Creating Space

The spaces in which we live matter.

The details, they matter.  

In your home, in your office, the coffee shop or boutique, the market or cafe, we are drawn to places and spaces that evoke feelings within us.  Feelings of comfort or joy, feelings that remind us of favorite vacations and stolen moments.  I think we love being inspired by space that demands we feel something. 

For when we feel, we are reminded that yes we are still alive.

I long to create space where those who choose to enter immediately feel at ease.  That all who enter our space understand that they are welcome.  More than just welcome, they are wanted. I desire that the space in which we inhabit would be full of light and life and color and comfort.  We intentionally create that space by the art we hang on the walls, the family heirlooms we have scattered about, but especially we create that space by the joy, love, and acceptance we speak into our space everyday.

(Expect on those hard days, or those dangerous moments even on the good days where we yell, or loose our cool, or say something we regret.  We live speaking forgiveness into those moments to hopefully create a forgiving space.)

I have come to understand the importance of what it means to create space.  More than understand it's importance, I have found how we need to be a people who create spaces that are full of love and acceptance.  That in order to work against the hate and anger that can so  easily penetrate our lives, we need to turn our homes and work spaces and hearts and families into spaces that are full of all the good the world needs.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."

The single act of breathing and being alive already demands that we change the world in which we live.  Just by being alive, we have changed the world as it was.  We do this by choice, or we simply exist, not ever fully understanding the power we hold just by being alive.  Whether we understand it or not, we effect the spaces in which we live.  The beauty and light inside of us effects our surroundings.  As does the anger and hurt that we carry.

And so we have a choice.

We either live into the darkness, thus emulating more darkness into the space and lives of those around  us,

or...

we live into the beauty and light.

This too changes the spaces and lives around us.

I love to create space.  Space where people want to gather and talk for hours.  Not just the conversations that allow you the highlights of one's life, but the deep, soul unearthing talks that require sharing feelings and hidden thoughts, and are usually accompanied by glasses of wine while tucked under a blanket sharing a couch.  I desire music always playing filling in the silences and creating comfort and words for those who can't find theirs.  I desire space that is filled with art and color and comfort.  I desire space that is filled with people from all walks of life that feel safe to be themselves.  

A space where all feel welcomed and leave feeling inspired. 

It is easy to think of space in regards to styles of decor, but it goes so much deeper than that.  It is the intentionally of how the space we create effects the lives of those around us, including ourselves.  The space we create also transcends the physical space in which we live in, but includes the soul and spirits of those in the space.

I can't do a lot to change the course the history.  I can however, head the words of Emerson and bring the beauty inside of me wherever I go, adding to the joy and love and comfort of the space in which I occupy.  And in turn, it is my deep and solemn prayer that what beauty lives in me would inspire those around me.  Then together we could push against the darkness, slowly changing the world one life and space and moment at a time.

Katrina from Studio Laguna captured my first book launch  party in which I understood fully for the first time the importance of creating space and was able to use those words to describe how I was feeling.  It was a magical night, check it out.

The tricky business of Reentry

It's hard to come home.

When I go away for work (I travel the country sharing from stage as an inspirational speaker), I get to travel by myself, becoming completely inconspicuous in every airport and train station across the country.  No one knows me, and I am responsible for no one. There is a beautiful freedom that feels lighter than holding your favorite balloon.  I transcend all identities, all obligations, all responsibilities.  I can be no one and anyone all at the same time.

After this precious moment out of time, I get to transcend back into a new reality for a few short days.  The reality where I have been hired to come and share inspiration in faith and identity.  I make relationships with new friends, sleep in hotels or camps and have all my meals made for me.  I get to be a breath of fresh air to people.  Someone different from their regular life.  I also have no real responsibility and no stress, so I get to be energized, full of life, free.  I get to be me, but like the best of the best version of me.

It's awesome, and truly the best job EVER.

When I have those days apart from regular life, I have the opportunity to tap into creative juices more intensely than I do at home, because I don't get interrupted.  I don't have children or phone calls needing my attention every 10min.  I have the time to allow my ideas and thoughts to come full circle and develop into something tangible.  I love this time away to dream and scheme and create.

But then it always happens.

After I just start to scratch the surface, writing, discussing, and planning, then the weekend is over and it's time to come home.

Don't get me wrong... I LOVE coming home.  I really do.  This past weekend I got a message from my husband that said, "Our daughter is sitting on the floor in an evening gown playing the electric guitar singing 'Everything is Awesome' from the lego movie, while our oldest is hip hop dancing to her music.  Our middle is working on his 14th masterpiece artwork project of the day.  We can't wait to have you home."

