A little insight

These last few days during my devotion time, God has been putting cracks in my composure and breaking down my sense of control. I have wept this last week confessing to God my fears, doubts, and insecurities as a person, a mother, a wife and a friend. I have confessed to God that I don't even know what to pray but that I am weary of the battle. The battle of mistrust. The battle for control.

Prayer this week has lifted my burden and I have felt peace.

Until today.

Today I worked all day on preparing food for big's birthday party. He turned six today. Tomorrow we celebrate with friends Green Lantern style. We are having BBQ Chicken Bites, corn on the cob, potato salad, green smoothies, guacamole and chips, green fruit Kabobs and Cake balls. All of this will be homemade to adhere to our family diet. The diet that was started because of Big, but followed through because it the best choice for our family. BBQ sauce's main ingredient is ketchup, but to have ketchup without sugar, we make our own. We started with homemade ketchup, moved to BBQ sauce from scratch, cake, frosting, potato salad, and guacamole all from scratch. It was a big day in the kitchen, but I love doing it for my kids. I love what it means for them, I love their help in the kitchen and all around its a good ole time.

Then Middle came in with a treat that his friend from outside gave him. I told him he couldn't have it, but offered him a treat he could have. That is when he informed me that Big did have the treat.

I was a little stunned. Big is so good about saying no, and knowing what he can and can't have.

I went outside and saw the treat in question was jelly beans, and so I asked Big to open his mouth and there I smelled the jelly beans and could see the remains in his teeth.

I was stunned.

I was speechless.

Two weeks ago I accidentally gave Big regular noodles when I thought they were rice noodles. The effects of that lasted for three days. I cried, we yelled, we fought, Big was possessed once again and was screaming and loosing control. He was defiant, disobedient, he would dig his heels in and fight me on every turn.

This is what happens when he eats what he shouldn't.

Now on the day before his party, he ate what he wasn't supposed to. I was heartbroken. I had just spent the whole day cooking and baking and trying new recipes, all to help my son live life to the fullest.

Now he had poisoned himself. I know what's coming and I am weary to think of it. The attitude, the fights, the irrational behavior, and I know he can't help it. It's like something else takes over his body.

I couldn't believe how much I felt broken. How devastated I felt. I have changed everything. EVERYTHING! And still I ultimately can't control what he eats.

It has to be his decision.

And I get it. I truly do. I want things I shouldn't eat, don't we all? I mean come on, most of us don't have discipline when it comes to food we should and shouldn't eat, and here I am asking my son to never give in. Ever. But the problem comes in that eating what he shouldn't, my son changes our whole family dynamic. It is tense, angry, and frustrating. I don't like what it does to my relationship with my him. But I get wanting to eat what everyone else is.

Here is why I ended up weeping on more than one occasion today.

For all that I do to help my child, he has to make the choice himself. What that does mean is that I am looking at years of not knowing when he choose poorly. Our whole family will suffer when he does. My response to him and our interaction is strained and angry and I don't want to live like that. But again, the choice s not mine.

While feeling the weight of those words, God slowly spoke to my heart.

Here he is, investing in us. Giving to us. Blessing us. Teaching, training, correcting, loving and sacrificing for us. Giving us everything he has for our betterment. For us to have fulfilling life. Yet, ultimately we have to choose him every day and what he offers us. When we choose the things in our lives that hurt us, it also hurts Him and our relationship with Him. The things that everyone else has. The stuff we want even when we know its not good for us. And then that stuff, the TV, the addictions, that one relationship, food/drinks, popularity, whatever that thing is that hurts us that takes us from the loving arms of the one who made us.

We hurt him and our relationship with him when we choose things over him.

This road of being allergy free seems longer to me today. I lost more control today. God stripped me of it and reminded me of my place and His place in my son's life. This will happen again, and we will be there to deal with it. Live through it, and hopefully learn from it.

I just need to figure out how to love myself and my son during these times when we will be tested.

God has granted me a small insight into the depth of his love and desire for us.

I am thankful to know a piece of his heart that I did not before.

But truthfully, I wish it didn't demand so much from me. I will wrestle with that next week.

A bit of mourning

I love tradition. Almost to a unhealthy point. The fall starts five months full of wonderful traditions that my family does. (State Fair, apple picking, pumpkin patches, harvesting the garden and canning, Halloween, Thanksgiving, baking bread, Christmas, the first snow, looking at Christmas lights, etc.)

When I am nostalgic and think on these things, all of these strong memories are intimately connected to food. Food is the key ingredient to my memory. The smells. The tastes. The making food in my kitchen with my kids.

My heart is sad today as I think about all the things I can't eat this year.

Catching the Ice cream truck one last time before he's done for the season.

At the State Fair there won't be any Annie's cookies, Cheesecake on a stick, hot dog, lemonade, Carmel apples with ice cream, sugared almonds. The list here could go on and on.

Apple picking always boasts of cinnamon donuts, apple cider, apple crisp, and old fashion licorice.

In the fall I used to bake a batch of fresh bread once a week. It was simply divine. The smell, the taste, the warmth. My mouth is watering now.

Fall also boasts of candy corn with peanuts. Mmmm. I love those.

Fall also brings the best craft shows and with them some really yummy delicious baked goods to enjoy while you shop. It's the only way to do a craft show.

Halloween. We love trick or treating. Enough said.

