Finding my truth

He is not my knight and shining armor. 

He is not my prince charming.

He is not even my best friend.

He's not hearts and flowers and rainbows.

He's not my captor or my savior. 

He is not my everything. 

He isn't candy hearts and sweet nothings in my ear. 

He is most definetly not my yes husband.

He isn't my better half or a fix to any daddy issues I might have. 

But he is... my truth.

When I was a young woman trying to find who I was, he could see me. I mean honestly, truly see me. The hidden pieces, the secrets, the madness in my mind. He could see who I was pretending to be and who I was hiding. He could see me struggling to be what everyone else wanted while loosing myself in the process. 

He could see me before I knew me.

And he loved me. 

He looked at me and spoke softly, "I see who you are and who you could be. I love all of you. I love the light and the dark in you. If you never change, I will continue to love you. Either way, I am in."

I am starting to think I might feel lost my whole life. Looking and searching and rediscovering and redefining myself. I often feel adrift and wandering. I wonder if I will ever find my center, or peace in the process. My dreams shift and change and my passions are vast and wide. I carry the same struggles, never really letting go, always dragging my baggage a little behind me. I also live as a kid in a candy store, wanting all the things, loving all the things, wanting to try all the things. All the dreams, all the projects, all the ideas, all the music, all the art, all the books. It is impossibly hard to live with me.

He is the truth who keeps me grounded. He is the truth that speaks into my madness when I have lost my way. He is the truth that calls bull crap when I start to pretend to gain acceptance again. When I throw excuses at him, or try to lie, he calls me out and brings me back.

When I am lost or confused or stuck in unhealthy patterns, he is my true north.

He sees my brokenness and says, I love you.

He is in the thick of it with me when my weaknesses take the strength out of our life and says, I still have patience.

When I have given up on myself, he says, I'm not done believing in you.

When I pull the blanket over my head and want to stay in bed all day, he climbs in and says, I feel it too, but we are at least in this together.

We don't see each other as the polished and fancy versions that can be captured in photos and tag lines. We aren't sugar and spice and everything is perfect and nice people. We're kind of gritty, dirty, sarcastic, reality folks. The kind that can own our vast disfunction and say, Hey, we're doing the best we can.

Our version of romance looks like having the perfect way to snuggle on the couch so we can be touching from head to toe, but he can still reach his scotch on the table.

It looks like him scratching my back every night because he knows, HE KNOWS me and how it relaxes me and is my favorite thing at the end of the day. 

It looks like him showing up every night to his family because he chooses us again every day.

It looks like each of us having "going out time with friends", because we both understand that we can't be everything to each other. We still need our tribe of individual and independent friendships. 

Romance for us looks like hard truths, commitment, and even when we are excruciatingly annoyed with each other, which we can be often, it still says, "I don't like you right now, but I still choose you."

That is my truth.

He is my partner. He is my champion. He is my biggest advocate. He is my wise council. He is my listening ear. He is the one I have vowed to create a life with. To be together and create family together. He is the one I come home to, no matter where I have been. No matter how long I have been gone, he is my home.

He also doesn't understand all of me, but accepts me all the same. He knows on a very real level that I will always live in a bit of madness. That my issues at this point might never be overcome.

And yet... And yet... he stays. He loves. He gives me truth. He gives me home. He gives me space to be me and wrestle with myself. He doesn't give up. 

We have this intense partnership that involves honest conversations, hard truths, accountability and lots of passion. We love big and we fight big. We don't agree on much and have very different opinions about things. Our marriage is a meeting of two driven, powerfully spirited people with lots of thoughts, deep emotions, and a million ideas. This was never a "you complete me" kind of thing. It's more a "Wow I think you are incredible and I would like to know you and love you for the entirety of my life" kind of thing. A choice to stay and build on the life and love we had when we started out.

We are what I like to call "full folks". We are full of it. All of it. All the time. Drive. Passion. Commitment. Ideas. Love. Anger. Wonder. Fear. Regret. Hope. We got it all. 

Both of us. It's a very full relationship over here.

Much of our life feels steeped in a battle. We fight for peace in our neighborhood. We fight for open communication and healthy relationships with our children. We fight for our marriage. We battle for contentment while pushing hard towards dreams. We battle to find truth in politics, art, religion and culture. We battle to be true to ourselves and to each other. 