Now even though this scene is true, here are the other truths.

For every one of those moments stated above, there are 12 more of my children bickering, not talking nice, air punching, not listening, or complaining about their chores (of which they have very few!).  I am a manager of five people's emotions and it is draining.  Yes we have dance parties and cook together, but we also argue and get on each other's nerves.

So coming home for me is like shifting from 5th gear to 2nd gear in a matter of a moment.

It's jarring.

My mind is set.  I am ready to work.

My heart is inspired.  I am ready to write.

My family misses me.  They are ready to snuggle.

My husband is tired.  He is ready for me to step in.

My children are complaining.  I am needed for an intervention.

My laundry pile is crazy high.  I have to dedicate at least some hours to that chore.

The seven meals I made before I left are gone.  I put the pen down and cook.

My heart and time are now divided.  I can't jump feet first to the dozens of amazing projects going on in my mind.  I can't use the momentum I had from my time away.  I need to reconnect.  Reinvest.  I also know that I want and my children need me to spend time with them.  Being with them is truly one of my greatest joys on earth (When they aren't being totally stupid for no good reason.  Then its a little tough because no one is having fun at that point).  I love being with them, planning projects for them, investing in them and just doing life together.  They are my greatest purpose in life.

The hard part for me isn't "Will the house be clean or messy?"  

or

"Will the kids have done their homework and be ready for school?"

My standard for my husband is that they are alive.  Everything else I can deal with.

Sometimes I come home and the house is beautifully clean with kids tucked into bed.

Sometimes I come home to Paul standing in the middle of a disaster as he looks at me with completely tired eyes that say, "I tried".  And man I know how that goes.

The struggle for me is how much my heart comes alive in my job but also with my family.

It is tricky to have two great loves in your life, each craving and demanding time and attention. Each love wanting to be in the center of your mind taking up space.

So, this week, after having an AMAZING trip in Chicago and Ohio, I was jarred back to life.  I didn't reenter as smoothly as I wanted.  I spent a day reading silly books and hating the amount of hours I used on laundry and dishes, things that will need to get done, once again tomorrow which truthfully make them seem incredibly pointless.

But I took my day sulking and managing my kids arguments, and decided I didn't have to respond that way.  I can still take my two great passions and live them day at a time.  

One step at a time.

Sometimes, one hour at a time.

Did I love someone today?

Did I honor God today?

Did I make one small step towards seeing my dream come true?

If the answer is yes, then it was a good day.

If the answer is yes, than there was richness to my day.

That is all I can ask for.

And hopefully reentry will get easier.

Maybe.

Behind the scenes

Paul and I have been talking a lot about our family values and what are our priorities are.  We have needs as a family as a couple and as individuals and we want to maximize the richness of those relationships.

As we talk about the kind of family we want to create, time together is at the top of our list.  Time to talk, to play, to teach, to encourage.  We want to pass on our living and active faith to our children.  We want them to see by our actions and how we spend our time that they and the Lord are important to our family's foundation.  You need time to create that understanding.

So one of the first things we did was evaluate our time and careers.  How can we maximize our work effort with increasing our family time?  We are both very aware of how quickly our children are growing up, and neither one of us wants to miss it.  These next 10-12 years are going to fly by and we have agreed that we want to be as present and wholeheartedly there for our children as possible.

The only way though to decrease Paul's work load is to increase mine.  I have been a stay at home for the last six years and it is both of our intentions to keep it that way, even with the children in school.  I do however have a passion and small career in traveling every couple months to go speak at conferences and retreats.  It's perfect because it keeps me at home, but allows me a weekend away every once in awhile.  Well, to increase my job means to get more gigs and travel more.  That, however goes against our priority and value of family.

So...what to do.

After taking much prayer time and vision planning, I came up with a plan.  If I am going to speak, than I would prefer it to be while Paul is at work and the kids are at school.  This means local gigs in schools, churches and mom groups.  These are usually simple and no more than 30 min.  They would take up limited time and if my goal was to do one a week, that would increase my work load by 100%.  So the goal is twice a month to start out.  I even hired a gal to help me with the booking so that my time would still be free to write and develop the quality of talks I want to deliver.  This and spend time doing my family responsibilities.

Doing local gigs while not taking away family time is step one.