Bonfires with roasting marshmallows. In our house we have a bonfire almost every weekend once the sun starts going down earlier. We loved roasting marshmallows.

In Nov. I have a tendency to bake all sorts of speciality breads, and warm pies. Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without pumpkin pie.

The month of December is probably when I bake and cook the most. Christmas cookies, pies, treats, soups, etc. And the candy canes. And Christmas candy.

Wow, looking at all of it written down, it's a lot to give up.

However, when I read what I'm giving up, most of it is donuts, candy, cookies and pie. I can feel my extra 5-10 pounds each Jan that I swear I won't get next year, but always do.

I also understand that there are some of these sweet memories that I can still do, just in a healthier form. Apple crisp with honey and GF oats or GF cookies (maybe not as many varieties, but that's OK). I also understand that there are GFDF breads out there I can make. I think if ever there was a time in our life when giving up all these things, we are in the best time. There are dozens of recipes and websites out there to help those of us who eat different still thrive in our world.

I also have to remember, that my children don't have 32 years of expectations in their hearts and minds. I am the one that thinks, "I've always had pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving." We are able to start our own new traditions and expectations for the different seasons and all they bring.

The last thing I have to remember is that not everyone approaches holidays and seasons like Americana's do. We over indulge and maybe go over the top in regards to decorations, sweets, treats and food that is hard on our bodies and hearts. Most of us feel guilty or know we shouldn't eat half the stuff we do during holidays, just ask your local gym and see how their memberships rise in Jan.

I have the opportunity to create good and healthy traditions for my kids. It will consist of less cookies and maybe popping popcorn to string on the tree. It will consist of having a bowl of nuts and carob covered raisins out instead of candy corn. Its bringing Hot Chocolate while cutting down our tree instead of cookies. It's finding healthier ways to create the memories that I hold so dear. I don't have it all figured out just yet, but I will.

Today with the hint of fall in the air, I started to crave my traditions and all their goodness. Then I remembered, my life is different now. Healthier, happier, with children who posses more joy and self control. That will make these next five months worth it.

I just hope I can make it through the fair. One step at a time I guess. Tearing down old habits and creating better, healthier ones.

And yes, my children will go trick or treating, we have a plan for that, but that's for another day.

What do you eat?

People often ask me this question when they hear that we don't eat gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/pork. I get it. It takes alot of choices out of what's for dinner or a snack really.

There's part of me that enjoys that. I don't need a thousand options. There are fewer ingredients in my house and that makes it helpful in preparing dinner and more adventurous to figure out a new way to cook something.

I have watched in some people's faces as they hear our restrictions and they feel sorry for us, or they wonder why when only Noah has such a strong response, and Caleb a smaller response that we would all partake in the diet.

The thing is, the more we read and talk with people, we understand the danger for all of us in eating these other things. We are really enjoying the diet. The only struggle comes when all the things that we can't eat are brought to us, offered to us, driving by in the ice cream truck, etc. When we are at home and in charge of our meals, we want for nothing. We eat and are completely satisfied.

Last night we had dear friends over for dinner. We drank wine while we prepared the food.

We had corn chips and homemade guacamole mixed with salsa to munch on. I would have taken a picture if my child hadn't eaten it all. It was delish.



For dinner, our friends brought Steak! What a treat for us! We sauteed garlic, onions and mushrooms in wine to top our steak to replace A1 sauce.



We hit the Farmer's market on Saturday and bought Ground Cherries, then picked mint from our garden and made a watermelon/Cherri/mint salad.



Noah and I also found the smallest red potatoes at the market and decided we liked those best because then we didn't have to cut them up and they were much prettier to eat. We picked oregano from the garden and drizzled Olive Oil over the potato's and added a dash of salt and pepper. So yummy!



We were blessed with Iowa sweet corn from Paul's grandparents and decided to pull that from the freezer and enjoy that along with asparagus drizzled with Olive Oil and pepper.



Our dinner was full of flavor and color and was so simple to prepare. The potatoes and asparagus just baked in the oven and the corn cooked in a pot. The men grilled the steaks and presto! Dinner.

For desert, (sorry I didn't take a photo, we were too excited to eat it!) I bought a wonderful berry juice without sugar, poured it in a bowl, and stuck in the freezer. After a day it was frozen, I dragged my fork and spoon over the top, scooped it out like sorbet and topped it with strawberries. So fresh and tasty. It was cold and filled our treat bank in the tummy. We all have a treat compartment, don't lie to yourself. This filled it perfectly.

After dinner the kids played, then got baths and the adults were able to enjoy great conversation in the quiet of the house.

I noticed after the huge amount of food that we all ate after dinner that I felt satisfied. I didn't feel full and sluggish or felt guilty at all I ate. It was wonderful. It was satisfying and it didn't leave me feeling guilty or tired or wanting to undo my top button of my pants. (I actually wore a dress, so that doesn't count, but still.)

We don't eat this extensive meal every night. But the formula is the same. Paul and I are actually going to nail down our week meal plan tonight. We plan on eating the same thing every week with a few exceptions with what's on sale. This will help us with our budget and my stress of figuring out what to eat. If you are curious, you can check back tomorrow and see what a "Joy Free" diet looks like.

Be forewarned, it is anything but joy free.

