Our new Boiler!

I have a thousand things I want to write about. Not really sure why it is that you read this blog, so not sure what to share.

I will say that a lot of things have been happening around here. Progress with Noah, progress with the house, progress in my faith, and all sorts of crafting progress and cooking progress. (I was able to bake fresh bread again for the first time in seven months! I was up to making bread at least once a week, and then nothing. It felt good, and I'll post more about that later.)

This month we have been focusing on what we are thankful for. Creating a heart of Thanksgiving in remembering that God is the giver of all good things.

Yes I have much to be thankful for, but I'm not gonna lie, there is a huge thing that I can't let go of.

Our new boiler.

My family has been on energy assistance for the last couple of years. We are a one income family where our income hasn't changed in four years but the size of our family has. Our home was built in 1920 and we still had the original boiler. In the last couple years we have had some issues with the pilot light going out and it having a hard time starting after the summer months, but all the boiler men said the same thing, "Steam boilers last forever."

Paul and I know that we don't want to live in this house forever. We still dream of our red brick farm house with land to run around on, a barn for art and music and a garden big enough to support us. We hope this isn't the place we end up, but try to find the contentment to survive without disappointment.

Understanding the way the economy is, we both kind of knew that replacing the boiler was going to be a must to sell the house. Why would someone buy our home looking at this beast knowing they would need to replace it, when they can find a house very similar to ours, or five, with better updates.

We had gotten an estimate before and knew that to replace the original boiler, it would cost over $7,000, and potentially $10,000. There was NO way we could do this, and yet, we knew we should start saving.

Then, after the tornado, I was chatting with a neighbor and we were talking about window's and government programs and the updates on our homes, etc. She mentioned they had just gotten their furnace replaced through energy assistance. Two weeks later, they had a repair man out, and she sent him to my house. After that it only took a few consultations, a couple months and due to a leak on the boiler, they replaced it!

We got our boiler replaced! It was this side conversation that happened because of the tornado and now Paul and I look at this HUGE gift. A $10,000 repair to our home. Our old boiler worked at 20% efficiency and our new one functions at 80%.

Here is our old boiler. Scary right?


Here is all the space we gained when they hauled it out! It was a very big exciting day.


Here is our new boiler doing amazing work to heat our house! Lots of piping coming out which kind of makes it look like its going to brew beer but, hey, it's new and shiny and new. Did I say new?


So, almost every day, my heart swells to full capacity. Something I only dreamed of happening has happened. Something that helps my little family right now, (our heating bills in the winter for an old house with drafty windows and antique boiler was reaching $400 per month!) and will help us drastically when we are ready to sell. (Maybe its a sign of being old that I dreamt of getting a new boiler!)

Anyway, I don't want to live on assistance, but this year we have needed it and I feel so blessed by the ways that is giving us a foot up in our situation. I know you aren't really supposed to talk about money, not in real figures, but I had to in truth so that the weight of this gift would be truly felt. It's huge!

Mmmmm....I am sitting on my comfy couch, snuggled up and drinking a warm beverage while my new boiler keeps my kids warm as they sleep.

We have been blessed indeed.

Hello Concert Hall!

So this morning we received free tickets to Target's "introduce your kids to classical music" morning at the Ordway theater in St. Paul MN.

Here's us in front of the theater.



Here's what made this morning so fun and interesting;

1. We told the kids we were taking them to a kid concert at a theater. They instantly went to go get dressed up for the occasion. Middle decided that he would wear his play clothes UNDER his dress clothes so he can do a quick "costume" change after the concert. So look at the picture closely and you can see his jeans peeking out of the bottom of his pants. He wore two shirts, two pairs of pants, socks the whole bit. We had his play shoes in my purse.

2. The whole way to the theater, the kids kept asking if we could go up on stage. Was dad playing? Were there going to be space to run around? Do we clap along and can we dance? Clearly my kids are only used to one type of concert, so this was very good for them.

3.The kids sat through the whole concert! Little made it almost to the end. I only missed five minutes and I thought that was really impressive. The St. Paul Orchestra presented "Inside Mozart's piano" and they had an actor portraying Mozart and describing this one piece he wrote. He intertwined humor, a crazy laugh and described the music to the kids. The whole concert was 45 min and perfect for the kids to pay attention. It was really fun and Big kept asking all sorts of great music questions. Middle just kept taking off clothes because he was so warm. Go figure.

4. After the concert we played by the fountain. Here was the best picture we could muster of the kids.


Sadly I think shot is better.


If you notice the seat at the bottom of the fountain, the kids took 20 minutes to play on it. At one point there were other kids also walking around on it. I didn't see it happen, but all of a sudden Big was in the same spot as some other kids and he was going to fall into the fountain, so he lept to the higher ring on the fountain. I was sincerely impressed with his jump, even though in the end he did end up in the water. Water up to his calves. We all laughed and the other dad helped him out.

It was a fun morning listening to Mozart, getting all dressed up and venturing into the city. Playing at the park a little and home for a tasty lunch.

At this point I can probably take Big to the orchestra when he is older, but my other two have no interest. Way to boring according to the peanut gallery.

Fun fall day

It started in college. A whole day off during the best season of the year soaking in all the goodness of life. Leaves crunching under your feet with the wind starting to chill and blow at your back. Picking apples off the trees and devouring raspberries. Celebrating the art of baking and creating food from scratch by spending the afternoon in the kitchen and then sitting down with friends to enjoy the spoils of your labor. An all day event celebrating life, friendship, inspiration, and love.

I love fall, like so many others. This past Saturday we celebrated once more with friends with a harvest dinner after a morning of picking apples and raspberries.

our day is best described in photo's but I will disclaim that the best parts of the day were moments to be enjoyed, not worrying about capturing on camera. So there are photo's but they were taken quickly for the benefit of friends who couldn't join us and grandparents to see cute grand kids. If I were an artist, the pictures would be better, but alas, welcome to fun fall day.

***Side note for Laura. If you aren't Laura, than you can pass this paragraph and move forward. Or read on and share this intimate moment with me and my friend. Remember in college when my tooth was going to fall out and I couldn't bite into the apples that we were picking? You would find the perfect apple, bite into it and then give me the bite. We ate a handful of apples that way, and I believe we said, a true friend would eat your apple. This year, Big is missing two teeth and another one is loose. He couldn't bite into his apples, so I did for him what you did for me years ago. My soul always long to be near you this time of year more than normal, but you were especially close to me this year.

When we got to the orchard, we discovered a lot of fun can be had by building a tower out of tires.


Or just dirt. Yes he is saying he is king of the hill.



After we played, we picked raspberries. The fact that food grows on short bushes just her height was like a dream come true for my daughter who is ALWAYS hungry.


Then came the hay ride to the apples.




And the traditional godmother/godson photo on the hayride. Happens every year, and their just so cute.


Look mom, its perfect!


My daughter won't eat an apple at home, but she will off a tree. Guess I need to get an apple tree!


This photo seems a little out of place for her disposition for the day. Considering she was queen cranktastic, it's ironic we are both smiling as if we liked each other. Pretty sure she was mad at everything, even at this moment.


Then here is our attempt at a family photo. Paul and I doing our job, being ready for even slightest chance our children will comply and behave. Middle is hiding behind Paul, Big is the star of the show, and little is watching it all wondering how she got there. It's our best effort, which should tell you something.


After apple picking, comes crab apple ball. Find a large stick, find a sucker who will pitch to you, and practice your swing to see how many apples you can obliterate into tiny pieces.


