Overwhelmed

You know what happens on vacation? You get to rest. Everything in life has the opportunity to stop or slow down and you can for the first time in a long…relax.

When your body relaxes and you have the time to slow down, you start to see your life for all that it is. It’s crazy schedule, projects, expectations, difficulties, etc. It all has a chance to sink in.

All my crazy is sinking in, and what I realized is how tired I am. I am over emotional and over tired. I am dry to the bones in patience, kindness, energy, and spiritual encouragement.

I’m tired.

I realize that people live lives that are far more difficult than mine. I don’t want to be a complainer nor do I look for sympathy. What I would like to communicate is honesty. My current reality feels overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed by current and distant friends generosity to my family.

I am overwhelmed by seeing the body of Christ as he has meant it to be, loving each other and those we don’t know well in their time of need.

I am overwhelmed by the hearts of my parents in the way they care for me and my children.

I am overwhelmed by the work, phone calls, receipts, tiles, shingles, paint colors we have to deal with to fix our house.

I am overwhelmed by the wonder and difference of my neighborhood every time I see it.

I am overwhelmed by the statement, “A tornado hit our house.”

I am overwhelmed by Gluten Free.

I am overwhelmed by Soy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Dairy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Sugar Free.

I am overwhelmed by High Fructose Corn Syrup Free.

I am overwhelmed by Artificial Food Coloring Free.

I am overwhelmed by Pork/White potato Free.

(They each get their own line because each comes with their own issues, and each is equally overwhelming, let alone all together.)

I am overwhelmed by being the “No mom”. No, you can’t eat that, No you can’t drink that, No we can’t eat there, No we can’t buy that, No mom can’t make you that. Etc.

I am overwhelmed by two boys who truly do love each other, yet can’t seem to get through a day without fighting every 10 minutes.

I am overwhelmed by a daughter who is stronger willed than my other two strong willed boys put together.

I am overwhelmed by our budget and money.

I am overwhelmed by the lack of attention my speaking business has received the last couple months.

I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts in my head that want to become blogs or books or talks.

I am overwhelmed with guilt that I haven’t taken any serious time to read scripture or pray for strength.

I am tired.

I admit to these things publicly not to receive sympathy or judgment (maybe you think I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed, and to that I say good for you, you are a stronger person than I am and don’t come to my house cause I’ll be angry with jealously for you). I say these things to be honest about where I am.

I used to be a person who thought I had it all together, or pretended enough to try to fool others and myself. Not anymore. This is my day of freedom. I am done trying to impress people. I am done trying to look or sound or act or fool myself into believing that I have this thing called life figured out.

I am having not just having a hard day, but a hard couple of months. This is my reality. In being honest about it, I don’t wish to be a complainer or not look for joy in my situation. Admitting it, frees me to be honest, and take down my false expectations. In being honest, I don’t have to waste time trying to impress anyone anymore. Now I can truly just be me, and try to find the light in every day even when I feel overwhelmed.

Today my daughter hugged me tight and giggled when she saw me. A light.

Today my son told me his life was better because I was in it. A light.

Today my parents kissed me goodnight and encouraged me to go to bed at 8pm and take the night for myself. A light.

Tonight I get to read a book for pleasure. A light.

Tonight I pray. A light.

one of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where you had all sorts of plans. You have ideas of what you want to do with your day, what you are going accomplish, how everything is supposed to happen?

I had a lot of plans for my day. None of them worked out.

Not one.

I'm pretty disappointed in myself today. Disappointed in how I spent my time, how I responded to the situations that happened, and even in how I ate. Ever notice that what you eat also directly effects how you feel and respond to life?

It was just one of those days. And the funny thing is, I spent more time in the word today than I have in a week.

I guess I can rest in the fact that God is faithful in his grace, and grants us new life and new days.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. Thank you Jesus for even our worst days, and that you are in those moments as well.