***Disclaimer. When I read blogs like the I am posting I often have this image of the family I am reading about. They are all homey, clean clothes, laughing and peaceful in the way they treat each other. I hear garden and I think full and thriving plot of land where the gardener spends hours of her time tending to the needs of the plants. I hear they had friends over and I think their house is clean and orderly.

This is not my life. We threw all our crap in our bedroom so our friends wouldn't see it. My garden, if you can call it that, is mostly hidden under weeds and shingles that have fallen from our roof. My mother did an amazing job helping me at least find most of my plants this weekend and pulled a bunch of weeds. My kids were playing in the water and were drenched when they came to dinner. We ate outside amongst all the neighborhood debris and we have never owned an outside dinner table. Everyone had to hold their plates in their laps and we watched as our children and the neighbor kids fight and decide who they were friends with. It was chaotic but wonderful. Dirty, messy, and wonderful.

Noah's story continues

I have been meaning to write this blog for quite some time. In my dreams, I would have links to famous doctors and authors who are on the cutting edge of research. I would have solid proof that what I want to tell you is real and legit. I want article after article proving all the claims I want to make.

But I can't.

I haven't had much time for cooking and cleaning, let alone blogging and then researching. I browse and I talk with others and get my information from them, but my research is just beginning.

My research might just be beginning, but my proof already exists. In my son.

Another reason I haven't posted in awhile about Noah's progress is that I didn't want to write it too early. I didn't want to make any claims and then have it turn out not to be true. It's been three months now, and I feel confident that though I can't give you medical proof or explain all the ins and outs of dietary restrictions, I can share my story and what I know so far.

Disclaimer**** I want to put this here in the beginning instead of at the end, in case you don't make it that far. I am not a medical professional or an alternative health specialist. I am a mom whose son has not been diagnosed with anything but leaky gut right now. I have not done all the research, but have seen the dramatic effects of food in relation to behavior. (he had no strong physical reaction to anything like stomach aches, headaches, throwing up, etc.) In this blog I am not diagnosing your child or sibling or self saying that if you have similar issues, you have food issues. I will state that if you carefully watch your child, sibling or self in what you eat, you might be surprised. If you are in doubt or wonder if your child might have more issues than just being strong willed, take a chance with the diet. We started the diet change in a place of doubt, but we are firm believers now. Changing your diet is not a cure all for all ailments, but I stand on the side that I think it changes and improves almost everything. And truly, you'll never know if you don't try it. You may be missing out on a more peaceful existence if your courageous enough to try. And your child could be released from an emotional/behavioral prison if you give it a chance.*****

In my last blog about Noah I explained that we went to Wyndgate Health in St. Paul and Noah got tested for Gluten and Dairy allergies, along with discovering his low levels of certain vitamins. We went GFDF immediately and saw a difference within days.

What do I mean by difference? One of my husbands favorite moments to share is when he took Noah to a T-ball practice. When they pulled up, Noah was adamant that Paul had the wrong field. He was supposed to have a game at a different field, not practice. He was angry, confused, and yelling with tears that dad had it wrong. He was growing anxious and terrified that he would miss his game. We felt this was a bit over the top response for a T-ball practice. You can be confused, but yelling and crying and shouting and calling your dad a lier is a bit much for an almost six year old. Paul pointed out to the field, and showed him his team practicing. They still needed to call me to confirm it, and once that happened, Noah calmed down and went out to practice.

My favorite is that our family has a rule that you have to stay in bed until 7am. We are loud so you can read quietly in bed till then if you wake up ahead of time. Noah woke up one morning at 645am and I told him he could grab a book but he had to stay in bed. He got so angry with me. He was crying and thrashing in his bed, (this is when I really knew something was wrong.) He couldn't stop. This went on till 7am. I told him he couldn't come out until he found control and could stop. It went on for another 30 min. He couldn't understand or make a choice to stop and realize that he could come out. He was slurring his words. He was thrashing around in the bed. He was lost to us in a state of utter and complete despair and anger. he was full of rage and hurtful words.

These things would happen randomly even though most of the time, everything else was a battle, or a discussion, or debate, or frustration for the fact that he didn't like what I had to say, or someone else for that matter. He couldn't join Karate because he was too emotional. When he got upset, which was often, he would start to tense every muscle because he couldn't control the emotion and rage starting to build. His eyes would be so angry. His words would be so hurtful, and he would always need to hit something. Hit something or throw something, or kick something. Anger and rage and tears. So many tears. And lots of yelling.

These episodes stopped within days of cutting out gluten and dairy. If he was upset with me, it lasted for no more than two minutes. And even after that he was extremely sorry. Most of the time after cutting these two things out of his diet, he could comply really easy to what we were doing.

Pause*** I understand that food allergies and intolerance's have become one of the leading ways to help curve/curb/cure ADD, ADHD, Asbergers, Autism, Sensory issues, and other issues that fall in this line. I didn't really see any symptoms lining up with this list in regards to Noah. I just had what I considered a normal kid who was really sensitive and hot tempered like his mom and dad. I considered it genetics so I wasn't really looking.

Well, we adhered to our new diet for two weeks and then the tornado hit. For about a week, something was still off. Noah was doing so much better. SO MUCH BETTER I didn't want to complain, but when he would still get mad at me, his eyes changed.

Parent's pay attention to the eyes!

They would fill with hate and rage, even for the briefest of moments. For two minutes max. I thought, well, its a ton better, maybe this is normal behavior? How am I supposed to know? But something still felt off.