The cheering section doesn't get any cuter or any more indifferent.


After a wonderful morning outside harvesting apples and raspberries, we went home where we greeted 30 friends with a harvest dinner. I was characteristically unprepared, but loved having all the company in the kitchen to prepare the soup feast. We had soup, summer squash, corn bread, veggies, fruit and enough wine and apple cider to serve an army. We threw blankets over tables and on the ground, put candles in mason jars and for the next five hours, just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company while the kids ran around.

I'll be honest a big part of the fun was being surrounded by all things homemade. Here are the boys pumpkins they made for centerpiece filling a little harvest basket.


Here is a look at the pumpkins I made from fabric that I picked out two years ago! I finally did it! I used to say I only sewed straight lines, but that is no longer the case.





Here is a small look at the food to be shared by all. Food brought by friends, and food prepared from our gardens. It was delicious!



Our yard may be small, and we may be surrounded by boarded up houses, but it didn't dampen anyone spirits! Fall harvest was still in the air.





The moms and babies gathered together!


My kids have a costume trunk filled with outfits to transform them and they love inviting their friends to dress up with them. I think it's just an excuse for them to dress up, though they never needed an excuse before. I think you can pick out two Iron Mans and spider man. No there are no girl options yet.



After supper, we moved the tables, hung the twinkle lanterns and started the bonfire.



While we enjoyed the bonfire, the kids played glowbowling. We took 10 small plastic bottles, filled them with water, added a bit of food coloring and dropped in a corridinating glow stick. The bottles glowed, and the kids bowled. They loved it! Look how cute these little ones are. Didn't capture a photo of them playing, we were too busy enjoying watching them.



They kids also entertained themselves with the bean bag toss. I took old scrap fabric and made some bean bags the night before and it was a huge success. They were competing with boxes, special squares on the quilt, bowls... you name it and they were trying to launch the bean bags into it for points. Here's the fun bean bags. I was pretty happy with how they turned out.



We used primarily real dishes instead of plastic to reduce our garbage waste.


(This is a SMALL taste of piles that also took over the other two counters in my kitchen along with empty wine bottles and cider containers.) That meant the clean up was monumental, but while I was sitting by the fire, my husband did an hour of dishes. While I was saying goodbye to friends, other friends put all our tables and decorations away in the garage, and the clean up was as much as an event as the preparation. We all came together to create and participate in fun fall day.

I remember sitting by the fire, looking around at the incredible people God has put in my life and I was overwhelmed with feeling thankful. It was a celebration day of God's beauty in life. Nature and people alike.

It was a good day.

A very good day.

Too quick to judge

Last night I took my two boys to volunteer at church while Families Moving Forward was there. If you know nothing of this ministry, FMF is an organization that takes a certain number of families and houses them in different churches each week to take care of their housing and meal needs. This allows families to focus on work and saving money. My job with my children was to play with the kids after dinner and help with homework.

We joined everyone at the tail end of dinner. This allowed my kids to play right of the bat, and I was able to visit with some of the parents. It was great getting to know of these parents and talking about how hard it is to provide for the needs of our kids. We talked about the major dysfunction in meal assistance and how harmful the food that is provided is to the body. We talked about our families special diet and the food that is offered to them. It was so enlightening to listen to these parents want more fresh fruit and veggies for their kids, and sometimes their only option is a pudding pack.

I spent a good portion of my meal time with a single dad named Jason, who incidentally is trying to move into a place two blocks from where we live. I'm not sure if I gained more points with him once he learned that. He looked rather surprised that we live in North. I say that because I believe his words were, "WOW, a white chick? You live in north? Get out?" I'm not sure I understand. The diversity is huge all around this city, white people included. But he was super excited to get the names of the programs that have helped us in the past in creating a safer and cleaner place for our kids to live. So there I was, helping at the homeless ministry sharing tips on government programs and how to find that helping hand when you need one.

After playing basketball with the kiddos, Mary, Jason's daughter who is in the second grade, asked me to help her with her homework. She was the star student for the week and she had to complete a poster that was all about her. There were questions like, "What is your favorite color? Favorite food? Who is in your family? Where do you live?"

Simple enough question right? Where do you live? Except if you are Mary or another 37% of grade school students and an even higher percentage of high school students, according to our local Camden neighborhood paper.

Where do you live?

Mary's answer was written without hesitation on her large poster board paper that will be displayed and highlighted to all the students in her grade and school.

CHURCH.

That's where Mary lives. She lives in a church. Her mattress is on a classroom floor shared by a handful of other people. The only other person in her family is her dad, who is trying his best to provide what he can for her.

If Mary has a nighttime routine with her dad reading to her, saying prayers, tucking her in, it is disrupted by other kids playing out in the gym. It's disrupted by the doubt and fear of what will happen next. She gets to stay at a church for one week, and then they move. Again.

Mary lives at church. And hopefully not for long, but she is only one of the dozen that were there yesterday. One of hundreds that live in the system just in our city.

I am not here to defend or protest the system, the programs the issues wrong with hand outs and hand ups. I am not staking my claim on either side of this issue.

What struck me was two things.

First, I'm confident you wouldn't know that Mary was homeless or that she lived in a church, unless she told you. She would go to school with her backpack and her clothes that maybe you might notice she wears more than other kids. But lets be honest here. In full disclosure, I have my favorite five outfits and most likely its the only thing you see me wear. If you knew me when I was pregnant at all, I had one skirt. ONE that I wore everyday. I'm not kidding. If it was dirty, I wore my pajama's until it was clean. Then I wore it again. My husband would joke that living with me was like living with the Scooby Doo clan, always wearing the same thing no matter where they were. (I think he burned the skirt. I know he hid the pajama pants.)

My point is, you often don't know the story behind people. We look at people, but we don't see them. We judge before we really get to know. I can only imagine how difficult school must seem to a young girl who moves every week. Who has to check in at her host church every night at 5:15. What does she do until then? She can't go to a friends house. She invite others over to her home. She can't go to a birthday party because she can't afford a present. She goes to sleep every night without security. Focusing on school would be increasingly difficult and nearly impossible if it were me. How is she supposed to succeed at her grades? At her friendships?

You wouldn't know Mary was homeless by just looking at her. You might I assume I was by looking at me. You never know what someones story is until you ask. Until you invest. I encourage us all to keep our judgement at bay. We are quick to judge so we can either understand in our own conclusion what we do not know, or dismiss it so we don't have to deal with it. Judgement hardens the heart. Understanding ushers forth mercy.

The second thing I noted that evening, is that my kids were genuinely confused about where Mary's mother was. I asked the boys what they thought and they said she either died or someone took her. I asked why they thought someone would take her, and Big's response was, "Because there is no reason a mommy wouldn't be with her kids."

My heart broke. I didn't correct them. Some truths aren't meant to be shared at such a young age, and I want my kids to believe that there is nothing that would take a mama away from her kids as long as possible. That will always be their truth.

So we prayed for Mary and her dad and her mom wherever she was. We agreed to leave that unknown truth to God. Only he knows where Mary's mom is, but we prayed that God would bring peace between Mary and her mom, whatever happened.

Random Wed. part 3: When the world is scary

Today things went to a whole new level in the hood.

We have lived in North Mpls for nine years now. It has had it's quiet seasons, and it's unsettling seasons. The last couple months has seen a rise in activity.

