The invitation

There is something powerful in an invitation.  It speaks an affirmation to the very essence of who you are.

I remember the first time I spent time with Paul.  We were sitting in a green room suite for the bands, speakers, and staff of a large conference we were both working.  We had only exchanged glances and small pleasantries up until this moment.  When he came and went from a room, I followed him discreetly with my eyes.  Then, as he was surrounded by people, Paul walked over to me and asked me to join the conversation he was in over at the other end of the room.

My response was filled with my usual awkwardness.  I think I just stared at him, confused by what he asked.  He smiled his patience with me (which oddly still continues 15 years later in our marriage as I try to keep up) and repeated his question.  

"I would love to have your input in this conversation we are having over there.  Would you join us?"

After my awkward silence, he was met with my awkward and insecure response.

"Me?  You're talking to me?"  See up this point, my best friend and I would joke at the reality that we were always the girls in the corner of the room with no one to talk to.  It was funny because it was always true.

He held out his hand to help me off my seat  on the floor and reaffirmed that I was the one he wanted to join him.

Let's put aside the fact that my husband is super hot and any girl would be honored to receive his attention, I was still figuring out who I was and hadn't found my confidence yet.  Let's be real, I wasn't even near the right track to take the train all the way to the other sphere where my confidence apparently lived.  Getting down that road took years.

I sat in that conversation utterly stunned and a deep feeling I wasn't sure how to describe settled in my spirit.

I was wanted.

Someone sought me out and choose me.

The power in the invitation.

Invitation is confirmation that who I am is valuable and needed.  And even more than needed, it is wanted and desired.

We each offer something unique to the human race.  Our very existence changes the course of history.

Invitation validates that uniqueness in each of us. 

That moment of being invited usually means that something is going to change.  

You can't accept an invitation and not be faced with the core issue of addressing the identity of who you are and what you offer.  Someone has seen something in you.  They are acknowledging who and what you are and expanding your territory.  When you are invited it is often within a territory that you have not chosen nor one that you often inhabit.  Otherwise, you wouldn't need to be invited.

So what happens when your territory is expanded?

Often you are asked to leave the comfort of what feels normal to you.  You are embarking on new experiences, new business, new dreams, new understanding, new religion, new books, new music.  

New space.

New culture.

New relationships.

Someone sees a value in who you are and that it contributes to this world outside of where you normally exist.  

That is powerfully beautiful, especially in a world where we are often seen and not known.  Where we are constantly surrounded by people and yet, more and more feel incredibly lonely.  Where everyone else seems to be doing something amazing with their life, why doesn't anyone see me?  

Know me?  

Want me?  

Value me? 

Saying yes to invitation requires vulnerability.  It as an awareness of who I am and an appreciation of what I offer to the world.  It takes courage to humbly accept your powerful existence in the world.  Accepting the invitation is an opportunity to absorb the gift.  To be in the moment and let go of the lie that you don't belong in this new space you have never before explored.  Big and powerful things happen when we say yes to the invitation.  Most of them are personal and internal digging out the deep rooted lies that you don't belong.  Saying yes frees you to enjoy expanding your territory.

When we say yes to the invitation our lives change.  

We grow.  

We learn.

We explore.

We learn to enjoy the moments, value ourselves, and contribute more and more of who we are to the world.

We should invite people in more.

We should say yes to more invitations of relationships and opportunities.

And when I think of the greatest invitation I ever received, I think of Christ.  I remember all the ways in which he continues to invite me into new territory, asking me to trust him and let him expand my territory.  

An invitation to enjoy rich relationships.

Invitations to meaningful ministry.

Invitations to mercy and grace and humility.

And every day he invites me to love more than I thought possible.

And that my friends has been my greatest journey and an adventure that hasn't stopped.

Again

That word. 

Again. 

Most often that word explicit's frustration from me.  It angers me as I hear myself say...

I am starting my diet.  Again. 

I am going to start meditating.  Again. 

I am going to try exercising.  Again. 

Why am I angry at myself?  Again. 

I spent the whole day being a sloth and reading, and watching bad movies while ignoring my responsibilities and my children.  Again. 