After the tornado, Calvary Lutheran church where Paul used to work in Golden Valley rallied around us and helped us so much. They knew we were on a restrictive diet, and one of the congregation members volunteered to bring us food. He name is Dawn and she is a Naturopath. She brought bags of groceries and we sat and talked for a little while as the kids played.

It was great to pick her brain and I felt comfortable enough to discuss my small concerns about the diet not working as well as I thought it would. She started talking about mold build up and creating enough enzymes in his body, and I started to feel overwhelmed. She told me to come to her office in Golden Valley and she would test Noah for some other issues to see what else was going on.

Mold issues? More allergies? Tornado stress? Sleep deprived?

I felt lost and confused. I was standing in this place where all my walls got pushed down already. The way were eating had already changed so much. I mean, really? No sandwiches ever?! Come on! Now there might be other things. I started to find myself not knowing anything about food anymore. I didn't know what I was looking for when assessing my son's behavior. I didn't know what was a food thing, or an emotional thing, or a spiritual thing, or a physical thing, or a behavioral thing. Why was he acting up? What was he upset about? Was it really him, or was his body processing poison?

I wanted to scream that I didn't know anything anymore! How can you parent your kids or take care of them if you don't know what's going on with them? Man I felt lost.

We came home from the wedding in St. Louis and went to NewDawn clinic. There we discovered through an electric computer testing program that Noah wasn't just allergic to Gluten and Dairy, but ALSO

Soy/High Fructose Corn Syrup/Sugar/White potato's/Pork and all kinds of barley and wheat.

It started to make so much sense. To overcompensate the things we were taking out of his diet, we supplemented other fun things like juice, bacon, ham rolls, homemade french fries and fun candy for treats.

All the things he shouldn't be eating. So even though his body wasn't getting pounded by poison, we were still unknowing shoving it in. So ever since Memorial weekend our family has been Gluten/Dairy/Soy/potato/sugar free. We have traveled the country and it has been a challenge. Almost once a week my husband and I look at each other and we say, "Is this worth it?"

Then we look at our son. We remember all the previous things I have written about. Now our son stops and thinks before he freaks out, most of the time. He looks at me and at my request, says, "Yes Madam. OK mom." The sweet boy that everyone is used to, is my son most of the time now. Don't get me wrong, he is still six. He is still a sinner. He is still learning. He is still a kid. We have issues. We have breakdowns. We still struggle to share. We still struggle to listen. He's still six is what I'm saying. But there is more peace in my house now more than ever. Where we were feels like night and day from where we are now. The extra bonus is that my kids are eating healthier than ever before as well. All we eat is fruit and veggies and lean meat and lots of eggs.

Another strong benefit is that we are enjoying our son more than ever before. I feel like I am really getting to know him all over again. We can talk about stuff and he can listen. Again, he's still Noah which is a boy who loves to run, climb and dive into impromptu dance parties. He talks all the time and can't wait to share all he knows. He still has the same amount of energy and spirit and life. The difference is his capability to stop and think and make choices.

So, yes, the Tietjen's are on a huge diet. Paul likes to call it the joy free diet. Ironically, we have more joy in this house than ever before.

Not to walk alone

I don't really believe in dieting. I just want to eat healthy. I don't want to have guilt when I eat something delicious that maybe isn't healthy for me. It's OK every now and then right?

Its been six weeks since I've had gluten or dairy, (OK I did test some gluten today just to find out if it will put my system into whack.) This is huge for me. I've cheated on every goal of loosing weight I've ever created for myself. Even when my husband and I ventured into P90X, I cheated after the first month.

Food often times to me is my reward for a long day, a bad day, a bad moment, stress, tiredness, being emotionally drained, taxed, overwrought, you name it. For all the things that I'm "supposed to do, need to do, am told to do", food I can control. I eat what I want. This gets me in trouble when I am trying to eat healthier. Emotional eating doesn't leave a lot of room for self discipline.

So six weeks of living a new lifestyle in regards to food is monumental for me. I've even lost five pounds! Oh, yeah I fit in my jeans again.

I understand that going gluten free/dairy free is for my son. He is the one who truly needs it. (Which by the way, we have just recently discovered that we will also be going soy free/high fructose corn syrup/sugar/ and pork free. That's another post.)

We have all decided to enter into this process with him for a few reasons:
1. We want him to feel loved.
2. I have never supported making two different meals. Way too much work.
3. We want to support him.
4. It's too hard having food in the house that he can't eat. That seems a bit cruel in the beginning of detox. So its all gone.

Now, Paul is probably the least GDSS free person in the house. He has lunch outside the house and we can't tackle that battle yet. With Lu and Caleb, we haven't really made the choice to make them allergy free. (All their meals are GFDFSF, but their snacks aren't always.) We discuss the pros and cons every day and are just trying to do the best by all our kids. We are using up our other food on those three. Also, because we aren't sure of them going completely dairy free, they have had a little dairy every day to make sure they can still process it till we make our decision. That leaves me.

When I was in St. Louis for my dear friends wedding, someone asked me if I wanted a bagel. I declined and they asked why I wasn't eating gluten. They wondered since Noah wasn't around then why did I need to adhere to the diet?

