I feel like we make a lot of mistakes over here. Our selfishness often gets the best of us and we can't see what the other people in our home need from us.
If I am honest, in the shades of night before I sleep I am saddened by the way I have treated my children earlier in the day. Most often, the loathing starts quickly after I have already misstepped. My remorse can be great, and I think, what kind of example am I leaving them with?
I often take my insecurities out on my kids. Or my impatience with them is biting as I am the one who over scheduled herself. I will use shame to get them to do things, and if we were measuring my parenting success by my tone of voice, I would come up grossly short.
We may do a bunch of stuff well over here, but man oh man, we sure do a bunch of stuff not so well.
And it's not like is a competition with other parents. It's just real life. Two screwed up people fell in love and had babies and didn't work through all their crap before they decided to raise more humans. Whoops.
So at this point, we have a choice right? Pretend like we have our shit together which causes tension because pretending will always pushing against the real rawness of our soul. Or own the fact that we screw up. Admit it. Embrace it. Confess it.
Which we do all the time with our children. We confess our missteps. Our wrong doings. Our sin. Or we confess that we stand behind our choices that they don't understand. The rules we put in place that they don't like. The choices we make on our families behalf. We push hard to make sure they have the reasons behind the information.
With all the ways we hurt our kids by our mistakes, or they feel jaded because of our choices and they don't understand, they put up walls to protect themselves from us. I then have to figure out a way to get around the walls or bring them down.
So you know what I do? I say to my kid every day,
"I am for you. I am going to screw up, but I will remain here and fight for you. I will say the wrong thing, but we can talk about it because, I will stay till you know I am not going anywhere. You are not going to like some, or most, of the choices I make for you, but you need to remember, I am for you.
"I am your advocate. I am on your side. I am rooting for you. I am for you. I will walk every step with you. You are not alone in this. You have me. Whether you want me or not. Whether you like e or not. Whether I am the last person on the planet you want to see right now, I see all of you. The big beautiful personality you show the world, the scared parts you try to hide, your inflated ego that masks the insecurity you are struggling to figure out. As you navigate these waters of self awareness and identity, I see you. And I think you amazing. And nothing will keep me from cheering you on, for being the lap you need to curl up on even when you are 16. For getting in my car and rescuing you, or standing by and calling out to God as you battle yourself in self discovery.
Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Appropriate or not.
I am for you."
The tears in the fabric of our relationship are coming. You will need to pull away to discover who you are. I am going to screw up in this. You are going to screw up in this. We are going to hurt each other. We are going to hurt ourselves.
But nothing will keep me from showing up. Every day. Rooting for you. Standing for you. Fighting for you. Being for you.