I didn't do anything beautiful today.  Again.

I wasn't brave to speak my mind.  Again. 

I only thought of myself today.  Again. 

I read a ton of blogs and got incredibly jealous of all the incredible things people are doing.  Again.

I only saw what others had and nothing of what I do have.  Again. 

I didn't do devotions.  Again. 

I wasted opportunity.  Again. 

I yelled at my kids.  Again. 

I broke a promise.  Again. 

I ate junk food for breakfast.  For lunch.  For dinner.  Again.

I got down on myself.  Again. 

This word, Again, has the power to keep us locked in a destructive cycle.  It steals our hope because let's be honest, every time I loose hope, I think, I did it...again.

This is where I am at right now.  I am living in the dark side of Again.  I have over committed myself...again.  That leads me to cast aside every healthy habit I have in favor of survival habits.  Survival habits that include drinking coffee late at night to keep working.  Giving up exercise because I need, and I mean need, that extra  hour to clean or see my family, or again, keep working.  When I give up exercise, I throw eating well out the window.  Because apparently I am too busy to make myself a salad, I become a stash and grab eater.  Those eating habits create low energy for me, so I drink more coffee.  I am then up late working, so I can't get up early for devotions.

I have done this so many times in my life, it's disheartening.  So I utter these words...these painful words that heap on guilt and a cycle of shame...

"I am not going to live like this AGAIN." 

And then I do. 

Because I am human. 

Because I am broken. 

Because I will have issues that I wrestle with till the day I die. 

Again and again and again and again. 

It's almost enough to make you want to give up hope right? 

But then I remember. 

I remember that I am loved.   Again.

I remember that I am forgiven.  Again. 

I remember that God's blessings are new each day.  Again. 

I remember that my husband is dedicated to my success.  Again.

I remember that each day is new.  The sun rises every morning Again to give me another opportunity. 

I remember that God calls me his beloved.  Again. 

That he walks with me each day, every moment, giving me second chances...again and again and again. 

When I live in my dark world of Despair again, I am hopeless. 

When I live by the truth that God is never done with second chances, I can live free... 

Again. 

Words, like most ideas, hold the power of good and evil.  They can be life affirming, or self destructing.  Again is a word that can bring forth guilt or hope.  Most often it is in our perspective in how we live out the words that shape our hearts.

I want to be a believer of again, not chained down to it. 

Today I choose to live into the freedom that Again gives me, not the life it can steal from me. 

Remember that you are loved today.  Again. 

The need for protection

We dream of having someone to protect us.  To have that one person in your life who loves you more than anything.  The person who will see the darkness and the life in you at the same time and say, "You are worth it.  Everyday I choose you.  I love you.  I want you.  I will never leave you."  Flowing from those beautiful poetic words, usually comes a promise to "have and to hold, to protect and cherish".  I believe it doesn't matter who you are, we all desire to be chosen by someone.

We then take it one step further in our confession for the desire to be protected. Protection from harm is where our childhood fantasy plays out with the Knight and shining armor.   To have a protector that will battle any and all dark forces so that not one hair on our head is touched.  That we would be so cherished by the love of our life, that they would risk their own life for ours.  It is sacrificial love at its best.  I do not believe this childhood dream is for girls alone.  I have witnessed and experienced boys who have turned into men that long for a protector as well.  Maybe not physically, but, what of our hearts?  The dreams and the spirit that makes us unique?  What about our gift that each one of us offers humanity?  Will the love of our life help us protect those very intimate and personal aspects of ourselves? 

It is a disservice not only to our hearts, but also our relationships when we leave the act protecting to its over simplified  physical limit.  Are not our hearts and dreams and wounds worthy of protection and attention?  Deep inside each of us is lies the scars where we have been wounded and were not protected.  The dreams we hold that we are afraid to share because at some point in our history, someone attacked our idea and we were left wounded and bleeding, promising to never expose those parts of our heart again.  When we are left without a protector, we don't dare to believe that we can be vulnerable or lovable or that we are worthy.