I just kept thinking, if he can't have it, I shouldn't have it. It felt like cheating to eat behind his back. Going through this process with Noah I want to know fully what it is that I am asking of him. If I said he can't eat any of these things ever, than I want to know the depth of the frustration of what that means. He won't always be with me, and I still need him to adhere to the diet, so I want to do the same. I want to honor him that way.

He is five years old, and his whole little world has changed. He is constantly bombarded with food he can't eat that others are enjoying. I want someone in his corner. I want someone to walk with him, hand in hand and by his side, to say you are not alone. He needs a friend, a companion. Isn't that we all want? Not to be alone in our journey? I am a believer that we aren't ever alone thanks to the love of Christ, but let's be honest, its nice to have a physical person in your corner. One who understands your journey, your joy, your hurt, your struggle. One to be with you when you feel alone. And I believe God uses people to be that love in person for him. I want to be that for my little man. I want to understand as much as possible what his life will look like being allergen free. I want to know what it means to have others eating ice cream and not have any. (It means we stash coconut milk ice cream just for him in the freezer.) I want to know what it means to crave a sweet and fill my craving with strawberries. I want to know the weight of his cross that he will bear. I don't want him to be alone carrying it. (I fully recognize that I can't carry this for him. That this will ultimately be his choice, but you can guarantee I will do everything in my power to help him. That's what mom's do.)

So, no matter what else happens with the other three, I am allergen free. I've lost five pounds and I feel great. I feel overwhelmed with the need to cook everything from scratch, but I hear that will pass. I don't know how our budget will do this, but God is faithful and will provide. What I do find beautiful is that nothing else could keep me eating healthy. Nothing, but my son. I guess we all need a greater reason other than ourselves sometimes to change our habits that hurt us.

There a dozen spiritual parallels in this story that warm my heart. I am again reminded of how God uses our lives, our stories, and the people within them to teach us and remind us of how great his love for us is.

I could continue, but honestly, I'm just trying to hold it all together and I've impressed myself that I got this far with a blog. There are so many thoughts and things rolling around in my mind, this is just the one that slipped out today.

Thank you for walking this journey with us.

its not all about me

I used to think it was all my fault.

Every temper tantrum. Every freak out. If it wasn’t my genetics, than he was yelling because he had seen me yell.

Nature and Nurture together right?

I am sensitive and emotional. I also have a flair for the dramatics. Maybe some would say in my youth I was a drama queen. (I’ve matured a tad, maybe a tidbit is a better word. Which ever one means the smallest amount, that would be it.) I am also intense and an extremists. I go all out when I can. Not just a party, but a full menu, homemade decorations, all food made from scratch kind of party. That’s the just the way I like it. We won’t just watch a movie, we’ll plan for it. Pick a day, make stove top popcorn, eat dinner early, take baths and make a bed in the living room just for the movie. It’s a lot.

I’m a lot to take sometimes.

I just thought my son was like me. He’s intense. He’s sensitive. He’s emotional. He’s our drama queen. So if I didn’t teach him to behave the way he does, than he just naturally gets it from me by instinct.

I also often thought that our schedule and lifestyle was creating his instability and insecurity. That my traveling sometimes once or twice a month was too much for him. This past winter I actually consider stopping my speaking career because he needed so much of my time and attention and I took that on myself.

I blamed me.

Were we not disciplining him enough? Too much? Were we too busy? Did he not enough have structure? He hasn’t been going to bed on time, so he’s overly tired and we need to be better about our schedule. Maybe he watched something he wasn’t supposed to and that taught him to act out. Are we eating right? How much screen time has he had? How much reading time has he had? Does he need alone time? Does he need school? Does he need me home and not traveling? Does he need his dad home more?

The questions wouldn’t stop. The insecurity of myself as a mother was getting worse. The blame and shame and guilt of doing something wrong and how it was hurting my son started to feel like my new skin. I was never without it.

I would cry. A lot. I would call my mom all the time. I was praying constantly and in my prayers of asking for answers, I was repenting of all that I had done wrong to damage my son.

This is the place I was in.

It was a battle most days. In my head I knew it wasn’t all my fault. I really did. But I couldn’t figure out how to lay to rest with my fear and guilt.

Then we went to the doctor. Then we found out that something was really wrong with Noah. His intestines’ were damaged, and leaking out and his body was craving the vitamins it so desperately needs to function properly. It wasn’t my fault.

Saturday I saw a glimpse into who my son really is. It was an incredible day. He was listening, he was attentive, he didn’t overreact when all the kids got Doritos after the T-ball game and he couldn’t have any. He was disappointed and bummed, but was excited to have lime corn chips when we got home. If he didn’t understand our decision, he asked about it instead of falling to the ground whining, or folding his arms and getting what we call “Angry face”. His angry face is REALLY intense. He has very dramatic eyes. Paul and I looked at each other more than once in astonishment.

It was our Sabbath so we didn’t do any work. The whole day was spent together. At the end of the day we had family snuggle time in our bed. After Caleb went to sleep, Paul and Noah and I laid in bed for about half an hour. We talked, snuggled, and we prayed over our son. And then I realized something was different.

I didn’t feel guilty. There was no bad feelings between Noah and I. There was no fear or questioning or shame. Before even on good days, I would have this feeling, of “why can’t it be more like this? What am I doing right or wrong to get this reaction instead of the bad reaction?” The thoughts were always there. The questions never left. Saturday was different.