Today while I was talking on the phone outside on the sidewalk and the kids were playing in the front yard, I had 10 SWAT team members running past me quickly telling me to get inside.

I quickly hung up, and ushered my kids inside as we witnessed the SWAT team break down the door of one my kids friends homes. He lives two houses down.

The SWAT team stayed for 15min and then left alone. They took no one with them. A squad car sat outside with officers going in and out for the next half hour.

The kids and I prayed for their friend and his mom hoping that she and he were alright. When I saw the little boy outside later that night, he looked scarred. He was quiet and withdrawn. I can't imagine what goes on in a little boy's head when 10large men break down your door and have guns pointed at your dad, uncle and all their friends.

After devotions and putting the kids in bed, the sound of sirens screeching down our street, lights going, sirens blaring got both the boys up with tears in their eyes.

"Are the SWAT team coming to our house with their guns?"

Ahhhhh....and there it is. I wasn't sure how much of the afternoon sunk into the kids, but they are very well aware of everything that goes on around them.

Middle was really scared, so I laid down with him and we talked for a bit. He had questions about what the SWAT team looks for. What bad things are in his friends house? Where were the bad guys? Why are their uniforms scary? Whey did they have to break the door? Why couldn't they knock? What is the difference between ghosts and spirits? If Fire fighters protect us from fire, and police protect us from bad guys, who protects us from ghosts? (don't ask how we got there, I am still not sure.) Are ghosts real? When I close my eyes, I only see the SWAT team and their guns.

So this was my evening. Having very grown up talks with my four year old. I've never taken care of children before my own, so I don't really know how to handle these kinds of things. I often think I should tone down my honesty, but my kids seem to be able to handle it.

The thing is, there are scary things in the world. When you are a parent you want nothing more than to keep any of those bad things touching your kids. You can shield them and protect them, and try to keep anything "evil" from entering your home or shield devises, but the truth is, its gonna get in. It always does.

My kids were really tired. I was looking forward to getting them to bed early, cleaning up an easy dinner and then setting down to sew or bringing out my favorite fall decorations. I rented a movie and my husband was with the band for the night.

I had a plan.

Then life happened. Real hard things happened.

As a parent I would like nothing more than to pretend that what happened today didn't happen. I want to erase what my kids witnessed.

Or I can invite Christ into what happened. I blend the good and the bad all together and discuss with my kids what it is to be afraid. What do we do when we are scared and saying that Jesus is with me isn't' enough.

So we talked. I listened. I gave answers when I had them and was honest about not knowing everything.

I then went and grabbed a prayer shawl that was given to middle after the tornado from Calvary Lutheran in Golden Valley. I laid his shawl on him, reminded him that he was prayed for, gave him a small cross to hold in his hand, and let him look at his Bible with a flash light to put good stories and pictures in his mind.

I know, lots of people wish and pray we would leave the hood.

The truth is we can't. No matter what happens, we are here at least for awhile.

So what does it look like to live where you are? To bring faith, love and hope into whatever situation you are given. I could wish away and dream of living on a hobby farm, but that is not my reality.

The hood is.

So how do I teach my kids to live in the messy, messy world that is truthfully right outside our door?

I don't really have a plan but to be honest.

Honest about the hard, hateful ways of people and the love that God has for sinners. Most importantly including ourselves.

Today started with middle asking me what a tampon was and how it worked. I should have known.

I should have known the questions wouldn't stop.

I should have known.

Random Wed. part 2: devotions with kids

I wish we as a culture of believers, myself included, would take the truth of starting spiritual education at home with the church supporting what we teach at home, instead of the other way around.

Paul and I are always asking ourselves how we can be imprinting a desire for God and his love into our children. We want them to want to choose Him.

Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning of all of our paperwork, files, mail, to do piles. It appears my one pile has turned into I think I counted seven yesterday. As I was going through pile after pile, I came across the kids Sunday School take home devotion sheet. This is a tool for families to use at home during one of their devotional times together. It talked about what happened in Sunday School, and what they will be learning next week to get the kids prepared. Then it also provided great prayers, questions, and activities to do together throughout the week to reinforce what they are learning at church.

I kept that paper out hoping that I would force myself to do it with my kids. It takes more time than just reading a story and by night time, I am pretty exhausted. But tonight, I was feeling it, so we did it!

We reread the story of Noah and I started asking the boys questions about what would their ark look like? What would be hard about being on the ark? Who has to take care of the animals? Would they pee of the boat into the water? Where does the poop go? It was amazing spiritual conversation, let me tell you.

Then we started talking about promises. We talked about mourning and grieving and what those words meant. What happened to the all the other people not on the boat? How long did it take Noah to build the ark? Do you think people made fun of him? Did he still listen to God instead of listening to the mocking of others? Were they sad that their friends died?

It was amazing having these conversations with the boys. After we talked about all that, we did the rain song. You know the one where you start rubbing your hands together, then you snap, then you clap, then you slap your knees, then you stomp your feet. We talked about all the rain sounds, and then we discussed the tornado.

It always comes back to the tornado.

We talked about what it must have been like for Noah and his family and being scared watching the whole earth disappear. Then we talked about what it means to abide. How God abides in us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is ever watchful and everything that happens has a purpose.

After we prayed that God would open our eyes to see him working in our lives, we went outside and spread bread crumbs on the yard to help take care of the birds and squirrels, just like Noah. We are hoping they are gone by morning.

Working with the church in the spiritual development of our children is an amazing opportunity to the strongest foundation possible. For all the teachers can give our children, we have the opportunity for one on one conversations and questions with our children. Questions that come up when relearning stories the second and third time. It also provides the frame work for real life questions. Reading the story of Noah allowed real life application of the tornado to be discussed again in our home. To remember how God provided for us and took care of us.

It was this really great night of grown up conversation with my boys.

If your church provides take home sheets to further the spiritual development of what they are teaching, I recommend finding one night in the week to do it together.

FYI: This was one great moment, however we are just like every other family (I hope) and have to fight against our kids not wanting to go to church on Sunday, not wanting to the read the bible in the morning, but a fun book, and still trying to remind them that we love each other. This one moment does not make us holy, it makes us desperate for what God offers us.

Big is in Kindergarten!

So we did our rights of passage. (which we are pretty sure had no effect but I digress.)

I stayed up late researching great lunch options for my allergen free child.

We made our checklists for our morning routine to help us succeed in being prepared for school and have a peaceful time together as a family before parting ways.

We did a devotion on the armour of God and how we need to be prepared as children of God.

Then came our first day of school.

Paul brought out the necklace that we got for Big. After he was in his uniform, Paul explained that we wanted to give him a token to be worn each day that will remind Big of who he is. He is a child of God, bought with the blood of Christ. Behind the cross, is a guitar pick with his name on it. He loved it!



So he was armed and ready, and it was time to let him go. I have cried so much over this for the last two years, I didn't cry when he left with Paul. Though periodically throughout the day, truly random things would make me cry. I'm a work in progress I guess.



Noah wasn't sad at all. He was so excited and ready to be in school. We are so proud of him and pray continually that God is watching over him and helping him make choices that will bring Him glory and honor. And when he messes up, that Big will know he can come to his dad and me and he will find love and forgiveness with us. That we will help him figure out whatever hard thing he faces.

I am now a parent of a kindergartner. School will rule my life for the next dozen or so years.

Whew, still not ready for that and school has already started.

Way to go Big!