The other piece is that while I love to travel and will continue to do it on a limited basis, I do want my ministry to extend past the Twin Cities.  This is where the book comes in.  The book is a beautiful way to get my heart on paper and put into the hands of people who need it.  It is the beginning step.  I like to write but really wasn't sure I was capable of a book.  Now I have ideas for the next three I want to write.  Ha, crazy right?  There is also dreams of some other great ideas that keep me at home, but put my ministry out there for others.

I felt like things were coming together.  I was excited about the way I could continue to do my ministry, while really not taking time away from the kids.  It means I manage my time a bit more, and right now its all still a theory, because nothing has changed, but it gives me a goal and vision.

It also allowed me to own my ministry and take responsibility for it.  For the last few years I just kind of let it happen.  If people call me, I take a gig.  I have a website, but its my transitional website till I took the time to develop it.  I didn't seek out gigs.  I didn't know how to talk about my ministry because it was always an after thought.

Then Paul challenged me to step up to the plate.  He is my biggest supporter and was sad to see me not developing my heart for sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ.

So in order to branch out and get new gigs, I need the marketing materials and the language to talk about who I am.  The last few months have been quite the identity crisis.  Much of my ministry has been me praying about who I am on stage, what is it that I want to say to people and how do present myself to potential clients and my audience?  It's been hard long hours of research, journaling, and discovery.

So I had a meeting with Guy from Vision Van Gogh, who specializes in helping artists develop who they are. He met with me and we talked about the importance of the professionalism of your website and press kit.  It is the first thing people see about you.  It is how they determine if you are capable to be hired by them.  What do I want them to know about me?  And a lot of that is based on photo's.  A website is built around photo's as well as your press kit.

So now I sat with all this information.  I now understood that I need great photo's that will allow people to connect with me, create professional materials that will allow me to get new gigs with new clients locally while my kids are in school, to help make that little bit of extra money for our family, to keep Paul from working three jobs, so we can all spend more time together building a family based on faith and trust and love.

If we connect the dots, the first step is pictures.

I have a really hard time designing a website for myself.  I understand that people need to see me on my website so they know a little about me and it creates a connection. Connection is the base of what I do. But I don't want a website that just has photo's of me.  I think it's weird.  So I need a photo where I am a part of a picture, and the picture communicates to you, who I am, but it's not me all over the place.

One photo that tells you who I am.  That doesn't sound hard?  Ha!

It took me a couple months looking through band photo's, actor's photo's, singers, performers, it didn't matter.  I was researching websites and head shots and press kits, all trying to see what others were doing to find my own way.  I couldn't find a location that I liked, or an idea for a photo that felt like me.

And what I realized is that I don't want a website that is just for my speaking.  I want a place where my blog can fit, where people can find out about the book, where I can start an Etsy account for the art I make.  So now, my website is not just for my speaking career, but its also for me.  All the ideas for locations for a photo shoot seemed like they were only a part of me.  I didn't want a city landscape because even though we live in the city, it is only a part of us.  I didn't want a family photo, because even though they are the biggest thing in my life, I am someone outside of them.  I didn't want to be out in a barn or country scape or railroad crossing, or brick wall.  All those things didn't feel right.

So I came up with something that felt natural, real, comforting.  I want to create an inviting and creative space.  I wanted a nook of trees that had elements of our home in them.  I love the unexpected, and little surprises.  So I brought our antique rug outside under the trees to create warmth.  I love details that add a little flair of fun and drama, and so I draped the trees in all my scarves tied together and spent time cutting my old crafting paper and stapling them into rings.  I didn't need Christmas lights because we did the shoot in the evening when the sun is low and magical and adds the effect that was perfect.  So if I was going to spend time out in the wood, I want this magical little reading corner.  Since it doesn't exist, I created it myself.

But then what to wear?

Again, if this is a place that I wished existed, then I would be wearing what I wanted.  Since I can't find it anywhere, I decided to make a very natural makeshift skirt that resembles the drama of a time piece skirt with my kind of twist.  One that is homespun and tacked together full of different textures and fabrics.  There are flowers hidden in the skirt and fabrics only I could see.  I love adding those little surprises.  The color scheme fits me.  I sewed on a little star on my plain old tank top to tie it in to the skirt.

Every little detail was thought through and intentional.  Every little thing was planned there for a purpose.  I even had a little fairy tucked into my old wooden book box.

So, here is the result of my photo shoot.  The photo shoot that was needed to start creating marketing pieces for my ministry to help my husband and family so that we could spend more time together.

See in my world, everything has a purpose and serves our goal.

Everything comes back to my faith, my family and growing our children into strong men and women of God.

Even this.