This past weekend I found myself walking the beach on the coast of Connecticut participating in the NE District Youth Gathering.  I was there pursuing my dream of speaking truth and life and love to the hearts of students across the country.  I left my husband and three kids home.  After working 50 hours that week, my husband would then have to manage our three kids, our home, the grocery shopping, our broken car, homework, baths, all the meals for three diet restricted kids, laundry, fights, silly games, screen time, church, and in the end make sure everyone was ready for school Monday morning, because I wouldn't be home till midnight Sunday.  

He called me Saturday, and I was expecting a full break down of frustration because everyone was tired and falling apart.  Instead, I got encouragement and his genuine excitement for me doing what we both believe I have been called to do.  He asked me to make sure I enjoyed my time.  He reminded me to protect my sleep so I could soak up all the blessings that God was pouring on me.   He said that when I got home, life would resume to schedules and homework and we would back to the daily grind.  He wanted to make sure that I rested, enjoyed, and sought God in my weekend.  To enjoy the students and the blessings they are.  Mostly he called to tell me he was so  happy I was living out my dream. 

Protection poured out from him.   His words of protection poured over the lies that I had believed that I wasn't good enough for this job I longed for.  Protection over my heart and the ability to live into a dream.  A gentle reminder to protect my boundaries so that I could remain healthy.  

Protection wasn't a word that I thought much on when looking for my life partner.  It has however become a characteristic that I believe needs more of our attention. 

Our immediate reaction to this would be,  

1. If we are single, we would start looking for a protector

or.. 

2. If we are in a relationship, make our partner read this to speak these words of what we desire from them

I would challenge that neither of these is my goal for writing this post.  What I have learned and gained from life so far is that if we see what the world is lacking, then we should make the change first in ourselves.  Michael Jackson said it when he sang, Man in the mirror; its where the change starts. 

Whoever you are and in whatever relationships we have, spouses, partners, friends, children,  parents, bosses, co-workers; we have the ability to protect those around us.   To protect those things that people are scared to share.  That when someone dares to expose part of their heart and dreams, that we would rush to protect instead of tear down.  That we could be their champion encouraging and uplifting and protecting along the way.

To help protect their dream by encouraging them. 

To help protect their lives against abuse.

To help protect someone in their healing in AA. 

To help protect a friends heart against shame and guilt.

To help a friend live into their dream of loosing weight to be healthy. 

To be present in the lives of the people around protecting their time. 

To show love in deep ways that will protect wounds we don't even see. 

If we choose to live into that challenge, then I say, we shouldn't and can't stop there. When I think of protection, I think of so many women and children who can't protect themselves.  Women and children who have names and faces and fears and wounds that we don't understand.  Women around the world, children lost in the cities.  Where is their protector?   Do they even believe protectors exist?

Is it possible?  Could we dare to believe that we could, even without knowing them, be apart of their protection?  That if these women and children see that someone cares enough to protect them, then someone would care enough to love them?  That would mean they were worthy.  Worthy enough for love.  Worthy enough for life.  Worthy enough for new beginnings. 

Protection goes beyond our false ideal of a Knight and Shining Armor.  It is so, so much more. 

There are many different organizations that are serving God and humanity by the work they do in protecting those who need protection.  Here are just a very SMALL few to get you started if you don't know where to look.

www.haitimissionproject.com 

www.eyesthatsee.com 

www.compassion.com

www.healinghaiti.org

Be blessed friends, and I am excited to see how protection starts living out in your lives. 

The storms that seem to destroy our trust

It was early morning, the kids fell back asleep tucked in their car seats and wrapped in their blankets.  I had iced coffee and Sanders Bohke filling the car with soulful rich music.  It was a beautiful way to start our 12 hour drive home.  I was waiting for the sun to come up and greet us.  I was looking forward to the start of a brand new day, with the hopes of being filled with adventure and giggles from my kids as we sang silly songs and played games in the car.