Right of Passage

I had spent the better part of the last few months mourning my son going to school. I have been sad to start this new stage of our life. The stage where he spends more time away from home than at home. The stage where we increasingly get busier and I just become the driver. I'm not ready for this. (cause it's all about me right?)

Then I had a very good friend of mine ask if I was going to have talk with Big about starting school. It got me thinking about rights of passage and how we are one of very few cultures that actually transition their young men and women to the next stage of life.

I know this sounds really early, but my husband and I had been talking for some time about what that looks like for us to create these moments in our children's lives. Moments that they can look back on and say, "On this weekend, my dad took me on a special trip and we talked about what it means to be a man of God." Things along these lines.

We wanted to do a small version of this when our children start school. This is a significant moment of time. A time in their life when everything changes. There become other significant players in our children's lives. We wanted to take the time to remind them who they are. What does it mean to be a Christian in a non christian world? What do you do when something someone else does bothers you? Who do you tell? What do you say? These are just the beginning of the things we wanted to touch on in our special evening with Big.

If you read my previous post, you will know that Big ate candy he isn't supposed to have. We thought yesterday was going to be the day we saw the side effects.

We were wrong.

Today would be the day.

The last time Big ate a whole plate of pasta when he wasn't supposed to, he became a CRAZY angry person. This time he had five jelly beans. I never thought our kid was ADD. Today, I thought, if I didn't know any better, I would medicate him.

Holy Cow. Couldn't sit still, couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop running, couldn't stop touching everything in the store. He just couldn't stop!

So Paul and I started our time with Big taking him to the store to get his backpack for school. A special outing to signify his new adventure.

Here's big with his backpack of choice. He prefers the over the shoulder. We almost walked away with a pink princess one, but he told me I should get it and hold on to it when I missed him. We left it at the store.



After we got Big his spiffy new backpack, we headed to the Co-op for a special treat and took it to the sculpture gardens. It was about 65 degrees outside, not really ice cream weather, so we ate the icr cream in the greenhouse. Big choose green tea ice cream, so he got his own. No one wanted to share with him.



While eating ice cream, Paul and I started to chat with Big about the responsibility of school, being a child of God, what to expect, and how mom and dad were there for him. We also affirmed all the things we love about him and what his gifts are. I am pretty sure all of this was lost on our child who only cared about watching the chipmunk that made his way into the greenhouse. Remember the ADD kid? This was the wrong day to try to implant knowledge into our son.

Paul was trying so hard to turn this afternoon into what we had imagined, and it just wasn't working. We had to keep laughing about it, and keep trying.

After we chatted a little and ate some icrecream, we ventured out to the gardens to walk around. OK, let's be honest, Big ran and climbed everywhere, and Paul just chased him around, trying to wear him out.

This little moment was a rare one today because they are walking.



After we walked for a little bit, and played, Big really had to use the bathroom. The only one we could find was this one.



So we sent our kid over, he did his business and climbed himself over once again. Paul and I had our whole story worked out for the police in case they should happen to arrive.

After our restroom break, we sat our little china man down, Big is going to Chinese Immersion school on Thursday. It was time to pray over Big. I love praying over my kids and them getting an opportunity to hear what is on my heart in regards to them. This was special because Paul prayed first and then I got to pray over our little man. Prayers for wisdom, courage, strength, joy. Prayers for Big, his friends, his teachers. Prayers for Paul and I and God's wisdom in our lives and discernment in raising Big. I felt so good our prayer time.

Before the Amen was even complete, Big was up and starting to run away to play in the sculptures. Paul and I just shook our heads.

We had all sorts of plans for our special time. I clearly had many expectations of how it was going to go, how spiritual it would be, and the wisdom we would pass on to our child. i felt like none of those things happened.

But we did have a good time. We had some great conversation, and before Big starts school he will have a special bracelet to wear everyday to remind to whom he belongs.

Big was reminded that he is a child of God and that God will use him to bless others at his school. That he can be a witness to all those who he encounters.

It was our first rights of passage, and hopefully we get a LOT better at this because this one felt a little ridiculous.

So apparently a plate of gluten makes my son crazy angry. A few sugared candies gives him crazy energy. Both of which happen two days after eating it.

Good to know.

If you've never prayed a heartfelt prayer over your child, I encourage you to do so. It is a very rewarding, riching experience, I would assume for the child as well.

A moment to freeze in time

I had all sorts of plans for the day.

Laundry. Dishes. Bank. Store. Bike ride to the Library. Sewing. Phone calls.

Truly, it was going to be a big day.

But the kids were in a good mood. For the most part they were really getting along. We were all laughing and playing this morning (with a moment or two of learning in frustration). Then when I wanted to leave, the kids just really wanted to go outside and play baseball. They wanted me to pitch to them and play catch.

It's hard to say no when there is no real reason for the rush out the door. There wasn't anything on our schedule today that can't be done tomorrow. So we played.

It was beautiful out this morning. Perfect weather. Sunny with a small chill in the air and the promise of a perfect fall day. The boys and I were playing baseball and having such a wonderful time. They were doing amazing and laughing at their hits and misses.



Lu was pushing her truck all over the yard barefoot. It was quiet except the sound of my kids laughing.



Then the trucks rolled in to pull out stumps along our street. It was exciting and we all stopped what we were doing to watch. While I sat on our sidewalk watching our children my heart just swelled with wanting to make time stand still.



My son starts school in a couple weeks and I am mourning the time we won't have anymore. My children at their small, young ages still want to play with me, have fun, giggle at silly jokes. Our lives are still intertwined and we aren't stretched across the country. I can in small ways still protect my kids from things that scare them. I can make the pain go away. This won't always be the case. Soon I will be watching from the sidelines, that's how it feels. The one thing all parent's agree on is that the time goes by way to fast. I am already starting to feel that pain and sadness of seeing my kids grow to fast before my very eyes.

I know there are so many good things to come and I am excited to know my children as adults, but today...I didn't want today to end. I wanted to hold it. I never want to forget the way my children looked today. How carefree they were. How full of joy they were. Much of the sadness that the world can hold hasn't touched them yet and I was thankful for that. I held two of my children in my lap watching the trucks, the sheer excitement of a backhoe picking up a tree. I could feel their pudgy hands in mine. Squeeze two of my children in one hug. They are still so small and so trusting. It was a wonderful moment. One I hope don't forget.



We didn't accomplish anything on our list today, but we had fun playing all day.

My kids know too much

I have yet to figure out why I share these less than admirable moments with all of you, but here goes another one cause I laughed really hard on the inside.

Today I looked around my house and saw the piles of laundry, the limited clean dishes, the toys and food on the floor and the bills piled high. I saw it and then decided to take my kids to the park. (I told you I have a hard time coming back to normal life after a long vacation. I wasn't kidding.)

On our way out the door we packed up a lunch and headed out. We were meeting friends at 10am and it was 955am. The park is 20 minutes away. Big was riding his bike and middle wanted to ride his scooter. He got it out the door and hopped on. I told him we needed to head to the car and this is where chaos started.

Since the day middle was born he has had an ear piercing scream. Only one scream for all things. It's a life and death cry. It's loud and it's annoying. And it hasn't changed.

At the instant of saying he couldn't ride his scooter, I heard the cry. I was walking to the garage with big to put his bike away and the cry followed us.

Mistake #1 - I didn't really care about middle's feelings, I was distracted by how frustrated I was that early in the morning by the crying. So I started to approach my son, not with grace and help, but from a place of selfishness and frustration.