I was that girl today

My family and I have been in this year long process of getting government installed windows. If you live in the city and have children under the age of 5 living in a home built before 1970 you can qualify for new windows if yours have lead in them.

Guess what? Ours did!!!! And so we went to the day long class, we have filed over 35 pages of paperwork, faxed our taxes 4 times, and called more than 20 times.

One of the stipulations is that you, the homeowner, are responsible for scraping off all the lead infested paint around your house, cleaning it up and sealing it in under new paint. So, my parents came into town over Thanksgiving and my dad and my husband went out and scrapped and scrapped until the sun went down.

It was so great. The scrapping that is.

What wasn't so great? The fact that they scrapped it off and let it all fall to the ground. Paint fragments just sprinkling down, drifting and resting all over our yard. Well, there was snow at the time, so you couldn't see the paint.

Now the snow has melted, and now there are paint chips all over our yard. Big paint chips and small paint chips, scattered along the house, some in the grass, and most along the dirt in the back around the garage.

We have to repaint in the next couple weeks, and our new windows will be coming in August. We have to get a complete full inspection of being lead free before we get windows.

So what are my options? I can't rake, because I won't get all the pieces. I can't sweep, because frankly that would take forever and not sure its possible in the grass and dirt.

I put a call into my friend and borrowed his shop vac. Yup that's right, I was going to vacuum it up and rid ourselves of lead invested paint chips so that we could get free windows.

It was beautiful out today and my project was vacuuming. Vacuuming our yard.

There I was, my kids riding bikes and me bending over vacuuming our grass, dirt, flower beds and wood piles. I was totally that crazy lady who no one knows what they're doing and the method to the madness doesn't make sense.

Of course in my hours of crazy work, vacuuming our grass, three neighbors stopped by to talk. Why oh why do visitors seem to come when you least want them.

So there it is. I vacuumed my yard today. It felt as weird as it sounds.

How do you know?

You know what I'm struggling with right now? How do you know that the way you interpret scripture is correct? There are some that read the Bible literally and all that it says is exactly what it means. For others, there are bigger meanings and theologies and ideas behind it. The pieces represent a whole. Here is why I struggle. There are people in my life, people I respect. People I love. People I know who love the Lord. They also stand on very different ground regarding issues of faith and obedience. (Those issues in a nutshell to start with are love and obedience, the Sabbath, eating pork, those being on the path to heaven being drastically narrow, the second coming, the role of the body of Christ, law and gospel etc.) I am confident. Truly confident that both sides pray, research, read, struggle, ask questions, dig to find truth, and then they come up with different answers. Both sides confident their discovery is correct. Both confident that God has spoken truth to them, and yet their outcomes are different. Different to a point of altering how you approach, read and understand scripture and ultimately God himself. There is a war of words in my mind. I can hear all sides while I read the Bible myself, and then when I pray through it and strive to hear only the one voice that matters, there is a slightly different answer. How can we all be coming up with different answers? And where can I find my confidence in understanding faith enough to teach it to my children? This is I feel paralyzed. When I living out my faith, I want to be confident in what I believe. I want to teach it to my children, as I know it shapes their lives. I don't want to be filled with the words of a false prophet or teacher. I want to live in truth. Yet when I see others that I know also want to live in truth, truly want to live in truth and actively seek it, then their conclusions are different, I am left very confused. Lord, tonight I ask that you would grant peace in this process of discovering you and all the truths that you have hidden in your word for us. Reveal yourself to me, and give me the courage to hear your voice and fight to find your truth.

