The art of Collaboration

Some day I am going to craft a talk around collaboration.

There is something profound about working with someone and working to create something completely new out of who you are and who they are.  It isn't compromise where you each give up something to find a peaceful way.  Collaboration is about two people, giving 100% of who they are, doing the hard work of communicating to discover where their two thoughts and ideas come together to forge a new language.  That language for Henry and I is our speaking and writing together.  For others it can be music, spoken word, body art, dancing, gardening, cooking, community living, photography, leading an organization, it doesn't matter.

Collaboration is different than compromise.

What Henry and I strive to do in our work is absolute collaboration.  It is what I love and hate about our work.

(If you are new to my little world in blogsphere, then I should tell you that I am a stay at home mom who travels the country very part time as an inspirational speaker and am currently working on my first book with my speaking partner, Pastor Henry Graf.  Henry and I have been friends for a long time, and as two seasoned speakers, we wondered what having a conversational type presentation would look like from the stage.  This gives the audience a more authentic and personal interaction with the speakers and topic of discussion.  We have spoken together for years, and are currently trying our hand at moving what we do on stage, to the written word.  To say the very least, we are in a very steep learning curve.)

When we started working together, Henry and I were both professional speakers.  We were comfortable on stage and speaking in public.  We spent time crafting our work to be dynamic presenters.  Coming from a place of always taking the stage alone, it was so refreshing to share the responsibility with someone else.  Someone I trusted to fill in the blanks where I missed my mark, or read the audience and take our conversation where it needed to go to reach them where they were at.  I was no longer alone, and it felt very cool.

There was this really beautiful dynamic shift as well.  When I take the stage alone, I can get really intense and loud and passionate and sometimes emotional.  It's just kind of what I do.  Sometimes it involves yelling.  However, when you are sitting on stage with someone else, that doesn't tend to happen.  We are talking, discussing, laughing, searching scripture together.  It's very different, but very cool.

It felt like to me that I had found the perfect partner in this journey.  We balance each other out because we are so different.  Yes one is a man and one is a woman.  One is a Pastor and one struggles with the institution of the church.  But really, it reaches into the way we do life, not what we represent.  Henry is very analytical and intellectual, and those are not words I would use to describe myself.  He teaches, and I tell stories.  He thinks, I feel.  He moves fast, I am think before I act.  And even though we are both intense, somehow we are intense in very different ways, and I don't know how to describe that.  We bring such different things to the table for discussion, approach scripture from very different places and come away with very different ideas of what it means.  It makes for great conversation.

So imagine my surprise when just months ago, I realized that Henry and I weren't collaborating at all, but I was letting him take the lead and backing out of my responsibility to my own place in our partnership.

It was hard for me to figure this out until Henry and I spoke together three months ago.  We took the stage on Friday night at the conference kick off.  I experienced being on stage with Henry and he wasn't in his usual "loud/big self".  He felt more responsive than usual instead of charging the way.  When we debriefed our talk, he simply said, "you were the big personality tonight, so I backed off.  You usually aren't that dynamic."

Huh.  I didn't ever really think that I backed off and tampered my personality with him.  We chatted a bit more through that and continued on with our weekend.

Then, the book happened.  The book started off as a T-shirt idea that for the life of us, we couldn't agree on.    Then Henry had a brilliant idea that worked for us both.

Parables.  Earthly stories with Heavenly meaning.

We discussed the concept of the book, "telling stories, but more than stories, finding heavenly meaning in our everyday experiences, etc."  I loved it.  I thought it was a perfect first book for us.  It penned out on paper what we do on stage.  But the more we unpacked the book and gave a structure to it, the more confusing it got for me.  The harder and more complicated it became.

Henry would pen a thesis, a promotional email, a chapter outline.  He was working at lightening speed and it was hard to keep up.  I would read it, tweak it, process it, edit it, and send it back.

And something always felt just a little bit off.  I was still a part of the process.  My opinion mattered, but somehow, I was just responding, not speaking up.