1. I wonder how often we make our children’s issues about us. If you notice, most of my response is all about me. Though I am, with my husband, the ones in charge of creating the atmosphere and controlling the hurtful things that come into house, the issue still remains that I need to see my children for who they are, and not my agenda or mistakes, or accomplishments.
2. I was allowing Satan to use my insecurity as a mother to change the relationship with my son. It was effecting how I felt about him and us all the time. The issue wasn’t even about me, but I made it about me and then in turn, it changed us.
3. We have to have more grace and forgiveness as parents. To allow God to work through our mistakes and insecurities. To know that he has a plan for our children even with our ability to fail. God is more powerful than our mistakes.
4. Always, always pray. Over your children, for your children, for yourself and over your spouse.
5. It is important to look at all aspects of our children and ourselves and our home. To look at what is going on spiritually, mentally, physically with our kids. The best way to love them is to evaluate everything going on their lives and then pray for answers. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. Pray for knowledge. Pray that someone who does have answers will speak truth into your life.

Kids still act up and disobey. They will still be rowdy and have trouble listening and still want to do what they want to do, not what you want them to do. Noah still does. But it’s not a battle everyday. Its hardly a battle. If it feels like a battle for you, then start praying. Something might be going on that you can’t see.

I had a friend say to me once, “maybe noah has sensory issues.” I was hurt. I didn’t think anything was wrong with my kid. He was just our drama queen. But that seed stayed. And I was paying attention. And I started to talk about our struggles more with other people, and the struggles were getting worse. And then we found an answer.

I want to repeat, that I don’t think everything is fixed or perfect. Or that this is the only way to make things better, or that the fact that the sun is shinning and we get to ride bikes for hours every day doesn’t help. It does. A lot! But we have been GFCFSF for less than a week. We have quite a ways to go in our detox, but I see the light a couple times a day. That feels huge. It feels big enough to have hope that we could be on a path that helps our son physically. Helps me emotionally. Helps our family spiritually.

Emotionally Bipolar

My mind is a jumble of thoughts and emotions and opinions. It’s taking time to sift through them, and one of the greatest things I am learning is to be patient with myself. I wasn’t overwhelmed in the beginning of week, but I’m there now. This is how my brain looks right now.

Beware. Most of this is just to help me process my own thoughts.

- GFDFSF…How hard can this be? I know people who do it.
- Oh crap, I can’t have ice cream from Dairy queen.
- We’re gonna be super healthy now.
- Wow, I really have to make sure I always have a snack with me in case they can’t eat anything.
- I love to bake, what do I do now?
- Hopefully my kids won’t be so hungry now because they are eating more fulfilling foods.
- When will the cravings go away?
- I wonder if this will really work?
- What do we eat for lunch?
- I need different food in my house.
- Wow, there are a lot of resources out there.
- I really hopes this works.
- Man I want an ice cream

Because I said that Paul and I were doing this, yesterday was a completely GFDFSF day, and I was pretty cranky. All I wanted to do was eat carbs. My body is addicted to the sugar in carbs and I was amazed at really how much we eat this in our house. There may be healthily food here, but its right alongside crackers and cheese, cereal, sandwiches, pasta, you name it. Which is all fine if your body can process it, but also not in moderation, your body becomes addicted to it, and we are in withdrawal. I was hungry all day, but stuck to the diet. I also had to remind myself that my children were most likely feeling the same way.

Noah asked for milk at every meal the first day, but hasn’t since. It’s been pretty great.

You know how when you’re going to buy a new car and then all of a sudden it’s the only car you see around? Or you’re pregnant and all you see is mother’s expecting? I am currently only seeing and thinking about all the things we can’t eat. All the habits we have formed around food that we have to change. When I think about our life this way, I get a little sad and maybe a little frustrated. “I can’t have… I won’t ever have_____ again, we can’t eat here_______, we have to bring our own food everywhere, how does this work when we go to other’s homes? Etc.” It also feels very heavy on my shoulders as the primary cook in our house. The only who grocery shops and clips coupons. This mountain feels huge.

What I’ve really realized in it’s truest from these past couple days is your attitude towards whatever happens to you in life is key to happiness, joy, fulfillment, and passing on the goodness of God.

If I in my current mental and emotional state continue to do life this way, I will reap a harvest of bitterness and unfulfillment. However, if I change my attitude than my family can and will embark on a wonderful adventure that will reinstate joy and peace to our house. An adventure that teaches us how to respect and love and take care of the bodies that God has given us. An adventure that will show my son that we will go to any length to love and support him. That can’t be understated.

So in my mind it has been a raging between the two attitudes. Debating between positive and negative. I do still see all the food I can’t have, but it also reminds me that Noah can’t have it either, and that’s the point. This isn’t about me. This is about my son. To love him. To support him. To walk this journey with him. I am asking him to say to his friends who bring really fun and exciting treats. This won’t be easy for him, and so I can suck up my cravings that will go away, and understand he is going through the same thing.

So, we are choosing to be positive about this. We are excited to see what happens to our health, lives, emotions, physical well being. We can do this. As of right now, I can already see a small difference in Noah. He is calmer and can take direction better. On the other hand, Caleb seems to have fallen off the emotional deep end. We will continue to be patient in our progress and see what happens. We will continue to adjust what we are eating and reading up on research and talking to people who have walked this path before us. I have felt such an overwhelming sense of support from family and friends. There are many in our little world who have gone this direction before us. I have a great handful of friends who have called, given me websites, and offered encouragement. It has felt amazing to be so loved and encouraged.

