other kids, gossip, tease, and disrespect others. The list goes on and on.

But here is the truth. My child already knows how to do most of those things. Because the third thing is, Sin doesn't just exist "out there". It exists in our very soul. We are born with it. It lives with us and will stay with us till the day we die. What sending my child to school will do, is show him how to live in a world where all people don't believe in Jesus. It will force me to parent even more. To show my kid I am here no matter what. To talk with him about all the things he is learning, both good and bad. It will most definitely teach me to lift my son up in prayer every single day into the hands of the one who loves him more than me. The one who is powerful enough to help him when I can not. The one who will love him into eternity. The one who will be with him when he is away from me and being tempted. He has the true power to help him choose.

Whew. I really don't have any control. I don't have control, nor am I supposed to control my kids. My job is to love them. Help them. Teach and train when I can. But in the end, love them. Isn't that what its all about?

Today we visited a Chinese Immersion school for Noah. In Feb. we will know if he was selected in their lottery. Once we know what our options are, then we pray even harder. I am confident God will let his voice be heard. And if I can't hear beyond the fear, I am confident that God exists beyond that. Either way, God will go wherever Noah does. Thank you Jesus for that.

Preparing for Haiti: Part 1

If you know me at all, you know how important Haiti is to me. You should also know its been two years since I've been able to go. An earthquake, having a baby, sickness, work and lack of babysitters has kept me from being able to go. But, now I leave in less than week! (Thank you so much to all of you have supported me financially and with taking care of my children so I can go. I know I owe it all to you.)

There are lots of things that need to happen to prepare for a trip to leave. (passport, shots, money, tickets, donations, etc.) I'm used to this, because I also travel for work. Being the parent who is primarily home, there are many family related needs to be met and prepare on top of trip things. This next week will be all about preparing to leave.

Today I made four dinners to put in the freezer for my family to eat while I'm gone. I will also make sure there is a batch of Hard Boiled eggs, whole wheat pancakes in the freezer, cereal, and fruit available for breakfast. I want to make sure that Elle has enough diapers, formula, medicine, wipes, clean clothes, bibs, and snacks. I want my kids to have had baths, clean sheets, clothes, snacks, and activities planned. There will be extra toliet paper, garbage bags, paper towels, crayons, coloring books, food, bottled water, and laundry soap. Did I miss anything? I'm sure I did. I will have all baby sitters phone numbers listed, my contact info, Paul's and other important people who know my kids listed. I will have lists upon lists upon lists for the wonderful people who are supporting my ministry by watching my kids. I'll even make sure I have back up sitters. I will also need to walk through the house and pull out into the open all the things that we generally need during a week. (I am often rearranging our things, so it makes it difficult on my poor husband who can never find anything. It changes almost weekly, so its hard for him to keep up if I keep moving our crap.)

If you read this, you may think that is bit on the crazy side of things. My husband used to think it communicated I thought he couldn't do it. That I didn't think he was capable of taking care of the kids. (we've talked through this though.) That isn't why I plan the way I do.

Something always goes wrong. Its a truth in life. If we can accept that, than we won't be disappointed. A truth in our life, is something always goes wrong with the sitter, usually. You can also count on Paul being swamped at work, but he can't stay late, because he needs to relieve a babysitter. Then when he comes home he has three kids to play with, take care of, dinner to serve and clean up after. Then after everyone is in bed, he pulls out his computer and works some more till about midnight or later. In the morning he will need to get ready himself, make lunch, feed the kids, get them dressed, and clean up from breakfast while getting ready for the sitter to show up. It's a lot. By preparing the way I do, I try to free up a little of his time to deal with those things, instead of EVERYTHING!.

When I leave I realize I throw a wrench in our life. I throw us off balance. I get that. Now, I fully believe in what I'm doing when I leave. Traveling as a speaker is something I know God has called me to. Traveling to Haiti and having that be apart of our life is something I believe God has called my family to. But it is also a big sacrafice on the ones I leave behind.

I love my family. I love my husband very much, and doing all the prep is my way of saying "Thank you". Thank you for supporting me and never holding me back. Thank you for being a single parent for awhile so I can do what I do. I make dinners for you so you can come and be with the kids. I have already taken one parent away from them for a few days, I want their dad to be there with them, not cooking in the kitchen. To have the house the stocked up with all the things we might need, allows my husband to get done as much as he possibly can at work and not be late for the sitter because he has to stop at the store. There are a million things to do as a parent. The more I can do for my husband allows him to be present with our children. To play with them. Have patience with them. Teach them and instruct them.

Sometimes we judge others in their relationships and how they work and function. Some would have said that I find my husband incapable because you didn't know the reason for my actions. But now you know that I find my husband very capable. I just know what it means to take care of three kids all day long alone. I would take help everyday if I could get it. But in this way, I can help and still be present, even when I'm away.

I will be leaving on Thursday morning for Haiti and I will be gone for five days. For me its a short trip, but worth every moment of getting ready. Today my friend Joanna will drop off my two large bags of donations for me to take along. The preparations have begun!

All the single ladies!

This is a song my husband would sing to our daughter when she was 4months old. He would sing, "All the single babies, all the single babies..." It was a bit ridiculous, but completely entertaining. This has now proven to be her favorite song and she starts dancing and bouncing every time her brothers sing it to her. Huge smile on her face.