And then I was standing in my kitchen, just getting off the phone with Henry, and I saw the red flags.  I saw myself shrinking back in my insecurities.  I was allowing my respect and admiration for Henry to shrink me.  When I elevated him, I became less.  I gave him the power and authority in the relationship instead of being in a partnership.  I let my old demons speak into my ear.  Lies that said my voice wasn't as significant as Henry's.  That storytelling was silly compared to teaching deep theological ideas.

I realized I wasn't owning my part in our partnership  I wasn't taking responsibility for my thoughts, my ideas, my voice and opinion.  I got steamrolled.  Henry wasn't doing this to me, I just let it take over.

What I realized was sometimes when we think we have overcome a weakness, a sin, it only reappears when pushed from a new angle.

I have worked alone for seven years, and now having a partner in this, this was a new angle for me.  And so my weakness and insecurities came flooding out.  I hated it.  I didn't know what to do with it.  I had moved past this.  I had conquered it.  I had surrendered it.

Or so I thought.

And then it brings us to last week when Henry showed up for a week of writing.  A week that we were going to use to make great head way with the book.

But I couldn't move forward because I wasn't ever fully present.

And so I showed up.  I really showed up and owned my voice, my opinions, my questions and my process.

We talked and processed a lot last week.

After we  processed our book, our ideas, our theologies, we talked some more.

Henry would push me to finish my thoughts.  To think through all the things I was trying to say but having a hard time articulating.  We dissected words that meant different things to each of us so that we could come to some kind of understanding.

We put our expectations for the week aside.  We sat uncomfortably the across from each other at the coffee shop and wrestled through our thoughts and opinions.

And at the end of the week, we came away with a books that feels like a conversation.  A new language of Henry's ideas and my thoughts.

We collaborated and found a book that speaks a new language that we took the time to understand and create.

Collaboration is not just hard work, its uncomfortable.  It is looking at your partner in the project and realizing that for you to say what you really think, you run the risk of them leaving.  You run the risk of them leaving project because they are done doing the hard work to find a new way.

It's risky and scary and vulnerable.  It feels exposed and in the end, the risk is worth it.

Writing a book on my own will probably be easier.  However, Henry pushes me to find myself.  To learn my process and understand my thoughts.  I have discovered so much about myself in the last couple months.  I have learned what it means to not have a boss or work alone, but to partner with someone and have them stay because they value you.

At the very least, God is using this experience to shape me.  To shape Henry.  To shape a new idea within us.  It's exciting.

It's tiring.

It's totally worth it.

Collaboration.  You need to be 100% yourself in order to have the conversation to create a new way.  To acknowledge who you are in order to give yourself to the expression of art in a new way.

Personal update 2: the cabin

The cabin.

The writing retreat.

I had hope that with more than 24 hours to myself, my laptop and journals and music, I could somehow process all the things going on inside of me for the last month and pour myself into the book.  Read, journal, write, process, pray, seek, and be led by God.

I have never had time like this before to work and to be honest, I was a little nervous with that much time by myself.

Can't you tell?

I want to share some things I came away with from the weekend, but first, I want you to see what I saw.  Here is my office set up.

This really was the perfect office.  Curled up on a couch, writing and reading and candles lit.  It was perfect.

This was my retreat view from where I sat.  It hailed most of the day, but by late afternoon, I got to out and take a walk.

I enjoyed light food and lots of coffee all day long.  I grazed, and when I was hungry, I ate, and yes I even drank coffee at 10 pm.  There were no rules.  The goal was to be inspired and find dreams and plans and words for the book.  It was perfect!  It was a day where I could go at a slower pace because I didn't have kids interrupting me every few minutes, or I wasn't restricted by a time frame surrounding naps or babysitters.  I could just be.

