Most often that word explicit's frustration from me. It angers me as I hear myself say...
I am starting my diet. Again.
I am going to start meditating. Again.
I am going to try exercising. Again.
Why am I angry at myself? Again.
I spent the whole day being a sloth and reading, and watching bad movies while ignoring my responsibilities and my children. Again.
I didn't do anything beautiful today. Again.
I wasn't brave to speak my mind. Again.
I only thought of myself today. Again.
I read a ton of blogs and got incredibly jealous of all the incredible things people are doing. Again.
I only saw what others had and nothing of what I do have. Again.
I didn't do devotions. Again.
I wasted opportunity. Again.
I yelled at my kids. Again.
I broke a promise. Again.
I ate junk food for breakfast. For lunch. For dinner. Again.
I got down on myself. Again.
This word, Again, has the power to keep us locked in a destructive cycle. It steals our hope because let's be honest, every time I loose hope, I think, I did it...again.
This is where I am at right now. I am living in the dark side of Again. I have over committed myself...again. That leads me to cast aside every healthy habit I have in favor of survival habits. Survival habits that include drinking coffee late at night to keep working. Giving up exercise because I need, and I mean need, that extra hour to clean or see my family, or again, keep working. When I give up exercise, I throw eating well out the window. Because apparently I am too busy to make myself a salad, I become a stash and grab eater. Those eating habits create low energy for me, so I drink more coffee. I am then up late working, so I can't get up early for devotions.
I have done this so many times in my life, it's disheartening. So I utter these words...these painful words that heap on guilt and a cycle of shame...
"I am not going to live like this AGAIN."
And then I do.
Because I am human.
Because I am broken.
Because I will have issues that I wrestle with till the day I die.
Again and again and again and again.
It's almost enough to make you want to give up hope right?
But then I remember.
I remember that I am loved. Again.
I remember that I am forgiven. Again.
I remember that God's blessings are new each day. Again.
I remember that my husband is dedicated to my success. Again.
I remember that each day is new. The sun rises every morning Again to give me another opportunity.
I remember that God calls me his beloved. Again.
That he walks with me each day, every moment, giving me second chances...again and again and again.
When I live in my dark world of Despair again, I am hopeless.
When I live by the truth that God is never done with second chances, I can live free...
Words, like most ideas, hold the power of good and evil. They can be life affirming, or self destructing. Again is a word that can bring forth guilt or hope. Most often it is in our perspective in how we live out the words that shape our hearts.
I want to be a believer of again, not chained down to it.
Today I choose to live into the freedom that Again gives me, not the life it can steal from me.
Remember that you are loved today. Again.