band auditions

My beautiful friend Lindsey Burken is my music muse or musical sugar mama so to speak. Because of her, I have discovered great new music and bands. She takes me to fun concerts or makes me entertaining mixed CD's. I love how she feeds this great love of mine. Tonight she took me to a concert at the Varsity in Mpls. What I was reminded of was how much music fills me. It makes me feel alive. I feel full of energy and fun. I come away feeling refreshed and renewed. I love music. My secret dream was always to be in a band. I would be good in a band I think. I mean, I wouldn't really be there for talent, unless you like the rawness and real voice vs. a trained and skilled and talented voice. I would be there for stage presence. I could rock the front girl routine. I can belt it out, I can dance, a bit, but I can absolutely dress the part and play the part. I would make a great front girl, I think. I want to be in a band. Anyone auditioning? I don't really write music. I don't play an instrument. I'm not really into heavy metal screaming music. (I'm not angry enough for that) And I don't have a lot of free time for practice. But I could totally be your bands front person personality. If you're interested, let me know. I could rock it, I think.

Time for life

For six weeks my family ventured into a whirlwind of activities, travel, business and vacation time. With all of our adventure we made it a point that when at home, we were strictly at home. Spending time the kids, maintaining a glimpse of life, doing dates with my hubby, family activities. Even with all of our good intentions, the aftermath has been a storm that seems to have sunken us. I haven't written much in the last few weeks because I have been struggling so much. I am pretty sure my mom thinks I need to be medicated. I have cried on the phone almost every day with her trying to make sense of our life, figure out our finances, take care of our house, remove myself from my kids behavior and at the same time figure out how to love them and discipline, and encourage and correct them. I am tired. I am so tired. When we came home from our last leg of our six weeks adventure, I really had quite the pile of bills and life items that needed my attention. My husband and I also agreed that we need to make a stronger effort to be people who are honorable with the money we are given. We are tackling that issue amongst all the others. I couldn't find our house under all the suitcases, winter gear, laundry, to do piles, dishes, and dust. I felt overwhelmed so I ate. I ate whatever I wanted to make myself feel better, and in the end my pants are tight again. I never feel good when I eat for no reason and then am too exhausted to work out. I can't blame my weight on my baby, because I lost it all already. I purely just put it back on. I eat when I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and so that has added to my sinking feeling. So I dove right in. I have clip boards and folders organizing our life. I have cleaned all the winter gear, washed floors, dusted, switched out clothes, did a bunch of those five minutes projects that take two years to do, my house is cleaner that has been in a year. It sounds impressive, but in the midst of that, I have forgotten to spend good intentional time with my kids. They have been struggling with anger, fighting, selfishness, whining, complaining, disobedience, tempers, testing boundaries. You name it, we are dealing it with right now. So my energies have gone to trying to find our life. Doing our life better. Teaching, correcting our children and trying to love them when I don't like them very much right now. I have gone so far as to question if my traveling is worth it. If this is what happens, than it can't be worth it for my kids to get the worst of me and watch them struggle this much. Then my husband and I had our weekly meeting on Sunday night. We prayed together, and I was again reminded of the power of prayer, especially with your partner and spouse. I cried a lot. I confessed a lot of my insecurity as a parent and a spouse. I continued on my own later that night and the next morning. I was reminded of God's grace for us. I was reminded that his mercies are new everyday. I was reminded to let go of my guilt and trust that God can heal me and my kids. I also realized that its not as black and white as leaving my job for my kids. It does however deal with my response to it. When returning home, I can remind myself earlier to spend quality time with my kids. To give them the attention they don't need to act out to get. I can take intentional time with the Lord in the mornings to prepare for the day of struggles. I might yell a little less. It might not change my kids behavior, but it will change how I treat them and either build them up or tear them down and destroy their faith in me. In seeing what has failed this time, I can learn and do better next time. I haven't written much because I haven't felt like I have had anything to offer. I felt so empty and I basically just didn't want to complain. Life has felt overwhelming and I get that it happens. I don't want to hide that, but I was struggling to find good things in my days, even though they were there. But the other thing I realized as I started to bring people back into my life, is that sharing life with people is also what its about. Sharing our hearts, joys and struggles is where love and life and God is. So, I will be blogging more again. I can't promise that they will have insight or strength or a purpose, but I want to share life with you. To bring love, life, and God into all the pieces of who we are.