We entered the garage and he was crying about not getting a chance to ride his scooter and he wanted to bring it with us. I told him he couldn't because we were going to the playground to be with his friends. He kept crying saying he wanted to bring it with him and that he didn't get a chance to ride it that morning.

I told him once more he couldn't bring it and we had to get in the car. He said he wasn't moving. He wasn't going.

Mistake #2 - Middle was in the garage and I was outside the garage holding little. I told him nicely we were leaving now and started to close the garage. I was holding three bags and a baby and my middle kid was not cooperating. I needed to him to hurry, I didn't want to discuss this with him and help him understand. I just wanted him to obey me. So in an effort to get my way, I scared my child to think that I would lock him in the garage. I am not proud. I am actually very sad that this was my response. However, he came right out.

The kids and I make it to our car parked on the street and everyone is getting in except middle. I have little buckled in, all the bags in and big is in. I hop in the driver seat and middle is looking at me from outside the car on the curb crying to me that he wants his scooter. He looks at me and shows me that his scooter can fit under his feet and Noah's bike could fit in the back if I would just move the stuff around.

(That's kind of the point middle, I don't want to take the time and be even later and move all the stuff around so you can throw a temper tantrum and get your way.)

I nicely told him no and it was time to get in the car because we were all ready. He looked at me and said with all defiance,

"I will come with you. I will stay right here." and he shut the door.

Mistake #3 - (I can't believe I am admitting this.) I drove two feet in the car away from my son. I couldn't believe I did it when I did, and the look on his face made my heart ache. He truly thought I would leave him, but that is what I was communicating to him. I stopped the car almost immediately and he opened the door. He was crying and he said one more time, all I want is to bring my scooter. Please mom, can we bring my scooter?

I told him to get in the car. I realized at the moment that it didn't matter if we were late that is a park, and the other kids would be playing till we got there. I wasn't sure why I didn't the bike and scooter. There was no real reason. So I went to the alley and we got the scooter.

Before I got out of the car, I looked at my middle child and said, "You know mom doesn't support whining, and if you throw a temper tantrum you never get what you want. But I should have listened, and there is no reason not to bring your bike, so you can bring it. Next time instead of crying and screaming, please just talk to mom."

I was very cool about it. I never yelled or lost my temper. I was just calm.

Once we were all loaded in and we started to drive away, my middle child said,

"Mom, I'm gonna pray for you."

Big said, "Caleb can you say it quietly so I can hear too and pray for mom?"

My thought was, Are you kidding me? We're praying for me and its you two who can't handle the temper tantrums!

So middle prayed. This is was his prayer to God almighty who hears all we say.

"Dear God please help mommy and her temper tantrums. Take her temper away from her. Amen."

Big, "Amen. Good prayer Caleb."

Wow, sold out by own kid. Well, two can play at that game. I said.

"Caleb can I pray for you?" (oh yeah, you know where this is going.)

Me, "Dear God I thank you for my children and this day we will have together. Lord I ask that when Caleb and I disagree that you would help us communicate better and that when he is angry with me, he would use his words and talk to me instead of screaming. Lord help him to surrender his temper to you. Amen."

Mistake #4 - using prayer as a weapon to teach my kid a lesson.

I thought, that will teach him. I believe scripture says, before looking at the speck in someones eye, take the logo out of your own eye.

Did you hear me middle? That's right, scripture says to work on yourself first.

Oh, wait.

The bird and the soilder

Joy
by: Jake Erkens

Joy gives you wings
In difficult circumstances;
The problems don't go away,
but you can rise above them

Joy is not just a feeling or emotion
Joy is the pleasure of life
Life in itself cannot be life without Joy
Life is hard, but Joy can overcome it

Joy is only there if you accept it
Joy can be found at any time of the day
Say Joy were an angel, it would save you
Say Joy were a demon, it would haunt you

However, Joy can be anything you like or love
Mainly Joy comes to help you through life

Times of trials comes
Times of sadness comes
Joy is in the heart
Joy is bigger then sadness

Joy gives you wings to live another day
Joy is the reason why people smile back at you
Joy is Joy when you accept it

Instead of being the mom who was in charge of everything today, I got to go to a friends house and swim and enjoy friendship all day.

While Lu slept, I had this precious 45 minutes to play with my boys. To really play and laugh and make up silly jumps off the diving board.

That's all we did, jump off the diving board.

I'll be honest, I had this moment of not wanting to do it, but I thought, this would be fun to do with them, and I should do it. So I forced myself into the pool and into their world.

Moms rarely get to play. They are too busy taking care of the baby, holding the baby, preparing for a meal or cleaning up from meal. They are organizing all the activities, or changing diapers, or wiping butts or putting band aids on. Or to be totally honest, if everyone is busy, just sitting down and talking to another adult without interruption is the best thing in the world, so you sometimes you don't want to join the fun, you just want to sit.

Today I got to play and it filled my heart with joy.

When I play with my kids it gives me the opportunity to fall in love with them all over again. It shows me their laugh, their silliness, their imagination.

Playing with my kids reconnects me and strengthens the bond I have with them.

I am so thankful to my friend who provided the house and the sitter and the meals for a wonderful day away. A day away from responsibility and all the things that prevent me from playing with my kids.

Being reminded of that kind of play and joy has helped remind me to find it in my everyday life. To make the time to play. To force myself to be aware of the joy. I don't always have to be the rule enforcer, and dinner can sometimes wait.

I want more joy in my life.

Caleb's best jump was the bird where he pretended to be a bird even drowning in the water.

Noah's best jump was the solider.

I think mine was a flip since I'd never done one before! Yay go me!

Sinner over saint all day today

We were totally that family this morning that fights on their way to church. The house was a disaster and we were stepping on toys, marbles, trucks, you name it. The boys were slow in picking up their things, putting shoes on, wanting to bring toys to church and getting out the door.

I was totally that mom, that yelled through a whisper to push them out the door. I hated being that mom, and yet, my crankiness was getting the better of me. In the car I apologized to the boys and told them that I was tired and taking it out on them.

We get to church, its outside in 90 degree weather. As soon as we sit, the boys need to use the bathroom. We go, we get back, then they are really thirsty, so I get up and get them water. Lu has been whiny the whole time, so then I get up and take her to the nursery. I get back and the boys are hungry, so we get a small snack. I am finally able to pay attention of half a second and then I feel the sweat dripping down my dress, down my face, and behind my knees. I think I hate the knee sweat the most.

We make it through the morning with mild complaining, tons of crankiness due to the weather, and we make it back home. We eat lunch and the my oldest is adament to play video games at his friends house. I remind him that his neighborhood friends are outside friends only and I don't want him playing video games. He gets very angry with me and tells me that I don't love him. He doesn't like me because I keep him from all fun things. I took the lashing and it added to my mood.

After lunch the kids go out and play and Paul takes a nap. I clean and clean and clean, not that you can really tell, and put groceries away. When Lu wakes up, I take the kids down the street to the little wadding pool in our park. That's when we meet an angry dog off his leash and discover a car ran into the pool and its closed.

Awesome.

We walk back home and gather our stuff and head to the splash pad for 45 minutes. It feels great to cool off and be in the water. The kids had a blast. I just tried to keep my daughter from drowning because she thinks she can swim and go in the deep end. Geeesh.

After we get home, I get dinner ready and clean some more. It's funny to read how much I was cleaning since my house still feels messy, but the dishes are clean, table wiped down and legos put away, so that means something.