* A business side note: I used Katrina with Studio Laguna Photography and Brett Dorrian for hair and makeup to make sure I got the dream I wanted.  My vision could only go so far and I would only trust this idea to these two women.  They took my idea and Brett turned my face and hair into a work of art that was perfect for this shoot.  Katrina used her very honed talent and captured exactly what I wanted.  She has this beautiful eye and helped me by finding the dream in my head and making it a reality by capturing it with her camera.  She helped guide me and pose me so that everything was perfect.  I knew I could trust these ladies, I just didn't realize how dramatic and beautiful their art was when it was all said and done.  I love working with these ladies, and I would suggest using them for any of your family or wedding or business needs.

New Head shots from Studio Laguna

I am blogging light today after yesterdays heavy unpacking.  So...

I got new head shots today!

As a professional speaker and soon to be published author (I hope!) I need photo's for people to use in their publications and promotional materials.  I have had shots taken here and there, but never the soul focus on getting the head shot.  I thought it was time and they need updated.

I am putting together a new website and my photo shoot for the cover of that is next week.  It's probably going to be a bit over the top, and so I wanted something simple, and down to earth for my head shot.

What I would like to stress is I have never worked with anyone as amazing as Katrina Hannemann from

Studio Laguna

.  Her and her husband Jon are without any sugar added, the BEST to work with.  Katrina is so personable and friendly.  When you meet with her, you feel as if you have been friends forever.  She is kind and witty and so creative.  She has this extensive knowledge of putting together shots with people and props in locations that are perfect for them.  It is such a joy to work with her.

As seen below, she has the ability to bring beauty out in everything.  We laughed a lot in our brief photo shoot.  We talked and shared pieces of life together.  She is so professional, and yet it didn't feel like work.

If ever you are in need of a photographer, I wouldn't go to anyone else, and she does travel.  She has been taking our family photo's for years and does one mean wedding shoot.

Anyway, today I got some work done, if you can call it that.

And my one take away from this photo shoot?  My hair is crazy out of control.  Seriously.  And yet I still don't want to cut it.

And yes this is a sweater and pants in June.  Welcome to the spring that never came to MN.

And then she just kept shooting while we were sharing a laugh in an "off camera" moment.

Katrina, thank you for giving me something so beautiful and something to be so proud of.  Thank you for your eye and your direction and your amazing talent.  I just think you are simply wonderful and you are my girl for life.

The art of Collaboration

Some day I am going to craft a talk around collaboration.

There is something profound about working with someone and working to create something completely new out of who you are and who they are.  It isn't compromise where you each give up something to find a peaceful way.  Collaboration is about two people, giving 100% of who they are, doing the hard work of communicating to discover where their two thoughts and ideas come together to forge a new language.  That language for Henry and I is our speaking and writing together.  For others it can be music, spoken word, body art, dancing, gardening, cooking, community living, photography, leading an organization, it doesn't matter.

Collaboration is different than compromise.

What Henry and I strive to do in our work is absolute collaboration.  It is what I love and hate about our work.

(If you are new to my little world in blogsphere, then I should tell you that I am a stay at home mom who travels the country very part time as an inspirational speaker and am currently working on my first book with my speaking partner, Pastor Henry Graf.  Henry and I have been friends for a long time, and as two seasoned speakers, we wondered what having a conversational type presentation would look like from the stage.  This gives the audience a more authentic and personal interaction with the speakers and topic of discussion.  We have spoken together for years, and are currently trying our hand at moving what we do on stage, to the written word.  To say the very least, we are in a very steep learning curve.)

When we started working together, Henry and I were both professional speakers.  We were comfortable on stage and speaking in public.  We spent time crafting our work to be dynamic presenters.  Coming from a place of always taking the stage alone, it was so refreshing to share the responsibility with someone else.  Someone I trusted to fill in the blanks where I missed my mark, or read the audience and take our conversation where it needed to go to reach them where they were at.  I was no longer alone, and it felt very cool.

There was this really beautiful dynamic shift as well.  When I take the stage alone, I can get really intense and loud and passionate and sometimes emotional.  It's just kind of what I do.  Sometimes it involves yelling.  However, when you are sitting on stage with someone else, that doesn't tend to happen.  We are talking, discussing, laughing, searching scripture together.  It's very different, but very cool.