We were heading west, so I watched the first signs of orange and red in the rear view mirror.  The further we drove however, it was clear that there was a huge storm in front of us.  At one point, immediately after the kids woke up, the sun was shining behind us, there were gray clouds over us, with slight sprinkles that brought out a double rainbow, but in the distance, I saw the blackness and I worried.  Big still really struggles with storms.  His triggers are dark clouds and thunder and instead of being safely tucked in a home under its protection, we were traveling in the big metal box that he saw damaged and pierced with tree limbs in the tornado two years ago.  His faith in our current protection was shattered as he too noticed the black clouds coming.  He looked out and said in a high pitched worried voice, “mama, its coming!  Look, something bad is coming!”

I tried to reassure him that we would be OK.  We worked on reality therapy.  I would ask him questions like, “Does thunder hurt us?  What is thunder?  What happens if it rains?  Who is bigger than this storm?  What has you worried the most?”  All these things he would answer, trying to hold onto the truth that the rain doesn't hurt and the thunder is just noise and we are never left alone.

But then we drove in the storm and even I got afraid.  Never in my life have I driven through such a storm.  It was almost like a winter white out, the rain was coming down so hard I couldn't see if front of us.  The sky moved from grey, to dark, to midnight black.  The rain pounded our car so hard that I couldn't even talk to the kids.  I had to scream to them that we were all right which just seemed to make it worse.  The thunder cracked so loud the windshield shook at one point.  The lightening would pierce the sky over and over.  My hands were white knuckled on the steering wheel and I kept questioning whether we should pull over and stop and wait it out.  I knew though however that if I kept focused we could push through and get through the storm faster, than just sitting in it and waiting for it to pass. 

I needed my kids to trust me.  I took my eyes off the road for one brief moment to check the review mirror to make sure they were OK.  I saw all three kids huddled together with their blankets over their heads.  I saw Big, Middle and Little all holding hands.

As I drove through that storm, I am sure my children wished with all their might that I would pull over and find a safer place to be.   They wished that somehow I could make the storm stop, to just make it go away and bring the sun back.  But I wasn't doing that.  I kept driving through the storm and I needed them to trust me.  I needed them to trust me to make the right choice in driving through the storm.   That I knew when the storm was OK to drive through, and when it was time to pull over.  I needed them to trust that I would keep them safe even though they were scared.  I needed them to trust my love for them, that even though things were very hard right in this moment, I wouldn't do anything to hurt them.  Even when it felt absolutely terrifying, I needed them to trust me.

And then the rain started to ease up.  The thunder slowly started to sound softer, and the lightening was no longer flashing in the sky.  Streams of light starting to shine through the clouds and all of a sudden, we were on the other side.  The blackness we just drove through was behind us, reflecting in the review mirror, and the light was bright in front of us.

We had made it.

The kids slowly pulled down their blankets from their heads, and peaked out.  They cautiously looked at me and asked, “Is it over?  Are we safe again?” 

Yes.  We made it through.  Even though it was scary and hard, we made it through.

In the midst of the storm it was impossible to imagine it being over.  The storm raged so loud around us that it was all we could see, all we could hear, all we could live in.  I wasn't thinking about when it was over, I was thinking about, how do we live in this place right now and be OK?

And then God spoke softly in my heart, reminding me of how little I trust him when things are truly hard and overwhelming in my life and all I can see is the pain and the suffocating struggle of every day.  In that moment in the car, he begged me to trust him, just as I wanted my children to trust me.

There are days when I shut down and I hide in books or TV or FB or Twitter and I don’t want to come out.  I don’t want to face the things that make life hard.  I hide instead of handing my struggle to the Lord really learning what it means to trust him to guide me through it.

My children made it through that terrifying experience in the car that day.  While we walked back to our cabin this week in the black hills of SD, there were black clouds approaching and thunder rumbling in the distance.  As Big squeezed my hand, he looked at me and said, “We made it through that bad storm in the car mama, we can get through this one too.”

That is the great thing about trust.  When you put your trust in the one who can provide for you and get you through, every storm gets a little easier because they have proven to be trustworthy.  They become someone you can count on.

I spoke to Henry that day in the car and recalled the storm experience for him.  The first thing he said to me was, “You have a story in there.”  And he was right.

God has a way of taking the moments in our life and turning them into truths that we can hold on to get us through this journey called life.  These moments that can ground us in peace and love as we fight through the storms of life.  Our little family was scared that day, but we are stronger for it and God rested his peaceful hand on our hearts.

