So I realize now, a little late I guess, that this entire year will be a year of firsts. Mostly what that means for my traditional heavy heart is that for each season and holiday, I need to mourn what was, and replace it with what is.

Things continue to catch me off guard.

For example, Candy canes. I love having candy canes in the house to give to guests when they come over. My kids loved them! I won't have them in the house anymore because it feels a little cruel.

My husband grew up eating cream puffs on the morning of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was fun to complain about how much work they were, but it also became our tradition.

Ginger bread houses. So fun to make and lick your fingers free of the icing that drizzles on your hands instead of staying on the house. Plus that candy that fell on the floor totally fall into the five second rule.

Christmas cookies, Christmas cookies, Christmas cookies. I know there are cookies we can eat, but there are special cookies that you grow up with, that when a cookie tray doesn't have them, you have a little void in your heart.

Then there are the Christmas cookie exchange parties. Why would I go and bring home a plate of cookies we can't eat?

We handled Halloween and for the first time, I didn't add five pounds to my healthy frame. I thought, we can do this. This is getting easier.

But the truth is, I have 32 years of history under my belt. I have 32 years of habits, patterns, traditions, expectations, and desires.

If I can acknowledge that each season will have a piece of mourning to it, I think it might be easier to handle. I need to allow myself the experience of letting it go so that I can embrace what it is now. And the truth is, the way it is now is SO much better for us.

Truth be told, almost none of the things listed above are good for you, and there are alternatives to almost each of them. But before I could just go to the store and buy whatever I needed. Now its a different story.

We have the opportunity to rewrite history. To create new habits and patterns and traditions, and hopefully the mourning will pass. And I will have less weight and guilt over food after these holidays which would be a first in forever!