It felt like to me that I had found the perfect partner in this journey.  We balance each other out because we are so different.  Yes one is a man and one is a woman.  One is a Pastor and one struggles with the institution of the church.  But really, it reaches into the way we do life, not what we represent.  Henry is very analytical and intellectual, and those are not words I would use to describe myself.  He teaches, and I tell stories.  He thinks, I feel.  He moves fast, I am think before I act.  And even though we are both intense, somehow we are intense in very different ways, and I don't know how to describe that.  We bring such different things to the table for discussion, approach scripture from very different places and come away with very different ideas of what it means.  It makes for great conversation.

So imagine my surprise when just months ago, I realized that Henry and I weren't collaborating at all, but I was letting him take the lead and backing out of my responsibility to my own place in our partnership.

It was hard for me to figure this out until Henry and I spoke together three months ago.  We took the stage on Friday night at the conference kick off.  I experienced being on stage with Henry and he wasn't in his usual "loud/big self".  He felt more responsive than usual instead of charging the way.  When we debriefed our talk, he simply said, "you were the big personality tonight, so I backed off.  You usually aren't that dynamic."

Huh.  I didn't ever really think that I backed off and tampered my personality with him.  We chatted a bit more through that and continued on with our weekend.

Then, the book happened.  The book started off as a T-shirt idea that for the life of us, we couldn't agree on.    Then Henry had a brilliant idea that worked for us both.

Parables.  Earthly stories with Heavenly meaning.

We discussed the concept of the book, "telling stories, but more than stories, finding heavenly meaning in our everyday experiences, etc."  I loved it.  I thought it was a perfect first book for us.  It penned out on paper what we do on stage.  But the more we unpacked the book and gave a structure to it, the more confusing it got for me.  The harder and more complicated it became.

Henry would pen a thesis, a promotional email, a chapter outline.  He was working at lightening speed and it was hard to keep up.  I would read it, tweak it, process it, edit it, and send it back.

And something always felt just a little bit off.  I was still a part of the process.  My opinion mattered, but somehow, I was just responding, not speaking up.

And then I was standing in my kitchen, just getting off the phone with Henry, and I saw the red flags.  I saw myself shrinking back in my insecurities.  I was allowing my respect and admiration for Henry to shrink me.  When I elevated him, I became less.  I gave him the power and authority in the relationship instead of being in a partnership.  I let my old demons speak into my ear.  Lies that said my voice wasn't as significant as Henry's.  That storytelling was silly compared to teaching deep theological ideas.

I realized I wasn't owning my part in our partnership  I wasn't taking responsibility for my thoughts, my ideas, my voice and opinion.  I got steamrolled.  Henry wasn't doing this to me, I just let it take over.

What I realized was sometimes when we think we have overcome a weakness, a sin, it only reappears when pushed from a new angle.

I have worked alone for seven years, and now having a partner in this, this was a new angle for me.  And so my weakness and insecurities came flooding out.  I hated it.  I didn't know what to do with it.  I had moved past this.  I had conquered it.  I had surrendered it.

Or so I thought.

And then it brings us to last week when Henry showed up for a week of writing.  A week that we were going to use to make great head way with the book.

But I couldn't move forward because I wasn't ever fully present.

And so I showed up.  I really showed up and owned my voice, my opinions, my questions and my process.

We talked and processed a lot last week.

After we  processed our book, our ideas, our theologies, we talked some more.

Henry would push me to finish my thoughts.  To think through all the things I was trying to say but having a hard time articulating.  We dissected words that meant different things to each of us so that we could come to some kind of understanding.

We put our expectations for the week aside.  We sat uncomfortably the across from each other at the coffee shop and wrestled through our thoughts and opinions.

And at the end of the week, we came away with a books that feels like a conversation.  A new language of Henry's ideas and my thoughts.

We collaborated and found a book that speaks a new language that we took the time to understand and create.

Collaboration is not just hard work, its uncomfortable.  It is looking at your partner in the project and realizing that for you to say what you really think, you run the risk of them leaving.  You run the risk of them leaving project because they are done doing the hard work to find a new way.

It's risky and scary and vulnerable.  It feels exposed and in the end, the risk is worth it.

Writing a book on my own will probably be easier.  However, Henry pushes me to find myself.  To learn my process and understand my thoughts.  I have discovered so much about myself in the last couple months.  I have learned what it means to not have a boss or work alone, but to partner with someone and have them stay because they value you.

At the very least, God is using this experience to shape me.  To shape Henry.  To shape a new idea within us.  It's exciting.

It's tiring.

It's totally worth it.

Collaboration.  You need to be 100% yourself in order to have the conversation to create a new way.  To acknowledge who you are in order to give yourself to the expression of art in a new way.