And then I took a refreshing walk to get all the pent up energy out of my blood.  I wanted to take this photo, because I stood in this spot for more than 15 minutes.  I stood and looked at the road stretched out before me.  I let the sounds of the lake and the country seep into my blood.  Sounds that are foreign to us where we live.  It felt like with every breath I took, more of the tension left my body, and more quietness and stillness entered it.  All the expectations started to cease to exist and only listening to the Lord seemed to matter.  I didn't want to move.  I wanted to stay in that spot until the only thing that remained were the answers.  But looking at the road ahead of me, I realized  I wasn't sure where the road led, but only the way to find out was to take one step at a time.

After my walk, I spent the evening wrapped in a blanket on the porch enjoying my new office.  A place full of peace and inspiration. 

So here is what I learned and discovered with my weekend in the wood.

1. I really enjoy time by myself.  I am good company.

2. You produce very different work when you aren't restricted by a time frame or deadline or children's needs.  I had the ability to really let the work come out of me, instead of rushing it, or throwing a bunch of words on paper hoping it sticks.  I could sit and ponder, and roll thoughts around my head and get the good stuff out on paper.  It was this amazing experience no to be rushed, but let thoughts and ideas and words formulate.

3. I got to work on my business, the book, my talk at the end of the month up in Duluth, my talk in the NE this fall, and my business concepst.  I had papers all over the floor with ideas and concepts and dreams and starting points for ministry.  It was this really amazing brainstorming session where I got to share my dreams with God, lay them out in front of me, and as I sat and prayed, I got hints of more ways to make them become a reality.

4. It is scary as hell to sit there in a cabin, all alone, with the time you have been asking for to make the dream come true, even one that you don't fully understand, and you have no more excuses.  I had no excuses.  I had to face my fear of this dream, the overwhelmingness of it.  I got to settle into those feelings.  Experience them.  I got to embrace it.  Look at it.  Evaluate it.  And most importantly, work towards. it.  It's easy to dream.  It takes a lot to actually work for it.

5. The closer I drove to the cabin, the more peace I felt.  While at the cabin, I felt inspired, I felt encouraged, I felt rested, I felt motivated, and I felt calm.  I'll confess I even danced a little bit with the music blaring and it felt wonderful.  I felt free.  And the words just came out of me.  I wrote a bunch of stuff I didn't even know I was thinking.  I wrote it, I looked at it, and I pondered on it.  I am excited to read what was going on in my head and my heart.  To process it and explore it.

It makes me very excited for my future.  As I said, I have felt like I am on the brink on something new and different.  This weekend was this incredible time of exploring that.  Of dreaming around it.  Of finding clues to what my future holds.

And I can't wait to share it with you.

I also walked away from this weekend with a secret love affair for a weekend away alone in the woods.  This may become my most spiritual exercise.  I hope.

Personal update 1

I don't know where to begin.  So I'll just start and hope I finish where the story begins.

I remember two distinct times that I felt completely insecure which then led to total fear.  The first time was in High School when the boy I had a crush on for a very long time told me he liked me. I know it sounds like that would be a dream come true, but the truth is, I had been living a double life up until about that time, and I was incredibly lost and broken and confused.  I felt unworthy, and hypocritical and stupid and foolish and most like every bad teen movie.  I was a cliche, which made it even worse.  I didn't know who I was, so I spent years making every wrong choice to find the right one.  I couldn't say yes to him because he didn't know the bad choices I had made.  I was scared that he might see how lost I was.  He thought I was great, and I didn't think I was.  He saw good in me, and all I could see was the bad.  I wasn't good enough.  And so I said no. Then I graduated High School and almost immediately moved away.  Running scared of...myself, really.

The idea is the same when I got my first real speaking gig.  I was chosen to be the keynote speaker to 850 students my first time out.  That was a big deal for me.  And I was overcome with feelings of insecurity.  I kept thinking, who am I that I was chosen for this role?  They have this image of me that just doesn't feel true.  If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me.  They would have picked someone better.  I am not good enough for this.  Clearly I was still wrestling with self acceptance and fighting hard to make the right choices and be who I thought I was supposed to be.  

Still fearful to really lean into who I was.  

To say the things I really thought.

To feel like being me was the best choice.

There are lots of things to say about my past and history and all these emotions, and I can't get into all of it here.  But there are a couple things I want to pull out of these experiences.