Caleb needed to put all the legos away and he didn't like that decision, so he threw the box at me. That earned him the right to stay in his room until all was back in order. That, and a severe talking too with punishment from mom for such disrespect.

Once I announced dinner was ready, Noah came in and saw it was not what he wanted, he started to complain. At this point, I have nothing left in me. I am way past the point of crabby. I am tired of taking care of everyone and getting no help or appreciation. I was tired, and there was no reward for my work. I was getting resistant at every turn. It ticked me off.

At this point, I am seething in my heart and all sorts of innaporpriate, mean and hateful, dark sarcastic comments are in my head. I'm too annoyed and feel to negeleted to pray. So I just sat at the kitchen table and lived in my head.

My family was playing on my husbands Iphone and I just sat there at the table being really immature. I would scare you with the things going on in my head. I was really mean up in there. I wanted someone to address me so I could lash out at them. I wanted help. I wanted attention. I wanted to yell. I wanted to be mean.

Pretty mature right?

It goes further. I didn't pray. I didn't want to. That's not what got me out of my head. Running out of mean things to say is why I stopped. I started to really watch my kids enjoying peek a boo barn. My kids are pretty entertaining, so it was fun to watch. Then I decided to mature and keep my mouth shut. Not change my attitude, just not to speak my mind which was pretty dark at the time.

After dinner, Paul left to go to work, and I cleaned up dinner. After the kitchen was clean, I got the kids ready for a bath. Lu and Caleb were in the tub. After about five minutes, Noah tells me that the water is all yellow and brown. I proceed to go into the bathroom and notice that my daughter has taken the largest dump in the tub. My kids are essentially playing in the toliet. I grab the kids and get them out, clean the tub for the next 20 minutes and finally get them washed. This was after we noticed that Lu was walking around saying. "Poooh and pee" and grabbing herself. At this point we all believed she did more buisness somewhere in the house since she wasn't wearing a diaper. The boys and I had to get on our hands and knees and feel with our hands all over the carpet looking for pee. Thankfully there wasn't any.

After Lu was in bed, clean and crazy, I read to the boys. We wanted to have family snuggle time on my bed. But my bed was covered in clean laundry that needed to be put away. I put it back in the laundry basket for the fifth time that day, (I had already taken it out four other times and put it back in for some unkown reason I am already forgetting.) So the clean laundry doesn't get put away, just put back in the basket. We read and snuggled and it was great.

We fall asleep and after 10 minutes I get up and head outside to weed my yard. After being gone for five weeks, the yard is unrecoginzable. It is my goal to weed for 20 minutes a day until I find my plants and vegetables again. The bugs attacked but I got a lot done. After an hour, you can see part of my backyard, but I am covered in bites and dirt and sweat. I would shower, but it still has poop in the tub. (I took the kids upstairs to the apartment to bathe.) Frankly, I just don't want to get up and clean some more, and my bathroom reaks.

Today exhausted me, maybe I should just go to bed. I was faught at every turn, and most of the day I didn't win. But today is over, and tomorrow will allow me to start over.

Hopefully all those mean thoughts won't follow me to bed.

Stick to your guns

This is for all those tired parents out there or caregivers to children.

This morning by 7am I had a pretty good idea of how bad the day was going to be. The kids were up extra early, around 615am. Both boys had accidents in their beds which is not normal, and Lu was hungry, but for nothing I was offering her. The battle lines drawn, I thought, is this really how today is going to be? It's still before 7!

Right at the get go, Big wanted to watch TV. Wherever you stand on the issue, it doesn't matter to me. In our house, we don't have a problem with TV, but its managed to a strong degree. (with the exception of sports games, a weekly movie, or when mom's sick and can't get up. We're human OK.) I don't like TV in the morning. I think it starts the kids off wrong, and then I can't use it later on in the day when it might be necessary. TV is often a reward, and if my kids don't ask for it, they don't get it. I try to keep them busy doing art and imagination activity.

So starting at 615am Big started asking for TV, which bugs me when he already knows the answer.

Before starting the diet this would have turned into a 45min battle, but now, he asks, I say No, and he humphs. Then he might ask 20min later, which he did, every 20min for over 1 1/2 hours this morning.

I was cranky and I really didn't want to fight this battle. I had Little growling at me, throwing herself on the floor because she wanted to hold her own banana, and Caleb trying to pour his own milk and spilling all over the counter and stool.

At this moment, TV would have been very easy. It would have cut down the whining, the spilling and the crying. But I HATE TV in the morning. (Again, I have no judgement for those families who do TV in the morning. Truly. I just don't want it on in our house.)

This blog isn't about TV. It's about the ability to find strength to fight for what you believe in. For parents and caregivers to listen to what the truth they live by and stick with it.

Kids cry, they whine, they argue, they debate, they create compromises, they are crafty and they wear us down. Or maybe that's just my family.

Kids wear you down. They wear down the standards you want to live by and it's not easy to stick to your idea, your plan, your philosophy of parenting. It is exhausting to keep with the plan, to explain your way, to continue to say No, or encourage them to get them to do a particular behavior.

When people say parenting is hard, that statement is true, but its also doesn't portray the depth of what it means. Constant is a good word. Demanding is another good one.

It's very difficult to battle everyday to make the family you are trying to create come true. I want to encourage you to find strength in the Lord and fight the good fight. Consistant spiritual discipline is very difficult with small children, so I want to encourage you to find whatever it is that will connect you to your creator and somehow find a time once a week to connect with him.

Find the strength to fight the good fight. Be the parent and stick up for what you believe in and how you want to parent your children to the standards you desire.

I explained to Big this morning that TV alienates him and his siblings from the rest of the family. That he was happily playing with his Lego's and using his imagination. We decided to put on some fun worship music and the kids had a dance party in the kitchen while I made eggs. After breakfast, the music continued to play, and the kids each individually found an activity they could do while I showered and they were singing together. They were joking about all of Little's attempted dance moves and words that she really isn't saying. They were interacting together. They were figuring out how to live in each other's space. More importantly they were being encouraged in their faith through the music they were listening to.

And I'm not gonna lie, the music also changed my behavior (the shower helped a lot in that regard as well, I'll be honest). Our family was participating in individual activities but still were learning to live with one another. The music and happy play set the tone for our day. A day of pleasure, summer fun, and harmony. In my opinion, TV would have just entertained and separated us. It would have divided us right from the get go. No interaction. No encouragement. No team work.

I desire for my children to know how to entertain themselves without the TV or computer or video games. I stuck to my guns this morning and was rewarded.

You will to. I will say it again. Stick to your guns on the issue that you want to give into because it would be easier.

No one ever said the road was easy. From one parent to another, be encouraged, you are strong enough to stick to your guns.

Just a heads up. 1. I don't always win. There are times where my kids watch TV in the morning because I truly am just too exhausted, or I want to stay and snuggle with my hubby on Saturday morning. We aren't perfect and I want you to know that. 2. This also means that you might need to interact more with your children or get their help with your chores, or set them up with an activity. But all of those things are really great options.

Good luck parents. I am praying for you. And as its really late, can you pray for me too! Thanks. Tomorrow morning might be hard!