Thank you to everyone for walking with us. Tonight my homework is to make up our food diaries and behavior charts. I am doing this for all of us. In about a week I will post that as well. It is the guide to help us observe food intake and behaviors. We are in the research stage, living life and praying continually for God’s guidance.

Update on Noah

I realize that many of you read my blog about our experience with Noah and his drastic mood swings and vitamin intake. I thought I would give a little update. We don't go back to the Wellness Center until May 10, but I can confidently say that there is a huge difference in my son. On Easter, my friend Lindsey who had thought it might be a vitamin deficiency, looked at Noah and said, "its good to have you back." Even she could tell he was different.

I will say it again. Noah is a passionate, emotional kid who feels a lot for people. He is also strong willed and stubborn. He will still fight me on issues, but it isn't a 45 minute screaming match battle. My other son isn't putting his hands over his ears anymore. Noah would stand his ground on such random issues when he was angry before. And his anger took over his body and turned to rage. You could see it controlling him, and it scared me.

This doesn't happen anymore. I can always see my son in his eyes. When I say something he doesn't like or doesn't approve of, he will look at me and question me. We will discuss it, and then he will say, "I don't like mom, but I'll do it."

A complete 180. He has been on Zinc and fish oil, plus a multivitamin. That's it, and already he has control again over his body. We haven't had a temper tantrum in more than a week. I almost forgot that we were having multiple episodes each day. Life is now filled with more joy, and normal sibling rivalry.

I will continue to post as things progress. You can count on me posting after our appointment on May 10.

I would like to remind you as well, that I don't consider this a fix it all kind of thing. Other parents have found other avenues to help their children, this is just what is helping ours. (And we aren't done, there is still more to be learned.) People and their bodies are complex. There are wiring issues, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc. Each parent needs to really truly look at their child, pay attention and walk this road with their child to find answers for their family. And parents need to talk to one another, be honest about what is going on at home, to see if other families struggle in the same way. And pray. Prayer is key to allowing God to speak truth into your heart and ears about what is going on with your child. Remember, he created them, he knows more than anyone what they need. Thank you for walking this journey with us.

Journey through vitamins and whatnot

Tuesday was a marathon day for me. Not literally, I don’t do marathons, but it was the never ending day, leading into another exceptionally long day on Wednesday. A lot has happened in my small little world, so I might have a lot of words. Please be patient with me.

I posted before describing our world with Noah, my eldest who will turn six in Sept. Noah is a very sweet boy. He has a big heart for people, he is concerned with others when they are sick or left out. He is the star host when you come to our house, always trying to think of your needs before you have them. He will sit and color for hours. The only other thing that would tear him away is reading. He can sit and read book after book after book. He is also very busy. He doesn’t walk anywhere, he runs, he climbs he is falling down every other minute. He loves being busy, wrestling, biking, dancing, cooking, gardening, battling. All of these things are very normal. However, I like to describe Noah as getting all of my emotion (which is a lot) and all of Paul’s sensitivity (which is a lot). The poor kid got a double whammy. He unfortunately got mine and Paul’s side of the family’s temper as well. He has passionate, intense, strong willed parents. He is all of those things from both of us. I just kind of feel bad for him. Someone described kids like that as world changers. I am choosing to raise him as such.

Last year, I discovered Noah was allergic to artificial food coloring. It makes him rage. Not angry. Rage, violent, scary, eruptive. You could literally look at him and not see Noah inside his eyes. We went with weeks dealing with this behavior, me calling my mom twice a day crying, and lots of praying and reading trying to figure out what was going on. After we cut artificial food coloring out of his diet, it was incredible to see the change. He is still passionate, intense, and strong willed, but its all age appropriate.

Until recently.

Old Noah was back. I describe it as Jackel and Hyde because truly, it’s a switch that gets flipped and I have no idea what the trigger is. I found myself saying a lot of the same things to my mom on the phone. I was crying maybe not twice a day but at least once. I was looking at our schedule, our lifestyle, our disciplines, our family time, our alone time, our food, everything. I really didn’t know what to do. I also want to be clear that my husband and I are far from perfect parents. We are just trying to figure it out like everyone else. After my last post about this, many people gave me great books to read on parenting, and I am excited to read those, but I knew something different was going on with Noah. Loosing sight of him in eyes was my key. He was so filled with rage he couldn’t see straight. That didn’t feel normal to me, so I went with my gut and started researching body imbalances.

Then a friend told me about Wyndgate Health. Her first thought was that Noah might be Vitamin B deficient. She had said that she knew a kid that struggled with anger and anxiety, and they found that his vitamin intake was off. I went on Wyndgate Health’s website and was really pleased with what I saw. At the very least, I had a direction to move in because nothing we were doing was working. The next day I had an appointment for Noah the next week. I was really excited.

HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER:

I am not educated in what I am about to write.
I am not a nurse nor anyone who knows anything about the body.
I am not stating that I am an expert on this.
I am not saying that there aren’t other ways to fix problems like we are having or that this is the best way.
Our issue doesn’t involve Autism, ADD or ADHD, although Wyndgate Health does help families in those positions. I just understand that those are not situations we are facing.