This also describes a lot of my really close friends. When I take inventory, I'm pretty surprised to know how many amazing single women I know. (and men, but this isn't about them) Isn't it usually the other way around? Everyone knows only married people? Well, not for me. I think to myself, I have incredible women in my life and they are all single. Until recently.

Its been fun to hear the excitement in their voices about a boy. A really cute boy. A boy that likes and in some cases, loves them back. A boy that sees the beauty, intelligence, kindness, soul and spirit of these gals.

I love the beginning of a relationship. Its SO much fun. Completely scary, but SO much fun. Its new. You want to talk to this person all the time. When they say you are beautiful, its like you've never heard that before and you believe for the first time. You get all dolled up to go out and feel special. You care about everything they say. And in almost every case, they only know the good stuff about you. It's like all the stupid stuff you do they don't know yet, so you are the best version of yourself, which is awesome!

I was talking to a friend of mine who is in this situation and I tried to encourage her to just live in this place because it doesn't last. The excitement, the feelings, the nervousness, the giddiness, the feeling of cloud nine. The beginning of a relationship is just that, the beginning. It made me think of what happens in relationships.

I don't want to go back to the beginning. I LOVE my husband. The beginning of our relationship was filled with all these things, and it was so much fun. It was exciting. But I wouldn't go back there. We may not be giddy every time we see each other anymore, though it still does happen. We know quite a lot about each other, definitely all the junk, so there's no hiding from each other. But the depth of love we have for each other, is irreplaceable. To have someone in your life who knows you better than you know yourself. Who knows ALL your junk, weaknesses, bad habits, tendencies, sins of past and present, and looks at you and says, I love you. Every morning. I see you for who you are and I don't want anyone else. You're it. I love you and think you are incredible. To have someone think you are still amazing and know everything about you? That's love. That's depth. I'll take that any day.

But you need the beginning to get to the middle to finish at the end. You need the beginning to lay the foundation for all that will come. I am excited for my friends. I can't wait to watch the joy and the pain of them learning about love. And now we can talk about it together. I love that even more.

Thank you God for seeing me for all that I am. For all the promises broken. For all those I will make and break in the future. For all my failed attempts of loving you and others. Thank you for the depth of your love for me.

Thank you Paul for being God's representative in my life. To see me for who I am. Know me like you do, and still want to be with me. I have tested you and us, and still you remain. You are my every day reminder of Jesus and God's love and forgiveness in my life. I love you, and you are still the cutest guy in the room. Any room.

Genie in a Bottle

My husband and I were stopping at the store, he was running in to grap the few items we needed and I would wait in the car. While waiting, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be lovely if he brought me flowers?" I continued down this thought process until I was completely invested and convinced he was going to come out with flowers because he loves me so much. I'm so wonderful, and we are completely in love, why wouldn't he bring me flowers to show me how much he loves me? Of course he would bring me flowers. Then it happened. He came out with guess what? Only the items he went in for. No flowers! Seriously? All I kept thinking was, "why didn't he bring me flowers? That's kind of jerky." I was a little put off when he got back in the car. You can imagine how confused he was. Having a great time with wife, quick stop at store, now she's mad. Great. "So why are you upset?" he proceeds to ask me. Then, still justified in my anger, I say, "You didn't bring me flowers!" After that comment I got an ear full, but this statement stood out to me, challenged me, and leveled me in my pride.
"Its not your job to tell me how to love you. Leave loving you to me. You asked me to love you forever and I will, but that's my job. Let me do it."

Wow. Now all the five love languages stuff and open communication stuff about what I need aside, he had a very valid point. So often I dictate the rules and set up false expectations. I will have full conversations in my mind that never happen. I set people up for faliure without ever even telling them, and then they disappoint me, without knowing it and my attitude changes towards them.

"You asked me to love so let me do that." Huh. There is a very real connection for me to the way I also approach God this way. God I want_________. Fill in the blank. I want my wife to be healed. God you can love me by getting my parents back together. God I need you to take my pain away. The thing is sometimes we say it outloud in prayer and sometimes its a secert deep down that we never dare say outloud, but in both circumstances we know that if God does what we ask, then he loves us. If he doesn't do what I want, he must not love me, otherwise why wouldn't he want to make me happy? And then if he doesn't become my genie in the bottle, granting my every wish, my attitude completely changes towards him. I grow distant (like I did in the car with my husband). I have anger and disappointment filling my soul for the one who created me.

So here's the deal. This is what I learned. God is the one who created the covenant with us. He makes the rules. Period. He is all powerful and frankly, he's God so he can do that. We are the created, we don't get to make the rules, sorry about that. I know my pride takes a big hit on that one. But He also knows how to love us best. He created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. He sees from the past to the ever future. He sees all and knows all. He knows how to love us best, so maybe we should just let him. We could try to control things less, which would be a great idea. We would be disappointed less, because we would trust him more. We could love others more because we would see the ways God does loves us more.

We also have to remember that we invited sin into this place. That was our fault and God said, I will love you anyway. I will love you still. "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" (Evil, sin, temptation, weakness, humanity, satan) John 16:33 It won't always be this way.

Let Him love you. (me) Trust Him.