Public Consumption

I'm kind of over social media. I'm just done. Exhausted by it. Drained from it. I even feel crippled from it, not quite remembering what it feels like to live without it.

I know I know, I will most likely at some point come back to it. That's fine. I am not against it. But for now, I'm just kind of done being publicly consumed. I mean we put the pieces of ourselves out there to be absorbed, to be seen, to be evaluated and measured and consumed. 

Right? I have a fun day or special moment and I write about it and put it out there for you. Then you take it in and like or don't. Comment on it or not. Either way, you consume it because I put it out there to be taken. I get it. 

I get that social media connects us. It can inspire us and educate us and teach us. There are so many good things about it. I am not anti-social media. (The irony of still writing a blog and putting myself out there is not lost on me. Trust me. The difference however is this place isn't about the likes or comments or measuring. This feels a bit more genuine because you choose to come here and spend time with me.)

But, for real, I am way out of balance. My whole feels likes it getting consumed at a rate in which I can't keep up and there isn't much of me left.

I keep thinking, I don't remember what it feels like to simply live my life without the lens of sharing it with you. Every moment to have a picture, but not just a picture, an Instagram worthy photo. And not just a Facebook post, a crafted, witty, moving post. And not just a few words for twitter, something that will stand out and catch attention. Ugh. I am tired just writing about it. 

I miss moments that are simply for me. Or to simply share with the people in the moment with me. And that's on me. 

It's also really easy for me to twist that whole strange public space into something dark. A place where I start to weigh and measure my worth. How do you respond to what I share with you? How much do you like it? Or don't you? How much attention do I get from this? If I share these types of stories, then you respond more, so I start to "perform" for you. Giving you what I think you want from me. Then it gets weighed and measured again and I am left with a false sense of self and security and I couldn't believe I went there.

I started to see it for what it was, me needing you to acknowledge my worth and existence. Then I thought, Damn how did I get here? I never wanted to be here. 

So I left. 

The other piece of this is all the media that surrounds our current complicated race, ethnicity, political, systematic, religious problems. (NOT that they didn't exist before, but many the internet has a way of enhancing all of our issues.) I was being consumed by info; posts, opinions, articles, videos, comments. I was turning obsessed and not in an edifying way. No, I was simply consuming it and it was taking over my life, turning my heart against people, and deep judgement was winning over building bridges. 

I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave. I am consumed enough in my daily life by the people who live in my house and on my street. I already have so many things that need my time, attention, respect, understanding, patience, and ability to show up. Where I struggled to have boundaries before, living in North Minneapolis has demanded that I start to figure this out, otherwise there will be nothing left of me before too long. 

I am consumed almost from the time I wake up till I go to bed. I have no more space for social media and its all consuming ways. I came to a moment in my life where I thought, 

For now, do I want to show up in my real life, or show up in my electronic life?

So I choose my real life. 

I still struggle with, "Oh man, I want to share this online!" But it causes me to ask why? Why would I share this? Is it so you see me? Is it so I can make myself look good, or smart or educated or servant hearted? And why do I need you to know these things? Is it not enough for my me to simply have this experience? Or is it not enough that I might know these things are true?

Does your opinion of me matter to me more than my own?

And that's when I knew that I had started to loose my deep waters. 

And I need to get them back. 

So I hope you can forgive my lack of presence online, outside of this space. This feels like the closest version of online relationship that we can have. 

I debated on even writing about this, but since I have been active on all forms of social media, and now I am clearly not there, I thought you deserved to know why. 

I mean, we're in this together aren't we?

If you need me, respond here, or email me or give me a call. I'm not hard to find. 

Or you can always meet me out in the garden. I'll brew us some coffee and we can pull food from the ground and share in the life giving force of being connected together in the earth.