Which is why him being my true north, my steadfast one, is the best version of  romance I can come by.

So to my sweet and opinionated and passionate husband, I love you. Thank you for choosing me. Every. Day.

Happy 14th Anniversary. 

The need for protection

We dream of having someone to protect us.  To have that one person in your life who loves you more than anything.  The person who will see the darkness and the life in you at the same time and say, "You are worth it.  Everyday I choose you.  I love you.  I want you.  I will never leave you."  Flowing from those beautiful poetic words, usually comes a promise to "have and to hold, to protect and cherish".  I believe it doesn't matter who you are, we all desire to be chosen by someone.

We then take it one step further in our confession for the desire to be protected. Protection from harm is where our childhood fantasy plays out with the Knight and shining armor.   To have a protector that will battle any and all dark forces so that not one hair on our head is touched.  That we would be so cherished by the love of our life, that they would risk their own life for ours.  It is sacrificial love at its best.  I do not believe this childhood dream is for girls alone.  I have witnessed and experienced boys who have turned into men that long for a protector as well.  Maybe not physically, but, what of our hearts?  The dreams and the spirit that makes us unique?  What about our gift that each one of us offers humanity?  Will the love of our life help us protect those very intimate and personal aspects of ourselves? 

It is a disservice not only to our hearts, but also our relationships when we leave the act protecting to its over simplified  physical limit.  Are not our hearts and dreams and wounds worthy of protection and attention?  Deep inside each of us is lies the scars where we have been wounded and were not protected.  The dreams we hold that we are afraid to share because at some point in our history, someone attacked our idea and we were left wounded and bleeding, promising to never expose those parts of our heart again.  When we are left without a protector, we don't dare to believe that we can be vulnerable or lovable or that we are worthy.

This past weekend I found myself walking the beach on the coast of Connecticut participating in the NE District Youth Gathering.  I was there pursuing my dream of speaking truth and life and love to the hearts of students across the country.  I left my husband and three kids home.  After working 50 hours that week, my husband would then have to manage our three kids, our home, the grocery shopping, our broken car, homework, baths, all the meals for three diet restricted kids, laundry, fights, silly games, screen time, church, and in the end make sure everyone was ready for school Monday morning, because I wouldn't be home till midnight Sunday.  

He called me Saturday, and I was expecting a full break down of frustration because everyone was tired and falling apart.  Instead, I got encouragement and his genuine excitement for me doing what we both believe I have been called to do.  He asked me to make sure I enjoyed my time.  He reminded me to protect my sleep so I could soak up all the blessings that God was pouring on me.   He said that when I got home, life would resume to schedules and homework and we would back to the daily grind.  He wanted to make sure that I rested, enjoyed, and sought God in my weekend.  To enjoy the students and the blessings they are.  Mostly he called to tell me he was so  happy I was living out my dream. 

Protection poured out from him.   His words of protection poured over the lies that I had believed that I wasn't good enough for this job I longed for.  Protection over my heart and the ability to live into a dream.  A gentle reminder to protect my boundaries so that I could remain healthy.  

Protection wasn't a word that I thought much on when looking for my life partner.  It has however become a characteristic that I believe needs more of our attention. 

Our immediate reaction to this would be,  

1. If we are single, we would start looking for a protector

or.. 

2. If we are in a relationship, make our partner read this to speak these words of what we desire from them

I would challenge that neither of these is my goal for writing this post.  What I have learned and gained from life so far is that if we see what the world is lacking, then we should make the change first in ourselves.  Michael Jackson said it when he sang, Man in the mirror; its where the change starts. 

Whoever you are and in whatever relationships we have, spouses, partners, friends, children,  parents, bosses, co-workers; we have the ability to protect those around us.   To protect those things that people are scared to share.  That when someone dares to expose part of their heart and dreams, that we would rush to protect instead of tear down.  That we could be their champion encouraging and uplifting and protecting along the way.

To help protect their dream by encouraging them. 

To help protect their lives against abuse.

To help protect someone in their healing in AA. 

To help protect a friends heart against shame and guilt.

To help a friend live into their dream of loosing weight to be healthy. 

To be present in the lives of the people around protecting their time. 

To show love in deep ways that will protect wounds we don't even see. 