Personal update 1

I don't know where to begin.  So I'll just start and hope I finish where the story begins.

I remember two distinct times that I felt completely insecure which then led to total fear.  The first time was in High School when the boy I had a crush on for a very long time told me he liked me. I know it sounds like that would be a dream come true, but the truth is, I had been living a double life up until about that time, and I was incredibly lost and broken and confused.  I felt unworthy, and hypocritical and stupid and foolish and most like every bad teen movie.  I was a cliche, which made it even worse.  I didn't know who I was, so I spent years making every wrong choice to find the right one.  I couldn't say yes to him because he didn't know the bad choices I had made.  I was scared that he might see how lost I was.  He thought I was great, and I didn't think I was.  He saw good in me, and all I could see was the bad.  I wasn't good enough.  And so I said no. Then I graduated High School and almost immediately moved away.  Running scared of...myself, really.

The idea is the same when I got my first real speaking gig.  I was chosen to be the keynote speaker to 850 students my first time out.  That was a big deal for me.  And I was overcome with feelings of insecurity.  I kept thinking, who am I that I was chosen for this role?  They have this image of me that just doesn't feel true.  If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me.  They would have picked someone better.  I am not good enough for this.  Clearly I was still wrestling with self acceptance and fighting hard to make the right choices and be who I thought I was supposed to be.  

Still fearful to really lean into who I was.  

To say the things I really thought.

To feel like being me was the best choice.

There are lots of things to say about my past and history and all these emotions, and I can't get into all of it here.  But there are a couple things I want to pull out of these experiences.

First, the more we try to hide who we really are, the more disconnect there is.  We create the two selves, the one every one sees, and the one no one sees.  Then we have no one to blame but ourselves for no one really knowing who we are, because we don't trust them to know. This existence is lonely and sad and full of doubt and regret.  Regret because you realize you are never really living your life. Second, the only thing insecurity gives us is a life lived in fear.  I am not sure where my insecurity came from, but I can attest to the life lived in fear.  I used to be so afraid of everything.  

Afraid to take chances, afraid to say what was really on my mind, afraid of making a mistake that I couldn't come back from, afraid of just being me.  I don't know why, and at this point, most of the time I don't care why.  I do know I don't want to live that way.  I desire to be brave and courageous and take chances and do things my way, instead of the way everyone else is doing it.  It took me a long time to get to that point.  A lot of prayer and hard work and conversations with my husband who has stuck by it all and loved me anyway. I don't really live in a place of insecurity anymore.  The fear creeps up every now and then when I am trying new projects or talks, but surrendering them and pushing through it comes easier. That's why I can so easily recognize these feelings when they creep back in.  They are huge red flags for me, because as I said, I generally like myself.  

I'm not insecure anymore, which is why this last month has been so overwhelming for me, and why I haven't written really about anything.  (If you don't remember, the book campaign happened this month.) To write about anything that has happened this past month,  I must first confess to the gut wrenching truth. I must tell you that I am scared out of mind.  I wish to be courageous and brave and fearless, but I'm not yet there. Henry called me out on it very early on during the campaign to raise money for the book project.  He would hear me self doubt and cut down and one day he interrupted me and said, "I never realized you were so insecure."  My response was, "I'M NOT!  What's wrong with me?" Doing the campaign was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in recent years.

It may seem like my earlier experiences have nothing to do with this moment now in my life, but in actuality, it has everything to do with it.  Except, this time, there was no mask or double life. See, the thing is I have made my career and my life to be as open as possible.  After spending so much of life trying to be someone I wasn't or running from who I was, or whatever my problem was, I promised myself that no matter how hard it was to be truthful, to be vulnerable and open, I would try.  Even if I was ashamed of how I dealt with something, or the way I felt, I would be honest.  I would embrace everything about me and invite my audience into that space with me.  I will often joke with Henry that when we take the stage together, I always come across as the big hot mess who needs counseling and he has it all together.  But that’s who I am, and that is why people hire me.  I am not two people anymore.  It’s just me.  But now that it’s just me, the vulnerability is even harder, because there is no hiding.

It may seem silly to you, but it was incredibly difficult to put together a campaign asking for money to support a book that my partner and I want to write.  I wasn't asking for your help for Haiti.  I wasn't asking you to support a child in need in a third world country.  I wasn't asking for money for any noble cause.  I was asking for myself.

That changes everything.

I had to publicly put myself out there and say, “Hey!  Do you see me?  Do you like me?  Help me make a dream come true!”  And that’s fine and great, until you realize you might not get the money.