What you will read is my understanding from Wyndgate health. You will read our story with our son while it’s happening. We are still in the middle of figuring this out. His appointment was on Tuesday. It’s not fixed. I will do my best to communicate what happened on Tues. to the best of my knowledge. If you want to know more about Wyndgate Health, I recommend it and you can find out what they are about and what they treat on their website www.wyndgatehealth.com

What I love about Wyndgate Health is that they take an all natural approach to healing the whole body. They look at family history, symptoms, blood work, and a consultation with the patient. Noah and I dropped off the other kids at a friend’s house and then drove over to St. Paul to meet with Health specialists. They talked with Noah and myself and then gave Noah a physical. The first thing they looked at was his nails. He has white spots on his nails, which is a result of a zinc deficiency which causes hyperactivity. They also noticed that Noah has pink puffiness under his eyes, which is the result of more vitamin deficiency. His throat/glands are swollen to a frightening degree. The purpose of the glands is to trap infection so something is going on that is attacking his body. They also asked if Noah has a hard time sitting still, yes, some times are worse than others. They also asked how Noah goes to sleep. I told them he crashes as soon as his head hits the pillow. Noah also has a hard time walking heel to toe, heel to toe. All of these things alone might not communicate much, but together, his body is trying to tell us something.

They mentioned a potential allergy to wheat or dairy. I had to ask about what feels like a very random spike in so many people being allergic to wheat/gluten. This is where I found out that after World War II, American’s become obsessed with Hybrid plants and making bread fluffier. We want to make new plants out of originals. Well, in order to do make bread fluffier, you have to add 40% more gluten to wheat. 40% is significant, especially when your body isn’t created by God to process it that way. So the reason so many bodies can’t process wheat/gluten anymore is because the product of wheat isn’t the same. We literally aren’t eating the same food that our grandparents did. (There are many great websites that describe this better and with greater research than I am here.)

So at our appointment, we discovered that day that Noah has a zinc and Omega 3 fatty acid deficiency. We also got a full blood work up that will test for deficiencies and allergies. We have an appointment in three weeks to go over the test results, our first consultation, family history and the 13 pages of symptoms and behaviors that I notice in Noah. They gave us fish oil for Noah to take to help increase his brain activity and zinc to help even out his body. If they find other vitamin deficiencies, the goal is to formulate an all natural vitamin that is specific for Noah’s body. They will look at his body levels and find out what he is in need of and what levels he needs them. Then he can take his one multivitamin each day.

What I love about this, is the approach that you are really looking at the body and what it uses to live and exist. I think we can all agree that even healthy people need to take vitamins. There is no way to physically or financially eat all the food that is necessary to keep your nutrient levels where they need to be. This approach sees where the body is lacking most and providing the means to be healthy.

What we hope this does for Noah is take away his anxiety and rash response to things, while also giving him the ability to think when things in his world become tragic. I think about how hard it would be to make and keep friends when your response is so explosive. I can only imagine how difficult school would be when your body is so preoccupied with adjusting itself, that you can concentrate on what the teacher needs from you.

I am hoping we have answers and a plan in three weeks. I want our house to be peaceful. I believe it can be. I want my son to be confident in whom he is. I hate watching him loose himself in anger and rage. I think there is a way to help him, and I hope we found it. Regardless, if this doesn’t work, than we still love our son as much as we ever did, we pray even more for wisdom and continue to seek God for all our answers.

Again, please understand, I just want to share our story as its happening. This is our journey in understanding parenting, our bodies, food, discipline, life, love and sacrifice.

The whole picture

I can tell that something is wrong. My oldest isn't behaving like himself. He is more intense, angry, full of rage, anxious and over protective of things. It isn't always, and I have yet to figure out what the switch is, but somehow out of nowhere, the switch gets flipped, and out goes my sweet and funny five year old, replaced by some very angry kid I don't know very well, and don't know what to do with.

This has been going on a few weeks, and truthfully I haven't any energy left for anything else. We pray, we try to stay calm, we talk, we punish, we are trying everything, and we are exhausted. When signs like this started happening a year ago, we discovered that our oldest was sensitive to artificial food coloring. It is completely out of our house now. However, my phone conversations with my mother are really starting to sound the same. He's angry and I don't know what to do. He is full of rage, and I can't take anymore.

My husband and I are looking into all sorts of options and reasons for the change in our son. There is a theory of the half year. That kids struggle more during their half year because there isn't as much attention on how big and old you are getting. They are out of whack. There is also the struggle of starting school soon. They know change is coming, they want it but don't know how to process that. There is a tight schedule for kids and in the opposite corner, the idea that kids should be free to be bored and use their imagination. There was the parents crazy schedule, but we have settled down. Then there is looking at the food you are putting into your body. That is where we are sitting right now. I am scheduling our son for an evaluation on allergies and low vitamin intake. We are also reading a ton on shepherding the child's heart, how to love the wildness in boys, dealing with parent/child power struggles.

I wish there was a book that really addressed ALL issues that affect kids. The books either claim its all health, all spiritual, or all emotional. I believe that they all work together. That's the book I want. I am conviced that each of these do NOT work seperate, but together. When one is out of balance, the rest suffers, so how come we only address one aspect of the issue in all the parenting books out there.

I miss my sweet son. I see glimpses of him, and then he is gone. We are fighting again. We are at odds. We can't figure out how to meet in the middle, but I will use every ounce of energy I have to try until we can find each other again.