First, the more we try to hide who we really are, the more disconnect there is.  We create the two selves, the one every one sees, and the one no one sees.  Then we have no one to blame but ourselves for no one really knowing who we are, because we don't trust them to know. This existence is lonely and sad and full of doubt and regret.  Regret because you realize you are never really living your life. Second, the only thing insecurity gives us is a life lived in fear.  I am not sure where my insecurity came from, but I can attest to the life lived in fear.  I used to be so afraid of everything.  

Afraid to take chances, afraid to say what was really on my mind, afraid of making a mistake that I couldn't come back from, afraid of just being me.  I don't know why, and at this point, most of the time I don't care why.  I do know I don't want to live that way.  I desire to be brave and courageous and take chances and do things my way, instead of the way everyone else is doing it.  It took me a long time to get to that point.  A lot of prayer and hard work and conversations with my husband who has stuck by it all and loved me anyway. I don't really live in a place of insecurity anymore.  The fear creeps up every now and then when I am trying new projects or talks, but surrendering them and pushing through it comes easier. That's why I can so easily recognize these feelings when they creep back in.  They are huge red flags for me, because as I said, I generally like myself.  

I'm not insecure anymore, which is why this last month has been so overwhelming for me, and why I haven't written really about anything.  (If you don't remember, the book campaign happened this month.) To write about anything that has happened this past month,  I must first confess to the gut wrenching truth. I must tell you that I am scared out of mind.  I wish to be courageous and brave and fearless, but I'm not yet there. Henry called me out on it very early on during the campaign to raise money for the book project.  He would hear me self doubt and cut down and one day he interrupted me and said, "I never realized you were so insecure."  My response was, "I'M NOT!  What's wrong with me?" Doing the campaign was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in recent years.

It may seem like my earlier experiences have nothing to do with this moment now in my life, but in actuality, it has everything to do with it.  Except, this time, there was no mask or double life. See, the thing is I have made my career and my life to be as open as possible.  After spending so much of life trying to be someone I wasn't or running from who I was, or whatever my problem was, I promised myself that no matter how hard it was to be truthful, to be vulnerable and open, I would try.  Even if I was ashamed of how I dealt with something, or the way I felt, I would be honest.  I would embrace everything about me and invite my audience into that space with me.  I will often joke with Henry that when we take the stage together, I always come across as the big hot mess who needs counseling and he has it all together.  But that’s who I am, and that is why people hire me.  I am not two people anymore.  It’s just me.  But now that it’s just me, the vulnerability is even harder, because there is no hiding.

It may seem silly to you, but it was incredibly difficult to put together a campaign asking for money to support a book that my partner and I want to write.  I wasn't asking for your help for Haiti.  I wasn't asking you to support a child in need in a third world country.  I wasn't asking for money for any noble cause.  I was asking for myself.

That changes everything.

I had to publicly put myself out there and say, “Hey!  Do you see me?  Do you like me?  Help me make a dream come true!”  And that’s fine and great, until you realize you might not get the money.

Then what?

It’s like waiting to get picked for the kickball team all over again, except its just not your class that knows no one wants you, it would be everyone. 

That month of the campaign had me praying for God to release this hold on my heart more than I can ever remember.   I didn't want you all to have power over me.  I only wanted to care about being obedient to God’s call in my life.

But the trick is, to be obedient to that, I needed the money, which meant I needed to pay attention to the campaign and ask.  I had to put myself out there, over and over and ask for help.  Ask you to believe in me.

And then you did.

But you didn't just give to meet the goal, we surpassed every goal we had and more money than we budgeted.  I am still having a really hard time wrapping my head around that one.  My heart was pounding a mile a minute the day we surpassed our goal.  It wasn't a dream anymore, it was reality.

HOLY CRAP it is now a reality!

Now I can't run or hide or be lazy.  You said you believed in me, in us, and now we get to do something amazing.