Then what?

It’s like waiting to get picked for the kickball team all over again, except its just not your class that knows no one wants you, it would be everyone. 

That month of the campaign had me praying for God to release this hold on my heart more than I can ever remember.   I didn't want you all to have power over me.  I only wanted to care about being obedient to God’s call in my life.

But the trick is, to be obedient to that, I needed the money, which meant I needed to pay attention to the campaign and ask.  I had to put myself out there, over and over and ask for help.  Ask you to believe in me.

And then you did.

But you didn't just give to meet the goal, we surpassed every goal we had and more money than we budgeted.  I am still having a really hard time wrapping my head around that one.  My heart was pounding a mile a minute the day we surpassed our goal.  It wasn't a dream anymore, it was reality.

HOLY CRAP it is now a reality!

Now I can't run or hide or be lazy.  You said you believed in me, in us, and now we get to do something amazing.

Have you ever felt like sometimes it easier to sit on your couch and dream of all the really cool things you could do, and in your imagination, you are awesome, talented, you don't screw up because you know exactly what you are doing, and you win everyone over because you're amazing?  But because you know deep down, that really isn't reality.  Reality looks like hard work and trying over and over and making mistakes and taking risks and lots of practice.  And in the end, the risk that you might not even be very good at the thing that you dream of doing with your life.

I think that's why we sit on our couch.  Our imagination version of ourselves could never compare to the reality of who we are.  People who are risks takers, brave and courageous  the people who don't leave life with regrets are the one's who kill and bury the dream version of themselves and instead, just live their life.  They embrace their real self and go for it, leaving it all out on the table.

I have a tendency to be the couch sitter.  But I am tired of that.  I want to be a dreamer, a risk taker, a brave spirit with no regrets.

That's why I feel overwhelmed.  Not by the to-do list, though it is extensive.  I am trying to embrace a new reality and truth for myself.  I am trying to forge a new way of really, truly embracing all of me, letting go of all false selves and live my dream.

I asked you to believe in me and you did.  Can you even comprehend what that means for someone who spent so much time hiding away?  Again, overwhelmed.

So many of you went out of your way to encourage me, say nice such kind words about my ministry and my dream.  I didn't ask that of you, you volunteered it, willingly.  Again, overwhelmed.

Even more of you said that by pursuing this dream, you felt inspired to want to do more with your dreams.  That is HUGE!  I am so humbled and honored to be apart of that process that God is doing in your life.  Again, overwhelmed.

I sit on the brink of a new beginning to my ministry and our life.  Something has shifted and changed in my career.  I can't explain it fully, but I can tell, things are beginning, or shifting, or changing.  I still am a little nervous, because I don't know what that means, but I know that God is in this with me, and my husband and my children.

Feeling this emotionally overwhelmed the last month has made it hard to process.  So I went to a friends cabin for the weekend as a personal retreat.

That is part two of this story.

Who I am instead of who I want to be

I called up a friend the other day, one whom I haven't spoken to in awhile and we were casually chatting.  As with any conversation it was basic and going through the routines.

How is life?  The kids?  School?  The job hunt?  On and on and on.

It was fine.

It was comfortable.

It was socially normal and expected.

Then she asked about the book.

So a couple things went through my mind.  The first thing I said was, 

"It's fine.  It's going good.  Hard to write and find the time."  

And with all those things being truthful, I still wasn't revealing the true matter on my heart.

I was scared and spending far too much time caring about what other people thought.  I was worried that people won't like it, or they won't support it.  I hadn't prayed over it in awhile and had taken total control of the matter back in my own hands.

I know my friend would understand this truth.  I know she would pray with me and encourage me.  That wasn't the issue.

The truth is, I didn't want the be the girl who was struggling.  I didn't want to be the girl who had slipped in her faith and started to do it all on her own.  I didn't want to be the girl who had to learn a lesson, who after years of overcoming her insecurity, was feeling more insecure than ever before.

I wanted to be the girl who was doing it right.  Who didn't fall into temptation of making this book about me.  I wanted to be the girl who surrendered her will to God every morning, prayed without ceasing over her work, created good habits to make it happen and could do it all.  Doesn't that sound great?  It sounds like a wonderful story of great faith and spiritual leading.  I wanted that story.  I wanted to for once in my life do it the right way.  

But that wasn't what was happening.

And so, in a moment of feeling brave and wanting to be honest, I said what was true.  I decided not to be who I wanted to be, but who I really was instead.