In the begining

I was blogging a lot. I loved it. I was blogging every other day, sometimes every day. Blogging for me is a place to get outside of my own head. It helps me see God in my life and the things that happen to us. It gives me an opportunity to get some perspective. And the best part is that it allows you to see into my life and speak truth to me. Call me out if I’m wrong, encourage me if I’m down, or show me a new way of doing something if I’m stuck in a rut. I don’t really know if my blog is about me, my kids, parenting, craft projects, questions I have, frustrations I need to voice, or my speaking adventures. I guess it’s just a compilation of all those things.

Lately there feels to be way too many things happening that I can’t even get inside my brain to figure out what’s going on in there. I’m almost terrified to do any kind of quiet time, afraid of what might happen. But if I’m ever gonna get out of this overwhelmed place, I need to start writing, start thinking and start praying.

What that means for our relationship, me and you the reader, whomever you are, is that some of the things I’m gonna blog about didn’t happen the day I wrote about it. It may have happened while I was on vacation and never had time to jot down my thoughts. (There are so many up here its starting to get a little crazy.)

But they are all real things that happened to me and how I feel about them. It is still our life.

Right.

Wrong.

Confusing.

Maybe misguided.

But it’s true for us right now.

Welcome to our reality.

We traveled the better part of the last month and a lot has happened. I will do my best to share our adventures, joys and moments along the way.

out of the land of Oz...

So the Tietjen's are back home after five weeks of adventures. I haven't posted much because there has just been too much to do and too much fun to be had.

Yesterday was filled with laundry and laundry, ironing our curtains and rehanging them after getting all new windows, and moving furniture back in place.

Today the weird feelings started to creep in. I have no event to plan for. I have no trip to orchestrate. We are just back to normal life.

Usually after big adventures, I have a tendency to crash. My mind and body and soul have to readjust to the normal rhythm of life. That can be hard and boring, and draining after all the excitement that became normal.

I have a tendency to withdrawal, (proof of my lack of blogging) sulk, and waste my days.

Tonight Paul and I got to run to the store to use a Christmas gift card (how wrong is it that its taken us this long!) and I noticed he was not himself.

After our fun week in SD for family camp, we drove immediately to Iowa to attend Paul's grandfather's funeral. The loss of such a wonderful and dear man is finally settling into our systems.

We are all in a weird place.

The loss of family and a piece of family history.

The readjustment to every day living, which is for the most part not mountain top experiences.

Finally being a place to fully embrace our new diet and explore new things.

The realization that my kids bikes were stolen, their favorite summer time activity. This one has been harder to process than our home being broken into at Christmas and all my jewelry being stolen. I guess it might have to do with someone violating my children.

I don't know how to put it all into words. Things have moved so fast we haven't been able to digest each new thing.

So for all of you read this, I'm sorry if my thoughts are jumbled in the coming weeks. I'm sorry if there isn't anything insightful in my ramblings, but just thoughts rolling around in the old tin can up there.

The Tietjen's are in a weird place.

But I am so thankful, that no matter where we go, physically, emotionally or mentally, God was there before us, is with us still, and won't leave us alone.

one too many things

I am really excited for our family to leave tomorrow for the black hills. This is something that we have done for the last two summers and is quickly turning into a wonderful family tradition. My husband plays music for family camp and we all get to go just to hang out. This trip is coming at the end of the a three week long vacation to MI, WI and then here in MN with friends of ours. After our friends left we had three days to regroup and pack.

Well, pack we did, clean we did not. I'm kind of that person who likes clean sheets when she comes home and the kitchen clean with empty garbage's and no laundry waiting for me. Instead on this trip, I will just come home to new windows!

For the last year and half we have been in this process with a government based program that is striving to eliminate lead in older homes where young families live. To do this, they change all the window's and seal the lead away. It is very exciting to be getting 27 new windows! Four of our front windows have been boarded up since the tornado and I can't wait to see out the front of my house again!

However to prepare for the team to come, all the window dressings need to come down, and all the furniture moved to the middle of each room. Also, in order to prepare to be at camp all week with high dietary needs, I have needed to bake our own granola and muffins for breakfast, cupcakes for dessert and hummus for lunch. Lots of food to purchase and pack and we can't forget flash lights, books on tape, and rain gear.

So, my house will stay a disaster, but I got to spend time with friends, my husband and do some fun baking. I guess it will all still be here when I get back.

It's good for my control freak characteristics to not have everything in order. However, if I die on this road trip, I will be highly embarrassed when they come to my house to get my things in order. Oh man... please don't die.

Talk to you next time from the beautiful hills of SD!!!

The grind of daily life

I have often wondered what the point of my blog is. If I knew, than it would be easier to figure out what to share with you all. Most of the time, its to remind myself to see God in all things and have hope that I am not alone. I believe that by sharing life we encourage one another and support each other in making through each day.

Lately, some of my energy has returned and it has felt like there just really aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. My children have been extra needy, little has been sick for over a week, and not only is my house messy and dirty, its highly unorganized. Its the trfecta of chaos. I don't need a really clean home, I truly don't, but when half my windows are boarded up, there is still glass in my yard and tarps on the roof, I need something cleaned. Give me at least one room, or part of a room. I'll take even that. So the past week has just been staying up late, cleaning, organizing, and just more cleaning. I haven't slept much and haven't once opened my Bible for encouragement.

I am running on empty.

You know what happens when I run on empty? I become the leader of cranky. I become the worst version of myself. The version of myself that I try to never admit to anyone that she really exists. I want to pretend that she never shows up, but frankly, she has taken up camp in my house. Every time I open my mouth, I'm not proud of what comes out. When I'm running on empty, every spill is a tragedy, every disagreement is the end of the world, every nag for a snack sounds like a shouting match. When I'm running on empty, there is no peace in my house.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a while, and that's really saying something considering how overwhelmed I've felt as of late. I couldn't believe who I had become. I think I apologized for my behavior every half hour.

Then family snuggle time happened.

A few times a week the whole family piles into mine and Paul's bed. We turn the soft lamp on and some gentle music, then we just hang out. We bring a book in, we read, we giggle, we tickle, we snuggle. We pray over the kids, and talk about our day. We ask for forgiveness and whatever happened that day just sort of washes away. Family snuggle time grounds us. It cleans us. It strengthens us. It reconnects us. No matter what feels overwhelming in life, this cherished time in bed is protected.

I like to be honest about my life. I want to communicate the reality of who I am and what life can be like, but I don't just want to complain when things are hard.

I feel beyond blessed to have a family that forgives me when I am at my worst. I am so thankful for friends who remind me that life is overwhelming right now. That it's OK to mourn all the things lost in the last month and thankful for friends who send loving emails and cards in the mail. I am indebted to my mother who listens to me everyday and lifts me up in prayer.

Even at my worst, I have so much to be thankful for. When God feels distant or my relationship with him is stale, I am encouraged to know that he meets with me through the friends and family in my life.

The only thing I have read in scripture in that two weeks in my children's Bible stories, and yet, even that is enough to remind me that God is and will be my strength. That I am not left alone to my own devise.

I should go to bed now so I can get up and spend time with the Lord in the morning, or I could just do it now.

Morning breakfast conversation

This made my day. Enjoy.

This morning at breakfast while we delighting in kale/onion/garlic egg scramble with cucumbers and grapes on the side, the boys wanted to know about chicken eggs. How come they weren't babies? I told them it was because the eggs weren't fertilized.

Big (Noah) - "What does fertilized mean?"

me - "The eggs need seed to form a baby chicken."

