"Love me anyways"

I am currently having a flirtatious relationship with the line, "I am yours and you are mine" in the Hillsong United chorus of "Oceans".  I don't know what about that line that gets me so deeply, but it cuts right through all the bull. For all the voices that seem to have taken up residence in my mind, this one is trying to call out louder than the others, "You belong to someone! Someone wants you! And that someone wants to belong to you too!"

There is something carnal in the human condition to belong. To be seen, and to be known by someone. It confirms we are alive. That our soul doesn't wander this place unattached. I need to know that if I die, someone will notice. 

To belong. I am yours. Not in ownership, but in relationship. In a covenant and promise, when I become yours, you also become mine. We belong. To each other. Together.

Last night, on a random cold and snowy Tuesday, Paul and I got a rare and needed date. We found a quaint and quiet little cafe in NE Mpls, where Paul had wine and I ordered a coffee and we split an order of super yummy and crunchy French Fries. We had debated for some time about where to go, him wanting the ease of something familiar and reminiscent of our early dating years,The Olive Garden. I wanted something close in the city and a place we hadn't discovered yet together. I won, I mean... he wanted to make me happy so we chose a local cafe. (I guess by default that means I didn't want to make him happy? I'm never quite sure how that argument ends to be truthful.) The food had odd pairings (which I love and Paul...not so much) and not a lot was of interest to him. So as we sat there with our fries and herb mayo, I said, "I know this wasn't your pick. That the food here is weird to you, but I love it. Thank you for loving me anyways."  His response: 

"You are like the herb mayo. You can't just be mayo, you are unique and different. You are you. I don't love you anyways or in spite of being a little weird. I just love you. The you you are."

And that's what its about for me. It is the idea and belief behind the statement of I love you. Of belonging in spite of our darkness and weakness. This love and belonging that says,  "I don't love you in spite of your weird need for all furniture to be almost 100 years old. I don't love you in spite of the fact that we continue to have the same argument for the last 12 years, and it never gets any better. I know you have control issues, and eating issues, and anxiety and self esteem issues, and you hate being alone but crave it and and need it to be healthy. I know you are flawed and weird and over committed and have a strong need for approval. I know these things and I love you. 

You are my weird control freak."

And no, my husband didn't say all those words. More importantly though, I believe God does. 

This song and chorus is about relationship, not ownership. God has a deep stirring desire for that with me. For you. He doesn't need me to be fixed before he will take me out and let everyone know we are together. I can be his flawed and dark and snarky passionate speaker and writer on all things life and faith. I don't have to be fixed first. 

I can be his neurotic writer. I can be his selfish kid. The one who might never understand or get it. The one who doubts more than she believes. But I can belong with him.

The best part? That He belongs with me. That He is mine to claim and hold on to. To learn from, to trust.  To understand and to laugh with. He is mine to count on. To love. To yell at and question and walk through life wondering if I'm ever going to get it. He is mine to draw hope from. He is mine to learn patience from. I learn what it means to give and love from Him. He is my source of strength and understanding.

He is mine.

And I am His.

Belonging. Relationship. 

Not love because or anyway or in spite of.

Just love.

Because I am me and we belong together in relationship.

If you haven't heard the song, or want another listen, I support that. Here you go...