"The book is going well, but I have noticed lately that I am far too scared about what others think.  My mind seems overrun with thoughts of feeling less than I am.  I am scared that someone else could do it better.  I worry that it will fail.  I get nervous thinking about how others will value the quality."

There. 

I had said it out loud.  The dark things that were crowding my brain.  The hard things that were taking away my faith.  After I say them out loud, I have to own that they are true.

To this, my friend encouraged me in my dream.  She filled my heart with kind and encouraging words. And then she said, "You need to read the book of Joshua.  Joshua is filled with courage and trusting God, and that is what you are doing.  You are doing something courageous and your ability to trust in God is the only thing that will carry you through.  Read Joshua and find comfort and truth in what you are doing."

All my tension and worry went away.  

This, right here, is why we are writing a book.

This is what the book is about.

In the midst of even our struggle and weak faith, and total control issues, God is still present and working.  When we are capable of taking off our expectations and ideals, and can be real with the people around us, God's truth becomes clear.  Friends, mentors, blogs, pastors, scripture, podcast, whatever and whenever you find it, truth can be revealed.

I was reminded that day to be honest.  It does no one any good to pretend to be something they are not. My honesty encouraged my friend, and she was able to encourage me as well.  She spoke encouragement and pointed me toward truth to heal my wound, my insecurity, and my weakness.

If I haven't told you yet here, I am telling you now.

My friend Henry and I are writing a book about stories.  Stories we live every day that hold deep spiritual truths.  These stories are used in communicating about our faith with others.  These stores enrich and encourage others.  These stories point towards heaven.  These stories bring heaven to earth.  They nurture love and forgiveness and God's ultimate power and goodness.  There is power in the stories we live here on earth.

We would love to share this project with you.  Henry and I are interested in making this a community project.  If you are interested in pre-ordering this book and supporting the writing process, please donate to our campaign at  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/more-than-a-story/x/2561912.

If you are interested in knowing more about the project after the funds are raised, during the writing project, please visit our website www.pearabull.com or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mightier-Press/301285753332675?ref=hl 

I am excited about this book.  I am also really excited about all the ways is shaping my heart and creating a deeper trust in him in regards to all the stories of my life.  Thank you for being apart of this journey.  Thank you for showing up and walking through life with us. 

Be blessed friends. 

Feeling exposed and scared out of my mind

It's easy to build self confidence and contentment in the privacy of your own home.  I have done that for years now.  No one to really see the cracks in your defense system.  You can almost pretend they don't exist.

It's terrifying to put yourself out there and wonder.

Will people like me?

How harsh will the judgments be?

I put myself out there when I speak, when I write, when I invite you in to share this life with me.

I have built my career on being authentic and real and transparent, but recently, those limits are getting tested in changing waters.

I never realized how vulnerable it would feel to ask people to support you.  To walk alongside you and say, "I want your dream to come true!"

Because...well...what if they don't?  What if they were just being nice?

The reality is, I only have a voice because of you.  I could write blog after blog, but if no one reads it, then it isn't serving its purpose.

I could write a brilliant faith evoking message, but if no one shows up, then it can't bear fruit.

And I could write a wonderful book full of stories that point toward kingdom living, but if no one buys it, then my ministry lays dormant.  My ministry only exists because there is an audience.

The deep secret fear that seems to be coming up in full force lately is, "What if nobody cares?  What if no one is listening?  What if people will think its stupid?"  And the big one for me is, "What if nobody likes me?"

What does that say about me and my ministry if people don't want to stand behind it?

For the last few years all of my speaking gigs have been lived out where I have felt most comfortable.  My families high need diet being my excuse to not stretch too far outside my comfort zone when it comes to my career.

But here I am now, writing new material.  Searching and preparing for gigs I have never done.

And now I am writing a book.  Yup, I am going to do it and write a book.

This is all new territory.

It's scary as hell.  Can I say that?

I feel exposed.  I feel terrified.  I feel insecure which I haven't felt in years and I don't know what to do with all those feelings.

What if you don't want my book?

What if it's all just a bad idea and I should go back to simply living.  (Not living simple, that is something all together very different.)

To say "it's hard to put yourself out there" is a statement that doesn't quite convey the risk you take in taking a chance.

You put your dreams and hard work out there for others to experience, and the goal is to share Christ through it all.  But its risky to invite you in.  There was a beautiful TED talk that explored the gift of asking.  You can watch it here.

But what if no one is listening?

(If you want to know more about the book, I'm waiting for the promo video to come out and then will invite you all into the project.  I would love the company!)