Middle (Caleb) - "Where does the seed come from?"

me - "From the rooster. The boy has the seed and the girl has the egg. This is the way it works for all boys and girls in animals and in humans." (in my head, I was worried about where this was headed.)

They didn't miss a beat.

Middle - "you have eggs in your tummy? WHaaaT?"

me - "All girls have eggs in their bodies. Remember how I told you that God took a piece of me and a piece of daddy and created a baby? I have the egg, and daddy has the seed. (please don't ask where they come from!!!) When the egg doesn't get the seed, it just washes out of mommy's body. It doesn't become a baby."

Big - "So God goes into your body to make a baby?"

Middle - "No he's already in there remember Noah, he's in your heart, so he travels through your body from your heart to your tummy to make the baby. Right mama?"

me - "well..."

Middle - "But what about the fire?"

me - "what fire? when did we get fire?"

Big - "Ohhhh, remember mama the Holy Spirit came and there was fire on their heads? The disciples got the Holy Spirit after Jesus left, and that's whose with us. Is that in your body?"

Middle - "Noooo, not that fire. God sent down fire remember Noah. They built the rocks and poured water on it and than God shot down fire with his hands, (make explosion noises here).

Big - "Ohhhh, you mean Ahab! Yea he was worshipping Baal and then Elijah threw down a challenge and God sent fire on his alter."

Little just sat there looking at her big brothers like it was a ping pong match stuffing her face with a banana.

I'm not sure how the conversation happened, and for some reason beyond me we started talking about where babies come from and ended up discussing the Holy Spirit and old ancient Biblical kings.

I giggled at the end. At least I didn't have to explain sex. Dodged a bullet there.

to bless others

Today we had an issue with a water bottle.

We left all of our family's water bottles down in St. Louis a couple weeks ago. The one water bottle left in the house is my son's Noah. It's his special water bottle from his T-ball team.

Today we were planning on being out all morning and I grabbed the one water bottle and filled it planning and anticipating that we all would be able to share.

We are big on sharing in this house. Sharing with each other and sharing with others. We try to limit our belongings for this reason and truth be told, all three kids sleep in the same room. They are used to sharing.

I have recognized the need for the kids to have their own special things. So each child has a box where they can keep their own personal special things. These things do not need to be shared. It is a child's seceret treasure box. I support that.

Well, today, Caleb grabbed the water bottle, the only one to be seen, and not being stored in the special box so it was fair game.

You know the saying "heaven on earth". This was the complete opposite. I didn't realize one could get so upset about sharing his water bottle. Honestly, I was just really disappointed in my kid for not having a heart to see the needs of others. I can own that I have extremely high expectations for my five year old. I'm working on it. But in the same breath, we need to learn from the beginning about seeing the needs of others, especially those we live with and see everyday. Ironically, the needs of the people we live often times become invisible.

So we had a couple chats about the water bottle during the day. Then tonight during prayer time, I asked Noah if he had anything to confess to God. He said he had a good day, and he couldn't think of anything.

I brought up the water bottle. (I'm totally that mom that can't let issues dropped until I know my point has been received.) He looked at me with sad eyes, and said, "But mom, its my special water bottle. Its mine and I should be in charge of my things. I make the rules for my stuff."

I stood there. I get his point, I really do. But the idea of STUFF is something I really wrestle with.

We all get really attached to stuff. It becomes apart of us and then we don't know how to live without it. We become obsessive about it and all of a sudden it becomes about the stuff. How do we get more? How do I keep you from touching my stuff and breaking it? How do I protect it? And so and so forth.

Somewhere the words came out of me, and God must have put them there, because I didn't think them before I said them. I replied to my son, "Noah, God gives us stuff to bless others. There is no other reason to have things. The water bottle is yours, but the water in the bottle can bless others. You sharing can bless others. You loving, blesses others."

God uses our stuff to bless others. To give away. To invite over and share a meal on your table with your dishes. To use your pool. Loaning out tools to help those in need. Giving up your bed for a night so that someone else might sleep there. our stuff can bless others, if we have a heart and a mind for it. We have to change the way we see our stuff. It is all tools to further the kingdom of God.

Pretty sure we will fight over the water bottle again tomorrow. But I can guarantee that God spoke truth into my heart today regarding our things. That in turn will hopefully change the way I speak to my kids about their stuff. Instead of demanding my kid shares, I can gently remind him why God has given us stuff.

To build a heart for God, we must speak truth into our little ones daily, but be open to change our own ways so that they have an example to live by.

Happy Anniversary to the man of my dreams!

Nine years ago yesterday I married the man I love. I met him when I was 19. At the time, I was not interested in dating anyone, and truth be told wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married. When I started to get to know Paul I was scared to death because from the very beginning, I knew he was special. I knew you didn’t walk away from a man like him.

Last night my husband and I got to go for a walk down this beautiful stone path up to the stone arch bridge, over the Mississippi and into downtown. We strolled arm in arm casually talking and walking discussing life and our dreams and our future. Walking with my husband is hands down one of my favorite things. Something we don’t get to do often with the little children needing pushed in strollers and demanding our attention.

For all the reasons that I know I love my husband on a daily basis, I was reminded last night why he is the perfect partner for me.

When we were married, I was 22. I hadn’t done much in being completely self aware and mature. I still had some growing up to do, which I think many young 20somethings do. I remember my husband saying to me one time, “If you never change, I love you just the way you are. But I see such potential in you. You are the kind of the person who can be anything you want to be. I want to be along for that journey.”

My husband knows me better than anyone, truly sometimes even more than I know myself. He saw me before I had found myself. He has walked through life with me as I have grown up and become the woman I am. In the truest way, we have grown up together. He challenges me when I am less than I can be, and loves me when I am a wretched mess. He knows how to show me love, and most often forgiveness. I have never known, aside from my parents, someone who embodies Christlike grace and mercy, much like him.

When I get into a funk, which I can easily do, and wish for another kind of life, it’s never without him and the kids. (OK, in full disclosure, sometimes without the kids, but never without him.) Last night when we were walking we were discussing being content with life and yet striving for more. Trying to live individually and as a couple/family up to our God given potential. Trying to figure out how to be content in the moment and see God in everything we are, but, believing that God has put dreams in our heart that we want to make happen.

I love talking to him about these things because he is my equal and partner in how we approach life, deal with life, and love each other. We can share our dreams with each other, and its always received by the other in most intentional way of supporting each other. I want more than anything to see Paul become the man God has destined him to be. I want to support it, to pray over it, to love him through the process. He desires the same for me. And so we dreamed together last night of who can become together and as a family. And when it was over, and we drove back to the ghetto, which truly looks like one now, we were still content because we have each other.

To my amazing husband, best friend and partner. I love you with a commitment that will never die. Every morning I know I would pick you again in a heart beat. You know me at my worst, and choose me anyway. You are not without your faults, but you are perfect for me. Thank you for nine years of laughs, inside jokes, struggles, pain, forgiveness, love, mercy, chore sharing, and fun. I love doing life with you.

I heard a quote one time that said, “We don’t choose marriage partners to have someone to share the chores with. We choose to get married because we have hope.” We have hope to be loved forever. We have hope that we can be accepted as we are. We have hope that we are lovable. We have hope for joy, passion, commitment, and acceptance.

I am passionately in love my husband. I am still very attracted to the sexy man whom I live with. I still have hope that our life will be filled with love and adventure and commitment forever.

I pray that others have this story.

I pray that others have hope in their marriage.

I pray that others will wait to have this hope before getting married.