As we press on

I sat in a worship service in the black hills tonight.  I was surrounded by family and friends and strangers.  The candles were lit, the lights low, the music soft and gentle brushing over people’s hearts.  It wasn't just quiet, it was still.

We all faced the cross and the words were read, “Take a deep breath.  Breathe in and breathe out, breathe the very breath that connects you to the one who made you.”

I closed my eyes tight hoping beyond hope that I could grasp onto that connection.  I wanted desperately to feel passionately about my faith again.  I have been running on empty.  That deep connection to your spirit, the one that lights up your eyes has been missing.  The list of things to do weighs heavier on me than I like to admit.  Instead of breaking down, I have become numb.  I get through the day.  I try to laugh and enjoy my family each day.  I try to write and find progress on the long list of projects that people are waiting to get from me.  I try to somehow just maintain a semi clean home where my family has clothes to wear and something to eat.  The monotony of each day with the pressure to accomplish super human possibilities causes me to shut down so that I can keep pressing towards the goal.  I accomplish all these things, but they are done with heaviness in my heart and a worn look in my spirit.

My prayers seem rehearsed.

The Biblical teaching to my children when correcting or encouraging them feels empty.

My running in the morning that used to be filled with cries out to God for guidance and help are silent these days.  I don’t even know what to say.  I fill pages after pages with words for multiple projects and then I have none when I am left alone to share my heart with God.

All the things that I used to do to try to reconnect to my spirit aren't working.  Or I am too tired to really care to try.

It feels stale, and worn and tiring.

I used to believe that it was wrong to say such things, till I realized that at some point we all feel that way.  About our faith, our life, our relationships.  Trying to ignore it never works though.

But tonight, in the black hills of South Dakota, I breathed deep.  I breathed out and breathed in.

I was reminded that the very breath I have inside of me is the one God gave me directly.  It is his breath that gives us life.  And so even in the midst of feeling distant and cold and shut down, I am still connected to him and my spirit because I live.

Because I am alive, he is with me.

Even when I am running on empty, he does not leave me.  Every breath I take belongs to him.

I had peace in my soul for the first time in awhile remembering this truth.

I am not alone, nor am I lost.

He remains with me, even when I am over committed and underwhelmed.

He is also with you, in every breath you take.

Hope in Despair

I have to laugh that for all the grief I give my husband about a painting that hangs over our couch in our home, I am actually including it in a blog.  

A few years ago, my husbands best friend, Lloyd Garrelts had a desire to add "artist/painter" to his list of many talents.  He had decided long ago that if he were to ever become a painter, it would start with a large black canvas that had one small white dot on it.  To mock modern art, he would call it "Hope in Despair".  It communicates that no matter how small the evidence of hope may seem, it does change the landscape.  The despair is not untouched.

When our friend turned 40, Paul commissioned him to start his dream, and paint on the largest canvas we could afford.  For days he came to paint.  Lots of pepsi and wine got drank, and the dream became a reality.  I was in full support of my husband trying to help make dreams come true, till I was told that in order to be a true work of art, it is commissioned by someone and hung in their home.  So here it sits, in our home, a big black wall of canvas, reminding us that dreams do come true.

Hope in Despair

When I was driving down our street the other day, I saw this...

It is a large Chalkboard with the painted letters, "Before I die..."  I got really distracted by it and wanted to check it out, so I pulled over and walked right up to it so I could read what people were writing.  This is what I saw.

Amongst the desires for fame you also find hope to know God, hope to end the pain, hope to find love, hope to truly find oneself.  It was simply beautiful.

Here, in my hood where we are frequently on the news for destruction, anger, stealing, killing, rape and fires, I found this.  A long list of hopes and dreams that people have for their future, even in the midst of the despair, hope can be found no matter how small.

I saw a big black canvas written all over with white paint.

Hope is not lost.  Even in the midst of all of the despair, hope can be found.  We can't survive without it.  People here have big dreams of finding love and God and repairing what is broken.  Amazing things happen when we work together towards that dream.

Today I felt like it is well with my soul.

Hope has not been lost.