If we choose to live into that challenge, then I say, we shouldn't and can't stop there. When I think of protection, I think of so many women and children who can't protect themselves.  Women and children who have names and faces and fears and wounds that we don't understand.  Women around the world, children lost in the cities.  Where is their protector?   Do they even believe protectors exist?

Is it possible?  Could we dare to believe that we could, even without knowing them, be apart of their protection?  That if these women and children see that someone cares enough to protect them, then someone would care enough to love them?  That would mean they were worthy.  Worthy enough for love.  Worthy enough for life.  Worthy enough for new beginnings. 

Protection goes beyond our false ideal of a Knight and Shining Armor.  It is so, so much more. 

There are many different organizations that are serving God and humanity by the work they do in protecting those who need protection.  Here are just a very SMALL few to get you started if you don't know where to look.

www.haitimissionproject.com 

www.eyesthatsee.com 

www.compassion.com

www.healinghaiti.org

Be blessed friends, and I am excited to see how protection starts living out in your lives. 

When you are weary of the battle

I don't know about you, but I grow weary and tired of how hard it is to fight for what you want in life.  To battle all the things that threaten to take away your values and priorities and hope.

Everything the last few days has grated on my emotions.  Feelings that felt raw and ready to explode for reasons I couldn't figure out.

I knew I was tired.

I knew I felt worn down.

I knew I felt like I wanted to give up, sit on my couch, eat ice cream and pop corn and drink wine and iced coffee.  Snuggle under a blanket and just read a silly book or watch TV all day.

I was tired of battling the kids, myself, our neighborhood, our budget, my time, the book...well everything, and I craved relief.

I wanted relief from all the intentionality that we try to live in.

I wanted a break from all the rules and guidelines.

When talking with Paul this afternoon about why, "Why are we so easily frustrated and cranky, and so ready to give up?"  We realized it was because we are always fighting.

We are fighting for our kids faith in God.  We battle to find the time to invest in devotions, conversations, intentional time dedicated to exploring faith and what it means to believe in God in their world today.

We are fighting for our marriage.  We work hard on finding time to be together, trying to use communication that builds us up instead of tearing us down.  We evaluate all the time, what do you need to be OK?  How can I support you?  How can I love you during this hard time?  We are working hard on putting the needs of our spouse before our own.  To see the love of your life through the eyes of Christ.  To keep the spark alive.  To turn young love into something deep and rich and powerful that still contains magic and spark.

We are fighting for our safety.  How can we live in a place of trusting God to be enough and not living in fear, while still being safe in the choices we make?  Not making judgements on the kids walking around our neighborhood.  Not assuming that every person sitting in their car is there waiting on trouble, or that every person who knocks on our door is wanting to break in when we leave.  Our families safety is always, constantly present first and foremost in our mind.  We are always prepped for battle when it comes to our safety.

We are fighting for our money.  Money has a way of just disappearing and we are fighting to keep ours.  We are always aware of what we are spending, and fighting to keep money in our pocket so that we can be free from debt.

We are fighting for our own dream and for the dreams of our spouse.  Paul and I are both filled with ambition and determination and our greatest desire is to fulfill God's desire for our life.   It's hard in the mundane, every day chores and hurdles to fight for something bigger.  Something grand.  Something special that lives in your heart.  You have everyday choices that you have to weigh against the grand scheme of things.  This is one of the hardest things to fight for everyday.

When we intentionally live out our lives, it means we have evaluated and prayed and come to a set of standards of how we live our life.  How do we spend our time, our money, our resources?  Do these things hold up to the priorities and values that we live by?

But that also means that we just don't live carelessly anymore.   Everything we do at that point means something.

Most often however, if you have taken the time to evaluate your life and have decided to live by certain standards, those standards will grate against the lifestyles around you.  When that happens, what do you  do?

We have a choice to give up on our standards and value of living, or we fight.

We try to have a family meeting every week so that we can take stock of our resources and time and money as we evaluate all the options that we face every week that want our time, our money and our energy.

And so we choose to fight.

But you can't fight every moment of every day.  Some days, when the battle becomes too much and it tears down your spirit, you need to take a break.  You need to sit and pray and release control back to the creator who loves you.  You need to remember that God is still God and we are just one person in one moment in time.

And so we surrendered.  Not to our ideals and priorities, but to the God in charge of those ideals and priorities.  And in that surrender, it gives us strength to keep fighting.