I should be over this. I said.
No you shouldn't. Shouldn't doesn't exist. She said.
It feels so silly. I said.
It's not. You weren't ready before. You are now. She said.
I'm too old for this. I said.
You are in your 30's and prime for this self discovery. It's your new birth to self awareness. She said.
Being in your 30's means now is your moment. This is the perfect time for you in your prime and it makes the most sense. She kept going.
And nothing is sexier than when a woman does the hard work to let all the bullshit go and starts to truly love herself. You pouring into your healing and really stripping away all the preconceived ideas and expectations, all the baggage you accumulated. It's inspiring to watch, and it's really sexy. She said.
I clung to those words like a life line.
I need them to be true, because mostly... well... when you start pulling your life apart and let all your emotions and insecurities and bruised pieces of your heart sit there out in the open, all you can help but think is, "When did I get to be this twisted up? How did I not see how broken I was?"
The very last thing you feel is sexy. Or awesome. Or even capable most days.
I emotionally, spiritually, and mentally crashed and burned last fall. If I'm honest, I was teetering on the edge for awhile. Sometimes I feel like those are big dramatic words to describe me, but it's how I really feel. I built my life on a lot of crazy expectations and lies that I believed about myself, a lack of self worth that I can't believe I have to own. Patterns and habits that hurt me and my family. I came to a point where I was so tired of trying to hide, or living my life in a way that wasn't honest or real for me. I was letting my life, my emotions, my choices be ruled by other people and their opinion of me. I could go on and on, but that's for another day.
But now here I am. I now have the wreckage of cracking my soul wide open to deal with. It's just lying there all over the floor while I have to sort it out. And anyone who has been through the wringer, knows that kind of healing takes time. This is not a weekend project, clean a room time, but day after day, week after week, month after month, learning to choose different. It is a mind game unlike anything else. Nothing feels natural because natural responses got me in this place and I question every decision I make. My relationships all feel like they balance on a hinge. Normal interactions carry a different weight because exposing all your crap means you live more raw and tender, which again, strains relationships. Every little thing takes immense strength and concentration, which brings you back to being tired all over again. Just for different reasons. Before I was tired because I was over stretched. Now I am tired from relearning myself every damn day.
Because becoming self aware and relearning yourself can't be summed up in a meme. It takes more strength and time than that.
Because even when if feels silly and small and maybe even that your own personal journey to real true discovery can't compare to others struggles, you know you have to keep going.
My skin feels strange to me. My thoughts confuse me. My emotions feel like they can't be trusted. I want to drink more than I ever did before. I want to be honest but kind of terrified if people could really handle what really goes on in my head.
Feeling strange in your own body and mind is a really good reason to want to stop this process, but I know I can't. I know that no matter what happens on the other side of the journey, I may not look any different to you, but I will find me. Mark my words, at the end of this grievous road, though I don't feel it now, I will claim my voice back, and I will feel sexy in my own skin again.