Have you ever felt like sometimes it easier to sit on your couch and dream of all the really cool things you could do, and in your imagination, you are awesome, talented, you don't screw up because you know exactly what you are doing, and you win everyone over because you're amazing?  But because you know deep down, that really isn't reality.  Reality looks like hard work and trying over and over and making mistakes and taking risks and lots of practice.  And in the end, the risk that you might not even be very good at the thing that you dream of doing with your life.

I think that's why we sit on our couch.  Our imagination version of ourselves could never compare to the reality of who we are.  People who are risks takers, brave and courageous  the people who don't leave life with regrets are the one's who kill and bury the dream version of themselves and instead, just live their life.  They embrace their real self and go for it, leaving it all out on the table.

I have a tendency to be the couch sitter.  But I am tired of that.  I want to be a dreamer, a risk taker, a brave spirit with no regrets.

That's why I feel overwhelmed.  Not by the to-do list, though it is extensive.  I am trying to embrace a new reality and truth for myself.  I am trying to forge a new way of really, truly embracing all of me, letting go of all false selves and live my dream.

I asked you to believe in me and you did.  Can you even comprehend what that means for someone who spent so much time hiding away?  Again, overwhelmed.

So many of you went out of your way to encourage me, say nice such kind words about my ministry and my dream.  I didn't ask that of you, you volunteered it, willingly.  Again, overwhelmed.

Even more of you said that by pursuing this dream, you felt inspired to want to do more with your dreams.  That is HUGE!  I am so humbled and honored to be apart of that process that God is doing in your life.  Again, overwhelmed.

I sit on the brink of a new beginning to my ministry and our life.  Something has shifted and changed in my career.  I can't explain it fully, but I can tell, things are beginning, or shifting, or changing.  I still am a little nervous, because I don't know what that means, but I know that God is in this with me, and my husband and my children.

Feeling this emotionally overwhelmed the last month has made it hard to process.  So I went to a friends cabin for the weekend as a personal retreat.

That is part two of this story.

Who I am instead of who I want to be

I called up a friend the other day, one whom I haven't spoken to in awhile and we were casually chatting.  As with any conversation it was basic and going through the routines.

How is life?  The kids?  School?  The job hunt?  On and on and on.

It was fine.

It was comfortable.

It was socially normal and expected.

Then she asked about the book.

So a couple things went through my mind.  The first thing I said was, 

"It's fine.  It's going good.  Hard to write and find the time."  

And with all those things being truthful, I still wasn't revealing the true matter on my heart.

I was scared and spending far too much time caring about what other people thought.  I was worried that people won't like it, or they won't support it.  I hadn't prayed over it in awhile and had taken total control of the matter back in my own hands.

I know my friend would understand this truth.  I know she would pray with me and encourage me.  That wasn't the issue.

The truth is, I didn't want the be the girl who was struggling.  I didn't want to be the girl who had slipped in her faith and started to do it all on her own.  I didn't want to be the girl who had to learn a lesson, who after years of overcoming her insecurity, was feeling more insecure than ever before.

I wanted to be the girl who was doing it right.  Who didn't fall into temptation of making this book about me.  I wanted to be the girl who surrendered her will to God every morning, prayed without ceasing over her work, created good habits to make it happen and could do it all.  Doesn't that sound great?  It sounds like a wonderful story of great faith and spiritual leading.  I wanted that story.  I wanted to for once in my life do it the right way.  

But that wasn't what was happening.

And so, in a moment of feeling brave and wanting to be honest, I said what was true.  I decided not to be who I wanted to be, but who I really was instead.

"The book is going well, but I have noticed lately that I am far too scared about what others think.  My mind seems overrun with thoughts of feeling less than I am.  I am scared that someone else could do it better.  I worry that it will fail.  I get nervous thinking about how others will value the quality."

There. 

I had said it out loud.  The dark things that were crowding my brain.  The hard things that were taking away my faith.  After I say them out loud, I have to own that they are true.

To this, my friend encouraged me in my dream.  She filled my heart with kind and encouraging words. And then she said, "You need to read the book of Joshua.  Joshua is filled with courage and trusting God, and that is what you are doing.  You are doing something courageous and your ability to trust in God is the only thing that will carry you through.  Read Joshua and find comfort and truth in what you are doing."

All my tension and worry went away.  

This, right here, is why we are writing a book.

This is what the book is about.

In the midst of even our struggle and weak faith, and total control issues, God is still present and working.  When we are capable of taking off our expectations and ideals, and can be real with the people around us, God's truth becomes clear.  Friends, mentors, blogs, pastors, scripture, podcast, whatever and whenever you find it, truth can be revealed.

I was reminded that day to be honest.  It does no one any good to pretend to be something they are not. My honesty encouraged my friend, and she was able to encourage me as well.  She spoke encouragement and pointed me toward truth to heal my wound, my insecurity, and my weakness.

If I haven't told you yet here, I am telling you now.

My friend Henry and I are writing a book about stories.  Stories we live every day that hold deep spiritual truths.  These stories are used in communicating about our faith with others.  These stores enrich and encourage others.  These stories point towards heaven.  These stories bring heaven to earth.  They nurture love and forgiveness and God's ultimate power and goodness.  There is power in the stories we live here on earth.

We would love to share this project with you.  Henry and I are interested in making this a community project.  If you are interested in pre-ordering this book and supporting the writing process, please donate to our campaign at  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/more-than-a-story/x/2561912.

If you are interested in knowing more about the project after the funds are raised, during the writing project, please visit our website www.pearabull.com or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mightier-Press/301285753332675?ref=hl 

I am excited about this book.  I am also really excited about all the ways is shaping my heart and creating a deeper trust in him in regards to all the stories of my life.  Thank you for being apart of this journey.  Thank you for showing up and walking through life with us. 

Be blessed friends. 

Feeling exposed and scared out of my mind

It's easy to build self confidence and contentment in the privacy of your own home.  I have done that for years now.  No one to really see the cracks in your defense system.  You can almost pretend they don't exist.

It's terrifying to put yourself out there and wonder.

Will people like me?

How harsh will the judgments be?

I put myself out there when I speak, when I write, when I invite you in to share this life with me.

I have built my career on being authentic and real and transparent, but recently, those limits are getting tested in changing waters.

I never realized how vulnerable it would feel to ask people to support you.  To walk alongside you and say, "I want your dream to come true!"

Because...well...what if they don't?  What if they were just being nice?

The reality is, I only have a voice because of you.  I could write blog after blog, but if no one reads it, then it isn't serving its purpose.

I could write a brilliant faith evoking message, but if no one shows up, then it can't bear fruit.

And I could write a wonderful book full of stories that point toward kingdom living, but if no one buys it, then my ministry lays dormant.  My ministry only exists because there is an audience.

The deep secret fear that seems to be coming up in full force lately is, "What if nobody cares?  What if no one is listening?  What if people will think its stupid?"  And the big one for me is, "What if nobody likes me?"

What does that say about me and my ministry if people don't want to stand behind it?

For the last few years all of my speaking gigs have been lived out where I have felt most comfortable.  My families high need diet being my excuse to not stretch too far outside my comfort zone when it comes to my career.

But here I am now, writing new material.  Searching and preparing for gigs I have never done.

And now I am writing a book.  Yup, I am going to do it and write a book.

This is all new territory.

It's scary as hell.  Can I say that?

I feel exposed.  I feel terrified.  I feel insecure which I haven't felt in years and I don't know what to do with all those feelings.

What if you don't want my book?

What if it's all just a bad idea and I should go back to simply living.  (Not living simple, that is something all together very different.)

To say "it's hard to put yourself out there" is a statement that doesn't quite convey the risk you take in taking a chance.

You put your dreams and hard work out there for others to experience, and the goal is to share Christ through it all.  But its risky to invite you in.  There was a beautiful TED talk that explored the gift of asking.  You can watch it here.

But what if no one is listening?

(If you want to know more about the book, I'm waiting for the promo video to come out and then will invite you all into the project.  I would love the company!)